SUPER BOWL WRAP UP

I barely watched the Super Bowl because I'm just not a big football fan.  I prefer Sequence. Instead, I slept through most of the first half, made buffalo chicken tenders, during the second, and ate them all during the tail end of the game.  Thankfully, Al Gore invented the internet it's 1999 and I could catch everything later that night/today while I'm bored.  Obviously, there is no need to tell you that the best thing the game brought us this year was a victory for those who suffered through Katrina Betty White and Abe Vigoda.

This commercial prompted so many "ZOMG ABE VIGODA IS ALIVE" comments that I thought were a little unfounded.  First off, it's Abe Vigoda.  Secondly, if you would have had abevigoda.com bookmarked like I do, you would have been able to check his status at your leisure.  P.S. - he's still alive.

The second best thing the Super Bowl brought was the announcement that there would be another free Grand Slam Day at your local Denny's tomorrow.  I'm TEAM ANGRY that the nearest Denny's is like 45 minutes away from me.  How is that even possible?  So, I will be missing out on a Grand Slam, but that doesn't mean you have to.  Google map that.


And the third and final awesome thing that the Super Bowl gave the world is.....

PUPPY BOWL VI KITTEN HALF TIME SHOW!


And say what you want about that Google Ad, but it was like watching Valentine's Day and Sweet Home Alabama make love ontop of Hope Floats. Spare me the theatrics Google, no one uses Bing.

Saturday Night Live: Ashton Kutcher Edition

What an episode.  And on the scale of basic literacy and alertness measured by Jon Hamm and January Jones slider bar chart, this was definitely closer to Sergio.  I'm pretty sure that none of the actual episodes funnies were due in part to Ashton Kutcher, because there were about 3 or 5 times throughout the episode that I forgot he was actually hosting.  No offense to him at all, but it just shows how strong the writers and cast have grown this season.

Above is my favorite sketch of the night.  FUNNY VOICES! Ooowooowooo!  Horse cock.  And after the jump are a couple more of the sketches that gave me the best laffers that night!  Plus a bonus Digital Short that didn't make the cut.  It made the internet though.  They always do.

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Early Morning Crap

• NEED TURKEY CHEESE FRIES. [urlesque]

•  The Office news that I have been waiting to hear basically call season.  It's about time the Nard-Dog was thrown a bone.  Also a bit spoilery.  [Ausiello Files]

• Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan "hang out and chat for hours about girl stuff"????  What kind of 'girl stuff' are they talking about?  Sour pusses and SCRAM accessories?  [People]

• Speaking of LiLo, now there are rumors that her bff4lyfe SamRo got a little domestic violencey on her face.  Denying the rumor, Lindsay stated that she just bumped her face on the table she was snorting from several times. [dlisted] 

• Dear John finally toppled Avatar's box office domination.  I'd write something semi-funny here but I have a thing for Amanda Seyfried.  [Zap2It]

• The first true colors of a dinosaur have been revealed for the first time after an extensive tone comparing process.  So behold, the Anchiornis huxleyi - a bird with a lizard mouth.  [Gizmodo]

FRIDAY FELINE FIND: Meow-men of Death?

Meet Oscar* (*image photoshopped)  Oscar is the resident feline at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island where he was adopted as a small kitten and raised all of his life.  Just your normal, everyday old folks home cat.  Meowing.  Eating.  Staring out windows.  Hiding.  And picking out exactly which decrepit elderly resident will be the next one to exit in a body bag.


Oscar the "Death Thermometer" Cat has correctly predicted the deaths of about 50 residences at the center.  Soon before it's about time for croaking, Oscar enters the patient's room and curls up with them... meaning only one thing.  Death becomes them.  Even when MEDICAL SCIENCE has pointed to another patient's death, Oscar chose correctly.

Dosa recounts one instance when staff were convinced of the imminent death of one patient but Oscar refused to sit with that person, choosing instead to be on the bed of another patient down the hallway. Oscar proved to be right. The person he sat with died first, taking staff on the ward by surprise

How this everyday cat is able to sense the imminent death of a human being is still unknown.  But what is known, to me, is how EFFING TERRIFYING THIS THIS.  Imagine lying in the dark, dank room of your nursing home, still mouthing the remnants of the plain applesauce you had for dinner, just about ready to drift off to sleep when you feel it.  The furry warm mass pawing at your side.  You look to your left and there he is.  Oscar.  Cat of Death.

See just how this goes down in AWESOME photoshopped glory after the jump...

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Facebook Isn't Just For Getting Fired Anymore

When I first joined facebook, it was my sophomore year of college.  It hadn't even come close to critical mass back then and the only thing that posting incriminating information/pictures would do is illicit hilarious comments from friends on your wall - which was like a big electronic dry erase board.

Then facebook got popular with your mother and weirdly, your grandmother and her bridge cronies and then bosses started figuring out they could spy on their employees sultry and booze fueled personal lives which randomly led to a friend of a friend of a friend who works with a dude at a big company can't remember which one who has a friend in HR that got fired because of the pictures she posted on f'book from her weekend adventures as a mega d-esser.

Then this trollop happened.

So, lessons learned right?  If you didn't want to be fired from your ULTRA CORPORATE JR. FINANCE ASSISTANT CAREER promoted or you were ever even thinking about running for Miss Nevada, then you left the slut pictures off your profile.  Nothing else to fear!

UNLESS... you are 39-year-old Christopher Crego of Terre Haute, IN.  You see, Mr. Crego had been on the DL since the fall after he failed to show up for a sentencing hearing after he pleaded guilty to assault.  So, wanting to brag to all the ladies he met at 50 cent boneless wing Thursdays at the local Buffalo Wild Wings the night before, he update his profile to include his pimp job at a tattoo parlor.

Welp, the police in Lockport, NY happened upon his profile why were they on facebook and sent the information along to the US Marshals, who promptly made an arrest.  To show their appreciation for helping them with the arrest, the Lockport PD left Crego a fb message!

Lockport police posted a thank-you note on Crego's Facebook page saying: "It was due to your diligence in keeping us informed that now you are under arrest."

Friend request ACCEPTED!

Thanks Meg!

via LA Times

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Saturday Night Live

Let it be known that I just don't care about Ashton Kutcher.  Don't hate, don't lactate over.  But, I do think he can be a solid host of Saturday Night Live.  On one hand, Mr. Moore does have some comedy chops to his model good looks, even if his voice does sound like it belongs behind a Scooby Doo character.  AAAAND, it doesn't take much to out read, out speak, and out breath January Jones.  But on the other hand, he's following last week's Platinum Advantage Card showing by Jon Hamm, so...  Guess we'll have to warm ourselves up from all the 9 million inches of snow the East Coast is getting tomorrow and find out.

Also Them Crooked Vultures are the musical guest, so that's... got an interesting look about it.

This Will Change My Life Forever

I love ketchup.

RIP Grandma Horton

Last night I read that my favorite soap actress of all time passed away at the age of 95 it was a rough night and this morning I can barely function.  Frances Reid, better known to the entire Days of Our Lives loving world as Grandma Alice Horton, has passed on to that great white Salem in the sky.

Grandma Horton was the OG HBIC of Salem and really wasn't afraid to eff up your bizznass if it meant getting what she wanted.  From the premiere episode back in 1965 to her last episode in 2007, Alice Horton ran that place like the true glamor she was.

Even back in the Days, this Queen B has been bringing the drama, be it discovering that her son Tommy, thought to be killed in Vietnam, was actually some dude named Mark who was suffering from the 'nesia, or when she was almost killed by the medication dispensing robot, or when she helped Bo kidnap Hope which started one of the most well known soap-mega couples of all time.

Alice Horton was a true star and one that any other future soap actor/actress should look up to if they're are any more soaps in 3 years.  Glamorous, conniving in a good way, and always with class, Grandma Horton, you will be truly missed.



I might have cried watching this. Also, there's a zillion of these on youtube already.

Early Morning Crap

• I'd rather have a Gesture Cube than an iPad any day of the week.  Look how cute it's little stand is!  Someone make this a real thing now!   [engadget]

• NBC's cafeteria celebrated Black History Month in the only way it knew how.  The racist way.  More colorful indeed!  [TV Guide]

• Ugly Betty has a set series finale date that will be... THIS SHOW IS STILL ON THE AIR?!  Pity kill already.  [Zap2It]

• Dina Lohan felt it necessary to call up People and give her thoughts so caring this one on her daughters Hoarder house.  First off, I want to say Lindsay Lohan isn't a Hoarder unless there's three feet of human excrement piled on the floor, NOT three feet of cocaine.  [People]

• Speaking of LiLo, it's nice to see that despite her messy house, she's got her personal life in check.  [dlisted]

• Papa Joe Simpson has a new deal with Nickelodeon developing a new show based on his experiences raising his two famous daughters - tentatively titled: Boobs to Fondle [THR]

Aunt Edna's Rolling in Her Grave...

Chevy Chase has seriously been working hard to make us forget he was ever the host of a late show stale yet relevant zing! with is work on Community these last few months, so I'm not entirely sure why it's even necessary for him to go after his classics that were good I'm blatantly referring to Caddyshack II here, because duh. But, apparently someone bestvacationsever.com has offered him and some woman that doesn't look like Beverly D'Angelo but might be? a lot of money to pretend to be in footage of someone driving the Family Truckster that bestvactionsever.com bought off of ebay.

Also, while I'm on the subject, what has B D'Angelo been up to these days?  Welp, never mind.  I checked her imdb page.  She's been on Entourage off and on over the last five years.  Now I know why she's dead to me.  /hatewagon.