Best Night Ever Monday, October 1nd!

Ahhh, so yesterday was incredibly busy at work so I couldn't really update. I mean I could have but, work pays me and this blog does not. So unless I want to end up like the homeless guy I throw paperclips at when I leave each day, I probably better keep working.

Unfortunately, YESTERDAY WAS AMAZING! Britney lost her kids!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, actually, it's pretty sad especially since she just doesn't seem to care all that much. Poor, poor crazy people.

Anyway, here's Brian Faas of Best Week Ever to give us the low down on the up highs of last night's TV awesomeness.

TV Makes You Rich

Forbes has released it's top 20 highest paid TV actors is out. If you don't know who the number one spot went to before even looking at the list, you shouldn't even own a television.

With no big surprise, O takes number one. The big surprise though is by how much. She beats out her next closest actor by $200 million! Orpah say what!

The top 10 is below:

1. Oprah Winfrey, $260 million

2. Jerry Seinfeld, $60 million

3. Simon Cowell, $45 million

4. David Letterman, $40 million

6. Jay Leno, $32 million

7. Dr. Phil McGraw, $30 million

8. "Judge" Judy Sheindlin, $30 million

9. George Lopez, $26 million

10. Kiefer Sutherland, $22 million

For the rest of the top 20, click here.

Best Night Ever Thursday, September 28th

Alright. I'm angry today. Best Week Ever put up their little video of last night's best night ever but not in the same iFilm format that usually do that allows me to post it in this little blog. Now it's in some lame yahoo version.

Basically, I can't put it here for your convenience to watch right on this page. Now if you want to watch it, you have to go directly to their site which I have kindly linked here.

If you want to boycott them until they switch back, I'm fine with that too (shakes fist angrily in air).

Best Night Ever Wednesday, September 26th

Bionic Woman premiered last night, that's all I have to say. Stay posted for a review/recap of the episode later today. Until then, enjoy Shea Hess' recap of the best night ever on tV.

I Like This Song

I know this isn't a new song. But I just started listening to this and I like it. And I like the video. So, by the powers of YouTube, I bring it forth for you to watch.

Best Night Ever Tuesday, September 25th

Happy Hump Day! You know what that means? We're only half way through the work week. ARG! Well, luckily we have Mindy Raf of here to spice up our morning with with the best moments from last night's TV awesomeness. All I can say is thank you for not putting any clips from The Biggest Loser in because that show makes me cry almost every nihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifght. Good luck to all those losers!

30 Rock Premiere This Thursday

This is the show that I am most excited to see return. Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and the rest of the cast are phenom, the writing is impecable and don't even get me started on the guest stars.

Here's a little preview of Thursdays episode!

Halo 3 What?

Oh yeah, in case you didn't hear about it, Halo 3 launched today.

Because I'm Sad

Each year, when summer slowly dies and the weather gets colder and the new TV shows roll out from the major networks, I weep a little. Why you ask. Because FOX sucks and canceled Arrested Development. So, as a little tribute to a former cast member who had a break out year, enjoy!

Maya Rudolph is Coming Back!

EW is reporting the Maya Rudolph will be back for another season of SNL! Thank you, thank you, thank you! In a statement to NBC, the Donatella look alike stated:

''It was an agonizing decision, but ultimately, I feel I made the best choice both as a mother and as an actress. I couldn’t be happier to be returning to SNL.''

I will be watching for you this Saturday Miss Rudolph. You better not disappoint!

If You Didn't Think Kanye Was Obnoxious Before

Well, you better now. I guess at least it's good he's drunk.

Maya Rudolph Gets Out

Maya Rudolph has now officially left the cast of SNL. There were reports this year that she was probably going to leave, but earlier this week she was in negotiations to come back.

That is no longer the case. Just a week before the show's premiere, Rudolph has decided to pull out. No reason was given.

I'm bummed. She was an awesome cast member for 7 years giving us such memorable portrayals of Oprah, Whitney, Beyonce, as well as the hilarious Donatella Versace. It is a sad day. Moment of silence please.


Now watch a somewhat season appropriate edition of Maya as Donatella.

Kiefer Gets Another DUI

Kiefer Sutherland was busted for his second DUI in five years last night, after blowing more than double the .08 legal limit in California.

Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.

We're told Sutherland was "cooperative and mellow" while he was in custody.

Really he was mellow? I figured he would be incredibly intense while yelling at someone from CTU to actually do something while he held a gun to one cop's head and killed the other's in the room with his legs, a chair, and a broom he found in the corner. Then he would save his daughter. Who is hot.

Best Night Ever Monday, September 24th

I spare you the semi-trying-too-hard remarks and just say: Here's Brian Faas of Best Week Ever with the best parts of last night's TV!!!

Heroes Season 2 Premiere = Snooze Fest

Well, the big season two premiere of Heroes came and went and I'm just going to say it. BORING! SPOILERS AHEAD so be careful if you haven't seen it yet.I knew that we would be treated to an information episode, but come on.

First off, what did we really learn? Claire, HRG, and fam are at a new town - obvs she wouldn't stay at her old one. Matt got a divorce and is helping raise Molly. Duh. Molly has nightmares about the guy that can see her when she thinks of him. Okay, there's something new and interesting. He actually haunts her when she sleeps which is pretty creepy.

Mohinder is trying to show people that he isn't crazy and that human evolution is changing, or in other words, becoming his father. At least he gets in contact with HRG and someone related to the old order of "heroes" to try and bring down The Company.

We are introduced to a new hero. Maya Herrera is a Dominican and is trying to get to the US with her brother to find a cure for her "power" that seems to be rather uncontrollable as she accidental kills everyone in the caravan taking her across the border after she is separated from her brother. The others appear to have died all at the same time and all of them had blood or some other dark liquid leaking from their eyes, noses, and mouths. I will say I am quite intrigued by this girl.

Hiro is still in feudal Japan and is probably going to be there for like a third of the season, I can feel it now. He meets Takezo Kensei, the legendary Samurai who is actually a white, drunk, British man who doesn't seem to be living up to the "legends" Hiro heard as a child. Luckily, that seems to be changing as we should see what his powers are next week. Ando is back with Hiro's dad, who unfortunately receives a picture of himself with the helix in red over top of it. This apparently is some sign that he will be killed in 24 hours. Guess what, he gets killed by a shadowy figure.

He does give us something to go on though as he talks with Angela Petrelli, Nathan and Peters mom who also received one after talking to Nathan who's basically become a degenerate alcoholic. Hiro's dad reveals that its someone from the old order and that she best be careful. She leaves, he dies, and Ando sees it happen.

ALSO, WHERE IS NIKI? WHERE IS DL? WHERE IS MICAH?! My favorite (and most everyone elses least favorite) story line gets completely snubbed in the first episode.

Finally, the lamest part of the episode. Where's Peter, where's Peter, where's Peter. Let's beat that into our minds a little more. When they finally show him, he's chained up in a shipping crate (you know, the giant ones on cargo ships?) and of course has amnesia but has acquired some type electrical power that shoots from his hands. Honestly, is there any reason that Peter had to become Jack Bauer?

All in all, I was pretty let down. Don't get me wrong, still obsessed with the series. Gonna watch it until I die, especially since they promised more action this season. Hopefully they're getting the boring out now.

Not That Exciting

The last week or so has been pretty uneventful in Hollywood and it doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. Here's a rundown of some of the daily happenings that just don't deserve posts of their own:

-Miley Cyrus, daughter of Mr. Achey Breaky himself, and some Disney robot was pregnant. Luckily she's not now. (TMZ)

-The White Stripes drummer, Meg White, has a sex tape online right now. The palest, weirdest, most awkward sex tape ever. (Dlisted)

-You know how when two celebs get together and start dating someone has to combine their names into something lame? Yeah, they're getting lamer. See Haylo. (The Superficial)

-Perez has a video of a fight he got into with an angry lesbian and no it wasn't a mirror. (PerezHilton)

-I'm sure you've all heard that Marcel Marceau, the world famous mime, passed away over the weekend. Here's a wondeful tribute. (Best Week Ever)

-Helen Mirren is hot and has some nice tata's for an older lady. A classy older lady. (Go Fug Yourself)

IMMP: Sports Time

As many of you know, I lack athletic ability. I'm also not a big follower of sports in general though I have been watching a lot of football recently. Despite my sports shortcomings though, that doesn't mean I can't spot a hilarious/awkward sports moment if I see one - especially when it's deals with celebrities!! Watch the awkward below!

Best Night Ever Sunday, September 23rd!

Michael Cyril Creighton from Best Week Ever is here today to give us the lowdown on the beginning of network TV's return to prominence. Sunday marked the day for FOX to kick off it's premieres with The Simpsons and an hour long, Star Wars episode of Family Guy. So get your couch ready for the rest of the fall season and enjoy!

NEW POLL

There's a new poll up on the right bar of the page. Do you want the Britster to make a comeback? It's been a pretty awful year for the train wreck. Granted 99% of it is all her fault. But you can forgive and forget right? Or not? Let everyone know how you feel. Vote and leave your comments below!

It Finally Happened

Salma Hayek FINALLY gave birth to her massive, 4 year old child. Does anyone know when she actually became pregnant? 2003? 2002? 1997?

The little (giant?) girl was given the name Valentina Paloma Pinault. Now her boobs might return to a size that the human brain can actually comprehend. Or maybe they'll just stay as large giant pandas. Beautiful giant pandas...

Jen = The Best Bitch Ev.

I heart my friend Jen. She is a sexy beast.

Just Wanted To Say

Remember this?

Happy Birthday Kate!

The lovely lady in the picture above is my awesome friend Kate. Today is her birthday. We are going to an open bar for her birthday with our friends. It should be a rather stupendous affair.

I would just like to wish Kate the happiest and gayest birthday ever. I love you so much pumpkin and I can't wait to see you!

Oprah on Vag

Earlier today, my beautiful friend Jenna texted me that Oprah said vajayjay on her show today and it made her think of me. How sweet. Later in the day, it was on the internet. So, here's Oprah, talking to a girl that has balls instead of ovaries, saying the word "vajayjay".

Monarch Migration

This has nothing to do with anything really other than it was an observation that I have made over the last few days. Tons of Monarch Butterflies have been flying bast my office window this week - more and more each day. Today alone I've counted over 20 and that's with me not really looking for them. I'm sure there as been more.

I think it's because of their crazy cross country migration thing they do. Anyone else have any thoughts?

Best Night Ever Thursday, September 20th!

Everybody's working for the weekend! This is basically the last week of Summer TV, so I hope you enjoyed it. Next week all the major networks start up their Fall programming and we are bombarded by brand new good/awful shows as well as all our old favorites. For now, we can enjoy the final remnants of summer with Anthony Papandrea from Best Week Ever. Who's excited for Heroes?!

Southland Tales Makes No Sense

If you're like any pre-college, college, or post-college student, you probably list Donnie Darko in your favorite movies in your facebook or myspace accounts because it speaks to you even though you don't know what it's about but you don't want to look like the loser that doesn't get it while everyone else does. Well, Richard Kelly is at it again. This time with a movie that is even more bizarre.

The trailer for Southland Tales makes about no sense. Literally none. It's supposedly about LA and the apocolypse. Okay? The thing that intrigues me is the cast. THE RIDICULOUS CAST. It stars:
-Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
-Seann William Scott
-Sarah Michelle Gellar
-Justin Timberlake
-Mandy Moore
-Janeane Garofalo
-Amy Poehler
-John Larroquette
-Cheri Oteri
-Jon Lovitz
-Bai Ling
-Miranda Richardson
-Kevin Smith
-And others!

HOLY CRAP? This movie is just going to either be exceptional, possibly life changing. Or complete wretchedness - simply based off the cast.

Alicia Silverstone MIA No More!

Alicia Silverstone decided that she could make an appearance in something that wasn't terrible. So she made a vegetarian commercial. LAME



At least it's hot and steamy - JUST LIKE MY VEGGIES!!! OH SNAP!

Worst of the Worst Pt 2

Tyra Banks held a fashion show at Port Authority in New York City - AKA the homeless people toilets. Oh man she's a crazy.

Worst of the Worst

Chris Crocker, the "Leave Britney Alone" kid that I'm sure you've probably already forgot about, was on Maury. Now, I love Maury, so it pains me that he had to stoop so low as to get this kid. I mean I've seen a man wallowing in mashed potatoes while nearly making love to another woman on that show and it is still in no way nearly as trashy as this.

Amy Winehouse Performs??

Amy Winehouse gave an interesting performance at the MOBO Awards in London. Again, it was interesting. It was in no way as uncomfortable as watching Britney bomb at the VMA's but it still carried that slight familiar feeling...



She's got such an amazing voice, too bad shes a druggo.

Best Week Ever Wednesday, September 19th!

Michael Mattera is here from Best Week Ever to give us the best of the best of last nights television shows. We had the season finale of Last Comic Standing as well as the season premier of Kid Nation which somehow avoided child labor lawsuits, but who cares if it's for good television! So take a big swig from your coffee mug (flask) and enjoy!

New Juno Trailer is Awesome

Juno, the new movie from the director of Thank You for Smoking, Jason Reitman. It basically stars 4 of my favorite actors of recent times and has Jennifer Garner who's pretty hot. Jason Bateman and Michael Cera of Arrested Development, Ellen Page of X-Men 3 and Hard Candy, and the hilar Rainn Wilson from The Office.
Check the trailer out below. Juno opens December 14th.

Debra Messing Robbed a Clown

Debra Messing was spotted outside actually wearing this.


First off, I'm not entirely sure who/what would actually decide to put that on and think it was flattering. I've seen some really bad clothes in my life, heck, my closet's full of crap, but I've never, ever seen anyone throw on a tarp and staple it around their legs and arms. My favorite is the necklace she's wearing as if she delicately selected it from her jewelery box, put it on and thought to herself, why yes, this makes the outfit!

Arrr Me Mateys!

I know I'm obviously a bit late on this, but it's much, MUCH too important not to post about. Today, if you didn't already know, is National Talk Like a Pirate Day. This is especially special to me because my college mascot was a pirate (granted, an abnormally fabulous pirate, but a pirate nonetheless) therefor making NTLaPD a really big deal for us on campus.

So, to all my friends from college, those graduated and those still there, Happy National Talk Like a Pirate Day!! I hope the pep band is playing this quietly in the background while you're reading this.

AMAZING AMINALS!

Best Week Ever uncovered this absolutely amazing video of squirrels doing the most amazing things. I'm amazed!

Honestly though, when I watched this, I erupted in laughter and couldn't stop. It's so funny. The music, the jumping, the nuts!!!! I couldn't take it.

Britney <3's Drugs More Than Kids

Britney Spears was out and about town last night having a good old time despite the fact that the judge from her court hearing told Miss Spears that her kids would be taken from her if she didn't stop abusing drugs.

Telling Britney that she can't party is like telling a 3 year old that they can't have candy. It's only going to make them want/beg/steal/kill for candy more. I love that the judge ordered that her and K-Fed both attend parenting classes, both undergo drug testing, and both not say damaging things about the other. He really seems concerned for the kids and is trying to make it so they can be adopted by a real family, full of real people that lead lives that are real - as opposed to the two incompetent, drug hungry fiends that are their parents. Good luck little Sean Preston and the other potato, may you one day find parents that don't use your soft spots as ashtrays.

Best Week Ever Tuesday, September 18th!

Happy Hump Day! I feel like I'm back in 4th grade again will O.J. all over the news once more. Not gonna lie, the O.J. Simpson trial of the past was such a massive media event that my 4th grade class would immitate the trial out at recess. 10 points to whoever can correctly guess which "character" from the trial I played.

Anywho, there were a few other things on TV last night and Kristy Webb of Best Week Ever is here to tell us about them. Laughy laughy.

I'm So Pop Culture

Today I went to get lunch at the awesome food stop Getting Hungry? and noticed an interesting bag of Doritos called Doritos Collisions: Zesty Taco & Chipotle Ranch. Naturally intrigued, I bought a bag and discovered that it contained those 2 delecitible flavors in one bag! Next, I googled it and what did I find? Why none other than my favorite rap artist is helping promote them. Missy Elliott.

According to reports, the commercials debut September 17 and feature Elliott in the studio creating a "mash up," while eating Doritos Collision chips, which contain two distinct flavor of chips.

An online component to the campaign will also allow fans to create their own mash up singles, using the Grammy Award winning producer's tracks in a competition for prizes.

That's actually kind of cool. Too bad I don't really care that much to actually try to win something like that. At least I hear Mhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifissy's new album is coming out soon.

Best Night Ever Monday, September 17th!

Oh Tuesdays. You aren't really that cool. What do you have to offer other than you aren't Monday? Lame. You do at least let us reflect on all of the great television that was on last night. So without further ado, Brian Faas of Best Week Ever is here to recap all of the best moments from last night's TV shows.

Leave Chris Crocker Alone!

Seth Green was on The Soup this week and really stuck it to all you jerks out there that were making fun of Chris "Off the Rocker" Crocker. You should all take a hint and leave the eye lindered diva ALONE!

The Britney Performance We All Wanted

Amid the Britney controversy of the day (Britney's lawyer dropping her because she's a crazy, and Britney's manager dropping her because she's a crazy, Britney supposedly putting a hit out on Fed-Ex because she's a crazy, K-Fed's surprise witness claiming Britney's a crazy, and Britney probably losing her kids because she's a crazy) at least we all finally get to see the VMA performance that we all wanted. Enjoy!

An Excellent Emmy Wrap Up

Here's a little Emmy reaction from the peeps over at Zap2it. It does an excellent job of summarizing the good and the bad of the Emmy voters and where awards went right and where they went maybe not quite so right.

On one hand, how could you be so hip and savvy to give 30 Rock the outstanding comedy series prize? How could you be so open to new shows that you'd welcome actors from Brothers & Sisters (Sally Field) and Ugly Betty (America Ferrera) into the winners' circle? How could you very correctly identify award-worthy work from people like Terry O'Quinn and Ricky Gervais?

How could you do those things right (or close to right) and still push the default option so many times? In short, how can you just keep giving Emmys to The Amazing Race?

Give it a read, you'll like.

59th Primetime Emmy Award Winners

Here's the complete list of the Primetime Emmy Awards.

Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
Late Night With Conan O'Brien

Outstanding Writing For A Miniseries, Movie Or A Dramatic Special
Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
The Sopranos • Made In America

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
The Office • Gay Witch Hunt

Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Judy Davis • The Starter Wife

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Katherine Heigl • Grey's Anatomy

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Jaime Pressly • My Name Is Earl

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Thomas Haden Church • Broken Trail

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Terry O'Quinn • Lost

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Jeremy Piven • Entourage

Outstanding Reality-competition Program
The Amazing Race

Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program
Tony Bennett • Tony Bennett: An American Classic

Outstanding Miniseries
Broken Trail

Outstanding Made For Television Movie
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Helen Mirren • Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Sally Field • Brothers & Sisters

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
America Ferrera • Ugly Betty

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie Robert Duvall • Broken Trail

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
James Spader • Boston Legal

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Ricky Gervais • Extras

Outstanding Drama Series
The Sopranos

Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
Rob Marshall • Tony Bennett: An American Classic

Outstanding Directing For A Miniseries, Movie Or A Dramatic Special
Philip Martin • Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

Outstanding Directing For A Drama Series
Alan Taylor • The Sopranos

Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series
Richard Shepard • Ugly Betty Pilot

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock

The 59th Primetime Emmys The Live Blog

I hope you all enjoyed this little (READ: HUGE) post of the 59th Annual Primetime Emmys. This was one of the better Emmy shows I've seen in a while. It was quick, precise and hit all the right points. I'm pleased with all the winners, I feel most people deserved what they got.

Let me know what you thought of the Emmys in the comments section. I wanna know how you all felt about it.

Congratulations to all the winners and thank you all so much for inspiring me to go into the field that I am in. I hope some day that I am able to experience working with some of you!

11:11 - And that my friends is the end of the Emmys.

11:11 - This is a nice send off for the show.

11:08 - BEST DRAMA GOES TO THE SOPRANOS. No surprise there. Congrats.

11:08 - I don't know what happened with Helen Mirren, what did she just say?

11:03 - I'M SO HAPPY FOR TINA FEY! Awww, she deserves this so much. Congratulations Tina Fey, congratulations.

11:02 - BEST COMEDY GOES TO 30 ROCK!!!!!! YES!!!! GO TINA FEY!!!!!! TAKE THAT LAME-TOURAGE

11:01 - Frasier and Ray Romano's wife. They're in some new show again.

10:56 - QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: JAMES SPADER: I feel like I just stole a pile of money from the mob.

10:55 - BEST LEAD ACTOR FOR DRAMA SERIES - JAMES SPADER!!!!!! NO WAY. NO WAY!!! HE BE JAMES GANDOLFINI!!!! HOLY CRAP!

10:54 - Why is Kate Walsh have an 80's hair cut? I still love her.

10:52 - Ugh. Can America just stop winning things. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I don't care anymore. Yeah, yeah she's awesome. I wish everyone else stopped caring to.

10:51 - William Shatner and Deborah Messing presenting Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. COME ON TINA FEY!!!!

10:47 - That was classy and I always forget how many people have passed away this year.

10:43 - In Memoriam. That just kind of came out of no where. Thank you to all the people out there that have contributed to TV and Film.

10:42 - SALLY FIELD GET OFF THE DAMN STAGE! WHY DOES SHE FREAK OUT. AND STOP CENSORING. They do it in the worst way. Instead of muting her, they completely cut to a different shot. Now we aren't even able to see what she said. That's not cool.

10:41 - LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES - SALLY FIELDS. That's incredibly. She beat out the Sopranos. Take that! I've never seen an episode of this show. Hope she deserved it.

10:40 - That was hilarious, instead of Ricky Gervais getting it, because he wasn't there, they gave it to Steve Carrell. Then they all jumped around on stage and screamed like girls.

10:39 - LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDEY SERIES - RICKY GERVAIS. Wow! I was really pulling for Alec Baldwin. WAIT, THIS JUST GOT AWESOME!!!!

10:38 - The Emmys are so self-depricating this year. It's awesome.

10:36 - A private jet sandwich. LOL!

10:35 - Stephen Colbert and John Stewert. How can this not be good.

10:35 - Commercial Break Note: OJ's bail was set for $78,000 Thanks Gab for that update.

10:30 - WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE ON STAGE? DID THE SOPRANOS COME BACK UP?!

10:30 - Oh, and The Amazing Race wins for Best Reality program. Don't they win every year? Booooooring.

10:29 - Kanye West just said he never wins. Are you kidding me?! HE'S RICH AS HELL. HE'S WINNING ALL THE TIME. STFU.

10:28 - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Much too long of a skit. But awesome. Even with Kanye.

10:25 - If it weren't for Rainn, I would not be watching this. Curse you Kanye.

10:24 - Wayne Brady. You'll cut a bitch.

10:24 - What is that?

10:20 - Who do you guys think is gonna win Best Comedy and Best Drama? Let me know in the comments.

10:17 - Best Writing for a Comedy Series goes to The Office! GO NBC!!! Congrats Greg Daniels. Odd speech, but okay? I love The Little Red Hen?? Okay, you can stop now.

10:16 - They've been up on stage this whole time?!!?!?

10:15 - Richard Shepherd for Ugly Betty. THIS IS THE JOB I WANT.

10:14 - Nominees for Best Director in a Comedy Series

10:12 - Stanley Tucci and Elaine Stich. HAHAHAHAHA, She's hilarious! Loving this. That was the best thing ever.

10:11 - Oh Teri Hachette. You're shiny, and a bit stretched. Nominees for Best Guest Actress and Actor in a Comedy Series.

10:09 - Tony Bennett. Again. Again. Granted he's Tony Bennet. Best Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program. I don't think he knows where he is.

10:09 - Did I mention her boobs?

10:08 - Wow, nice bazoombas! And Charlie Sheen, silly horn-dog.

10:06 - My roommate Dan just lost it. He flipped out at Al Gore the entire time he was on the screen. Simmer.

10:05 - AL GORE INVENTED THE INTERETZZZZZZZ

10:05 - TOM?! I hate Tom. I hate you. You are not my friend.

10:04 - HIRO. YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THAT COMPUTER!!!

10:03 - Ryan Seacrest, you're winning me over. I don't know know what to do.

10:02 - On a commercial note, how awesome is that Heroes is rubbing it in Lost's face that they got Kristen Bell. Love it!

10:01 - Wow, McDonalds, you almost finally, FINALLY made a descent commercial. Thanks for making it much too long and ruining it. Losers.

9:59 - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! KANYE WEST?! HE HAS NO REASON TO BE AT THE EMMYS. I'M COMPLETELY BOYCOTTING THAT SEGMENT. IF HE PERFORMS, DON'T GET ME STARTED, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.

9:58 - I don't think I understood a single word that man said.

9:58 - Oh Prime Suspect, why don't you and Broken trail just take all the awards. Jerks.

9:57 - Nominees for for Outsanding Writing in a Miniseries or Movie

9:56 - And the winner: Philip Martin for Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre). Nice speech. Quick and gone. Just how we like them.

9:56 - Nominees for Outsanding Directing in a Miniseries or Movie.

9:55 - Has anyone ever watched Cold Case? No? Okay.

9:52 - Oh Lewis Black. What an awesome point. Yeah Networks, take note! We want to see our names on the screen! HAHAHA. This is awesome. So very poignant and true. I congratulate him for that.

9:50 - Helen Mirren just one for Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie. She looks a bit rough around the edges. What's up with her hair? Granted she's one of the greatest screen and stage actresses of all time so I'll let it slide.

9:49 - Patrick Dempsey and Sallie Field, which one would you do?

9:48 - On a side note, Perez just posted this story that Britney might lose her kids as early as tomorrow morning due to a surprise witness from the Federline camp.

9:44 - They just came on stage, took a bow and then went to commerical. That's awesome. Congratulations to the cast though. What a run! Maybe someday I'll borrow the DVD's from friends and watch it. Or not.

9:43 - The cast of The Sopranos. HOLY CRIPES. How many of them are there?! Awesome entrance by the family though. I think there are more people on stage than my high school graduating class.

9:43 - That was pretty cool. I love how everything is moving right along. Quick and clean.

9:42 - Alright, I guess they are singing now. I really like this now.

9:41 - Have you noticed how many freaking TV's are in this building. I want that to be my living room, when I'm rich.

9:40 - I thought they were gonna sing a song about The Sopranos, but this is okay too.

9:40 - Are thye really singing? It sounds a bit fake.

9:38 - Jersey Boys. This should be good.

9:38 - WHAT THE HELL IS ON THIS GUYS EYE!? HUGE BOIL OR SOMETHING.

9:37 - Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee takes the Emmy. These really make me wish I had seen/heard of some of these.

9:35 - These 3 ladies are just stunning. Keira, Glen, and Mary. Lovely. And such wonderful actresses as well. Now the nominees for an Oustanding Made for TV Movie.

9:32 - I don't mean to be rude, but he can leave now. He was incredibly boring. I know it's for a good cause, but quicken that up a bit next time. Thanks.

9:31 - Yeah, it's about time American Idol did something that actually helped America instead of showing us all the idiots.

9:29 - THE PRESIDENT OF THE TV ACADEMY HAS A CREEPY CHICKEN NECK

9:29 - And the Emmy goes to Judy Davis, A Starter Wife for Best Supporting Actress in a miniseries or movie.

9:28 - Marcia Cross. I want to marry her. Make her divorce her husband and marry me. She's definitely my MILF.

9:27 - That womans name was Mika Velga from the Academy. What?!

9:27 - Does Tony Bennett know what's going on? AND WOWZERS. Hot wife.

9:25 - Tony Bennett an American Classic. I know that that show was probably thrilling, but was that a pity vote?

9:24 - Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Special nominees.

9:24 - It's funny how Leno wasn't even nominated. (It's because he's not that funny).

9:23 - Best Variety, Music, or Comedy series goes to The Daily Show! I like The Colbert Report better, but that's okay. At least they're still friends. Hug it out.

9:22 - The Office cast is amazing. It must be so much fun to work on that show!!!

9:20 - STEVE CARRELL just came out of the ground. He's so funny.

9:20 - Why is Avril Lavigne the music for K*Ville. Poor choice.

9:19 - That meal is fake. Lies Healthy Choice, all lies.

9:18 - Okay, I'm sorry about that last few updates. I got lost as to what was going on, my Chinese food was good and pulled my attention away, and I had to read my fortune cookie.

9:16 - I'm loving these Macy's commercials. Star power always sells me. Honestly, if they're doing it, I probably should be too. Except Jessica Simpson. I'm pretty sure that anything she does, I should be doing the exact oposite.

9:14 - Best Writer to the Sopranos. Surprise.

9:14 - I'm lost.

9:13 - This man just spoke in a crazy language. What's going on.

9:12 - Well, the Sopranos won their first Emmy of the night. How many more do you think they're gonna win. I don't watch this show, so I don't think it should win anything. Take that Manny!

9:10 - I don't even know what they are awarding. Oh, Outstanding Guest Actress in an Drama Series. Okay, What the heck is going on. SO MANY NOMINEES. Can't we give an award before we name more nominees?!

9:09 - HAYDEN beautiful. Neil Patrick Harris made a funny about her being 18. Oh rape targets.

9:07 - He's giving the envelope to someone? That's weird. I thought they got a statue. Broken Trails won. Nice. Apparently there were only 3 miniseries this year. Or only 3 good ones.

9:06 - Oooh, we're honoring the legacy of Roots. Okay. Wait, now they're presenting Outstanding Miniseries.

9:04 - What is this award? I don't know what's happening? Were they supposed to come out of a jail cell? Was that symbolic? Is Tyra there?

9:02 - Alrighty, we're over the first hour and still going strong. Queen Latifa is reading the teleprompter at about a 90 degree angle. Who the hell put that there?!

8:59 - Okay, we're at another commercial and my Chinese foods got here. And this new commercial with Cate Blanchet for Elizabeth: The Golden Age was the most amazing commercials for a historical movie and/or movie in general. I've seen Cate Blanchet on stage in a drama and she just commands the stage. Stunning.

8:56 - Robert Duvall! He's great too. Ali looks stunning by the way.

8:55 - Keiffer and Ali Larter. Two beautiful, awesome people. Now the nominees for Best Actor in a Movie or Miniseries.

8:54 - Congrats Rob Marshall. I don't really know you, but you do exactly what I want to be doing when I'm older. Call me.

8:53 - Alec Baldwin. Awesome. Just look at him. He's great. Best Director in Variety, Music or Comedy Act.

8:52 - The camera work on this show is great! Outside of that little jib jab that happened early, everything is just flowing beautifully.

8:51 - And Christina and Tony are out. Classy. Simply classy.

8:50 - Awesome!!! They are doing the GREEN Emmys. A lot of the things are recycled or reused items - like the entire stage! That is great.

8:48 - I'm loving these Emmys. Like honestly these are really well put together and produced. I honestly can't believe though that this is being done on FOX. Of all networks, FOX is pulling off something remotely classy. And good? REALLY?!

8:45 - The preggers Christina Aguilera is performing with the oldest singer on earth, Tony Bennett. That should be fun. Also, other celebrities are going to present awards. WHO KNEW?!

8:44 - This guy loves the word incredible.

8:44 - And the Emmy goes to CONAN'S TEAM! GO NBC!!!

8:43 - THESE ARE HILARIOUS!

8:41 - Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Musical or Comedy act nominees.

8:40 - J-LOVE!!!!!! SHE IS RADIANT. BEAUTIFUL.

8:39 - Katherine Heigl just cursed on camera. Thanks to the 5 second delay we didn't have to hear her vulgarity! Aww, she's so awesome. It's kind of lame that there were about 6 nominees from 3 shows though. Are these the only good shows on TV?

8:37 - The annoying cast of Entourage and the beautiful Eva Longoria. So what they are saying is that the entire cast of Entourage equals one member of Desparate Housewives? True!

8:36 - Now the montage is honoring Tom Snyder. It's kind of an awkward transition. Hey, these are funny yay! Oh, this is sad, awkward hands.

8:33 - Alrighty, thank you. Okay, now we got Ellen up on stage. She's just a charming lady and she sure does have a hot girlfriend. HAHAHA. She introduced a photo montage of funny one liners from the late night shows.

8:33 - Okay, this commercial is taking too long. 3 minutes people.

8:28 - And another commercial. Boy, I'm team pumped for these awards. It's a nice and refreshing to see an award show do things right (minus that horrible, horrible technical error earlier). If they keep it moving along like this, it could turn out to be one of the better award shows of the season - topping the Oscars.

8:27 - Thomas Hayden Church just won and also gave the most awkward and weird opening to his acceptance. Something about jumping out of a limo to pee and his pants not fitting. AWKWARD.

8:25 - How nice is Kyle Chandler. Katherine Heigl just made an awesome joke about the pronunciation of her name. Now the nominees for Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries.

8:24 - Jaime Pressly gets the award. That's a pleasent surprise. She's a cutie. And she seems very genuinely impressed with winning. Too bad her speech is going on too long - and crying.

8:23 - Nominees for the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedey series.

8:22 - Tina Fey. Just love her. And damn, she looks great. Julia looks very good as well. Nice little joke intro.

8:21 - Ryan now paying tribute to the lovely ladies of TV. MARY LOUISE PARKER IS GORGEOUS.

8:19 - The first commercial featuring tons of celebrities such as Martha Stewart, Diddy, Kenneth Cole, and more was AWESOME. Such a good commercial.

8:17 - Arlight, we've made it to the first commericial break. So, I know that I really shouldn't compare this to the VMA's, but I'm going to. The Emmys have already given out more legitimate awards in 15 minutes than the VMA's did at all. MTV - TAKE NOTE

8:15 - The emmy goes to Terry O'Quinn for Lost. AWESOME PINK SHIRT and shiny black tie combo. This guy's hilar! Making a joke about being paid as much as the Desparate Housewives ladies.

8:15 - Best Supporting Actor in a drama presented by America Farrera and Vanessa Williams. They both look beautiful. As my roommate said, Vanessa is like a sexy older peacock.

8:13 - Jeremy Piven got a bit emotional over thanking his dad. That's cute.

8:12 - And the winner is Jeremy Piven. Though I extremely dislike Entourage, I'm not upset to see Mr. Piven win.

8:11 - Best Supporting Actor for a Comedy. It's about time. Now for the nominees.

8:10 - Okay, apparently Mr. Romano is actually doing a monologue/standup. It's still funnier than anything that MTV has ever done.

8:09 - MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR CAMERA AND AUDIO MALFUNCTION

8:08 - Ray Romano is out to present an award. Snooze

8:08 - Ryan introduced a bunch of shows and did a cool job of it. He mentioned that the show was being done in the round, and it looks awesome. Nice job Emmys

8:06 - Ryan Seacrest is actually being really funny. I'm team pumped.

8:03 - Ryan Seacrest came out to the song Party Like a Rockstar

8:03 - The Emmys are already about 1000 times better than the VMA's

8:00 - Brian and Stewie from Family Guy come out and sing a little number about all the trash that's on TV

AMAZING COMMERCIAL

This is the most ridic commercial I've ever seen!


HILAR

Bring It On: All or Nothing

My friend Meghan and I are watching Bring it On: All or Nothing which is currently airing on ABC Family. We are also appalled at the amount of sex, drugs, and more sex that are part of the movie. This is ABC Family isn't it?

So far, they vulgar words they have said are shit, bitch, ass multiple times, damn, slut, whore, hell, and breast.

It's also incredibly racist, to both black and white people. They're also a line where the villain cheerleader calls her Asian-American friend "Crouching Tiger".

We feel that ABC Family should be ashamed of having such a non-family oriented movie playing on their station. I'm writing a letter.

Live Blogging the Emmys!!

Get your refresh button ready for later tonight at 8pm because I will be live blogging the Emmys. Granted, it's not going to be anything as ridiculous or annoying or disappointing or incredibly stupid or poorly produced or uncomfortable as the VMA's, but it will have actual celebrities and actual awards.

What a Weekend

Last night it was Half Way to St. Patrick's Day at everyone's favorite South Orange pub, Cryan's. It was an extra special occasion because my friends Manny and Megan came to partake in the festivities with my roommates and me. We were also visited by some other friends that live down the street as well.

As expected, drunkeness ensued. Though we had a few weird, kind of creepy encounters with some of the other bar patrons (including a skinhead who was a bit infatuated with Michelle and a group of guys that thought the Easter colored outfit I was wearing was hilarious) we had a great time and ended up closing down the bar.

Hopefully I'll have some pics up a bit later. All in all, after this night and Friday night with Tammie and Courtney, I'm pretty sure this has been one of my favorite weekends in a long while.

Next weekend promises to be crazy as well with an open bar in the city for my lovely friend Kate's bday bash. Team pumped!

Britney + Emmys = No

In Britney Spears news today, Us Magazine is reporting that the Britster will not be performing at the Emmy's as previously rumored.

"Britney Spears has no plans to appear on the Emmys this Sunday," a spokesperson for Jive, Spears’s label, tells Usmagazine.com.

According to an Emmy Awards show source, Fox network brass were "in negotiations" with Brit's camp as of Thursday afternoon in an attempt get her on the television awards show’s annual telecast.

The source told Us that the idea, which was eventually nixed, was “to have

This is probably for the best. I can only imagine what Britney at the Emmys would contain and hopefully those thoughts will never come true.

Britney, get a hold of yourself then make an appearance. Thankfully she's been a bit MIA since the MVA's - good for everyone.

Just a Little Bob Seger

Okay, not gonna lie, there is really no reason I need to be posting this. I just got back from the bar and I've been drinking so I feel the need to express myself I guess. That's the only reason I got. Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs in the entire world. It's from the 80's (big surprise there). Enjoy.

Brintey + Emmys = Comeback?

Us is reporting that Britney's peeps are in talks with people from the Emmy Awards about her possibly appearing on the show. What could she possibly want to do on national television this time you ask? Well, apparently apologize for the mockery she made of pop music last weekend.

Yes, according to an Emmy Awards show source, who tells Usmagazine.com that Fox network brass were "in negotiations" with Brit's camp as of Thursday afternoon to get her on this Sunday night's annual telecast. The source adds that while her appearance has not yet been confirmed, "the idea is to have her come on and apologize for the VMAs. She's weighing the offer."

I guess that's a step in the right direction? She just needs to get a grip on her life. My gosh, how can she go from top of the Pop to a bottom dweller pulling stunts on TV that reality D-listers only dream about. Lose some weight, stop partying so much, be a good mom, and for Pete's sake, learn to dance.

NOTE: I love how the quote uses the word "weighing" because she's kind of a fatty now.

The Emmys are Upon Us, So Vote!

In honor of the Emmys airing this weekend on FOX, I've decided to see which Comedy series out of the noms you would like to see win. On the right side of this page, you will see the new poll up.


The nominees for Best Comedy Series this season are 30 Rock from NBC

Entourage from HBO

The Office from NBC

Two And A Half Men from CBS

And finally, Ugly Betty from ABC.


Now vote!

Best Night Ever Thursday September 13th!

Good morning ladies and gents. It's time for your morning dose of last night's TV shows. It's basically just like that large xtra cheese pizza you ordered while drunk last night, but by the time you got delivered you were already passed out, so it's breakfast today! Mindy Raf is here from Best Week Ever to hand deliver the best moments from last night's Big Brother, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, Lobster Wars, Don’t Forget The Lyrics, and Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style! Save a slice for me!

Britney at the VMA's

You know how when you're at work and someone brings up Britney's VMA performance and that one random person pipes up that they haven't seen it. Then everyone in the office turns around, looks at him/her, and then all start talking at once. "How could you not have seen it" and "Are you kidding me" all overtop of one another.

So, you being the great web surfer you are, jump on the nearest compy, and head over to YouTube only to be denied because Viacom is selfish. Well, I've got it. Finally Britney's performance on YouTube that Viacom will not be able to get rid of. Check out Britney like you've never seen her before.

Sometimes, Cat's Are Enjoyable. Sometimes.

Here's a little video that my boss showed me today at work. It's about a cat. Not a cute cat. Actually, it's a pretty ugly cat. One that's so ugly and pathetic that you can't help but laugh at it's insecurities. Oh the misfortune of others, always good for a laugh.

And the Winner is...

After a week of polling, and a tremendous voter turnout (lies), the results are in for what returning Fall television series you were all looking forward to the most.

Tied for last place with just 7% of the votes was Desperate Housewives and Grey's "I have more convoluted storylines than a daytime soap" Anatomy

Tied second place with 23% were last year's two big new comers, Heroes and 30 Rock.

And finally, the most anticipated show to return this Fall among I Matt My Pants readers with 46% was The Office!
Speaking of, check out what all of The Office members did during their summer.


NOTE: Those %'s don't add up. But that's okay! Who uses real math these days! Yay fuzzy math.

Best Night Ever Wednesday, September 12th!

Well, well, well, what have we here? It looks like the loverly Shea Hess is here to give us the low down on all things great in the TV world. It's an exciting lineup today featuring the following shows: Last Comic Standing, Power of 10, Court TV’s Most Daring, Top Chef and Resuce Me's season finale. So sit back in your office chair, relax, and getcho laff on!

Britney Queen Meets Chocolate Rain

Take two of the most annoying viral video's of late, mix in a bit of editing magic, and get one even more annoying video. Behold, Leave Britney Alone meets Chocolate Rain

Tori Amos Feels Bad For Britney

Tori Amos, the talented, ethereal songstress apparently feels bad the Britney Spears bombed fairly hard at the VMA's. She feels so bad that she wrote a song and performed it at a concert. Click here to listen to it.

If you are like me and don't really care to listen, you can read the lyrics below. Trust me, it's about 10 minutes faster to just read the lyrics.

Britney, they set you up
But you drank from their cup
Britney, they set you up
Oh, but this is what it looks like, love,
This is what is looks like

When a star falls down
When a star falls down

Well, maybe you’re a mother
But you still need your mother
Yes, I may be a mother
But I still need a mother
To pick me up
Yes, to pick me up

When it all falls down
When it all falls down

Britney, they set you up
Is your contract winding up?
But you drank from the cup
Boy, this is what it looks like
Yes, I said, this is, this is what it looks like, Disney, yes

When a star falls down
When a star falls down

You may be a mother
Baby, you still need a mother
Yes, I may be a mother
But I still need a mother
To pick me up
Yes, to pick me up

When it all falls down
When it all falls down
When it all falls, all falls down
When it all falls down

If you're like most people though, you'll just skip over this whole post.

How Rude!

Stefanie Tanner, AKA: Jodie Sweetin of Full House fame is 'nant. That's right, she's got a baby inside o' her. TMZ got a glimpse of a sonogram photo of the tiny tot.

It's hard to believe that all the Tanner girls are grown ups. Candace Cameron grew up and finally got a hold of her weight. Jodie grew up and got a hold of a sperminator. And the Olsens didn't grow up, they just became immortal vampires feeding on the young blood of NYC.

Kanye West is a Prissy Little Bitch

MTV decided that after Kanye West threw a huge, vagina fueled hissy fit after the VMA's about not winning an award after being nominated for 5, that they would kiss his whiny ass.

First Mr. West cried like this:
Then MTV was like, oh no Kanye, we're so sorry, we'd be nothing without you, blah blah blah...

"Kanye West is a visionary performer and he didn't let his fans down at this year's VMA's," the statement said. "From his incredible renditions of "Stronger" and "The Good Life," to the spectacular aerial shots from his multi-level suite which made for one of the grandest visuals of the night, the audience feedback on MTV.com has been overwhelming. In fact, he is the only artist to have three performances ranked in the top 15 on MTV.com."

Spare me. Kanye West is so full of himself and for what? Wearing crazy sunglasses and sampling songs that are much better than the one you rap? Douchey-McGee.

Best Night Ever Tuesday, September 11th!

Granted I should have posted this when I woke up today, but I was basically dead to the world. So, here it is now! Pretend it's shiny and new, not bloated and slow like a certain ex-pop star!!! Anyways, I'm not gonna lie, Kristy Webb of Best Week Ever might be my favorite person on the internet. She's rather hilar if I do say so myself. She's here to give us a clue on what happened on last nights TV programs including , Surviving Moments of Impact, The Biggest Loser, What Perez Says, Big Brother, and 106 and Park, the last of which I've never heard of before. It has Kanye West and 50 though, so I guess it must be somewhat popular. Take a gander and enjoy.

The Great Seagull Massacre of 2007

That's right, a seagull massacre. My roommate emailed me this amazing story about a man who is being charged with 189 counts of killing seagulls.

A marine terminal worker in Philadelphia is awaiting a judge's verdict on whether he deliberately drove his pickup through a flock of seagulls. Fifty-year-old Daniel Gallagher is charged with 189 counts of killing protected birds in the incident last year at Packer Marine Terminal.

Assistant District Attorney Bill James said Gallagher "went out of his way" to drive through the roosting flock and showed a videotape of a 200-foot path of dead birds.

I don't know why he's being charged. This man should be given a medal. He destroyed the single most annoying bird next to the pigeon. 189 counts of murder, more like 189 counts of pure valor.

Best Night Ever Monday, September 10th!

Good morning friends. Hopefully, I developed the ability to erase the horrifying images that were burned into your brain from the VMA's. If not, Brian Faas from Best Week Ever is here to give us a recap of Monday's TV awesomeness. Check it out!

Last Day to Votes

It's the last day to vote for your favorite series to return in the fall. Make sure you voice your opinion. Luckily, Grey's Anatomy is not winning so I'm feeling pretty good.

Keep it up kiddos.

Perez = Comedic Inbred

Perez Hilton has an inept post up that his "hero" is Sarah Silverman based on her little stand up gig during the Vomiting Most Angrily's.

First off, if there was one thing that was nearly as uncomfortable to watch as Britard's "performance," it was Silverman's never ending dump she took on stage.

Luckily, Best Week Ever was there to make me feel better after I read complete stupidity with this!

Joan Rivers is Muzzle Free For the Emmys

Joan Rivers, everyone's favorite botox experiment, is doing her whole red carpet thing for the Emmys again this year. Except this time, she won't be there. Instead, she's gonna be at her home live blogging.

At first I was pretty meh about that idea, I mean she's old, and we all know how well old people deal with technology.

Luckily though, Joan posted on Best Week Ever's site and actually convinced me that it could be, maybe somewhat interesting. Or at least more interesting than the Visual Mind Attack that MTV put on last night. Here's her post along with a promo video.

Hello, my darlings! Joan Rivers here, blogging for the first time in my short adult life.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is Joan Rivers blogging?” Good question. My doctor told me blogging was what happened after eating too many bananas. But blogging is so much more — it’s sitting alone in a dark room, eating raw cookie dough out of the package while my dogs lick my bare feet, and wondering where my life has gone. Melissa, my daughter, love her to death, but the bitch never calls unless I threaten to update my will.

The next logical question is, “What should I blog about?” Well, I believe that old adage that you should write what you know. And what I know is that in less than a week, hundreds of starving celebrities will be dragging their skeletal remains down the red carpet for the 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. I’ve been there for at least 57 of those 59 years, and frankly, the thought of standing out there in the sun screaming, “Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?” would drench me with sweat… if only the Botox would allow it.

So here I am! In the comfort of my own home. All week leading up to the Emmys, I’ll be blogging my thoughts on the upcoming ceremony, and on the big night, my lovely daughter Melissa and I will be online, chatting with you and uploading thousands of photos from the red carpet only seconds after they’re snapped. And since this is the internet, and since most celebrities can barely read much less use a computer, I can finally get to say all the dirty and disgusting thoughts that those old-fashioned TV networks never let me get away with. As the evening wears on, Melissa and I will also be appearing in something called “Podcasts,” which I’m praying is some type of body-transplant surgery.

So join me, Joan Rivers, next Sunday evening for all of my Emmy coverage at EmmyswithJoan.com, and all this week for my exclusive blogging blog things. I may be staying at home, but I’m not staying quiet!

And now, an exclusive sneak peak at some of the fun to come Sunday night!

Extra Says More

Ok! Magazine apparently wants Britney to give them more. After this tragedy, the people over at Extra felt so bad for Britney, they are asking her to take another chance.

The show says they will open their studio stage up to her so that she can try to prove to everyone she is ready for her comeback.

Honestly, do you really think she would take this up? She's damaged goods.

Brintey Knew She Blew It

Us is reporting that right after Britney basically tripped off the stage last night, she burst into tears because she knew her performance was pretty much the worst "Britney" performance anyone has ever seen.

Following a dismal performance of Spears' new single, "Gimme More," a source tells Us that Spears was spotted "crying badly [backstage]. She's devastated. She was really nervous and knows she screwed up."

Well, at least she knows she was terrible. Better than her thinking she was awesome like some unpopular middle school kid who's parents tell her she's the best at everything when in reality the only thing she's good at are the BJ's in the boys bathroom between classes.

Who misses high school?

Britney's Boring Comeback VMA Performance of 2007

In case you missed the slow, weird, awkward, almost pitiful performance that Britney Spears gave as a "comeback," here it is. Watch with caution.



Luckily it wasn't anywhere near as bad as Sarah Silverman bombing like Pearl Harbor right after.

THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

11:16 - Tommy Lee and Kid Rock got in a fight over Pam. WHO CARES.

11:13 - Make it stop.

11:11 - Now that the show is over, Sway is back on and gave this pretty line, "Now that's how it's supposed to be done" ---Sway you are an idiot among men.

11:10 - It's just drunk mayhem right now with people yelling "Yeah" and "Right"

11:09 - Justin is so drunk. Dance break with ridic dancers. SCARF DANCING

11:08 - JUSTIN DRUNKERLAKE comes out. Almost falls. HILAR.

11:07 - Some uggo with legs comes out. No idea.

11:07 - GREEN LASERS. Timbaland.

11:06 - Some no names come out.

11:05 - Nelly comes out dressed as a mix between Sway and Cher. LOVE THIS SONG.

11:04 - Timbaland, Nelly and JT. TEAM PUMPED

11:01 - We still apparently have 1 more performance to go. I really hope Britney comes out and does her show again.

11:00 - THE SHOW ISN'T OVER YET. Diddy has to talk now. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

10:59 - Rihanna wins. Neat. I'm glad that the same 4 people have won all the awards. Cool MTV. You suck goats.

10:58 - Dr. Dre comes out and is effing JACKED! Then he FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY announces the nominees for Best Video of the Year. 'bout damn time.

10:57 - MTV continues to slather on the awkwar jelly by interrupting MJB with music while she's trying to announce Dr. Dre.

10:56 - Mary J. Blige just said thank you to people that weren't clapping.

10:49 - Miss South Carolina just made another ass of herself. Was that just real? Did she try to make fun of herself. I can't even comprehend what is happening anymore.

10:47 - Gym Class Fall Out???? WHAT EVEN AWARD WAS THAT? This is by far the most awkward thing on television since the time my mom walked in on my watching softcore when I was 11

10:45 - JENNIFER GARNER STATES THE GREATEST LINE IN THE ENTIRE SHOW, ONE THAT WE'VE BEEN ASKING ALL NIGHT. "WHAT'S GOING ON"

10:44 - Jennifer Garner looks pretty good. Jamie Foxx, I hate you. STFU you drunk asshole.

10:41 - Everytime we come back from a commercial...FALL OUT BOY. ENOUGH OF FOB. THEY SUCK. Ugh...

10:39 - I have no idea what's going on right now. Someone is rapping maybe? Then an announcer said something. Then it went to commercial.

10:36 - We've determined that Miss Keys hair is simply attached to the headband she is wearing and quickly slipped it over for a new do!

10:35 - Alicia Keys wins my award for Worlds Most Xtreme Over the Top Boots. Or Maybe MTV already gave that one out??

10:34 - Alicia Keys looks awful. Too much fake hair. That is completely a different hairstyle than what she had on earlier in the night.

10:33 - Alicia Keys is introduced by Nelly holding a cup of urine, I mean beer?

10:32 - FAKE LINDSAY LOHAN IS SPOTTED IN THE BACKGROUND. Was that her?!

10:31 - My new favorite artist, Rihanna is performing. Too bad MTV felt the need not to light ANYTHING in her performance area. I'm sorry, I don't have my night vision goggles to watch TV with. Idiots.

10:27 - Thank god for a commercial. It's pretty bad when I look forward to those instead of the actualy show.

10:26 - My friend Gabe is watching License to Wed instead. ON BOOTLEG DVD. He wins.

10:25 - I thought these were the Video Music Awards. VIDEO being the key word here. Not one single award has been given out for anything remotely for videos.

10:24 - Fall Out Boy. 3 years in a row. I hate this show. Hate.

10:23 - Lame-tourage is out to present Best Group. I'm done.

10:22 - Wow, this is really shitty.

10:20 - SNOOZE FEST LINKIN PARK

10:19 - Timbaland, currently in every song on the radio currently, is doing something.

10:18 - Megan Fox. Love her.

10:18 - MASSIVE UGGO in sparkles trying to dance. NAST

10:12 - Another Commercial. Grand

10:11 - Kanye is still going. Ugh... Finish this up already.

10:09 - Kanye West is now performing. Nobody cares anymore. I'm pretty sure he's been doing this for the last 3 hours and the cameras just keep cutting back to him when they have nothing else to show.

10:08 - FERGIE! FERGALICIOUS BITCH. Luda is accepting it, wait no, awkward, Shia is instead. Weird.

10:06 - Shia LeBeouf (sp?) is coming out (as a child molestor) to present Female Artist of the Year. Oh yeah, the new Indian Jones movie is Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

10:05 - 50 is performing. Justin Timberlake comes to do his feature. He's basically music's golden boy at the moment. He just floats from one room to another, being awesome, being Justin.

10:00 - ANOTHER COMMERCIAL

9:57 - Justin Timberlake wins. No surprise there. He's DRUNK as HELL. Wow. But he's hilarious. He tells MTV to play more damn videos. A word from the wise. Listen up Music TeleVision

9:56 - The Hills girls come out and look stupid. They are presenting Male Artist of the Year. Wow, it's about damn time they finally have a normal award.

NOTE DURING COMMERCIAL: Okay, now that I've calmed down after watching that last perfomance, I can safely say that it is probably going to be the only good thing to come out of this damn show. Ugh.

9:49 - That was awesome. My friends and I just started clapping. That was incredible. Chris Brown and Rihanna - they finally did something worthy of watching on this damn awards show.

9:48 - THE KIDS ARE BACK! MTV REDEEMS ITSELF

9:48 - Chris Brown is doing MICHAEL.

9:46 - RIHANNA. THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME. AND SHE'S SINGING! This is incredible. She has the longest legs ever.

9:45 - This is by far the best perfomance of the show tonight - and quite possibly the only real performance that has happened. All the others are just stupid cut aways. GET IT RIGHT MTV. This is what we want to see.

9:44 - HE HAD LITTLE KIDS DANCING. I LOVE THAT. Now's hes just doing some cool dancing. Thank you Chris Brown for finally making me want to watch something.

9:43 - Chris Brown is performing. I don't even know who this is. But he's gonna dance. I LOVE dancing.

9:42 - Rosario Dawson. You're a cutie. I don't even know what you're doing on stage. But I like you.

NOTE DURING COMMERCIAL: Sara Silverman was just awful. She made me hate life. And puppies.

9:36 - Maroon 5 goes on to perform. BOOOORING.

9:34 - Kanye gave the best "Earf" shattering colab to Beyonce. Ugh, she sucks. A lot. HER BOOBS GONNA COME OUT! My friend: "Apparently B thought is was a toga party" --- Plus, she looks fat.

9:33 - MOST EARTH SHATTERING COLLABORATION. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. That is not an award. I hate you MTV. Luckily though, Kanye and 50 came out to present.

9:32 - Foo Fighters are performing. With a string quartet? Okay, I'm down. I love the Cello.

9:25 - Fall Out Boy are performing. Badly.

9:24 - Justin Timberlake wins. Apparently he has a quadruple threat with his clothing line. He was WASTED!

9:23 - J-Hud and Robin Thicke are presenting Quadruple Threat of the Year. WTF award is this? Why is MTV just making up shit.

NOTE: While there's a commercial break, Britney's performance was not good, not good at all. It was weird and she looked like she was on drugs and confused. It was really bad. As my friend Kate stated:

it was embarassing. i was really embarassed for her. she looked confused or something like she didn't realize she was performing at the vmas. and she made no effort to pretend she wasnt lipsyncing. which i guess i can appreciate - not like she ever fooled anyone before

9:15 - Kanye West performs his stupid single. I hate him. The outro to the commercial takes as long as presenting an award. Nice Job MTV.

9:13 - The first ever Monster Single of the Year: Rihanna f/ Jay-Z with Umbrella. NICE. She looks fantast.

9:09 - ALICIA KEYS NIPPO JUST POPPED OUT.

9:08 - Thank god, Sara Silverman just left the stage.

9:06 - Wow, Miss Silverman is BOMBING on stage in front of everyone. It's terrible.

9:05 - Sara Silverman nails Britney. It's INCREDIBLY AWKWARD. REALLY AWKWARD.

9:03 - I don't really know what to say.

9:02 - There she goes

9:01 - It's awkward

9:00 - BRITNEY

The VMA Pre-Show

The pre-show has started. The MTV VJ's are all over the Palms Casino interviewing all the starts and celebrities around the casinos.

Highlights thus far:

-Linkin Park. They're weird.

-John Norris claims to be more excited for Foo Fighters than Britney. The Foo Fighters laugh.

-Sway interviewed Blanche, I mean Paris Hilton.

-Jennifer Garner doesn't look anything like herself. Did she get some work done?

-Kanye still thinks he's awesome.

-Paris Hilton looked like a one of the Golden Girls.

-The Pussy Cat Dolls lead singer, now solo artist, Nicole Scherzinger had a little performance. She started out in a box and did a crazy, gymnastic, jungle gym flip in it. Hot.

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-Carson Daily is in the house.

-Mary J. Blige just claimed Britney Spears is a smart girl. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-The girls from The Hills were interviewed and were just annoying. Punch them.

-Nelly Furtado has blonde hair now. She's looking forward to Britney's opening performance. She says Timbaland, JT and her are all performing together.
SHE WAS ALSO WASTED!!!

-Alicia Keys looks awesome. She claims she has a little bit of The Police influencing her upcoming album.

-Sway interviews Chris Brown and Lil' Mamma who is wearing the partially aborted child of an 80's prom dress and a baby bonnet.

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-Fall Out Boy member Pete Wentz claims that Bon Jovi music is garbage (when he DJ's).

-Rihanna looks absolutely stunning in a red gown. I love her accent.

-John Norris, the oldest man on television, has a scary wig and manscara on. Terrifying.

-Right before the commercial break, MTV showed the clip of Britney's rehearsal. Man they are pounding that into the ground.