The Foolhardy Manor

I would like to introduce, my new and improved improv/sketch team - The Foolhardy Manor. Previously The Supreme Court, we changed our name because of the obvious implications that go along with having the same name as the highest court in the land. With this name change comes an exciting new chapter in our groups life and hopefully one that will lead to a bright and funny future.

Our show from Friday night see previous post went surprisingly well. Thanks to all those randoms out there that came. Even if you were there to see that... interesting... two-prov team. We have another show coming up this Friday, so definitely check us out if you live in or around the NYC area!

Check out our facebook page for more infos!

The Supreme Court: TONIGHT!

Hey ladies and ladies, if you're bored and thirsty and like funny things, you should check out our show tonight at 7:00 p.m. at Otto's Shrunken Head! It's free! The Supreme Court soon to be renamed will be performing along with another improv group so and I'll be there, so you should come if you're in or around the NYC area! Plus it's a bar. So there's alcohol. WIN/WIN!

Early Morning Crap

• This dead ferret collector isn't as strange as the family I know that has a few of those freezers full of roadkill to let their children dissect. They're home schooled. Aaaand it all makes sense. [BuzzFeed]

• American Idol announced another guest judge - Kristin Chenoweth. I'm assuming next week they'll announce the long awaited appearance by Sally Jessy Raphael and Elmira from Tiny Toons. [Zap2It]

• A&E has acquired Lifetime and they're already planning two new shows. One is a gritty reality show following teen girls in a string of robberies, the other is a spinoff of Intervention called Motherhood. [Variety]

• NBC has pushed the season two premiere of Southland back by a month to allow more time to promote the show. Because just what NBC needs is confusion on when of it's good shows premieres. [TV Guide]

• Brandon Routh will appear on Chuck as the new man in charge. Sadly, no one will remember this news by the time March gets here and the season premieres. [TV Squad]

• Entertainment Weekly unveiled their Seinfeld cover with the words "They're Back" right in front, as if they've gone anywhere. Those reruns on EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL OF ALL TIME beg to differ. [EW]

• Naomi and Liam might be getting back together on 90210 sometime this season. Here's hoping they join forces with everyone else on the show and murder Annie. [Watch with Kristin]
  

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Tardy for the Party

I just finished watching Really broke Housewives of Atlanta and it was a snoozer of an episode. NeNe went with Lisa to go visit her dead brother and the rest of her family. It was kind of... interesting that her dad was basically an Asian stereotype - and the fact that NeNe was, without really saying it, making fun of him the entire time didn't make it any less awkward.

That other one with the imaginary fashion line auditioned a bunch of girls from the single mother home for prospective models and wasn't happy. But, I don't know if she's ever happy.

The redeeming aspect of the episode though was Kim and Kandi I feel like I made that name up talking about the possibilities of working together to produce Kim's future #1 single it's gonna happen Tardy for the Party. While we unfortunately were not treated to any of Kim's musical stylings Bravo was afraid of all the hearing loss lawsuits the single has already made it to YouTube.

Now you can listen to the Fall 2009 jam, Tardy for the Party all the time. That "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" that happens throughout? Just pretend it isn't there or embrace it for making the song less obnoxious.

And, for your enjoyment, I've typed up the lyrics to Tardy for the Party which you can read after the jump!



TARDY FOR THE PARTY

Don’t, don’t, don’t be tardy for the party.
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party.
Don’t be tardy for the party.
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party.

Hurry up baby don’t be late.
I’ll meet you at the place.
I’ve been waitin’ for this day.
It’s the weekend, let’s celebrate.
Looking like a cover girl,
Covered in diamonds and pearls.
Take the Benz out for a whirl.
Drop that top, yeah it’s my world.

Forget about work and the stress of the week.
Party all night and we won’t go to sleep.
We own the club, oh yeah we own the night.
And I am not leaving till I see daylight.

Don’t, don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)

I’ll be feeling good by now,
After my third glass of wine.
On the dance floor lookin’ fine,
All the boys tryin’ to get in line.
Headin’ back to VIP,
So tight that I can’t breathe.
I look good in this (I have no idea what she says here. Anyone?)
Sweat drippin’ all over me.

Forget about work, the stress of the week.
We’ll party all night and we won’t go to sleep.
We own the club, oh yeah we own the night.
And I am not leaving till I see daylight.

Don’t, don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy…

Let’s, let’s, let’s celebrate.
(Don’t, don’t be tardy)
Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s my world.
(Don’t, don’t be tardy)

Oooh Oooh.
Don’t, don’t be tardy
Let’s, let’s, let’s celebrate.

Forget about work and the stress of the week.
Party all night and we won’t go to sleep.
We own the club, oh yeah we own the night.
And I am not leaving till I see daylight.

Don’t, don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)
Don’t, don’t be tardy for the party. (Oooh Oooh)

Sign of the Robot Apocalypse #2199

I know that this friendly smile of a robot was built with the intentions of helping lift small patients to aid medical personnel. It reportedly can lift people up to 135 lbs and is covered in some sort material that is soft to the touch so that it's cold, sharp, and rigid exterior doesn't slice through the flesh of whatever human it's transporting.

Apparently, masking the robot's frightening and maneatish shell with an adorable Japanese teddy bear helps trick idiots children into thinking that being lifted by such a cute machine means there is nothing to fear. Little do they know, they're only a couple of circuitry malfunctions away from neck snaps and disembowelment. Especially if someone figures out how to combine it with this... we're done.


[via engadget]

I Never Thought 'The Oregon Trail' Could Be Ruined by Anything Other Than Dysentery

So, if someone can explain to me why white kids rapping about nostalgic/ironic things ever became popular is still popular, I'll give them a punch to the groin. Because if you know the answer then you have probably made one. Infallible logic from Doctor Matthew, M.D. in World Logistics right here. When I first saw the name of this here video, I was sucked into the historically accurate retelling of the Oregon Trail that children of the 80's/90's grew up playing on their Apple II's. Unfortunately, and rather predictably my fond memories of river crossing and bison shooting were destroyed within seconds of hitting that right facing arrow.

Now paging Sous-Chef Matthew for his cheesy music video recipe:

• 1 hastily made robot
• 3 turdfergs one being a little Cro-Magnon, or shall we say Homo-effedupteethicus
  
• 3 pairs of douchey too-big sunglasses
• 1 grandpa or first old folks home escapee that you see
• 1 handful of idiot friends
• 2 obscure celebrity references
• 1 boob reference that ends up becoming the entire basis of the song
• 1 friend who knows Garage Band
• 1 friend same? with working knowledge of editing software
• 4th grade rhyming ability
  
• infinite bad ideas

Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees terrible. Mix all ingredients. Set mixture aside. Crawl into oven. Die.

The VMAs are Happening Whether it's Britney Bitch or Not

MTV has been on the hype trainwreck for the last few weeks as they try and convince a bunch of Twitards that their award show is still about music videos. So, who better to demonstrate that it's us against the music than the epitome of vocals herself, Brit Brit! Throw her in a commercial with Russel Brand and you've got yourself a real winner. Especially if Russel is talking about having sex with her. Isn't he a sex addict or something? So is that his thing? Awkward sexual jokes with the internet's personal pussy-flasher from 2007? Topical.

I don't really get what the point of this commercial is. Are they trying to say Britney is going to be there? Is she going to perform? I mean, if she just shows up, that's pretty dull, considering she's coming to the close of arguably one of the biggest years of her life. Let the unnecessary speculation begin.

I will admit though, Britney does do a fairly believable job acting. Sure, she's just standing their in a bikini doing her own breathy voice over work. And by far, the best part was the end when she's stumbling around. I might have giggled. It might have been a fart though. This isn't your father's Crossroads.

There's also that other one, that Leighton Meester one after the jump.

MTV Shows

Birth Control

Condoms Schmondoms.

Don't Forget to Watch "How'd You Get So Rich?"

Tonight is another all new episode of How'd You Get So Rich? which, if you haven't seen it yet, is basically Joan Rivers meeting with a bunch of homegrown millionaires and making fun of them for getting so rich. It's not bad actually. Especially when you find out what ridiculously lame thing these people got rich from creating/selling/doing.

On tonight's episode, Joan talks with the dude that invented the 5-chamber bubble blower. You know, the one your grandma always had when you'd go and visit her. Ouu of control.



Joan also commented on the naysayers out there bad mouthing the show because it focuses on those living lavishly during the worst economic downturn since people started bartering. It's all about the fun! Check out that video after the break.

Early Morning Crap

• Ovary Overload of the day. [BuzzFeed]

• Neil Patrick Harris will be a guest judge on American Idol. Though technically not famous for anything music related, I bet his comments make more sense than Kara DioGuardi's. [Zap2It]

• La Toya Jackson is going to be guest-hosting the View in September which seems fitting in that lunatic with nothing but insanity to talk about sort of way. [TV Guide]

• Eliza Dushku says that this season of Dollhouse will be "racier and darker." Hopefully that translates into "better and easier to watch." [TV Squad]

• The Daytime Emmys have been saved and will air this Sunday night on The CW. I don't know how that's any better than not having an award ceremony at all. [Variety]

• Desperate Housewives might feature an abortion this season. I'm assuming it will be done tastefully as wire hangers seem a bit played out. [TV Fanatic]

• True Blood posted 5.3 million viewers on Sunday, its best yet. Other Nets are jealous they can't find a completely ridiculous and poorly written show to do as well. [Ausiello Files]

Mario Kart in Real Life

Mario Kart for the Super NES was the first game that my parents and siblings and I all played competitively with each other. And when I say competitively, I mean blood was drawn and tears were shed. I remember sitting in front of the television racing my dad and being ahead the entire race, with him in a fairly close second. As soon as he'd get a red turtle shell, he's save it until the very last lap, right before I reached the finish line and then NAIL me with it. Obviously, he'd take the lead and I'd be lucky to end up finishing higher than 4th.

This really pissed me off. He was brutal. And don't even get me started on my mom. Needless to say, the Mario Kart franchise is still something that brings on a lot of family time memories.

The faux-trailer above for a MK movie is pretty sweet and puts a pretty awesome spin on the idea. But, I'm not gonna lie, it kinda bothers me that it seems to be the original Super NES lineup on the character selection screen and they've replaced Koopa Troopa with Wario for story purposes /nerd.

It Took People Long Enough, But They've Proved Michael Jackson is Still Alive

Some dude posted a video on Live Leak claiming that it's footage of Michael Jackson, totally not dead, climbing out of the back of a coroner's van. I mean, that's pretty much all the proof that anyone would need right? Blair Witch footage of someone wearing a white shirt getting out of a nondescript van? I'm sold. I've also been drinking since 8:30 this morning so take that for what it's worth.

Don't Forget to Watch "Addicted to Beauty"

Have you been watching the trannyiest train wreck to ever train wreck into another train of trannies? I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda terrifying. It has nothing to do with what the show is about - something like a spa and a plastic surgeon combining businesses. No, it's scary because of the creatures that are actually employees in the show.

That one lady who looks like that veggie oil faced Korean woman is beastly and I'm pretty sure she lives off the blood of babies and/or rodents. The other totally ScareFace McGee is that crater faced gay that likes the draaaaaama. I don't understand how, working for a plastic surgeon/spa resort thing, that his skin still looks like the surface of the moon.

Anyway, on tonight's episode, Diane veggieoil keeps missing work and Gary sandpaperface causes some friction with the rest of the office. SURPRISE. Get your face fixed.

Even Anderson Cooper Wants to Pretend He Doesn't Really Know Who Heidi Montag is

Last night on Anderson Cooper 360, the Silver Fox just haaaad to get a word in about Horsey Montag's attempt to imitate Brit Brit. Obviously, it's pretty easy for Anderson to put Heidi on blast I just finished watching three episodes of Real Chance of Love 2, sorry for her autistic robot performance, but it's another thing for him to act like he doesn't know who she is.

We all know that Anderson Cooper knows exactly who Heidi and Spencer are. I mean come on. I bet if you walked into ACoops living room, and went up to his DVD rack, right next to the box set of Gem and the Holograms, the first 4 seasons of The Hills would be there. Not only that, but the but he's got the Black Tear season premiere locked on his DVR.

Megan Wants a Millionaire, I Love Money 3 CANCELED

As I'm sure you've read or watched something about Ryan Jenkins being found dead in a hotel room in Canada after being accused of murdering his wife. I'm not going to go into the gory details of his wife's death or how he was found because Google and Bing can do all that for you. And I don't think it's all that fun to read about the deaths of others, regardless of what kind of person they were.

Buuuuuuuut, I am going to freak the french out over the fact that because Jenkins is was such a corrupt and unforgivably evil person, I am never going to be able to watch the pure amazingness that was Megan Wants a Millionaire.

Now, I hadn't written much about the show since Vh1 started showing commercials for it, but that in no way means I hadn't avidly watched and rewatched the four episodes that had aired. Now, I know I tend to be a little hard on some of Vh1's reality shows, but this one was different. It basically took everything that Vh1/Daisy failed to do and created a show that was so 'reality show' perfect that it only makes sense that something awful happened to have it pulled from the air.

KEEP READING---



First, let's take a look at some of the cast. I mean seriously, Vh1 cast Donald in the show and though he was eliminated on the first episode because he was quite possibly child-pornography director, Megan went along with it all in stride. Even making jokes about how though she had absolutely 100%, no physical attraction to him whatsoever, maybe they could make it work.

It is this very fact, that Megan knows exactly how to work the show, that made it so much fun to watch. Obviously, Megan is a terrible human being. I'd call her scum of the earth, but I don't want to insult the black stuff growing on the grout in my bathroom it's right next door! So, let's just agree that she's worst tattooed somewhere that the sign don't shine. Okay, it's on her biggest crotch wart.

The other awesome thing the show had going for it was that not only were the cast of characters great minus Jenkins on the obvious reason that he's now a dead murderer, when some 'millionaire' won a challenge, he had the option of upgrading the package to further impress the gold digger. And they used their own money. Yes, Vh1 not only cast a bunch of hilarious creepers, they also had them basically spend their own money to win. GENIUS! This economy. Sheesh.

And finally, like I touched on before, Megan knows exactly what a Vh1 ...of Love/I Love... kind of show should be. She knew there was no way in douche hell that she'd find someone on the show that she'd ever want to spend the rest of her life with, but that doesn't mean she couldn't pull a Lily and acted like she was totally into everyone. Thankfully for viewers me? Megan's acting abilities are about four times as believable as Daisy just being a person - so the watchability skyrocketed. Instead of wanting an earwig to burrow into your skull and lay the slutty eggs that day terrors are made of, it was more like watching a tramp play a bunch of douches too old to be on Tool Academy 2. So, it was kind of win/win? Megan wins a lot of fake gifts and we win by not having eggs laid in our brains.

Will Megan ever want another millionaire? Probably. I'm sure Vh1 is planning to get another show for her lined up since her last one was canned prematurely. And from the sounds of some MTV Network insiders, the Vh1 executives were SCRAMBLING all night trying to figure out what to do with everything. Hopefully, we will eventually see Megan get her millionaire in the future.

Early Morning Crap

• This video of cats being autotuned is made of nightmares. [BuzzFeed]

• Paula Abdul will be hosting VH1 Divas this year. Expect everything to go well until MC Skat Cat drunkenly crashes the event. [TV Guide]

• MTV is developing a US remake of the UK teen show Skins. I don't know anything about this show but, I'm hoping it's about teenagers that wear full body suits made of other people's flesh. Fingies crossed! [Variety]

• Wedding photos of Pam and Jim have surfaced leading many to believe that they will be getting married this season. I'm assuming it's just a crazy sales-boosting idea that Michael came up with. [Starcasm]

• Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide. So, all you La Toya naysayers out there need to step off! [Zap2It]

• Danny Gokey's debut album will be of the country genre. That news makes it even easier for me to not ever listen to anything he ever makes. [Idolatry]

• Dancing With the Stars has announced their "celebrity" pairings. I don't really watch this show, but I am assuming that whoever got Tom Delay has already won. [Watch with Kristin]
  

I Love Legos

As a child, one of the only things that I ever wanted for Christmas and/or birthdays was Legos. I would spend HOURS playing with those little nippled blocks, constructing the most amazing things that a child had ever seen and going on adventures underneath my bed with space ships and pirate ships and time machines and really anything else you can imagine. I'd even spent time teaming up with my sister and her Barbies to defeat a wicked witch played by an Ariel doll chewed up by our dog among other things. I had an active imagination I suppose.

Still, with all the time I spent building and creating, I never, in a million lifetimes would have come up with something this masterful. The stop Lego stop motion video above kiiiiinda just fried my brain with it's sheer awesome factor.


[via Kotaku]

Early Morning Crap

After a brief hiatus, I Matt My Pants is back in action. Still experiencing the weird thing with individual posts, but will be working to fix that shortly.

• A Japanese Magician plays tricks on a chimp. Is it wrong that I was hoping the chimp ripped this dudes face off after he did the "spilling water on your head" trick? Poor chimp. [BuzzFeed]

• Ryan Jenkins, the Megan Wants a Millionaire guy accused of murdering his wife, was found dead in his hotel room over the weekend. There goes my favorite Vh1 reality shows. More on this later. [Zap2It]

• 90210 has a new chick named Ivy who's a surfer and flirts with boys. She sounds about as original as a remake of the hit 90's teen drama Beverly Hills 9021-wait... [TV Guide]

• Project Runway was a huge ratings success for Lifetime drawing in record numbers. That noise you just heard? That was Bravo kicking itself. [Variety]

• Charlie is coming back to Heroes! Hopefully, it's not in some crazy-ass convoluted way that doesn't make sense. But this is Heroes, so her episode probably takes place in 1937 in Germany with the lead pipe. [Ausiello Files]

• Heather Locklear is in talks to appear in the Melrose Pace 2.0 which would boost ratings and help me forget that Ashlee Simpson is in the cast. [Watch with Kristin]

• Keith Carradine will be guesting on Dollhouse this season. I don't have a joke for this because it's Monday morning and I just woke up. Feel free to write your own in the comments. [TV Fanatic]
  

This is Something That Actually Happened

Heidi Montag Pratt performed her song Body Language tonight at the Miss Universe Pageant. And by performed, I mean that she flopped around on stage and opened and closed her gaping de-intelligence spewer in an attempt to pretend to sing. I would like to know who at the Miss Universe production company decided that this would be an idea. No, that's not a typo. I did not mean to say a "good idea." I simply meant an idea. Which past-child-paint-drinker was sitting around in a board meeting and thought Heidi Montag when the big boss man asked for ideas for performances?

Anyway, you can suffer through the performance at your own risk. It's exactly what you'd expect from Heidi. But worst. For someone who is famous debatable for faking a fake life, she sure is terrible at faking singing. And don't even get me started on her choreography. The dead groundhog I found in my backyard has more rhythm than Heidi's silicon-for-a-brain robot body. Her performance made Brit Brit's original comeback look like an angel descended from heaven and performed in a shining display of God's beauty.

At least it was interspersed with beautiful lady faces and fun graphics.

TECHNICAL DIFFIES!

Hey cankles and canklettes, something's going on around i matt my pants that's causing everything to display twice in the individual posts. Like when you click on "read more" you'll get a double dose of everything I wrote. I guess that's no biggie unless you really hate wasted scroll time I know I do.

The other thing that's kinda wonk right now also happens to be in the individual post pages. You basically can't click on anything. Links/pictures/videos unless they're youtube? and I have no idea why. So, to access any fun links I've got up, you kinda have to click on them from the main blog page. Which is pretty lame. I know. Well, that is unless you're using IE. For some reason everything is clickable there... which is dumb.

I'm begging for patience as I try and straighten this stupidness out. Until then, go make yourself a Paula Deen Special:

Don't Forget to Watch "Dance Your Ass Off"

Lordy I was worried last week for my girl Shayla pictured on the right but her hot as a whore in church dance moves pulled her through! Shayla is definitely my pick to win, partially because she didn't have as much ass to dance off as some of the other contestants, partially because she's by far one of the better dancers, and partially because she's kinda hot. Like H. O. TAY hot. I just hope her moves can help her through tonight's episode.

Speaking of, in tonight's episode of Dance Your Ass Off, the remaining contestants get a visit from their faminators which gives OXYGEN some reason to ramp up the tear factor of the show. As if watching a bunch of fatties dance their fatness away wasn't tear inducing enough.

Anyway, the two-songs-a-week trend continues and tonight they've got 80's songs which I'm team pumped for and the foxtrot to contend with. Should be interesting, though I'm pretty sure my guuurrl Shayla is gonna bring it tonight. HARD.

Who do I think is gonna go home? Well, I hope it's Ruben because he about makes me want to pry my fingernails off with a rusty knife. Also, I love how OXYGEN keeps ramming it down our throats that he's got a lover that's a dude. NO ONE CARES THAT HE'S GAY! So please, stop trying to make us care OXYGEN. Please. Just send him home to wrap himself up in the arms of his partner and let the final three ladies battle it out. With Shalya winning.

Check out a clip after the jump...

'White Chicks' Gets a Sequel; Somewhere 'Mac and Me' Sequel Weeps

The Hollywood Reporter has broken the news that the Wayans Brothers' 2004 hit, White Chicks, will be getting a sequel. Yes, that's right. The movie that's basically just one giant, nightmare inducing commercial for the day terror inducing Maskon masks is in pre-production.

Now, according to THR, and to Wikipedia, and to imdb, and Rotten Tomotoes, I had to keep checking to make sure it wasn't a joke, the first film has grossed over $70 million domestically, which is kind of interesting considering it was destroyed by critics. But, with that much money made, it's almost a given that any movie would be given the sequel treatment, so I guess I shouldn't act too surprised.

I guess my problem is the fact that I can't watch/listen/think about the the Wayans brothers all done up as white chicks without thinking of those absolutely horrifying videos on youtube of dudes? wearing latex lady masks.

Check out one after the break...




Have fun sleeping.

Texting While Driving is Wales 'Final Destination'

Sure, a lot of people text while driving. And yes, it's incredibly stupid.

Have I done it before. Only a couple of times. Did I feel like an ass? Yes. Well, the Gwent Police Department in Wales has created a PSA that will really make you feel like an ass. An ass that causes a three car pile up, kills all your friends, and orphans a baby and a young child who's obviously a fan of Danny Gokey. And with the possible chance of leaving a child to grow up in a world without anyone to tell her that D-Gokes blows is reason enough to never text while driving.

I'm warning you ahead of time, this thing is GRAPHIC. Like, the car-accident scene in Final Destination 2 with the truck and the logs and the dying graphic. After watching this, I don't really ever want to drive again, let alone even think of doing something distracting while driving. Think of all the other people out there driving that could start this whole terrible chain reaction right in front of you?! Thanks Wales.


p.s. - my roommates on the rescue squad would prooooobably love showing up to this accident. they're weird like that.

Early Morning Crap

• Glee does Gold Digger. I really don't think there is anything this show can't do. [TV Fanatic]

• Dancing With the Stars announced the contestants who will try and salvage their no-careers for the upcoming season. Personal faves? Melissa Joan Hart, Mya, and Kathy Ireland. Yeah. [TV Guide]

• Paula Abdul will not be guesting on Ugly Betty now because she might be returning to Idol. If this has all been just a big ratings ploy for Idol, FOX can go s a b d. [TMZ]

• Summer TV was deemed a failure by some fancy analysis of ratings. That's basically like analyzing the number of duhs for every Captain Obvious there are. [TV Squad]

• Jerry Seinfeld will be Jay Leno's first guest on his new show this fall. I feel like this show is taking place in 1998 for so many, many reasons. [Variety]

• Rufus and Lily will finally meet their bastard child on Gossip Girl this season and then will peace out. Guess there goes the Dan/Love Child arc that would have made Dan interesting. [Watch With Kristin]

• Speaking of Gossip Girl, they're casting Vanessa's mother - apparently to prove to us that Rufus isn't the only completely and utter failure at a parent on the show. [Ausiello Files]
  

Don't Forget to Watch 'Real Housewives of ATL'

Look how AC blushes!! Last night, on Anderson Cooper 360, some lady who knows her roll showed Andy Coops someone footage of NeNe Leakes expressing her absolute love for her boo. The star of The Real Housewives of ATL no not, Kim's busted unicorn tail of a wig kept gushing all up on her boo and really got Mr. Cooper hanging his head in embarrassment. EMBARRASSMENT over the fact that he's never met his one true love.

So, you should do like Anderson Cooper's gonna be doing tonight and tune into BRAVO to check out what the ATL ladies will be fighting over. It looks like it's the famed 'wig pull' episode which you can catch a preview of after the jump. Not gonna lie though, that wig pull seems aaaawfully weak.

'90210' Preview Doesn't Even Try

A preview vid of the upcoming season of everyone's favorite teen drama about a bunch of high schoolers who are basically big balls of FAIL at everything they do remake of everyone's favorite teen drama about a bunch of high schoolers who are basically big balls of FAIL at everything they do and it's a big ball of FAIL.

I'm not entirely sure what the CW is trying to do with this preview, but whatever it is, it's like starring into the sun while standing in the path of a high speed train. It's kinda like they tried to accomplish the WTF-ery of the Gossip Girl preview but failed to utilize creativity or an actual budget. Scrounging up the loose change that falls out of Annie's gaping mouth while she's acting does not count as a budget.

And what's going on with Silver playing tennis. So, first season she was a hateful troll who wouldn't participate in anything 'the man' told her she had to, then turned into a crazy, and is now totes fine with playing, like, whatever!? That character... face it folks, if Annie wasn't on the how, would be worst.

Early Morning Crap

• And here's your furry moment of the day. A dude having a dance off with a bear. When Thursday cock-blocks the weekend like this thanks maggisaar, what else do you expect from me!? [BuzzFeed]

• Ernie Hudson will be appearing in a multi-episode arch on Heroes. He'll appear half way through volume one and everyone will claim he wasn't even in volume two. [TV Guide]

• The Emmys will not be 'time shifting' any awards after all. CBS decided if they're going to put everyone to sleep, might as well just do it the good ol' fashion way. Unbearable length that's what she said. [Variety]

• Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. The father has not been revealed yet, but all signs are pointing to Khloe. [Zap2It]

• Dexter has some new promotional images out featuring his son wearing bibs with clever phrases. This was more tasteful than Showtime's original idea of having the baby covered in blood splatters and coloring with a knife. [TV Fanatic]

• MTV might be moving out of its famous Times Square studio with the glass and the TRL and everything at the end of the year. Sorry Carson fans, that reunion will never happen. [NYP]

• Tosh.0 has received an order for six more episodes this season. Sadly, the focus of the show will change as the internet has not been renewed and will be shut down at the end of the season. [THR]
  

Don't Forget to Watch 'Michael & Michael Have Issues'

Tonight is the second to last episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central, so you probs best be getting your DVR's set tonight or be prepared to have a little less laugh in your life.

On tonight's episode, Michael Ian Black collapses at work and has to be taken to the hospital. Obviously, his coworkers are a little concerned so they pay him a visit and bring along a delicious treat for him which made me hungry when watching the clip below, not gonna lie.

You can also talk to Michael and Michael tonight while watching the show on their blog at MMHI.com along with sending tweets and the two M's will respond and probably make fun of you. Because you're less intelligent than they are.

Anyway, check out the preview below and don't forget - it's on tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central!

Kimmy Gibbler Says Hello

Have you ever wondered just what happened to Kimmy Gibbler? Welp, now you know. She went on to live as a bad Amy Sedaris impersonator with a poor-Midwestern mother's haircut. She's also been shopping at Walgreens for her clothes.

But in all seriousness can there be seriousness to this post? Kimmy and some of her Full House friends met up to sign a big bra for a charity in Michigan called Bras For a Cause. Uncle Joey, Danny, DJ, Stephanie, and DJ's boyfriend Steve were all there to lend their sigs.

I'm a little worried though about the fact that the Michelles weren't there. I'm wondering just what they were up to that prevented them from hanging out with their family. And what about Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky's twins! WHERE WERE THE TWINS?!

[via dlisted]

Betty White is My Hero

Betty White was on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night and good gracious. Hand me a bag of Werther's Originals because I'm done. Watching B-Whites do anything is funnier than half the crap on television today. Someone give her her own sitcom because I'd be all over that like my diabetic grandma on apple fritters.

And just how adorable is she in that prison guard uniform? She's the woman of my dreams.


[via ONTD]

Early Morning Crap

• Ovary explosion of the day. Sure he's in a doggie-wheelchair, but those ears! ADORABLE! [nj.com]
  
  
• Idol producers are in talks to renew Simon's contract for $45 million a year, three year deal. In related news, Coke Ford Coke Coke Ford. Coke Ford Ford Ford. [TV Guide]

• Speaking of coke, Paula might not be back on Idol, but it's looking likely that she'll be guesting on Ugly Betty. Which is basically the same, minus the paycheck and viewers. [Ausiello Files]

• La Toya Jackson is reportedly in talks to join Dancing With the Stars. I'm glad no one in Michael's family is using his death as a promotional tool for their flailing non-existent career. [Zap2It]

• Joan Rivers roast on Sunday night drew 32% less of an audience than Comedy Central's previous roast on Larry the Cable Guy. Guess that shows America's more interested in fat pedos than melty face old ladies. [Variety]

• Seth MacFarlane hopes that Family Guy will end before it hits its low point. I wish I had a joke for this one. [TV Squad]

• The dude that Annie hit on 90210 at the end of last season has a nephew, who was just cast, who she'll probably end up dating. Because this show is terrible. [TV Fanatic]

Don't Forget to Watch "Michael & Michael Have Issues" + "How'd You Get So Rich?"

Tonight is another episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues and in this week's episode, Michael Showalter is kiiiinda pissed that Michael Ian Black keeps showing up late to the production meetings. Check out the clip above! I love the guy that reads MIB's part at the end, haha. Tonight. Comedy Central. 10:30 p.m. Be there.

Also on tonight, the premiere of the lady, the myth, the surgery - my guuurl Joan Rivers' new show on TV LAND called How'd You Get So Rich? The show follows Miss Rivers as she goes around the country and finds everyday people that have struck it BIIIIIG by doing/marketing/making some of the more unexpected ways.

Basically, it's a bunch of po' folk that figured out how to make a ton of money by getting people to buy stuff they didn't need. Take for instance those Obama coins that you always see on the infomercials? Yeah, that dude is on this show and he's also a MILLIONAIRE. How's that make you feel about your petty, soul crushing office job?

Anyway, How'd You Get So Rich? is on TV Land tonight at 10:00 p.m.

Bethenny Frankel Still Thinks Kelly Bensimon is a Trashy Famewhore

Bethenny Frankel, fresh off of news that she would in fact be back for the next season of Real Housewives of NYC, was on It's On With Alexa Chung earlier today to talk about herself which she loves to do and obviously, the classiest of all the housewives came up in the conversation. When Alexa asked Bethenny if Kelly would be back for another season, Bethenny decided that it'd be best if she spoke politely of her costar:

Uh, yes. I think that Kelly would probably crawl over broken glass to be on television so yes, I think that Kelly will be back.

ZING and a half! She went on to say that she's just had a very visceral reaction to her and that even though BRAVO has tried to be like "oh I respect all the girls," Bethenny was like, "uuum, I just hate her guts."

Now, I'm not one for drama lies but it's kinda nice to see Bethenny let us know how she really feels about the Crazy Bensimon because when the fight happened so many months ago, she just sat there like a weird boobed lump on a log. This, this is more like it.

This is How You Raise a Child

So, some dude in Quebec decided that it would be a pretty great idea to let his 7 year old son drive the family SUV down some old country road. Apparently, the kid gets up to about 40 mph, which doesn't seem that fast until you actually watch the video and see just how little the boy is that's driving.

Some may say this is was probably a bad decision and that it's not all that safe to allow a 7 year old to drive. But, back where I'm from in Ohio, this wasn't all that uncommon. My mom used to tell us stories of how her and her sisters would drive one of their parent's cars around their field while their parents were gone and I have a couple of cousins who used to drive up and down their road out in the country granted I'm pretty sure they were older than 7, buuuuut... Plus, his dad was with him! I mean, it wasn't like he stole the family car to get out of church or something...

And, I would be far more concerned over the fact that the entire family wasn't wearing seat belts. It's 2009 people, not 2000 and late. Haven't we learned proper vehicle safety by now? Come on!

FINISHED!

Welp American Idol, I hope you're happy. Last night, the crown jewel and resident crazy person on the show has decided not to come back to the show after some serious contract negotiations apparently didn't go how she wanted. Hey! It's Paula announced her decision on the only place a crazy can be heard... her twitter page:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

And with that, I've finally figured out a good reason to stop watching this show. Sure, the show itself is pretty much reason enough to never watch, but I've been hooked since season one because this hot mess was just too much fun to pass up. But now that Kara DioWORST is the only lady judge, I'm gonna have to politely decline my invitation to watch this season and then talk sh*t behind it's back.

Srsly people... are you really going to sit and listen to the woman responsible for this!? I mean, at least Paula brought the crazy HARDCORE!. Listening to Kara is like listening to your grandma's dying dog.

Early Morning Crap

• This EGG thing can't be real? The Japanese are just so creative! [BuzzFeed]

• On the Idol summer tour, Adam Lambert has sex toys thrown at him. I wish I had something humorous to write about that. [Watch with Kristin]

• Lauren Conrad and Kim Kardashian have been named as guest judges on this season of ANTM. That seems fair, a show that creates no name models having no name reality show stars help pick the no namiest winner! [TV Guide]

• Shonda Rhimes said there will be crossovers this season on Grey's and Private Practice. One can assume that means there will also be heavy handed story lines and more Katherine Heigl being a bitch. [Zap2It]

• The CW is looking at other shows to remake after the success of 90210 and now Melrose Place. I wonder how long it is before the reremake 90210 and Melrose Place. [Variety]

• Betty from Ugly Betty got a makeover for the new season. Gotta sex it up now that the show is on Friday night's and no one is going to watch. [TV Fanatic]

• A Star Trek cologne has been released and now all geeks can smell just like stale sweat and desperation. I can't wait! [TV Squad]
  

Not Gonna Lie...

I'm not sure what it is that ex-Danity Kane member Aubrey O'Day got into when she came up with the idea to remake the 80's mega-classic Party All the Time, made famous by the one and only Eddie Murphy, nor do I know how she even went about remaking this song. All I know is that for some reason, I am completely obsessed with this song. What in the tranny-loving-hell is wrong with me?

I mean, no song from the 80's should ever be remade. They are all 100% perfect in every way - especially if they contain more than 2/3 worth of synthesizer. Secondly, she may look like a chewed up piece of pork gristle wrapped in a cotton ball, but we know that Aubrey can actually kinda sing from years of watching Making the Band 4, so why does it sound like her voice decided to take a 3 day weekend at Britney Spears Womanizer Vocals Resort and Spa? I'm pretty sure the cast of Addicted to Beauty see previous post all trained there. And finally, yelling "It's Rick James, bitch" at the end of your song doesn't honor him, it makes him roll over in his coke filled grave.

Someone block youtube from my computer....

Don't Forget to Watch "Tori & Dean" and "Addicted to Beauty" Tonight

Tonight on OXYGEN is the season finale of Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood and it's the one where Candy Spelling basically says "Ya burnt!" and doesn't show up to her granddaughter's birthday party because there weren't enough cameras around and Tori's fish-face pouts about it the whole time. You can catch a preview for that after the jump.

More importantly though, you should watch the hot mess understatement of the year that premieres afterward. Addicted to Beauty is some new show about a plastic surgeon and a spa that join forces to create an all-in-one self-esteem destroying circle-jerk, combining the two staffs into one drama/tranny/homo explosion. It looks like it's going to melt my brain out of my head with bitchassness.

Seriously, I don't even know what's happening in the preview clip below and half the time it hurts my eyes just to watch it. For being a show about vain, self-absorbed d-nozzles, they sure picked a bunch of fugs and hatchet faces.

Early Morning Crap

• Meet the cast of NYC Prep. Jessie was spot-on, but PC could have used a little sprinkle of fairy dust to make him more of a real boy. [BuzzFeed]

• AnnaLynne McCord who plays Naomi on 90210 wants her sisters to be on the show. Also a Chuck Bass cross over. And President Obama. I just want her to put a brown bag over Annie's face. [TV Fanatic]
  

• Ty Ty is making a guest appearance on Gossip Girl this season. I wonder if her and B will have a bitch off? Tyra would probably just melt Blair's face off with her crazy-side-eye. [Ausiello Files]

• 10 Dollar Dinners with Melissa D'Arabian, the winner of Next Food Network Star, kiiiiinda sounds a lot like the show of Food Network's resident alcoholic and tablescaper. [TV Squad]

• Relax! Bethenny isn't leaving Real Housewives of NYC after all. Which is great because no one is able to sit and listen to Kelly spout crazy like a deer in headlights as Bethenny. [Korbi TV]
  

• Kara DioGuardi is officially back for the next season of American Idol meaning so are my migraines and debilitating diarrhea. [TV Guide]

• Over 150 showrunners have signed a petition in hopes that the Emmys will restore pretaped segments to the live broadcast. If there's one thing I know about petitions, it's that they're really effective /sarcasm. [Variety]