MTV MOVIE AWARDS LIVE BLOG!

Welp MTV, it's time for your annual irrelevant movie awards. And who is more excited other than me?! I've been out in the sun all day long. I'm sunburned. I've been drinking all day long. And I'm really, really full from about seven hundred burgers. Aaaand, I missed the season finale of The Hills so I'm kind of cranky because I really wanted to see Lauren Conrad get her ass handed to her by Kristin Cavallari. So, here we go turd bags!


9:00 - Slumdog Millionaire spoof into Twilight? Nice job Andy Samberg.

9:02 - Oh Taylor Swift, your so cool. Ugh... I hate that your famous.

9:03 - AZIZ ANSARI!!! LURVES IT!

9:04 - Ugh, Justin Timberlake? Srsly? OVERPLAYED! Though nice Motherlovers reference.

9:06 - That was a pretty decent intro. Plus, Andy's already done a fart joke and pointed out LEIGHTON MEESTER. THREE TIMES!! I want to mate her.

9:07 - OH MY FLIPPING GAWD! KEYBOARD CAT IS THE MUSIC TO CHASE OFF THE LONG SPEECH GIVERS!

9:09 - That was such a fantastic little rap number! Megan Fox, Dr. Drew, and Zac Efron!? It was like my dream foursome! Wait what?


9:10 - Outstanding Performance for a Female and the half the nominees are Disney Stars? Ugh... Congrats ASHLEY Tizdale. Oh, I'm glad that despite her terrible nose job, she's still liked in the eyes of the tweens.

HIT THE JUMP FOR THE REST OF THE LIVE BLOG!


9:12 - Megan Fox looks sooooo over this whole thing. And some dude just shouted "I love you Michael Bay!" Oh, they're probably a plant.

9:14 - The sneak peek of Transformers 2 made me jizz in my pants a little. I don't care if there's no storyline, that sh*t's got EXPLOSIONS!

9:21 - Shia LaBeouf giving the award for Best Fight. Okay?

9:22 - WINNER FOR BEST FIGHT IS... those dudes from Twilight. Good one tweens. RPattz sounds like a broken ceiling fan.

9:25 - Ugh, come on Eminem? Every single song I hear of his sounds exactly the same. It's like listening to the white, broke ass gangsta version of Danny Gokey.

9:28 - This performance is already 3 minutes too long.

9:29 - Wait, there's a new trailer for the Harry Potter movie?! Cripes, I'm there.

9:33 - What is this amazing "Cool Guys" song?! I love that Andy Samberg is doing so many freaking musical numbers. Oh Will Ferrell doing Neil Diamond singing about cool guys walking away in front of huge explosions featuring DJ Abrams.

9:35 - This is already about a thousand times more entertaining that Eminem's performance.

9:37 - Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens and a joke about a Disney pubic hair test... HILARIOUS on so many accounts. Mainly because we saw V-Hudgs' bush on the INTERNETS!

9:38 - RPattz won for Breakthrough Performance for a male. OH SURPRISE! Did just made a really stupid joke about stuff coming out of his pants. Was that British? I'm also pretty sure that he just said he was a terrible actor claiming that he was glad someone cast him when he was completely unemployable.

9:45 - Bruno just flew in in full up Angel getup and then dropped into the crowd right on top of Eminem with his ass in his face. Eminem got pissed and up and LEFT THAT PLACE! HILARIOUS! Was that even planned? Plus, randomly Zac Efron got the Best Male Performance award but no one else was mentioned as the nominee? THAT WAS BIZARRE.

P.S. - I love Bruno.

9:47 - EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW OF HARRY POTTER. I'M DYING. DYYYYYYING.

9:50 - Okay, so that preview was kinda lame. But back to the Bruno thing. So I'm still unsure whether or not him dropping down from the air right onto Eminem was planned or not, but Eminem really did seem legitimately pissed, which is even better because it proves was a douche he really is. Can't take a joke lame ass? Unless it was all planned, which makes me kinda like him for being such a good sport about it.

9:55 - Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock giving out the award for Best Kiss. And the winner is Twilight again with RPattz and that soggy Twinky Kristen Stewart.

9:59 - RPattz and Kristen Stewart almost kissed. People went crazy. 30 year old women almost exploded EVERYWHERE.

10:00 - Jim Carey just got Andy Samberg to do Jizz in My Pants with LeAnn Rimes!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG AMAZING!

10:02 - Forrest Whitaker is singing DICK IN A BOX!!!!! This is the best performance I've ever seen on any award show ever. FULL ORCHESTRA AND CHOIR!!!

10:03 - Awww, when the audience was clapping, the Lonely Island boys were sitting there fake crying.

10:04 - Alright Hayden Panettiere, your little thing with the Big Pack guy from those stupid Orbit commercials was too long. But congrats to Amy Poehler for winning the WTF Award. Whatever that was.

10:06 - I wish Leighton Meester was my girlfriend. Her and Lil Wayne? Okay... Still, she's gorge. Presenting Best Song in a Movie to...

... Miley Cyrus for the Hannah Montana Movie. Yay horse gums!

10:10 - Exclusive Preview of Twilight New Moon turned out to be Andy Samberg in a Dracula costume and playing basketball against Teen Wolf.

10:14 - Why is there a bizarre Orbit commercial on that was reminiscent of Steve Zissou? What is going on?

10:16 - Twilight stars are coming out now to introduce an exclusive look at New Moon. For reals this time. Did you hear that? It's about 900 million tweens, lonely cat ladies, and fat girls exploding.

10:19 - Seriously?! That was it? Good Lawd this movie looks like sh*t. Sorry EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA.

10:20 - Ben Stiller is getting the Best Person Ever award, presented by Zac Efron, Triumph, and Keifer Sutherland. AWESOME!

10:24 - They just keep talking about how he looks like a monkey. And Keifer Sutherland is amazing! He's fake crying right now!

10:27 - Keifer Sutherland is LITERALLY STILL GOING ON ABOUT HOW BEN STILLER IS A GOOD ACTOR. He's crying on the floor right now. Great commitment Keifer!

10:29 - Keifer is still crying. Crying on Ben's shoulder. He then had him plug 24!

10:30 - Andy and Akiva played a Sega Genesis game called Doubt where a priest beat up nuns. NICE.

10:31 - PS, confirmation on the fight earlier through twitter. It was real: TVGuideSeacrest says it was real: RT @RyanSeacrest If u saw the fight at mtv movie awards betwen eminem and "bruno" I am told it was real

10:35 - Abigail Breslin is adorable. Her and the other pug-nosed chick is making Adult film jokes as the get ready to present the Best Female Performance to...

...that dead faced Kristin Stewart. Stop thanking Stephanie Meyer. Just because she wrote a sh*tty book doesn't mean that she deserves any thanks. PS - NICE JOB DROPPING YOUR POPCORN TROPHY YA DUMB HO!

10:41 - No offense to Kings of Leon, because I do enjoy their music for the most part, but the MTV Movie Awards seems a little out of place for them to perform. I figured they'd stick to the CW shows that I watch on the regs.

10:47 - Kenny Powers and Will Ferrell just walked out on stage with white cats. Dead ones. Fake dead cats. They're presenting Best Comedic Performance to...

...Jim Carey. Anna Ferris faked getting pissed right when the camera panned to her. She's great.

10:51 - Jim Carey's doing some random voice over acceptance speech about him blanking during his speech. It's kinda lame, so watch the Bruno/Eminem thing before it gets yanked from YouTube.



10:52 - Ummmm, right before the commercial break, the announcer lady said that the Best Villain Award went to Heath Ledger which is totes fine not to have a real presentation for him, because, you know he's dead.

10:58 - Denzel Washington's daughter is kinda fug. Not to be hateful, buuuuuut...

10:59 - They presented the Best Movie of the Year Award to the Twilight movie. The director lady looks like a toucan. Also, I loved that they cut off the whole cast giving their thanks. Then Andy said Keyboard Cat would take us away. He didn't. What?!

I really bizarre ending to a really bizarre show. Good enough for me I guess. I will say that Andy Samberg did a great job. I mean, it's not like it's a legitimate award show, but whatevs. At least the show was fun. Hope you all enjoyed the live blog. I'm outta hear like spoutta beer.

America's Favorite Cat Lady Lost

How can this be? What is wrong with you Great Britain?! Last night, Susan Boyle, the woman that quickly captured the entire world's cold-dead hearts with her cat-lady good looks, her caterpillar eyebrows, and weird-grandma personality, lost the title of most talented person in Great Britain to a group of dancers called Diversity what an original name.

How could this happen you ask!? I have no flipping clue, especially after watching Diversity's final performance. Come one Britain. I've seen more entertaining dance routines from the losers of America's Best Dance Crew. I hope that GB realizes what they've done because I'm pretty sure that the USA is going to declare war on GB for not choosing the only person that absolutely deserved that title. I don't care what Simon said about Diversity being the only group he'd give a 10 and that they were "sheer and utter perfection." SUSAN BOYLE IS AMERICA'S SINGING CAT WOMAN! Send her over here, we'll treat her just like the famous no one that she really is.

Here's Diversity looking like a low-rent Quest Crew. I'm calling for a recount.



[via EW]

VOTE for Commercial of the Month - MAY EDITION

I've been kinda super not great with Commercials of the Week for May and I want to apologize for that. My Friday's had been really stupidly busy the last few weeks so this little guy kinda suffered. So, I'm here to make it up to you. Since yesterday was the last Friday of the month of May, I've got four new commercials all lined up and ready for you to go for you. Then, along with the one and only commercial of the week that I actually did for May, you can all vote for which you thought was deserves to be COMMERCIAL OF THE MONTH!

First up is The Bumpits:


Why it was CotW: Because there is no easier way to look like a daytime hooker with a hasn't washed her hair in a few weeks. The Bumpit makes sure that you can take that rats next on your head and turn it into the glamorous destination for your dates jizz.

The Christian Bale Pac-Man Cereal Commercial:


Why it was should have been CotW: Because we get to see Christian Bale long before the days of rants and remixes, we got to see the little boy that would grow up to steal our hearts in Newsies. It also lets us remember one of the most deservedly forgotten cereals of all time. A shocking pink bow? Shut up bunny hop singers.

The Shave Your Junk Gillette Commercial:


Why it was should have been CotW: Because every guy should know how to shave his junk. You know, because that's the thing that all cool guys do, trimming the "bush to make the tree look taller." Seriously Gillete, you almost lost a customer after I watched that, but I had a life altering experience with Schick and I won't be going back there anytime soon. So you're lucky, because next time I have to watch that animated douche nozzle doing anything, I'm growing a beard.

Don't Go To Bed Before The King Commercial:


Why it was should have been CotW: Because like his Square Butt cousin, The King has a way of making me laugh no matter how stupid his commercial may be. I love The King and all his antics and I don't care how terrifying his manic, Joker-smile is. It's endearing in that homicidal sort of way. I want to meet him.

The Wearable Towel Commercial:


Why it was should have been CotW: I'm throwing up. I've had a hard time dealing with the fact that people actually have purchased Slankets/Snuggies considering it's the dumbest idea I've ever seen. But then some turd takes it one step further and creates the wearable towel. First off, towels are not fashion statements. Secondly, why is it the manly thing to wear it like a toga? Chicks can't wear it like a toga? That's sexist. Thirdly, THIS IS F***ING RETARDED. And fourthly, if I ever see anyone wearing one of these, I'm hitting them with a car.

----------------------------------------------

Welp, you know the drill. Watch the commercials, decide on your favorite, then let us all know by voting in the at the top of the sidebar on the right! Voting ends on Wednesday night at midnight and results for COMMERCIAL OF THE MONTH OF MAY will be posted on Thursday.

Weekend Dump

^ How do you purchase a baby anteater? ADORABLE. :55 mark is treacherous though. [BuzzFeed]

- Andy Samberg was trying to get Susan Boyle for the MTV Movie Awards this Sunday. Unfortunately the world's favorite singing cat lady wasn't available. [TV Guide]

- ABC has put Better Off Ted back on the air. It also took Surviving Suburbia off after it did worse than a CW show at it's new Wednesday 9:30 p.m. time slot. [Variety]

- Phil Spector has been sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for the murder of Lana Clarkson. [Zap2It]

- The Pennsylvania Department of Labor and Industry is investing Jon and Kate Gosselin and TLC to see if they are violating child labor laws. Really? You're just now worrying about that PA? [EW]

- Never watched Chuck? Well, if you appreciate good television, then you should start. Like on June 1st at 9 p.m. Chuck Me Mondays! [ChuckTV.net]

- YouTube is getting a little more lenient when it comes to it's terms to try and win over more of the networks as it's competitor Hulu picks up more and more steam. [TV Week]

Janice Dickinson Falls Down the Stairs and Yells at Models From Finland Because She's the World's First Supermodel

Janice Dickinson made an appearance on Finland's Next Top Model in her usual abrasive state. And by abrasive I mean hopped up on pills and bottles upon bottles of wine. JD showed up to visit the wannabe models and ended up making a huge scene after she first acted like a jacked up, angry marmoset. The world's worst first supermodel kept talking in a bizarre accent as if the girls were special-need and it was the only way to communicate with them. She also called one girl ugly, as a joke, and the passed it off that it was an American joke. This woman is the joke.

After she made a fool of herself, Janice randomly got up and went to walk down the stairs - which apparently proved to be too much for her. Though you don't necessarily get to see the actual Janice+stairs=comedy moment, you do get to see all the models reacting... PRICELESS. JD then proceeds to yell at all the girls for being idiots and stupid and that she needs and ambulance because her "leg doesn't work." So articulate that melty-faced troll. Fast forward to the 2:40 mark for the goods if you're lazy.

Later in the episode, Janice admits that she was sorry and that she happened to take a "sleeping aid" instead of a vitamin C tablet and then sucked on all the wine bottles like they were the fetus' that she normally gets her life blood from. Because you know how easy it is to mess up your vitamin regiment with your crack pipe and nose candy you've got lying around. Stupid whore.

Sorry For the Slowness...

Sorry for the complete LACK of anything today. I had to pick up a roommate from the airport this morning at around 6am which is earlier than I've been up in about three years. Luckily the airport is super close so I was home and back in bed by 7. Later, I had to head into NYC for something and then spent a good two hours visiting a couple of friends at their real jobs. It made me jealous.

Anyway, I'm back now. I might have to take a nap or maybe soak my feet in hot water, but things will start getting back to normal here shortly. Hope you all had days that were exciting.

I Can't Spell...

I've always been enamored with the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I'm pretty sure it's because I just can't spell. There's seriously something wrong with my inability to put together the letters of the English alphabet into words. Thankfully the Firefox auto-corrects for me, otherwise this entire post would be spelling incorrectly. I'm serious. Words are my worst enemy.

Anyway, check back here at 8:00 p.m. for my live-blog coverage of the National Spelling Bee that airs on ABC. It's sure to be a doozy. Plus, you'll probably catch some of my guesses on how the words could be spelled.

Alright people, Ol' Patty-boy just finished up denying someone some cash, so it's getting real close. The actual live blog will take place AFTER THE JUMP so that it doesn't take up so much freaking room. You know the drill, click recraps away down below and just keep up with the refresh button. Hope you're all watching it with me! I also hope someone has to spell the letter "h" - no lie, I saw it happen one time when I was watching it at my gma's house when I was like 13.



8:00 - Tom Bergeron is the host!? This just got so much more interesting.

8:01 - It's about hope? Seriously, I had to have firefox spell check that one for me.

8:03 - There's eleven finalists for this thing and I bet I can't spell a single one of their names.

8:03 - SIDHARTH CHAND IS 13 AND ALREADY HAS MORE FACIAL HAIR THAN I CAN GROW. WTF?!

8:04 - Avalement? OMG I FIGURED IT OUT!

8:05 - Thanks to my many years of French, I figured that one out before it was even put up on the screen.

8:05 - WHAT THE FRENCH IS THIS GIRLS NAME?! There were like 18 different words happening when she introduced herself.

8:07 - Alright Serena-Four-Names, shut the hell up. No one cares that you read Twilight in 3 hours. NERD!

8:09 - Kyle Mou. I bet every single word he has to spell tonight is longer than his entire name. I want him to win.

8:11 - Welp, it hasn't even been 15 minutes yet and I'm already feeling so horrible about myself and my lack of intelligence. Diepnosophist? SERIOUSLY?!

8:13 - Kennyi - this kid is a jock. He probably hangs all the hot ladies. But can he spell?

8:16 - Kennyi is totes the dude I want to win. He's a badass.

8:17 - Hydragyrum, ughh... This is not right.

8:18 - Seriously Sidharth Chand - if you win I'm going to be pissed.

8:22 - OMG A MUSICAL NUMBER about the rules of the Spelling Bee!!! Did a girl just crank that soulja boy?!

8:23 - Oh poor Tussah, you're so nervous and I doubt you're gonna make it.

8:25 - And you failed. Of course herniorrhaphy has to r's in the middle.

8:26 - Whatever that girl's name was, she's pretty much hilarious. She's like "eff it" I don't know what the hell ophelimity is, let's just WING.IT.

8:27 - Kennyi is getting interviewed back stage! This kid is more interesting that the BRAIN DEAD blond that was interviewing him.

8:29 - Anamika, I commend you for your nice job on anasazi.

8:30 - Tim doesn't have friends. And what the FRENCH is Shawn Johnson doing there? She's a gymnast/dancer, not a speller?!

8:35 - Did Shawn Johnson have a red carpet event when she got there?

8:37 - geussioleptic sounds like the worst STD in the world.

8:38 - Sorry Serena, but you and your four names can go back to posting videos on YouTube while you discuss Twilight fanfic now.

8:39 - That little kid that just doesn't seem to give a sh*t about this thing might be my new favorite.

8:41 - Tagliatelle, you know pasta in the shape of noodles. WHAT?! Isn't all pasta in the shape of a noodle of some sort? Where do these words come from? How would you even use that one in a sentence?

8:46 - Come on Kennyi! Such the jokester!

8:48 - AWESOME! Nice job Kennyi. You kick ass.

8:51 - Kavya has to spell the word blancmange. THE "C" WASN'T PRONOUNCED! How do people know this crap?

8:52 - SIDHARTH! This kid is my nemesis.

8:53 - WAH WAH. SIDHARTH MISSED IT! And now he's crying.

EPIC FAIL

8:54 - Neetu is by far my favorite of the girls. She's so over this sh*t already. She said "DING" right after she spelled her word, knowing it was wrong. BEST.SPELLUR.EVAH!

8:58 - I love when they use the words in a sentence because whoever wrote this stuff knew that this show was probs the most boring thing in the world and needed livened up.

9:00 - Seriously Tim?! You have a mustache already too?! Come on. You and your femmy arms tell a different story.

9:06 - Kyle Mou's favorite part of competing is being on stage and he doesn't like spelling?! Dude, you're my hero.

9:08 - I'm pretty sure that this girl is spelling a villain in the Super Mario World -> Goombay.

9:09 - Kennyi is seriously going to take this thing! This kid is the star of the stage. I wonder if I can get an interview with him.

9:14 - Good job Kavya and your superb spelling of French words.

9:16 - Arrhostia also sounds like an STD.

9:18 - OF COURSE!!! Tim is a home schooled kid. Nothing against home schooled kids, but I tend to want to punch them.

9:22 - Ramya, nice job on getting that weird ass word correctly, but you have a MEAN set of chompers.

9:24 - NICE JOB KYLE! You keep on nailing your French! I so knew that word had to do with eyes. My high school French teacher would be so proud.

9:26 - I was seriously getting super nervous for that chick. Nice job on xebec because that can't be word.

9:27 - Kennyi is absolutely hilarious up there.

9:31 - Who names something huisache? I'm judging.

9:33 - OMG OMG OMG! This girl has to spell Neufchatel! I always thought it was pronounced nerf-er-shnertal! I'm not smart. But she is because she nailed it.

9:36 - I hate Tim. He's totes one of those kids that knows he's smart and acts like a lamewad the whenever he speaks to you about stuff.

9:40 - So this thing is only supposed to go until 10 o'clock and no one has missed a word since Sidharth ruined his own dreams. They best be dropping like flies her soon.

9:42 - amarevelle. Oh cripes I was way off: amarevole. Sorry Ramya, but you didn't do much better. ZING!

9:43 - This Kyle kid reminds me so much of an Asian friend that I have who's super smart at Math don't judge him. He's so smart and just does his thing while silently judging everyone around him.

9:45 - Is it just me or does Caerphilly sound like a deaf person trying to pronounce carefully?

9:46 - NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! KENNYI JUST GOT ELIMINATED ON A WORD THAT HAD MORE CONSONANTS IN ONE SECTION THAT I HAVE IN MY NAME! FRAAAUD!

9:48 - Ecossaise? Ugh, aren't the words supposed to get harder?

9:49 - Welp, it just did. What the French is fackeltanz. I'll fackeltanz you...

9:51 - I definitely want to give that girl a hug. She lost with dignity. That doesn't make sense.

9:52 - UUUUUGGHHH. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HOMESCHOOLED TIM, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TALK WITH A SLIGHT BRITISH ACCENT.

9:58 - EEEFFF, my main man Kyle just got out on some bunk ass word. Seriously people, this will be our new leader some day...

9:59 - wisent pronounced Vee-zent. Of course it's German. Nice job on getting that correct girl. I hope she wins.

10:01 - Seriously, this girl makes it look like she's been spelling words since the sperm met the egg.

10:02 - I HATE YOU TIM! STOP SPELLING WORDS CORRECTLY. This is like watching the kid in school who's the biggest douche in the world do well at something.

10:04 - NICE JOB AISHWARYA! You showed those judges and their vague answers!

10:05 - This girl and Aishwarya went to preschool together. That's adorbs.

10:06 - GET TIM OFF THE STAGE!

10:06 - DAMN IT!

10:08 - I feel like Aishwarya has the most friends out of the final three contestants.

10:09 - THANK YOU! Now if your bff Kavya can keep this up so you two can eliminate TIM!

10:11 - Nice Job Kavya. EFF YOU TIM!

10:12 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AISHWARYA!!!! Awww, don't cry grrrrl, you got this one next time. And maybe if they all miss it you'll be okay!

10:14 - Welp, sorry Aishwarya, you're not getting another chance, but your girl Kavya just nailed her word. P.S. - TIM DOENS'T ASK FOR A DEFINITION, HE JUST DEMANDS TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. UGH.

10:15 - YES! YES! YES! TIM JUST WENT DOWN!!!! Now Kavya just needs to get one right to take the title!

10:16 - LAODICEAN!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! CONGRATS KAVYA! YOU ARE THE 2009 NATIONAL SPELLING BEE CHAMP!!!


--------------------------------

Now that was riveting if I do say so myself. Thanks for joining me as we watched Kavya something-or-other take the title and deny that jerk-face Tim. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince THE VIDEO GAME

I hate that I want this game really bad. When watching the trailers for The Half Blood Prince game, it makes me nervous that I'm basically the male equivalent of those rabid Twilight Fans, the only difference being that I enjoy something that's not an entire pile of excrement. But seriously folks, how excited are you for this movie/game/experience? When I see the trailer for the game or for the movie it makes me want to go and reread the book. Ugh... I am a total fanboy. I guess at least I don't go writing passages from the books in the comments of blog posts featuring shirtless pictures of a total wet napkin.

Early Morning Crap

^ Will Schuester's show choir performance from 1993, one of five deleted scenes from the season premiere of Glee. [Ducky Does TV]

- Kris Allen basically dismissed the AT&T-gate questions during a recent interview. Well obvs, what's he supposed to say, "Oh yeah, I cheated..." Get over it people. [TV Guide]

- BRAVO has a new show this summer called Miami Social that unfortunately, sounds a lot like an adult version of The Hills. [Variety]

- John Lithgow has joined the upcoming season of Dexter as the Trinity Killer - a nickname given to him from his 3rd Rock From the Sun days. [Zap2It]

- There are still 3.1 million households across the country that are still not ready for the Digital TV transition. If they haven't remedied the situation by now, they don't deserve to watch TV. [TV Week]

- Summer Glau will probs be appearing on Dollhouse when it returns in the fall, but not as a doll. Joss Whedon said she would be "perfect" as an active. [Ausiello Files]

What the Cannibal Baby of the Day

Baby videos are a dime a dozen on the internet, but rarely do you find one that's as good as this one. I've never seen a baby act like this before, ever. I mean seriously, what is going on here!? When did this baby develop a taste for human flesh? Is this like when a rogue bear somehow eats a human and from then on it's hell bent on eating people for the rest of it's life until a mountain man shoots him? Are we going to have to shoot this baby? Is this the baby from Dawn of the Dead?!

Real Housewives of New Jersey JUST GOT REAL!

OH MY GAWD. Thank you so much internet for finding this. And thank you so much New Jersey for growing some of the most embarrassing examples of human beings out there. You truly no how to make them THE WORST! The above picture is a mug shot of Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but back when she was going by the name of Beverly Merrill. Remember during the preview of next week's episode at the end of the one last night, when the book "Cop Without a Gun" was mentioned? Yep, that's where this gorgeous picture came from.

The book is about Kevin Maher, a con man who ended up working for the New York Police Dept. as an informant and tells about his relationship with a stripper known as Beverly Merrill. And that's not even close to everything that Danielle has been hiding from the other housewives...

• she was a huge coke whore
• a drug dealer she was partying with kidnapped a rich kid, beat him, starved him, and called his father for a ransom.
• she was charged with kidnap, extortion, and possession
• with the help of Maher, she pleaded guilty for extortion and got 5 years probation
• she proclaimed to have sex with nearly a thousand different men
• when she started dating Kevin Maher, things were going fine, until he realized what a huge huge whore she was
• he stuck a gun in one of her other bf's crotches until he confessed to dating her at a Bennigans
  
• when Maher decided he wanted a kid, he figured that having one with a dick fiend/hoover vacuum/dancing queen wouldn't be the best idea
• after they broke up, Beverly had started dancing at a classy joint called Shakers in Carlstadt, NJ going by the name Danielle.

And I was hoping things were gonna get good. Welp, it looks like BRAVO just might have a new resident INSANE BITCH on their hands. I canNOT wait until that shebeast Caroline finds out all this information on the show. She'll totes call her mob friends in to take care of that coke whore.

[source NJ.com]

Daisy of Love: Episode 5 - So Many Idiots

So Daisy of Love is still on the air and I'm still very much enjoying it. And by enjoying it I mean that I can't eat or drink anything a half hour to an hour before I watch for fear of upchucking all over my television. On this week's episode, Daisy split the the guys that haven't bailed after seeing her melted face into two groups to do a photoshoot for the cover of her new single. And, as yoozh, the challenge ended with someone going home, but not really because Daisy chose to send them home. This show is a JOKE!

I also can't really understand how Daisy thinks things through. That's most likely because I wasn't a fetal alcohol syndrome baby, but whatevs. The teams ended up being 12 Pack, Big Rig, Chi Chi, and Cage versus Six Gauge, Sinister, Fox, and Flex. 12 Pack's team decided to do a photoshoot featuring Daisy in an old Hollywood/Marilyn Monroe-esque style with 12 Pack being the male model in the shoot. That basically ended up with 12 Pack making out with Janice the Muppet the entire time - which pissed off the rest of his team. But, there photoshoot resulted in a pretty good picture. Classy at least. Well, as classy as a whore can get...

Read more after the jump...


When Flex's team was up, they went for a punk/slut/hooker-style shoot with Flex being the "bouncer" in the background. Fox did makeup and hair because, of course, he's a hairstylist by day. He's also a tinge bit rere. Halfway through the shoot, he decided that he should be in on the shoot as well and ended up jumping right in.

When then photoshoots were over, Daisy ended up choosing Flex's teams picture despite 12 Pack's being the better picture because she's slow. No, I take that back. She's just plain dumb. Dropped on the head as an infant dumb. Paint chips were her only source of nourishment for her adolecense dumb. Was raised by a dumpster with three wheels dumb. That dumpster sure did her best though, I mean she only had three wheels.

To further the shame herself in front of her mother dumpster, Daisy chose Fox as the VIP for the challenge despite the fact that the only thing he actively contributed was when he told her she was pretty while applying her makeup. Whhhhhat? How does that make you a winner? Maybe he showed her how to cover up the collagen injection spots. During their VIP date together, Fox pretty much proved that he's about as smart as an unplugged straight iron with his inability to piece together a legitimate sentence during the entire date. BRAIN DEAD.

Later that night, while all the guys were having a grand ol' time drinking, wrestling, and hanging out in the hot tub in their tighty whities - you know, straight-up hetero stuff, a skunk SOMEHOW made it into the house. Seriously Vh1? Are you really going to try and make me believe that one of your producers didn't plant that skunk in the house to give you something interesting to shoot for once? You canNOT tell me that a real, straight from nature skunk would just wonder into giant house that's full of drunken, loudmouthed dick bags. You just can't. And even if you do tell me that, I won't believe you, because that's not how nature works. It just doesn't. So the fact that 12 Pack got sprayed in the face by the skunk doesn't even make me laugh, because he deserved it for attempting to cover a skunk with a trash can that could have easily been removed by calling an exterminator. Or, you know, NOT PUTTING A SKUNK IN THE HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. It's not our fault that you agreed to give Daisy a show before realizing that she has the personality of a moist-towelette.

The show ended with Daisy "sending" Cage home. Cage, a cage fighter, got up in Six Gauge's face, and when Flex pulled him away and put him in a sleeper hold, he flipped out and couldn't handle the idea that someone gave him such a cheep shot like that. So, after Cage suggested that him and Flex just fight it out, Daisy "decided" that he should probably just leave the house. So yet again, no one is eliminated, they just upped and left because they're a crazy. WINNERS ALL AROUND!

----------------------------

I know Vh1 doesn't the best in quality television, but even they should be ashamed of themselves for spreading stupidity around the world with this show. tsk tsk.

"Anchorman 2" Seems Like a Better Idea "Than Land of the Lost"

So it seems that Ron Burgundy and the gang will be returning to Channel 4 News for a sequel to the insanely quotable 2004 film. While promoting his current movie, Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell told some Australian radio show that he was going to be meeting with Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd sometime next week to discuss the possibilities read: salaries of having them come back for a sequel set in the 80's.

Now, I'm no Will Ferrell enthusiast, but I do respect the man and his ability to make anything so over exaggerated that it sometimes hurts. I will say though, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is easily my favorite of his movies - aaaand if handled with care and if Paul Rudd comes back that I could definitely see this one being another quote-goldmine. I'm assuming it will at the very least be better than Land of the Lost. That childhood memories destroyer looks like a wet diaper. How many zany situations can we put Will Ferrell in with a T-Rex?! GET IT?! THEY HAVE THE SAME INTELLIGENCE. COMEDY ABOUNDS!


Who am I kidding, you know Land of the Lost will make a grizillion dollars when it premieres.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: And the Rumors Begin

FIIIIIIIIINALLY. This location in The Real Housewives of... series has been pretty stupid thus far, which is a big shame considering it takes place in New Jersey. I was expecting the crazy/fighting/trashiness to be out in full force from the get go. I'll admit that trashy has been out from the start, but the rest was filled with crap about their spoiled, ugly children. But, the good stuff seems to be on the way! Yeah yeah, most of this episode was about their dumb children, but the last five minutes gave us the goods...

Teresa spent the entire episode running back and fourth between her home in Franklin Lakes, NJ and the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency in NYC for her daughter Gia. Gia didn't end up getting the role in the Dwayne Johnson film that she was auditioning for last week, so Teresa, being the obsessive, mid-forhead-hairlined, daughter pimp that she is, decided that Gia just had to be a model. This woman is the reason that TLC has OXYGEN have shows about pageant moms and dads. Making the whole process that much more live-vicariously-through-child's-lifey, Teresa had to get new pictures for Gia because the woman at Wilhelmina Models said her pictures were too pageanty and since Teresa is so adamant about making sure her daughter is FAMOUS, she paid another 800 bucks to get new pictures as soon as possible. Not only that, but for the photoshoot, Teresa brought EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING she could possibly fit in their monster SUV, all packed up tightly in the ugliest pink and leopard luggage I've ever seen. Wasn't she the one that said she wasn't the kind of woman that people pictured when they thought of a Jersey Girl? Riiiiiight...

Check out the other winners after the jump...


Caroline spent the episode pressuring her brain dead daughter Lauren into going to beauty school so that she could actually do something with her future. Lauren doesn't really want to go because she's only wants to do makeup and Caroline wants her to get a license in everything - including waxing - which Lauren does NOT want to do. I don't blame her though, I mean she lives a pretty comfortable lifestyle doing NOTHING with her life. Why change that up now? Since Caroline is such a bitchy buffalo, she made Lauren go and check out some prestigious school just to get an idea of what she'd be getting herself into. Bets on whether or not Lauren actually goes through with it? I'm guessing she drops out if she even goes at all...

Jacqueline continues to prove that she's the nicest one of the bunch and just might be a tad bit sane. She had to confront her daughter Ashley after Ashley failed to classes and was put on academic probation and was being forced to attend summer school. Later, you find out that Ashley started whining about it so her step-dad Dina and Caroline's brother bought her a brand new Jeep Cherokee. WTF!? If my parents bought me something new every time I was going through a hard time in my life, I don't think I'd even have to be looking for a job now. What a spoiled little bitch. Jacqueline doesn't seem like she's the most authoritative woman out of the bunch, so when she was complaining about her husbands gifting tactics to her sister-in-law Caroline, the angry butch almost started chiding her. Why is Caroline so angry all the time?!

Dina, speaking of angry men, complained the entire episode. THE.ENTIRE.TIME. She also bragged a little bit about how some high profile celebrity had contracted her to decorate their house. If it ends up looking anything like the garbage that's in her house, I'd fire her ass. Her house looks like Paula Deen's kitchen through-up in Alexis Arquette's design portfolio. It has to be the only house in the world where a giant shrine of the Virgin Mary is mixed in with rustic table lamps and hairless cats. This wo-MAN is out of her mind. She complains about how she's not really all that happy with being successful with her design/even planning/fuglification business now that it's doing well and she wishes she could spend more time with her rotten daughter before she's shipped off to Europe or something for the summer. SPARE ME THE DRAMATICS. And why you're at it, but a blanket for your nast cats. They make me throw up.

Danielle, the only one of the bunch that gives Kelly from New York a run for her money, really took the dramas to a new level last night. First off, she had a flipping BOTOX party at her house for all the ladies and ended up getting every thing on her face stuck with a needle. Dina decided to throw in a few lines about "wishing she was the one sticking the needle in her face" which really pissed off Danielle. So, the rift between the two ladies was opened back up. Good, we need some fighting. Later in the episode, Crazy Face barges in on Teresa and Jacqueline's play date to vent about her relationship with her 26 year old boyfriend. Instead of listening to advice that her friends gave, she instead takes offense to their opinions and decideds that she'll just do what she wants to do. After she finally leaves, Jacqueline and Teresa discuss some of the rumors flying around their circle of friends that includes Danielle being a husband stealing, golddigging, stripper!! SHE WAS A STRIPPER! FINALLY! I've have been waiting for one of these dumb broads to talk about her "exotic dancer" past. No wonder she's in such good shape... do you know the upper body strength you need to support yourself on a pole?!

---------------------------------

It appears that next week, the sh*t really hits the fan as the rumors come to the surface and Danielle finally catches wind of the putrid stench of her own past. I.CANNOT.WAIT.

My Mom is Gonna Be Crushed...

This is one of those amazing things in nature that you'd never expect to see but once you finally do you just sit their amazed at how totes awesome animals and insects really are. This mantis in West Chester, PA somehow managed to snatch a hummingbird up in it's spikey arm-like legs and impaled the little bird right through the chest while hanging upside down to eat the fleshy center.

My mom is kind of obsessed with hummingbirds and has feeders up all over our back yard. Every summer we always have tons of the little guys zipping around from feeder to feeder. She loves it. I'm pretty sure if she ever came across this site that her world would end.




[Bird Watchers Digest via @eleighdubs]

Play "Keyboard Gato" Off, Keyboard Cat

Keyboard Cat has seriously become one of my favorite internet meme's of recent months and I swear that they just keep getting better. I think it's his disgusted glare right before he's about to play someone off. Anyway, Keyboard Cat's Mexican equivalent, Keyboard Gato, attempted to jump in on on the fame and was met with some less than positive criticism from the original.

I can't stop laughing. Consider this your either really early or really late Friday Feline Find.


[via BuzzFeed]

Early Morning Crap

^ Real World Cancun looks like a of funI want to kill myself.

- The next iteration of BRAVO's bad mother series, Real Housewives is going to take place in Washington D.C. No word on if Cindy McCain's crazy face is being cast. [Variety]

- Jon & Kate Plus 8 premiered on Monday to nearly 10 million viewers setting records for cable networks and besting all the broadcast nets for the night. Just goes to show that America loves a bitch with bad hair. [Zap2It]

- Octo-Mel? More like Octo-Shut-the-hell-up. [TV Guide]

- Cartoon Network is planning to go a little cartoon free for a few hours a day which basically ruins the entire point of the network. [TV Squad]

- AT&T might have been responsible for helping Kris Allen win American Idol. I feel like this news is already in my don't care bin. [NY Times]

The Hills: Heidi's Real Father is a Cowboy

Last week on The Hills, two very awesome things happened. Neither of those things were Heidi and Spencer actually getting engaged, which goes to show just how much this show has no focus whatsoever. I'm sure that people out there that do really care about these horrible skin sacks were excited over the prospect of a flesh beard and facial plastic getting married, but funnier, more amazing things happened during the episode that we should really be focusing on.

First off, Heidi's father came to town to visit from Steamboat Springs, Colorado. And he's a cowboy. Like a real cowboy. Like a Heath Ledger/Jake Gyllenhaal kinda cowboy. Like a carhartt pants and an old-timey mustache kinda cowboy. Like the coolest person to ever be on an MTV show kinda cowboy. Anyway, Bill came to visit and Heidi was nervous because her bio-dad had never met any of her boyfriends before presumably because he doesn't love her and because Bill wasn't too thrilled about the Mexico/fake wedding thing.

Well, in a surprising turn of events, Spencer ends up hitting it off really well with Bill the Cowboy. Bill likes that Spencer sticks up for his daughter in the face of danger, danger being Stephanie's ex-boyfriend calling him out on flirting with other girls, and MTV goes as far as to make a not so veiled comparison of Spencer as a modern day cowboy fighting for his lady. It was so ridiculous that I couldn't even fault MTV for attempting it because it's probably the most legitimate attempt at story telling anyone involved with the show has ever done. Plus, we were treated to this scene in which Spencer asked Bill if he could marry his daughter while taking a stroll on the beach together. This seriously happened.


Later in the episode, Lauren finally pulls the trigger on Stephanie, sadly not a literal trigger because that would have meant that Lauren would have shot and killed Stephanie and then sent to jail for murder never to be seen again. After talking to Brody about having to fire her friend and Brody telling her "I told you so" because Brody is a soothsayer when it comes to Stephanie Pratt, Lauren decided she better just do the deed. So, at work, once Stephanie fiiiinally shows up, Lauren passes the buck and tells her that Goat Teeth Catrone can't have her working there anymore because she doesn't have time to train someone. Seriously Lauren, couldn't you have just told her she's about as smart as pre-cooked oatmeal and been done with it? Instead you had to tread lightly and promise you'd help her find another job? Spare us all your fake pity.

Obviously Stephanie cried in front of the entire office. Like she didn't see this coming? She barely did anything! Even for a fake internship it was grounds for firing. To vent her frustrations and attempt to make us worried that her and Lauren's friendship might be in danger, Stephanie went to talk to Heidi about the situation. But, she ended up being more worried about how the dude from the band that MTV was promoting that episode already had a girlfriend. Like whaaaa? How could a guy from a band be so deceptive and flirty like that? ZOMG. It's like he's in a band or something. What do you do when there's too much stupidity to go around?

The episode ended with Spencer taking Heidi to a ferris wheel and paying the Carnie a bj to stop their cart at the very top. While at the very top, overlooking the nighttime skyline, Spencer proposed to Heidi with a big, fugly, yellow-ish, costume jewelry ring that may have come from his grandmother's second from the bottom dresser drawer.
Honestly, what is it with this guy picking rings? There's no way something that huge can even be real unless it's made out of some of the leftover plastic that they couldn't fit into Heidi's face.

-------------------------------------------

Next week's episode, aka: tonight's episode delves a little further into Stephanie getting fired when she goes and talks to Goat Teeth Catrone at a party they both happen to be at. Stephanie is full of intelligence and good reasoning skills.

Early Morning Crap

^ Cripes, sometimes kids are just too adorable. Happy Mems Day! [BuzzFeed]

- America's other idol, Susan Boyle, has made it to the semi-finals on Britain's Got Talent after an equally enthralling rendition of Memory. [TV Guide]

- Looks like someone is trying to overcompensate for something. That something is his loss of manhood. [Zap2It]

- Simon Cowell claims he suffers from "black moods." When I read the headline, I thought it said "black moobs" and got confused when it started talking about depression. [TV Squad]

- One of my favorite little TV blogs shut down last night. I wish the writers plenty of success in the future. [edubTV]

- Major spoiler for the reboot of Melrose Place has already been revealed. Ugh, I hope I don't end up watching that damn show next season because it looks like uncooked bacon. [Ausiello Files]

- Sarah Chalke may or may not be returning to Scrubs next season. The fact that Scrubs is returning at all speaks for itself. [Watch with Kristin]

Tori & Dean - More Like Whorey & Spleen amirite?

I've never seen any episode of Tori & Dean in any of it's incarnations because, well Tori Spelling looks like a fish. But I have to admit that after watching the preview for Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood about a 35 or so different times, I'm a little intrigued. I don't know what it is, but something about this dang show has got me interested enough that I might check out the season premiere this Tuesday. Maybe it was Donna Martin's return to 90210 and the fact that her character was about the most interesting thing to happen on the show all season. Which is just about the same as saying this soggy piece of Chex Mix cereal is the most interesting thing floating in the sink drain.


Has anyone ever watched her show before? What can I expect if I do choose to tune in? Is it as terrible as it looks? Let me know in the comments...

The Muppets Take On Jimmy Fallon's Dance Challenge

Last week on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy challenged America to send in videos of themselves dancing to The Late Night - a song one of the writers of the show created. He was trying to create an internet dance sensation like Soulja Boy did with Crank That. Whoever sent in the most hilarious/retarded/outrageous video would be invited onto the show sometime this coming week to perform it on air.

Well, in addition to all the hundreds of idiots that most definitely sent in videos to try and make it on national television, a few very special creatures joined in the competition and sent in their own videos - complete with a remixed version of the song with a Mahnahmahnah sampling!



Check out Beaker, Bunsen and Animal after the jump!







Man I love the Muppets.

Scott Got Cut From the Idol Finale

In what I can only describe as the funniest news to come out of American Idol this season, Scott MacIntyre had a piano duet with Matt Giraud lined up for the finale where they would have sang Billy Joel's song, Tell Her About It, but the number got cut a few hours before the show when they found out that Billy Joel couldn't make it to the show to perform with them. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

According to Scott's MySpace blog, the performance "was the most exciting and memorable number of the entire Finale show." I'm sure it was good, but to be completely honest, Queen performed so...

Anyway, after lots of reflection, Scott claims that he doesn't have any idea as to why the producers would have cut the number, despite the fact that he said they cut it because Billy Joel wasn't coming.

Over the last few days I have tried to reason this out every way possible, and it makes no sense to me why one of the most compelling and unique performances of the show would be cut simply because the original artist wasn’t present. (Perhaps Tatiana and Bikini Girl were more important after all… :P) There will most likely not be another set of competent pianists on the show anytime soon, and this would have been an opportunity to make American Idol history.

Alright Scott, now you're getting a little Danny Gokey on us. Sure the number was probably pretty cool, because who doesn't like Billy Joel, and who doesn't like dueling pianos. But, to say that there will never be two people that play piano on American Idol again is a bit short sighted pun intended. I feel bad that you weren't really featured in the show, but at the same time, I don't care. Because if you were, then the damn show would have been two and half hours long. Sometimes, sh*t just doesn't go your way...

DEAL.

Charm School: The Race Card Already?!

Yeah, yeah the new episode is on tomorrow night, but I had to get this up that's what she said - which is gross considering some of the girls on this show. After last week's premiere where about a fourth of the cast went home, I didn't think that this episode would be able to measure up. Then I realized I should never, EVER discount the absolute class value of Charm School. It's called Charm School for a reason people and it's because only the most prestigious ladies from the bowls of VH1's reality shows are chosen to participate.

The challenge for the second episode saw the girls heading to the polluted Los Angeles River so that they could pick up trash and make a difference. Obviously, all the ladies started freaking out that they were gonna have to pick up trash, but seriously, that river looked like some Production Assistants for VH1 went earlier that morning and threw a bunch of stuff that they picked up from a yard sale into it. Plus, the whole thing was fenced off. It was terribly lame. Ricki divided the girls up into three teams and whichever did the best collecting crap, won a spot on the Dean's List. That team ended up being the green team which consisted of Bay Bay Bay, Bubbles, Natasha, and my girl Farrah.

The rest of the episode was filled with lots and lots of yelling. Ashley and Farrah locked Brittaney Star in a bathroom for an hour and half which was horribly mean but also hilarious because they started giving her hotdogs under the door. So, since the Rock of Love Bus girls were all being bitches towards Brittaney Star, the Real Chance of Love girls took her under their wings. On the crazy-ass flip side, the Rock of Love Bus girls adopted Bubbles because all the Real Chance of Love girls are loud-ass bitches. Once one jumps on the yell-at-Bubbles train, the rest join in automatically. It's disgusting. I hate Bay Bay Bay.

During detention, when the worst girls choose which three they want to be up for elimination, Ashley, Marcia, and Kiki are chosen for the bottom three. During their pleas to stay on the show, the Real Chance girls start ganging up on Marcia and Ashley and acting like a bunch of dumb bitches. So, lead by Farrah, the Rock of Love girls peace out. I don't blame them because if I had to listen to Bay Bay Bay talk for all day long I'd head to Antarctica and bury my damn head in the ice sheats.

After Ricki talks to the Rock of Love girls, they decide not to quit the show and come back for elimination. At that point, Ricki sends Kiki home because basically everyone in the house except for Bay Bay Bay and So Hood hate her and she hadn't really done anything to try and change. Well, that news didn't sit well with the Real Chance girls and they all stormed off saying they were quitting and throwing around the idea that Ricki only chose to save Ashley and Marcia because they were white. GOOD GAWD. No, the reason she sent Kiki home was because Kiki never shut the hell up and took every chance she had to yell and scream at everyone.

So Hood apparently goes bonkers on tomorrow night's episode, and here's the preview.


The show has basically come down to the drunks versus the annoying, loud ass skanks. I would much rather be around the drunks than the girls that just sit around and yell at anything and everything because they like hearing themselves. Send the Real Chance girls home.

P.S. - Farrah is like a flipping allstar on this show. Sure, the whole Brittaney Star in the bathroom thing was a low point, but this elegant lady sure knows how to work hard! Keep it up Farrah! You've got my vote girl. And your boobs are awesome.

P.P.S. - Nice braces Kiki.