I Matt My Pants

Season finales are always bittersweet.  You're bitter that one of your favorite shows is ending for a long time.  And it's no different with last night's season finale of Bad Girls Club there's still two more weeks of reunion episodes to go, no worries aaaand the new season is starting this summer.  It's like a broken down, VD-riddled street lady being forced to retire.  Barely anyone wants to pay for anything she has to offer, but those that do... they just can't live without! I'll find you someday Twinkle Pusstina.

I wish I could tell you how awesome the episode was right now, but those dirty bholes failed at a perfect opportunity to ruin my glamazon Kate's things!  Yes, yes she should have been sent home for that butterfly kiss of a punch she delivered ever so delicately to Annie's face.  Which left the remaining girls an chance to really get even.  And what do they do?  They throw Kate's clothes around and squirt some Lubriderm on them?  You wanna be bad girls ladies?  Then you should have had Annie purge last night's dinner into the bottom of Kate's suitcases and sent them on their way.  Dried, cakey bile is a Bad Girl seal of approval.

After Kate got sent home, the episode took a turn for the Annie-get-your-gun-wait-she-probably-already-has-one.  More after the break... plus some videos!

I feel like someone should have put a tarp down.

Everyone's favorite Alzhie Uncle, Willard Scott, celebrated his 60th year at NBC and 30th year at The Today Show today.  Now, I want to pay my due respect to this man, who for years has served as the wacky, borderline speshneeds secondary cast member to the gang on The Today Show providing many laughs at his own expense and making sure that The Soup always has something to fall back on.

And, as you might have imagined, The Today Show made sure that the Archives Intern had some late, late nights pouring through hours of old footage looking for stuff to throw into a video montage of memories and gap-toothed grins.  That intern works for fingernail clippings and coffee straws.

It was kind of neat to take a trip down old people clothes from old people times lane, but I was a little disappointed that the Archives Intern forgot to include the most important and notable aspect of Willard Scott's career.

He was the very first Ronald McDonald.  He also played Bozo the clown for a short time in the Washington D.C. franchise of the show, but that's neither here nor there.  That's right, that redheaded burger pusher gracing the box now it's usually paper bags, what up with that? began with the Smuckers Birthday Guy.  Video after the break!

I promise I will think about how I could repay you someday you know I'm good for it. I'm going to use that money to purchase a Martin Jetpack. It's the first commercially available jetpack which means us plain foke can be just like the rich people we see on the picture screens.

In all seriousness* *in all seriousness, I mean absolutely not seriously at all though, it's basically the best investment for me personally right now. It runs off of gasoline, you can get 30 minutes of flight, and there's a bunch of safety stuff installed so I don't just crash and die at take off. That 30 minute flight could get me to work so fast, you wouldn't even believe it! And gas prices have been fairly steady recently. So, I could afford to ask you for some more money for gas now and then.

I might even let you try it out some weekend when I've got nothing to do. You'd have to pay for your own gas though. Hey, what do you expect, I'm not made of money here!

Could you imagine what it would be like to be up in the air in one of these things and have to poo really bad? It's like reverse Duck Hunt!

Video of this crazy thing in action after the jump!

• Lindsay Lohan will not come clean about being "back on the cock" on some gay British dude's talk show.  She also will not just come clean.  [Tabloid Prodigy] 

• Corey Haim died of an apparent drug overdose today.  It's truly sad when you think about it... that Dr. Drew can't get to every drug addicted former child star.  [TV Guide]

• 24 might just be ending after it's 8th season, allowing for a movie to begin production.  Thus bringing to a close another child star's legacy.  This one not being a horrible drug addiction.  [Zap2It]

• Taylor Momsen is really making sure she follows the 'rebel child star' handbook to a T.  Next up, rehab stint, rumored pregnancy, aaaaaaand either a lesbian romp or a much older dude hookup.  [dlisted]

• Eclipse has a teaser trailer PREVIEW.  And in that ten seconds of breathy talking, they managed to cram in a clip of that scrunch face kid shirtless.  Lonely single moms everywhere now have something to dream about tonight.  [PopCrunch]

• Ricky Martin's career was ruined when Barbara Walters pushed to make him admit that he was gay.  At least according to Babs herself.  Though, I'd tend to say that his career was ruined when the world finally got Livin' La Vida Loca out of their heads.  [Evil Beat Gossip]
  

Who wants to go with me to a shady hotel in Newark, NJ it's totes close friendships so that we can get butt implants by having petroleum jelly and industrial grade caulk injected into our asses? It's a win/win! Win #1 = horrible deep tissue infections and win #2 = agonizingly painful anal abscesses*.

Welp, if at first you thought 'what a great idea' then you are probably one of the six women that were hospitalized for this exact procedure.

Since we all know that big behinds are the new skinny, it's only natural that someone would find a way to make a liposuction version of it. And where there's legitimate, expensive versions of something, there's always cheep, usually dangerous versions that even the most desperate can have! Capitalism!!

After botched efforts to plump their rear ends like naturally well-endowed celebs such as Kim Kardashian, the victim's derrieres resembled "moonscapes" filled with lumps and craters, said a hospital source.

Well Kim Kardashian? What do you have to say for yourself? This would be all your fault.

[via foxnews]


*my roommate who's a Physicians Assistant says that draining an abscess produces the most foul smell to ever curl a nose hair.

Robots continue to make advancements each and every day in the war against us, the humans - faster cognitive thought AI, more efficient production, sustainable energy sources, heightened motor skills, etc.  They're even getting more and more human like each day.

Despite all their advancements in closing the gap between robot and human, they're ability to terrify me continues to grow.  It's that gap, or the uncanny valley, that will keep me from ever sleeping soundly knowing full well that somewhere, someone out there is making the finishing touches on an even more human like creation.

If the above video is any indication, they're getting closer each day.  But even still, when watching that video you get that sour feeling in your stomach and your face curls into a grimace when they zoom in for a close up of the creation's face.  It's just not quite human.  And then you begin to wonder...

...what?

That's Heidi Montag?

...

shotguntotheface.  Her face obvs.

There are just a few things I'd like to touch on about this past weekend's episode of Saturday Night Live.

1. The monologue above is easily the best of the season and of recent memory, which goes back at least a couple of years. No more than that though, I've huffed rubber cement as a kid.
2. Zach Galifianakis was everything I expected of him. Which was awesome. It's too bad that the writers couldn't have used him more.
3. Best Sketch of the Night? Pageant Talk. Because if you watch Toddlers & Tiaras which you should then you know. Also, Zach did this to his beard for the sketch! FACE MERKIN!!

That's not to say the episode was perfect though. Rough spots. Like the cold opening. Which was about how unpopular the health care reform bill is. More like how unpopular that writing was. Ohzing.

But other stuff made up for it... like the stuff that's after the jump...

IT'S FINALLY HERE!  The season finale of Bad Girls Club is upon us.  Like right being pushed into a pool so our ankles break because we were yelling so hard our blood pressure was spiking 197 over 102.  It's that close friendships!  TONIGHT!

In the finale, the girls finish their retaliation against my home girl Kate for punching Annie in the face and then going after Amber.  I'm sad to see Kate go, but, it was time.  That house couldn't hold back true glamor anymore.  Plus, she played both sides of the house and they both ended up hating her.  And then one side went home.  That side being Chins.  That precipice was the entire side of a house.

And like usual, the girls go out in style... destroying the house and everything inside.  Which I think would probably be pretty therapeutic after having to live cooped up like that in such a meager abode, in L.A., for free.  What stress.  I need a mani/pedi.




So friendships, throw your Coors Light mini-8 pack in a bucket of ice, push your television up to a window, and let's all enjoy this nice weather together at least on the East Coast and prepare ourselves for the season finale!

2005. What a year! I was just sending my second child away to USA State University it wasn't nearly as bad as the first one and I was still reeling from the fact that the world's first partial face transplant had just been completed.  Also late in that year, Lazy Sunday, the second digital short on Saturday Night Live, hit the airwaves.  And then it hit youtube.  And since then, our lives have never looked the same... thanks to face transplants omg don't click if you're eating rice pudding.

Welp, nearly five years later, it was about time to get the gang back together for one more romp in the studio where Jimmy Fallon shoots his late show.  Less than three Chris Parnell.