The Office Musical

It just kills me how ridiculously creative some people are and how much free time they have. I blame it on the economy. Anyway, since there was no new Office this week, here's a great video to make up for it. Not quite as good as a full episode, but it's the next best thing.



Make sure you "forward it like it's hot!"

Friday Feline Find

If you were ever mean to an animal, this is where you'll be reincarnated after you pass on... as this plot of land.




[via videogum]

America's Best Dance Crew: That One Where Quest Crew Was Better Than Everyone Else

AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW! One more episode to go! And after last night, I know exactly who I want to win. Obviously if you read the title, you'd know that it was definitely not one of the girl groups. It was a disappointing showing for the girls this week and if I have my way, then the the dudes will continue the tradition of taking the title of America's Best Dance Crew.

I'm gonna make this short and sweet. The bottom two crews were Quest Crew and Fly Khicks, leaving Beat Freaks safe until the finale. This lead to a performance from all three crews entitled the Hip-Hop Decathlon which forced each crew to incorporate a bunch of different hip-hop related techniques into their routine, from tutting to threading.

Watch the performances after the break...



Beat Freaks:::

MTV Shows

I thought they were kinda mehzies from what we'd seen from these ladies prior to this night. They didn't seem to bring it...

Quest Crew:::

MTV Shows

Just awesome. Incredibly awesome.

Fly Khicks:::

MTV Shows

These ladies were pretty good, they just aren't in the same league as the first two groups... which is the reason they got sent home. See yaz.

So with only two crews left, their final performances were all they had to impress America one last time. I usually am not a huge fan of these performances because they sometimes seem like an afterthought because the crews spend so much time learning the challenge routine that they don't get to spend much time on the second, more involved routine, which includes creating their own music for the performance. This season, I was somewhat surprised.

Beat Freaks' Freak the Dream:::

MTV Shows

This just wasn't anywhere near the quality of some of there other stuff, even their earlier performance from the night. I was really disappointed with them tonight. I guess I just was expecting a lot more from them, especially after their ridiculous magic-routine.

Quest Crew's OrQUESTra:::

MTV Shows

They're performance was probably the best of the final performances that I've seen out of any of the three seasons. That crazy push-flip thing that they did right at the end of the performance?! NUTZ!!

============================

Quest Crew all the way. They've definitely been one of my favorites since the beginning, but then again so had Beat Freaks. But after last night's episode, the clear winner should be Quest Crew. Will America vote smart? I mean, the presidential election turned out okay, right?

American Idol: Road to the Top 12 Results Week Two

Despite a bunch of rumors swirling that Paula and Kara were talking 'hind each others backs, everything seemed preeeetty hunky dory last night during the results show. And what a results show it was!

After watching Wednesday night's performance show, I was pretty convinced that a certain two people were definitely getting through - that being Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta. After their really great performances, they were shoe-ins, unless America really hates talent. Welp, thankfully America does enjoy talent and those two idol wannabes made it through to the top twelve. Yay!

As for the third contestant, I was almost positive it was going to be Megan Corkrey. She sang pretty well and has a fun, uniqueness about her. But, I was also kind of secretly hoping for Jasmine Murray or Kris Allen. Unfortch, Jassy didn't have all that great of a sing through. But Kris Allen really surprised me! We hadn't seen him at all in the previous rounds because the producers of AI like to shove other people down our throat instead Tati and dead wife, I'm looking in your over exposed direction.

And guess what, I was pleasantly surprised. After being let down by the pure stupidity of the American voting public last week, they definitely made up for it this week. Kris Allen made it through to the top 12. And with that, he's actually become my favorite of the dudes. It's still very early, and we only have half of the top 12, but he's just got the good looks and charm about him to possibly see some success. I'm also rooting for Allison simply because she sang Alone and I love that song.

So congrats to Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, and Allison Iraheta, a much better selection that last weeks. TEAM ANTI-GOKEY.

Operation 4th Hour of Today Facebook Comment On Air: Day 26

In this ongoing series, I recount my attempt to get my comments on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb's facebook page read on air during the daily discussion of their facebook page.

No.

I was kind of sidetracked today when 4th Hour was on so I didn't really make an attempt. But, from what I watched of the facebook section, I wouldn't have made it anyways because Sara Sage was reading the comments from a Word document which means they are ones she really liked and pulled from facebook. Plus, for the most part she only talked about how they were sorry that fans couldn't upload pics onto facebook anymore because they've reached their photo limit. Instead, they should just send them to their other site, KLGandHoda.

So, I kind of blew it this week. But what can you do? Always next week!! LULLRZ

Commericial of the Week

I've noticed that throughout the week while I watch hundreds of hours worth of television, I find myself always seeing a commercial or two that really sticks with me. Either through humor, cuteness, stupidity, or something else. So, I figured, why not try and bring my favorites to you...

This inaugural post features a commercial that I've really been loving for a couple of weeks now, and that's for a couple of reasons. First, the little girl starring in is kind of adorbs. Secondly, and more importantly, I love fish sticks more than any other frozen food. DE.LISH.US.

Mrs. Paul's Whole Fish Filet Fish Sticks


I just want to go and hug this little girl. She knows exactly what's up. There are so many varieties of fish sticks out there and the only time I can eat those janky kind is after a rough night out with a 40 of Olde English or worse, Laser - wow, that's classy.

Early Morning Crap

^ This family from Supernanny is being investigated for child abuse, but I fail to see the problem. When a child is acting up, don't you smack that bitch up? [Buzzfeed]

- Lily van der Woodsen has almost been cast in the upcoming Gossip Girl spin-off. I'm perfectly fine with this chick taking the roll and I'm pumped to see her in '80s hots. [TV Guide]

- The Simpsons have been renewed for another two years which will make it the longest running

- Conan O'Brien had a huge night during his last night of hosting Light Night. It was his biggest audience since Jan 2005 and he kept 100% of the Tonight Show lead in. [Variety]

- With Pushing Daisies pushing diasies, what's next for the very special and unique Charlotte Charles? Apparently NOT television pilots. [Watch with Kristin]

- Jay Leno is getting grilled by the Writers Guild of America for being super sketchy with his monologue during the Writers Strike. And this is the man that's taking over the 10 o'clock spot on NBC. [TV Squad]

- The some TV Stations have already converted to digital ahead of schedule without too much fuss, there are those out there having problems. Like the 70 year old dude that shot his television. With his handgun. [Gizmodo]

- Some chick, who's probably dating another chick on Grey's Anatomy is staying on the show for a whileIjustdonotcareaboutthisshow... [Ausiello Files]

RAPED.

That's what Falcor has just experienced in the above picture. Yep, the Hollywood Rapes My Childhood train is full steam ahead. I honestly can't even believe that people are considering this. This is so far beyond hateful, words don't describe how much I say words don't describe... but this is one of those situations. BLERG.

The jerks behind that BENJAMIN BUTTON SH*T, Warner Bros, and some other childhood killers are in talks to get a remake of The Neverending Story started but with a modern twist. It's apparently going to take on some of the other crap that happened in the book it's based on that the original movie kinda didn't pay attention to.

Honestly, this is dumb. Just dumb. It's crossing a line that I never thought would be crossed. It's a line that I just wanted to pretend Hollywood had never noticed and figured nothing would ever come of it. WAY WRONG. Hollywood has been eying that line for YEARS just waiting for the right opportunity to destroy any remainder of said line. I'm just heartbroken. And what can I even do about it other than bend over and wait for them to announce they aren't going to use the original song. Instead, Hannah Montana wrote a new song that will premiere on her show before the movie launches. Yay memories...

WTF of the Day

I need someone to explain to me right now what in the hell is going on with this video. It's Jamie Foxx's new video for his song Blame it (On the Alcohol). It starts off generic R&B artist enough, but quickly, QUICKLY takes a remarkably random turn...



RON "OLD AS RON HOWARD" HOWARD? I need help with this one...

[WTFotD via Videogum]

Real World: The Girls are Dirty _________ (Use Your Imagination)

Cripes. When this whole season started turning into a bunch of bickering dong bags a few weeks ago, I was kind of siding with the girls. I don't really know why and I feel ashamed that I was feeling that way. It might have been because I kind of thought the dudes were a bunch of jerks. I mean, the whole rat in the bed thing was pretty assholey - even if the girls were too brain dead to figure out that it was a domesticated rat.

Weeeeeell, all that has completely changed since watching last night's episode. I honestly don't know if I watched last weeks episode, so I don't know if there was more leading up to this, so just prefacing that for my upcoming judgments. But I personally feel that no amount of back story or catch up is needed when passing judgment on all of these turds. There lives were up for judgment the moment they auditioned/sentinatape/attendedacastingcall for this show.

With all that jazz being said...

Read more after the break!


THESE GIRLS ARE A BUNCH OF SELFISH, F***ING DUMBASS, LAZY C-WORDS.

Two of my really huge, unnecessarily large pet peeves, is laziness when it comes to keeping your house/apartment/livingarea clean AND girls that never think they're wrong and argue until you basically slam something through a glass table top. And what do you know, these girls seem to be a disgusting combination of both of those traits. AWESOME...

I just can't seem to understand how some people are completely content with living in their own disgusting food waste and trash. Not doing the dishes for days or weeks until it's so bad that the kitchen either smells from crusted, moldy food in the sink or trashcans or they have no clean dishes left on which to feed their pieholes. What is so hard about running the dishwasher or at the veeeeery least, cleaning what stupid plate/bowl/glass you just dirtied right there on the spot? Is your precious time that precious that you absolutely cannot spare the 43 seconds it's going to take you to do that? Then you're f***ing sick.

Also, I know that this show has had the literal shit edited out of it, but even so, there is some measly morsels of truth in these episodes. Which leads me to point out that though JD's entirely extreme measure of slamming whatever the hell that thing was through the table top was great for drama and build up, but ultimately pointless, some of that anger has to be coming from somewhere. Certainly the guys didn't handle the whole situation in the best way, ie: hiding car keys, screaming and yelling, etc. but at what length of explaining do you have to go through until it escalates to something of that nature simply because the girls can't be courteous about those they are living with?

I mean, once JD went to the ridic extreme of table smashing, Sara, Baya, and Devyn were suddenly able to understand the concerns and issues that the dudes have. It was like they mysteriously, instantaneously grew f***ing brains. I'm glad that some of that sh*t was taken care of and that the girls agreed to start taking care of some things.

EXCEPT FOR KATELYNN. WHAT IN THE DUMB B*TCH TRANNY HELL IS WRONG WITH HER?! Why she has to cop a GDamn attitude when anything is brought to her attention is beyond me. Who raised her? And better yet, how did she grow up without some sort of concern for those around her? She's the type of self-conscience but b*tch on the outside kind of person that I cannot stand to be around. Sure it's fine to acknowledge that not everyone is going to get along in the house, but in no way does that mean that she can prance around the damn place as if she's the only one living there. And when someone asks you nicely to do something, why don't you take a f***ing minute out of your day to consider why they might be asking you to do that. WERST.ROOMMATE.

==================================

I don't know what it was with this episode that set off some sort of personal vendetta against the girls, but it's there and it probably won't change now. I'm entirely on the TEAM GUYS for the house. The girls can go be catty with themselves.

Also, you can watch the whole episode below. If you disagree with me after watching it, then you're still wrong.

Real World: Brooklyn - MTV Shows

American Idol: Road to the Top 12 (WEEK TWOSIES)

Last night was the second round of eliminations to whittle down the top 36 down to the top 12. It was a bad night to say the least. Pretty much everyone sucked it up with the wrong song choice, but there were a few bright spots. I took some notes in notepad, what am I? and decided that I'm too lazy to turn it into a full fledged post, so I'm just gonna post what I wrote last night.

I apologize ahead of time if things sound... mmmmmlike a 12 year old girl wrote it. Whatevs OMFG, TTYL...

Jasmine Murray: "Love Song" I like her. Definitely real pitchy. I would like to see her go on. Incredibly disappointed she didn't do very well. That was kind of a sad moment for me.


Matt Giraud: "Viva La Vida" DO NOT WANT

READ ABOUT THE OTHER TEN AFTER THE JUUUUUUUUMP...




Janine Vailes: "This Love" Mehzies. Off tune most of the song. Nice legs, that's all the judges liked.


Nick, Normal Gentle: "I Am Telling You"Hilarious. He's definitely grown on me. Bad singing, but funny. Called out NPH in the audience!


Allison Iraheta: "Alone" LOVED. Lordy, when ladies sing Alone, I crumble.


Kris Allen: "Man in the Mirror" Where has this dude been? I really like him even if he's not the greatest singer in the knife box. Judges were kinda blargy blarg.


Megan Corkrey: "Put Your Records On" She's interesting. Kinda like her. Judges pretty much liked her as well.


Matt Breitzke: "Tonic" Welder. Blah. Judges say bad song. Theme of the night...


Jesse Langseth: "Bette Davis Eyes" LOVE THE SONG. Red head that I can NEVER remember. Twas okay. Forgettable says Simon. QUIT TALKING BACK TO THE JUDGES WHORE.


Kai Kalama: "What Becomes of the Broken Hearten" I have never really liked him all that much. His mom has the cancers. Mleg.


Mishavonna Henson: "Drops of JupiteR" Very distinctive voice. Pretty boring performance if I do say so myself. Hate her song. HATE HATe haaTEEEE. Judges were blarg over it.


Adam Lambert: "Satisfaction" Love this dude and I don't know why. Crazy dramatic performance, over the top, solid vocals, ridic range. Second fave of the night. Judges pretty pleased as well.

=================================

Who I Want:

1. Allison Iraheta
2. Adam Lambert
3. Megan Corkrey

Who I Wouldn't Mind as Wild Cards:

1. Kris Allen despite his name being spelled with a K
2. Jasmine Murray even though she sang kinda short bus-y

Nannerpus Makes My Life

I barely remember the original commercial from the Super Bowl because I was in a bar and it was hard to hear/watch/see the television, so when this regs commersh started playing fairly often on TV, I got excited because this commercial is genius. It's a banana with the peal cut into eight tentacles with googly eyes and a mustache. And on top of that, dare I say one of the catchiest original songs in a commercial since Britney Spears did that Pepsi ad?

And the damn thing is just too adorable. My favorite part is when is little eye pops off! I just want to delicately add some saliva to the back of that googly and stick it right back on his phallic, yellow head.

Operation 4th Hour of Today Facebook Comment On Air: Day 26

In this ongoing series, I recount my attempt to get my comments on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb's facebook page read on air during the daily discussion of their facebook page.

Once again, I'm all over being a loser. I feel like my luck has past and I'm destined to never have my comment read on air. Worst thing to ever happen to me? Probably. Well, that and the fact that I'm still unemployed, but that's something else entirely... enough with the Debbie Downers!

Anyway, while I cryingtomyselfthroughthisblogpost, during their opening discussion, the convo was going great and then took a surprising turn for the awkward/weird/milfy? when Kathie Lee told Hoda that she sleeps naked. Hoda was a little surprised, obvs, as were the rest of America. I didn't want to make one of the jokes that everyone on the internet was thinking at the time, so I went for something a little more... likely to get on television.

Welp, I think we've met our quota for "Too Much Personal Info About KLG" for the week, haha.

As yoozh, that didn't get read. Or even seen. Instead, Sara Sage talked about how people were having a hard time posting pictures. NORDS! Come on! And to rub not salt in my not wound, they gave away a prize today. It wasn't something I was interested in though, being a children's book from Jeff Foxworthy, so I didn't even try. Guh...

Early Morning Crap

^ Jack McBrayer responds to the internet's response to the Republican response to the Presidential address to Congress. It's uncanny. [NBC]

- Georgina's coming back to GG and in a kind of bizarre way that I'm not entirely sure that I'm thrilled with, but we'll see. [Watch with Kristin]

- In a move that I never thought possible, America's Next Top Model is getting gayer this season with a guest appearance from Clay Aiken. [Zap2It]

- Tracy Jordan and Jack are both set to get some new relatives popping up. Tracy's sounds just like the kind of awesome I love with his character. [Ausiello Files]

- How bad do you hate it when a network moves around one of your favorite shows, especially to a night with a bunch of other awesome television shows? Is that what is happening to Bones? [TV Squad]

- Jerry Seinfeld will be returning to television as an EP for a reality show on NBC that features a bunch of celebrities and comedians making fun of couples with marriage problems. [Variety]

- The very first person for the upcoming Melrose Place remassacre has been cast. I can't believe this is happening. [TV Guide]

- Hollywood's bastardization train keeps on keeping on with it's next stop set for Total Recall. Yep, three boobs is getting a remake. [EW]

My Poor Children...

I'm so ashamed, because after watching this video and laughing my frakking face off, I realized that this is exactly how my kids will turn out. I'm already fairly high strung and over emphatic with it comes to certain things read: everything . And sure enough, I can see that poor, poor, extremely over stimulated child as my very own one day. I'll be the parent getting up in the middle of the performance to make sure that I didn't dribble in my pants from holding in the laughter...



Also, my kids are gonna get the snot kicked out of them in school.

Real Housewives of OC

The plastic beasts of The Real Housewives of Orange County reunioned last night and boy did it get emotionless-face angry. Honestly, these weathered messes have so much crap injected into their faces that nothing happens when they get riled up. It's like watching a bunch of Nicole Kidmans fighting over the freshly spilled blood of a virgin.

Basically, Tamra my personal fave calls out Gretchen on the hunch/rumor/obvioustruth that Gretchen was really just being paid by her dead grandpa-lover, Jeff. Tamra launches into some ridiculous story that happened off camera or after the show stopped taping or whatever and paints a pretty sketchy picture of Gretchen and her man-chin.

Gretchen defends herself, but not very well. She basically just claims that nothing happened over, and over again and then tries to turn it all around on Tamra's tiny ass by claiming she's got some personal vendetta against her. This pisses off Tamra natch, and she yells "You're such a fucking victim, aren't you!" --AWESOME.

Unfortunately, none of the Orangina's faces EVER move. It's ultimately kind of terrifying, but that's what I've grown to expect from watching this lovely experience.

[via dlisted]

Operation 4th Hour of Today Facebook Comment On Air: Day 25

In this ongoing series, I recount my attempt to get my comments on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb's facebook page read on air during the daily discussion of their facebook page.

I'm just gonna go ahead and come out with it. I didn't even try today. But it was definitely not my fault. I received my new laptop in the mail earlier and I kinda got a little side tracked. Obvs. I mean really? Who wouldn't be thrilled over getting something awesome and new?! This has been the best day of my life because prior to this, I was using an old IBM R52 hooked up to an external LCD display with an S-Video cable there for making the resolution on the LCD as blurry as my vision after a rough night with the bottle.

Buuuuuut anyway, I'm soexcitedIcannotevenstandit, which means things might be a little slow today as I mess around with the funess of this new contraption sitting in my lap. ^__^

Early Morning Crap

^ Make sure you catch up on all your Basstalk before Gossip Girl returns on March 16th! [GMMR]

- FINALLY! Michael Cera has signed on to the Arrested Development movie! I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture. [Watch with Kristin]

- The CW got all excited and announced that they're renewing six shows, including Gossip Girl, Supernatural, ANTM, and 90210. I'm glad 9-0 is coming back, but still holding out that they'll axe that troll-face Annie. [Korbi TV]

- Andy Richter is coming back to Late Night to hang out with his old pal Conan! I would be excited if I wasn't already in bed when his new show comes on. [TV Guide]

- LL Cool J is set to star in the upcoming NCIS spin-off. I wish I was smart enough to make a joke about how smooth he is with the lades. Manwhore. [Variety]

- Adam Carolla has been tapped to star in a new CBS comedy about a driving instructor. I'm already beyond over this show. [TV Squad]

- Cripes. Meredith is probably gonna get another half sibling. But this one is gonna be a halfie from her mother's affair with the chief. Why do people still watch that show? Honestly, can someone tell me?! [Ausiello Files]

The City: The Past Catches Up

I have officially decided, that after last night's episode of The City and the trailer of the upcoming season of The Hills , that I am going to fully embrace both of these shows. Are they real? Are they good television? Do they focus on good, interesting characters? I honestly don't care about the answers to these questions even though each on is obvs answered with a two letter word beginning with an "n" and ending with an "o". It's MTV. I don't look to them for award winning television. I look to them for music. Since they don't do that anymore, I look to them for ridiculousness and absurdity. For shallow vapidity. For forced drama and fake reality.

Why do I care about the made up lives of Whitney, Erin, Lauren and her maybe soon to be re-friend Heidi? I couldn't tell you. All I can say is how entertained I am when I watch. A LOT. So, from now on, you can count me a member of Team The Hills/City.

Now that I'm done defending my poorchoiceinMTV'srealityshowsthatIwilllovefortherestoftime, you can read more about last night's episode of The City, AFTER THE BREAAAAAAAAK! Gimme them bright lights, long nights...



The City: The Past Catches Up
Season 1 | Episode 10

The City - MTV Shows

So all that happens in this episode is Whitney and crew head to Miami Beach. They get drunk. Jay sees his ex-girlfriend which gives Whitney the doubties. Adam flirts with a bunch of girls which makes Erin call Allie with the 'tails. Whitney and Jay = okay after a talk. Adam and Allie = not so much.

The Good:

- Whitney gives the b*tch please face to Jay's ex.

- Allie tells Adam she needs a little break because he's pretty much worst.boyfriend.ever material.

- I guess this goes in "The Good," Allie looks A LOTSO better with a bunch of makeup on. When she was talking to Erin before the opening credits, she looked terrifying! Meth-face chic!

- I like that Whitney calls out Jay. I don't know how I feel about him yet, but he needs put in his place from time to time.

- I like that Allie had fun with the new model dude. Adam's a toolio.

- The sheer amount of T&A that the editors put into the pool scene. Totally necessary, but totes awesome.

Meh, Just Gas:

- Meh, nothing?

The Crap:

- Those b*tches are so freaking skinny it's disgusting. Like, it made me want to vom a little. It makes me nervous. They're the kind of skinny that you'd see whatever they eat. Like a full slice of pizza just hanging in there abdomen.

- The City Aftershow. Those two wet tampons that host make my skin crawl.

- Whitney's couch is one of the most fugtacious pieces of furniture that I have ever laid eyes on. It's just awful.

Truly One of the World's Most Versatile Future Cars...

Bullsh*t. It doesn't even hover. Screw the outside door panel ice chest compartment. Eff the hidden tool kit and it's air compressor. Screw the removable picnic table with it's portable gas stove. And why the flying f*ck does it need two removable vacuum cleaners and a garden hose?! Make it hover. Then and only then is it the future.



P.S. - Why is the future from the late 80's/early 90's always depicted with the most sugary, neon, candy-coated colors? And secondly, why hasn't that color scheme been adopted yet? Apple minimalism can eat my ass.

[via Everything is Terrible]

Upcoming Season 5 Clip of The Hills

Here's another clip from the impending 5th season of The Hills. You can really get a sense of where they're going with this season...



... I apologize.

Kath & Kim: Competition

As with Earl yesterday, I didn't have a chance to watch Kath & Kim last Thursday until last night before I fell asleep. This episode focuses entirely around Kath's believed ex-husband, and father of Kim, Rusty Day, played wonderfully by Ron White. When Kath and Phil apply for their marriage license, a nasty revelation is well, revealed. Kath is still legally married to Rusty. Yikes.

The love birds tackle the problem from two angles, as Kath attempts to get Rusty, a roller derby owner, to sign new divorce papers, Phil sets off on a city hall crusade to prove to himself that the system isn't to blame and that old divorce filing is just misplaced somewhere.

Kim ends up taking an interest to the roller derby lifestyle that her mother used to Tiger Woods at. Craig ends up the b*tcth of the entire

Read more after the jump...



Kath & Kim: Competition
Season 1 | Episode 14



The Good:

- The idea that Kath used to be a hardcore roller derby queen that tore up the rink and beat the crap out of the other ladies on the floor. And the fact that she went by the name, Kath "Destruction" Day. Now that's a woman.

- Ron White does a nice just as William Gerard "Rusty" Day. I'm not typically a huge fan of Mr. White, but as the callous, jerk of an semi-ex-husband, he was pretty awesome. Especially his line about doing it in the bathroom stalls.

- Speaking of Rusty, we finally see where Kim gets her awful attitude. She's definitely a daddy's girl.

- Busy Philipps as the derby diva Whitney. I really kind of love Miss Philipps.

- The word derelictacious.

- "Phil Knight is not afraid to get his knee's dirty" - Phil Knight.

- Phil's blind faith in the government, especially the local city hall paper pushers. Plus his attempts to get the old divorce papers properly filed ultimately leading him to lose everything, including his poor little dignity

- Justine Timberskate, Kim's roller derby name. HAHAHAHA.

- Kim getting slammied by Whitney on the roller derby track.

- Kath getting revenge on Whitney for attacking her daughter. When Molly Shannon yells, I get excited.

Meh, Just Gas:

- Craig basically becoming the b*tch of the entire episode. I know that Kim usually takes advantage of him at any chance she gets and then some that's not really possible, but this was a bit much. He really needs a spine more often.

The Crap:

- I was disappointed that Kim didn't stick with Roller Derby a little more. I figured that if she got banged up, she'd get pissed at the other girls, but that was far from the case. It did allow for a nice return from Kath though, lol.

=============================

I love this show.

Heroes: Cold War

For an episode that was specifically billed as finding out just what the frakk is going on with HRG, we sure learned nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing because that's a lie. We that we still can't trust him either way and that the writers are kind of listening to fans and even having characters blatantly point out some of the complaints people have with the show in a joking sort of manner. That's great fun and all, but with all the self deprecating jokes aside, we still have no idea what to expect from HRG other than that he will continue to be a morally ambiguous character and the only person whom he really seems to trust is Mama Petrelli.

We did get some other information through this episode, though nothing earth shatteringly big or unpredictable. The question of who's really in charge continues to hang over our heads, but it even looks as though that will be revealed here fairly shortly.

Check out the best, words, and most boring parts of the episode after the jump...



Heroes: Cold War
Season 3 | Episode 17



Picking up from last week's eppy when Parkman, Suresh, and Peter drug and capture HRG, they waste no time probing for information on why in the hell they're being hunted. Using his mind-f*ck ability, Parkman drills into HRG's memories to find that he has been working for Nathan after Mama Petrelli closed up shop on Primatech.

This information unfortunately furthers tension within the renegade group until Peter volunteers to go and find the storage facility where HRG had stored all the information and supplies that he'd stored up over the years. This of course leads to The Hunter figuring out that the group is in Costa Verde because apparently no one cares about checking for security cameras when they're on the run. Further mind raping reveals that HRG had actually approached Suresh about Nathan's plan, but because of uncertainty, he refused to help or even talk about it. This made everyone grouchy pants again.

After another round in his head, Parkman discovers who's the main culprit hunting everyone, The Hunter, and sends Peter to go and take care of the situation. Peter ends up catching The Hunter at gunpoint and is inching towards shooting him when Nathan shows up with crazy messed up hair from apparently flying there durrr and tries to talk Peter down. He reveals that his men are closing in on Parkman and co. so he shoots The Hunter in the arm and peaces out through a window.

Back in Costa Verde, HRG confesses that Daphne is still alive and Matt just needs to check his mind to make sure. Suresh goes out to hold off the agents while Parkman mind screws HRG. They end up getting caught, but Peter comes to the rescue and saves both men. At the end of the episode, HRG and The Hunter have a little talk about preventing Nathan's cloudy, personal judgments from getting in the way of his decisions from now on. But then, the big reveal of the night, HRG is actually working for Angela Petrelli, because she's always in control. ALWAYS.

But wait! There's another much stupider reveal... At Isaac Mendez's old place, Matt paints the future to reveal he might be blowing up Washington D.C. I was not expecting this at all. I'll definitely give them that. Sadly, it's something I would have never expected because it's something that I don't want to happen. Why can't we move on?

The Good:

- There was no Claire, no Sylar, no Tracy... not that I don't like them, because I really, really do. But it's nice that they don't feel like they have to show us what each and every character is doing.

- HRG's dreams are in black and white. I don't know why I thought that was significant to mention, but I did.

- Finding out that HRG is more obsessed about just working for someone than anything else. Whether that be working to keep his family safe or working to round up the abilitied-people of the world. It doesn't necessarily make him an evil person, but it does make him an awful human being.

- Angela Petrelli. By far my favorite character. I love the idea of someone with such a passive power being in such a state of power. She's always plotting, always scheming, and always manipulating. I'd take her not-power of control over others over any other power on the show. She's awesome.

- I love the dynamic between The Hunter and HRG. They're both so similar though very different. Both are incredibly driven, but The Hunter has such a more sinister side to him. I feel that HRG is a much more dangerous character though because of his supposed good natured-ness. You never know what he's actually up to.

- I like seeing Nathan's plan just crumbling all around him. Like I said with Angela, someone with a somewhat weaker ability in a huge position of power. Unfortch for him, he doesn't seem to be able to handle his position nearly as well as his mother.

Meh, Just Gas:

- Learning the HRG can't be trusted. Obvs. This wouldn't be a big deal if NBC hadn't talked this episode up like we were going to learn EVERYTHING about him.

The Crap:

- Spending the first 8 minutes of the episode rehashing the drugging and capturing of HRG. If people are watching this episode, they most likely watched the previous one. And that's a big if.

- Matt Parkman's future painting of Washington D.C. in the midst of a big explosion. Painted on the floor just like the first season. Now, I know that fans and critics have wanted a "return to the 1st season glory" of the show, but this is a bit, um, how do I say f*cking inane.

==============================

I enjoyed this episode a lot. It brought the pacing of the show down a little from the previous couple of episodes which was a bit of a downer, but I'm sure it will be picking back up fingers crossed. What I wasn't thrilled about was the D.C. suicide bombing that Parkman apparently might be a part of. Aren't we done with the "blow up a city" storyline already?! Ugh...

Mother of the Year...

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

So Octomom and Grandoctomom had some beat ass argument about the ethical decisions that Nadya Suleman or Nadia Sulaiman as I was spelling it made when she chose to have more babies on top of the litter she already had. Radar Online taped the whole thing and now it's the scourge of the the internet and mainstream media.

Meredith Vieira interviewed the dude that was responsible for the interview on The Today Show earlier this morning and basically he tries to say that Nadya has a real solid argument for why she did a million more children. But after watching the clips from the video above, I can safely say because I'm an expert on all things the internet that anyone who wears a floppy top like that does not deserve to talk to her GILF of a mother like that. Unacceptable. She doesn't even let her mother talk, she just keeps yelling about how she wasn't going to let the embryos die because that would be hateful. She argues like a girls I knew in high school. Instead of coming up with a valid point, they just kept getting louder and more obnoxious until you got annoyed and yelled at them to which they would respond by getting defensive that you yelled. Idiots.

Apparently, this lip-wreck continues for 30 minutes or something. Why on earth anyone would want to listen to the whole thing is beyond me. It sounds like one of the overproduced confrontations between two whores on one of VH1's reality shows. Lips of Love 14!! GawwwdImsofulloffunny.

Operation 4th Hour of Today Facebook Comment On Air: Day 24

In this ongoing series, I recount my attempt to get my comments on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb's facebook page read on air during the daily discussion of their facebook page.

I'm kind of getting the feeling that I might never accomplish what I've set out to do. Maybe I'm just having a downer-day. It's hard to stay motivated to keep doing something over and over and over again with very little payoff I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Must be Recession Depression.

Anyway, today on the 4th Hour, Hoda and KLG talked about the launch of their new webiste, KLGandHoda.com and how it can be used to enter their new "Everyone Has a Story" contest which basically has people tell a story usually full of the sads and then someone sometimes kind of famousy sings them a song. The website also acts as a portal to some of their other segments and videos.

I thought it was pretty crazy that they were so up on the technology bandwagon, so I posted this comment on their wall...

Dang ladies, you're chugging right along on the technology train! First Facebook, now your own website, what's next your own twitter account?!

I'm impressed!

Instead of reading that obvious literary masterpiece, Sara Sage read comments about how awesome Mardi Gras is and why it's called Fat Tuesday. Couldn't they have just googled that during a break? I mean what a waste of valuable facebook time. Plus she didn't even get to do another update at the end of the show!? WTF IS THAT?!

Gaaaah, one of these daaaaay! ::shakes fist like a crazy::

Early Morning Crap

^ Okay, if I don't update this blog for the rest of the year today, you know what I'm doing. [urlesque]

- Tracy Morgan will be hosting Saturday Night Live on March 14th! Here's hoping for an Astronaut Jones, Brian Fellows, or Woodrow sketchs fingers crossed. [edubTV]

- Grey's Anatomy is gonna be on hiatus for a while, but when it returns, McDreamy is gonna throw a hissy fitty and quits. [TV Guide]

- Speaking of Grey's, I'm so sick and tired of hearing about what Izzie has that I really hope it's nothing and she actually stays on the show forever. [Watch with Kristin]

- Despite internet viewing, Americans watched more television than any other time. That comes as a surprise to absolutely no one that currently doesn't have a job. [Variety]

- America's Next Top Model is casting for cycle 13, but with the stipulation that contestants must be under 5'7". This new height limit just ensures that the tallest person on the show will ALWAYS be the craziest. [Zap2It]

- Nicollette Sheridan is already on her way out of Desperate Housewives, but who's up next to exit the show. Doesn't sound like any of the cougars are safe. [Ausiello Files]

OH.......EM.......GEEE............

The following video is quite possibly the greatest preview ever to grace the internet. It is a little tease for the upcoming 5th season of one of the most awesomest shows on television, THE HILLS. This preview is by far, the most intense looking season of any television show since Philo T. Farnsworth was on the scene.

And the thing is, I'm being absolutely series. This preview is EPIC EPIC. Like so beyond epic that the music towards the end felt like I was watching some sort of modern day retelling of a historical battle. I was waiting for Lauren to yell, "THIS IS FRIENDSHIP!" I'm gonna just let you watch it, because I have like 9 VAJILLION things to talk about!!!!!one1111!!exclamationpoint



HOT DAMN! So much betrayal! So much friendship re-get! So much of Spencer's flesh colored beard! sick So much awesome! I'm half expecting blogger to completely buckle under the sheer weight of all-consuming video. It's like starring into the center of a million Lo-shaped suns. Or Audrina's big fake breasts. I've never been more excited for any show ever. I keep talking in absolutes, but that's what this is. THE ABSOLUTE SHOW ON TELEVISION. THE TRUTH.

I'm watching it for a 37th time.


[via LA Times]

My Name is Earl: My Name is Alias

Since I didn't get a chance to watch My Name is Earl last Thursday and was obviously just too busy preparing for the Oscars all weekend to watch then, I just now got around to checking out the episode. This episode was special read: TOO AWESOME FOR HUMAN WORDS because Danny Glover guest starred as Darnell's father. His appearance helped bring the Darnell in Witness Protection Program story to a close - which was very welcomed.

Yes indeedy, we finally find out why in the heck Darnell was in the program in the first place as well as seeing the return of Joy and Darnell to the Camden trailer court thank God because this storyline was wearing thinzo.The whole ordeal takes a rather tiresome toll on Earl hint - he's drugged like a jillion times.

Hit up the jump to read more...



My Name is Earl: My Name is Alias
Season 5 | Episode 18

Darnell's father shows up to find his son and reveals to Earl that Darnell is actually a highly trained ex-secret agent. Earl then unknowingly leads Danny Glover right to where Darnell is hiding and after some tranquilizer darts and a funny fight scene, Danny Glover explains to Darnell that he can return to his regs life if he completes one more mission. So, Daddy drugs up Earl and drags him along as collateral to make sure that Crab Man does his duty.

The Good:

- Danny Glover natch. Though he's gotten older, he was definitely still the same old, rough voiced, action-y, grizzled black man I've grown to love. It was really awesome to see Mr. Glover again considering I couldn't even name the last thing I've seen him in. Glad he's still working...

- The writing for this episode was great! So many good jokes from the overall theme of Darnell being a secret agent to the little detail stuff like Randy's life sized doll versions of Earl and Darnell.

- The 24 inspired moments around the commercial break. I know it's been done a grillion times before, but it was such a fitting moment.

- The fight sequence between Darnell and his dad was pretty good. You could tell that Danny Glover didn't really move all that much because he, well probably couldn't. He did have one really good kick that just made me want him to yell, "I'M FIFTY!"

- Danny Glover's line about Uncle Sam being willing to forget what Darnell had done in the past and Darnell's question on whether Uncle Sam was the government or his father's weird brother that paid him to rub his feet! FOOT FETISH!

- Earl being drugged 45 different times concluding with him having facial tick side effect. Facial ticks make me laugh. Sorry people with turrets.

- I'm glad this storyline is over. It was fun while it lasted but it will be nice to have everyone back in Camden. The spread out cast made things a little slow.

Meh, Just Gas:

- The montage of Earl being drugged while Crab Man and Crab Dad completed some ridiculous mission went on for far too long. It could have been sped up just a little bit.

The Crap:

- Nothing that I can think of. Solid eppy.

================================

Fun episode, made even better with Danny Glover's great performance. This was an episode that I needed to get me back into the mood of Earl. It just seemed to be dragging a little bit over the last few weeks and I was losing some interest. Last Thursday's episode was the shot in the arm that the show needed, at least to keep me interested for a few more weeks.

And the Winners Are...

No, not the Oscars. Pushaw, that was so yesterday. Instead we have the Razzies! The worst of the worst. The crappiest of the crappiest. The Virtual Boy of video game consoles. And I'll give one biiiiig wonky eyed guess who swept the awards! Well, I'll also give you a stupid Mike Myers movie guess as well...

And the 29th Annual Razzie Award winners are...

Worst Picture:
The Love Guru

Worst Actor:
Mike Myers
The Love Guru

Worst Actress:
Paris Hilton
The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Supporting Actress:
Paris Hilton
Repo: A Genetic Opera

Worst Supporting Actor:
Pierce Brosnan
MAMMA MIA!

Worst Screen Couple:
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore
The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Prequel,Remake, Rip-off or Sequel
(Combined Category for 2008):
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll
1968: Tunnel Rats,
In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,
and Postal

Worst Screenplay:
The Love Guru
Written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy

Worst Career Achievement:
Uwe Boll

P.S. - SOMEONE PLEASE STOP UWE BOLL. Good Lord. I thought there was only so many terrible, sh*t show video game adaptation movies that one person can handle. I was sadly mistaken. If he goes anywhere near a Nintendo franchise, there will be hell to pay.

Operation 4th Hour of Today Facebook Comment On Air: Day 23

In this ongoing series, I recount my attempt to get my comments on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb's facebook page read on air during the daily discussion of their facebook page.

I don't really know what I was thinking this morning. For some reason, I guess because last night was the biggest night in Hollywood, I thought that that Hoda and KLG would be giving away some sort of prizes today on the 4th Hour. I was sadly mistaken.

So, instead of trying to get a comment read on air, I waited and waited and waited in anticipation of one of the show hosts, or Sara Sage to announce that by posting some random word on their facebook wall would win you some amazing prize, maybe Oscar themed. Like a swag bag.

EPIC WRONG.

This of course, made me basically waste an entire day. I mean, it's my own fault because I'm greedy and always like winning and hate when I don't win because I'm an incredibly sore loser. Watching others win is like watching someone steal money from me. AND I LOVE MONEY. MORE THAN I LOVE WINNING.

BuuutI'maloser, I'll try again tomorrow in hopes of completing this ridiculous goal.

Early Morning Crap

- This was by far the most bizarre moment from last night. Poor Jenny Aniston, she'll just never win. [Dlisted]

- Slumdog MILLO-NAIR won big at the Oscars last night, taking home 8 Academy Awards. It was made even more adorable by the fact that the children from the movie were there. [TV Guide]

- Some of the best and worst moments from last night's Academy Awards ceremony. IN PICTURES! [EW]

- The Screen Actors Guild has rejected the supposed final offer from the AMPTP over the weekend putting a rather big "UGHGGHGHGH" in the laps of EVERYONE. [Zap2It]

- Project Runway is still on hold until Lifetime and NBC can figure out what in the hell is going on with the rights of the show. It was originally supposed to air in JANUARY! [Variety]

- House and Cuddy might be doing it tonight on House. Probably not though. But maybe? [Watch with Kristin]

- The TV stations that switched over to Digital last week have experienced very few problems which makes me wonder why in the hell it needed pushed back to June in the first place. [TV Week]

- Joss Whedon fans around the world are probably clenching fists as it seems Dollhouse fell a little bit in the ratings this past Friday. [TV Squad]

This B*tch Wasn't Messing Around

Sophia Loren crawled out of a tanning bed somewhere and rode one of the horses of the Apocalypse to the Academy Awards and damn was she FIERCE. The hair, the dress, the skin tone, the EYEBROWS!!! This woman knows how to bring glamor.



She also was one of the hot ladies that helped present for the Best Actress category and she hit her lines with her hand on her hip like no one else. It was classity class. I want to be her my cougar.

2009 OSCAR LIVE BLOG

KEEP REFRESHING FOR UP TO THE DATE REACTIONS TO ALL OF THE STUPIDITY

*******************************************

12:00 - Welp, that seems to be it. A boring credit montage of upcoming movies as if we won't be bombarded to DEATH with commercials and previews of those movies starting, ummmmmmm YESTERDAY. Dumbs. Thanks for everyone that joined me on this adventure of humor, dull-ity, and overall SLUMDOG MILLO-NAIR jizz fest! I'm happy they won a lot of awards because that movie is just wonderful. Also, congrats to Kate Winslet's big nipples. It was a great and well deserved win for her. I'm really kind of bummed that Mickey Rourke didn't win though. I just want to give him a hug. Hope you all had a great time and have won a sh*t ton of moneeeees in your office polls! Go drink a bunch of water so you're not hungover face tomorrow at work!

11:56 - Thank God they kept that speech short. And Hugh Jackman wrapped it up very nicely. Short and sweet. I wish it would have been some super ridiculous musical number extravablingee, but what can ya do?

11:54 - SLUMDON MILLO-NAIR FOR BEST PICTURE!!! CONGRATS TO EVERYONE. And those kids are frakking adorbs!

11:52 - What a cool little montage of the best picture noms and movies with similar themes. I really actually enjoyed that. Congrats Oscars, that almost makes up for your crappy audio work.

11:49 - Grandpa Speilberg is on stage now to introduce the movies nominated for Best Picture. RECESSION BEARD!

11:48 - Aww, he gave a nice little shout out to Micky Rourke, "Mickey Rourke rises again, and he is my brother.". Can I say that Sean Penn gave shout out? Does he do that?

11:44 - Sean Penn wins Best Actor for MILK. I am actually a little surprised but not really. That doesn't make any sense. "You commie, homo loving sons of bitches," is how he opens his speech! Pretty awesome. He also makes reference to how he's pretty much a total jerk face as a real person.

11:38 - As with the ladies, they've got a pretty high caliber group of Oscar dudes up on stage!

11:35 - Kate admits that she couldn't believe being in a category with The Streepster. It was a very nice acceptance speech. Team pumped for her!

11:32 - KATE WINSLET!!!! BEST ACTRESS!!!! HER MONSTER DINNER PLATE NIPPOS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!

11:31 - GOOD GOD THERE IS SO MUCH BRONZE

11:26 - Well, after that riveting Best Actress Montage, they must be getting ready to, oh there they are... five ladies that won something years ago talking about people they will probably never talk to again...

11:21 - Danny Boyle wins Best Director for Slumdog MILLO-NAIR! Like the a millionaire in Oscar wins amiright?!

11:20 - Did Queen La run back stage and give her dress to Reese Withers!? IS THAT THE SAME DRESS?! THAT'S THE SAME DAMN DRESS!!! But Reese isn't a biggie...

11:19 - The president of The Academy is stepping down. He didn't speech. Grand.

11:13 - Also, I'm really glad that all these people we're supposed to be honoring was on a screen so far away that we couldn't read the damn name. Thanks to whatever dongbag is directing the Oscars this year.

11:11 - Queen Lesbot looks HUGE. Fug dress and all. And who knew that she sings?! I thought she just start in great movies!

11:06 - Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto presenting Departures for the Best Foreign film. What a bizarre combination. She's freaking GORGEOUS though. Also, these Asians make me want to give a hug to my landlord, even though she doesn't know that I'm actually living at the apartment. I have nice friends.

******READ THE REST AFTER THE JUMP*******

11:02 - Slumdog wins AGAIN for Best Song. For the dancing song!! It definitely deserved it, it was the most theatrical awesomeness of any of the movies this year. I've seen three Oscar films.

11:00 - THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE WHOLE TIME!!! The dance sequence from Slumdog Millo-NAIR!!!

10:58 - GABS on John Legend singing, "Hello Lionel Ritchie."

10:56 - GABS on the Slumdog dude singing in front of the red curtain with the lady dancers, "I feel like I'm watching The Lion King." Racist much?

10:55 - Woah, I might have fallen asleep just there. There was like music playing or something from the different movies that were nominated for Best Score. Slumdog Millo-NAIR won again. Someone needs to loosen up Alicia Keys' face please!

10:45 - Jerry Lewis just got a really nice little award for his work raising money for his Jerry's Kids Foundation. Claps all around. Not the STD

10:42 - My friend Gabs says as Eddie Murphy comes out on stage, "Ugh, go back to jail." INSTANT WIN.

10:37 - Film Editing also goes to Slumdog Millo-NAIR!

10:34 - Slumdog Millo-nair just won for Best Sound Mixing. Woohoo.

10:30 - And the Oscar for Sound Editing goes to NOT THE OSCARS, GOOD LORD WORST AUDIO JOB EVER The Dark Knight.

10:29 - First crier of the night? And it was a dude! What a vagina.

10:27 - I think Will Smith just made a joke about how he will never win an Academy Award. Also, Benji Button wins again but this time for best Visual Effects.

10:18 - Smile Pinki just won for best documentary short film. It's about a girl with a cleft lip in India born into an incredibly poor family. I'm very glad it won as I have a personal connection to that birth defect. Okay, enough with the sads.

10:17 - Man on a Wire just won for best documentary. And the winner dude balanced the Oscar on his chin! WIN!

10:14 - I'm glad Bill Maher is talking. You just read a lie.

10:12 - TEETH

10:10 - Kate Winslet just gave THE BEST concerned face ever.

10:08 - Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for the Joker in Batman. His father, mother, and sister are accepting the awards on his behalf.

10:07 - Michael Shannon looks like a cross between Dwight Schrute and Sloth from The Goonies.

10:04 - I'm preeeeetty much done with the whole honoring thy neighbor crap. Also, my friend Gabs is terribly upset with Philip's hat. It needs to go. Pronts.

10:02 - We are 2 hours down and 74 more to go. I'm willing to forgive the Oscars for Beyonce if they can pick it up and get done before the mint chocolate chip ice cream I'm eating gives me the runs.

9:56 - OH WAIT, RUINED AGAIN BY BEYONCE. AGAIN!!! AT LAST?! STOP SINGING THAT SONG!!!!

9:56 - Okay, the musical number was saved a little bit KAREN.

9:53 - I was so pumped for another musical number... UNTIL BE-FUCKING-YONCE CAME OUT. GIVE IT A REST. I officially hate these Oscars.

9:46 - Splegzubsanabundt just won best live action short film. CONGRATS. I have no idea what the hell that was.

9:43 - I think I might be over Judd Apatow and films and this short is kinda meh-ing me over.

9:39 - Jessica Biel's dress was cut from the curtains she's standing in front of. Her entire speech was also incredibly pointless. Can't we just not read about that on the internet tomorrow morning?

9:35 - Is it a sign that Hollwood itself has even turned it's back on Joaquin Phoenix? Ben Stiller's beard was ferocious. Also, I kind of want to marry Natalie Portman every single day over and over again for the rest of my life.

9:32 - WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH THE AUDIO?! SOMEONE FIX THE DAMN MICROPHONES.

9:32 - Back from another commersh and OH YEAH! Hugh Jackman's in this.

9:27 - What in the f*cking Vampire raping hell is Twilight and High School Musical being included the Oscar love montage. NO NO NO NO NO. Pissed.

9:26 - GET HIM OFF THE STAGE. ROBERT PATTINSON RUINS LIVES. But, KAREN brings everything back together. SHE'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE OSCARS.

9:25 - The fatty that's accepting for Benji Butts for best make up is sooo over the whole sh*t.

9:21 - The Dutchess wins for best clothes. POOR FORM. Keira Knightly was in that movie and she's a wretch. Also, whoever the douche is accepting the award is a totes f*cknut.

9:17 - Benji Button just won for Art Direction. What does that even mean? Aaaaand, OMG ANGIE AND BRAD WERE SOOO FIGHTING OVER THIS! NO SEX FOR WEEKS.

9:16 - My Little Pony tripped on her way out. She's a hideous woman.

9:14 - COMMERSHIES! This is better than the Super Bowl!

9:10 - I feel like the Jenny An and Jack Black was super dumb. Also, some French animated feature won and some Japanese dude accepted. That seems not real.

9:08 - VICTORY! WALL-E wins best Animated Feature!!

9:06 - As far as I'm concerned, the only animated feature that's been released this year was WALL-E. If it doesn't not collect, I'm boycotting entertainment.

9:04 - TAKE THAT DREAMWORKS! Jack Black says so.

9:04 - Jenny An, I am not all that excited about your hair right now.

9:01 - Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Slumdog Millionaire. That's grand! I hope they bring the cast up to dance! That was what it was about right? Those dancers during the credits?

9:00 - Can Tina and Steve just continue on reading off everyone's nominations? It'll be a thousand times more awesomer than watching old people ratchet off scripted garbage about the nominees.

8:57 - Congrats to Milk for the Best Screenplay win. My friend had WALL-E for her office pool. LOSER!

8:55 - SCIENTOLOGY SLAM FROM TINA FEY. EPIC SUPER WIN!

8:54 - TINA FEY. She's rocking a side pony! Her and Steve Martin's little diddy is pretty cute. I'm loving my Fey.

8:51 - Alrighty, we've made it safely to the first commercial! Congrats everyone. I hope that you're all enjoying yourself. The gay-lebration that was the opening was awesome. The new way they introduce the nominees, kind of a Debbie Downer.

8:48 - First Oscar of the night, Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress!! Congrats Pene! Go motorboat Salma when you get home!!

8:45 - Whoopi just called out SISTER ACT AND SISTER ACT II. SHE WINS THE NIGHT!!!

8:44 - Tilda Swinton is a scary ladyman. And Whoopi Goldberg is a scary mannylady.

8:42 - Was that the first EPIC FAIL of the night?! Awkward pause and a sllllooooowww curtain.

8:41 - Angelina was wearing a RING POP. I'm SURE of it.

8:39 - Welp, so far so good! That was an incredibly entertaining opening sequence for the Oscars and one of the better ones I can remember. Usually I'm sloshy by now though...

8:37 - THE READER DANCE SEQUENCE IS LIKE THE BIGGEST GAY DREAM EVER.

8:36 - I loved the tiny little baby doll arms on the final part of Benjamin Button song.

8:34 - Craigslist Dancers!!! High larious.

8:33 - I LOVE SONGS!

8:31 - HERE WE GO!!! FINALLY. OUR HOST, HUGH JACKMAN! Precious as a blingee peach.

8:26 - I don't know who this man is, or what he is responsible for, but I do not care at all. I want them to immediately go back to something that's more interesting... celebrities walking would be the obvious choice.

8:25 - Marissa Tomei dress looks like the side of an air conditioner.

8:23 - Richard Jenkins, it's so sad that you don't have a shot in hell to win. I'm sorry.

8:20 - MARYL STREEP: FLAWLESS. And her daughter's pretty hottie.

8:15 - Miley's dress looks like a seizure cascading off of her body.

8:14 - Robert Downy Jr? More like Robert Orangy Jr. amirite?

8:13 - Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens. No.

8:10 - The cast of Slumdog Millionaire is either incredibly sick and tired of being interviewed by annoying American fake-news channels or they're incredibly sick and tired of being interviewed by annoying American fake-news channels.

8:10 - VALENTINO, USE YOUR WORDS.

8:09 - Is it necessary for us to get a recap of all the famous Oscar dresses? Ugh...

8:06 - Frank Langella makes me laugh.

8:03 - Amy Adams has some crazy ass necklace on. It looks like a mosaic coaster my sister made for my mom when she was 8. My mom threw it away.

8:01 - Thanks for joining me on the first IMMP live blog of the Academy Awards. Keep refreshing and enjoy! For a list of the nominees, you can check here!