Yeah This is Today Old...

Surprise Cat. I'm sure you saw it somewhere else today, but it's just too much fun not to mention on here. This is basically the process I go through every time I have a job interview - except my ending is different sadface.

'The Bad Girls Club' Starts Tomorrow and You Could Win a Macbook!

Bad Girls Club comes back for its fourth season of delicate, lady-like behavior tomorrow night at 10:00 pm on Oxygen and it's probably going to be full of refined etiquette, elegant manors, and dignified displays of class you've ever seen. To celebrate this most stately of affairs, Oxygen is having a little internet party for all the fans.

You can join in a big live chat/facebook/twitter convo on www.OxygenLive.com to discuss the graceful tactics of the ladies with other fans, editors from Oxygen, and some special guests from Evil Beet Gossip.

Now, the best part of the whole even though, is that when you inevitably start tweeting about the exquisite examples of femininity, you could win a MacBook! All you have to do is tweet one of the following messages and you're entere

"Oxygen Live presents #badgirlsclub Tweet the Season Premiere 12/1 btw 9:30-12 ET Watch & Win a MacBook only @Oxygen"

...or...

"Pound a bad girl, win a MacBook. On 12/1 from 9:30p-12 ET, discuss the season 4 premiere using #badgirlsclub 4 automatic entry. Only @Oxygen"

That's it! And don't tell me you don't want a new mac lappy. Anyway, for a preview of tomorrow night's episode, take the jump to the video!

Tough Love Season 2 - Episodes 2 & 3 Combo Pack

I missed talking about Tough Love last week because it was a bit of a Thanksgiving overload and I got a little backed up in more ways than one. I did manage to take down all the rules though! But, for those of you that need to know just what happened, here's a quickie...

Taylor already pulled out her VIP HBIC card and banished Kanisha from the bedroom so she could have her old bed back. Steve sent the girls to a carnival with some dudes on a blind date to test if they could use their ears. Most couldn't. Obvs, some paid about as much attention as your parents paid to you as a child and others basically fondled the nutsacks of their date's information genitals.

After that, Liz went on a date with a sack of muscles. Steve took the nine ladies to a salon to make them over so they would stop assaulting us with tramp-face. Angel had to give up her wig that she named "Sylvia" better than naming a merkin I 'spose? and Taylor had to stop looking like a singed Komondor.

After their makeovers, Steve sent the girls to a masquerade party to meet some dudes. Later, Rocky and Taylor yelled at each other. Steve showed the girls what the dudes said about them and then put Angel in the 'hot seat' because she's a stripper half assed her attempt to talk to guys.

Noooow, for last night's episode and the Rules of Dating! Read it all after the jump!


For the third episode of this season, I was expecting some more clit bull fights, arguments with Steve, and self-esteem castles being washed away by the waves of the Male Perspective Ocean. Aaaaaaaaand that's just what we get.

The main challenge for the episode was the famous to Vh1 rglrs 'sexy photo shoot' where all the girls try to pull off 'sexy' and not 'slutty' or 'your-drunk-mother-getting-ready-for-her-weekly-girls'-night-out" look. Angel the stripper was terribly unsexy, the weird girl Sally was pretty hot, and as you can see in the picture, Tina was about as sexy as a half peeled banana left on the counter for a week. Yum-o! Also, Liz said 'lingerie' as if she saw the word one time in a Vicki's Secret and figured it was something women should say. "linj-er-ee" If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone pronounce lingerie like that... I'd have a nickel.

Of course, my home-g Taytay got into an argument with Steve over the results because dudes said she looked like a femme de la rue I took a million years of French to learn that. The rest of the girls took it in stride.

Later, Liz went on a date with her slab-o-beef to watch him cage fight. Then his coach "choked him out" which caused her to NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT THE REST OF THE EPISODE. Listen Liz, just because you're father was a sissy man doesn't mean every guy you date has to look like skin stretched over steroids.

The second challenge of the night was a salsa dance lesson followed by a showcase of how well the girls clicked with their partners. Winner of the night? Sally again! Plain Jane might be boring, but she sure knows how to work it when it counts.

Towards the end of the episode, Rocky and Taylor got into a fight about something. To be honest, I don't know what it was about because anytime they actually show Rocky, all I can think of is that shebeast on I Know My Kid's A Star yelling about Rocky's weave. Whatever it was, it pissed Taylor off enough to dump a beer on Rocky's weave.



Sasquatch and Screw? Those might be funny nicknames for Kim Zolciak and... Kim Zolciak Rocky, but I don't think they make much sense in this sitch.

Anyway, hot seat tonight went to Tina for sucking at being a woman and also to Taylor for not ever listening to Steve on anything.

--------------------------------------------------

Now, for the best part of the episode... THE RULES! We got three four from last week and two from last night - though sadly, one of them was a repeat of a previous rule. COME ON STEVE, PASS OUT NEW ONES!

TOUGH LOVE RULES OF DATING

1: Don’t be weird.
2: Communication is though.

4: Remember you dates name.

12: Don’t go fishing for compliments

14: Ladies, if you want to kiss a guy, get a little closer. Send the guy some signals.
14: If you want a guy to kiss you; kiss him. Remember it takes two to tango. (REPEAT)

19: No room for hypocrisy in dating. If you don’t date down, don’t expect dudes to.

20: If you never keep your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo coming.
21: Only text on a N2K basis

26: Approach everything with an open mind.

31: When revealing a secret, turn a negative into a positive.

33: When asking out a guy, try not to be nervous.

36: A partial truth is still a lie.

40: When a guy says something nice to you, it's a good thing. Don't argue with him, just say thank you. thanks H_Ram for pointing this one out.

44: Keep the past in the past.

48: Put a cork in it. Telling a guy how much you like to drink makes you sound like a loser.

55: Stop staring please.

58: Don’t bring up your wedding plans

70: Less is more, especially when it comes to sexual partners.
71: Most guys love a good catfight. But none of them want to date the “cat”.

73: Don’t try to outthink love. Love is emotional, not cerebral.

75: Shut your yap. Don’t give too much information
76: First date is never the time to air your dirty laundry
77: Don't try to hard. Faking sexy is like bad plastic surgery. It only takes a glance to know it ain't real.

84: Don’t assume that the guy you’re dating looks at a dollar bill the same way you do.

87: If you want to get to know a guy, don't speak with your mouth full.

91: Don’t use a secret as a weapon.

100: Everyone gets rejected.




Quote of the Week: "I want to high five Steve's face right now." - Taylor from last week.

Sign of the Robot Apocalypse #1332

What in the automaton seizure hell are the Japanese doing over there?! I guess spending countless man-hours and surely a bizillion Japan dollars on a robot that will most certainly be our destroyer with unfinished Erector Set appendages I don't even think they make Erector Sets anymore and the face of the mouth breather from Hannibal is an acceptable alternative to, I don't know, curing cancer or stopping these from happening again.

And would it kill them to run a brush through her hair?

P.S. - Best part? At 2:35 when she starts trying to either a.) remove robo brown brown from her bum or b.) butt-pleasuring herself mid step.

P.P.S. - I lied. New best part is when she's picking her brown brown hole at 4:17 and then raises what she finds into the air.

P.P.P.S. - Is this effer wearing Crocs?!

P.P.P.P.S. - If you stare into its no-eyes long enough, you can feel what hell is like.




via engadget

If Satan Recorded a Song...

...it would sound like Horsey Montag's new song. Satan himself arose out of the fire depths of hell yesterday to help premiere Superficial and sentence all of humanities ears to a never ending damnation in stupidity and auto-tune. I'm pretty sure that God took a step back from this one and said "awww hell naw" when this audio-murder was released, Jesus canceled his iTunes subscription, and the Holy Ghost went deaf.

I'm not even entirely sure what this song is supposed to be about. I tried to listen to the lyrics, but between Horsey's inability to enunciate human words and my brain boiling out of my ears, it was a difficult to understand. The only part I could really ever make out was, "some call me a bitch" which I believe is some sort of typo. I think she meant to sing "everyone calls me a dumb mega-c." It fits better musically.

Between both of them following me on twitter and now this, I'm pretty sure that my house is just going to collapse upon me and spontaneously explode at any minute.

8-Bit Thriller

I absolutely love when great parts of my childhood combine. Like Michael Jackson songs and video games. The above video is an 8-bit tribute to MJ's mega-hit Thriller and it's definitely all sorts of epic win. There's not much more that needs to be said about this other than when listening, you might feel like you need to be blasting crude, pixelated zombies while flying a spaceship that looks like a multicolored banana with wings.



via kotaku

Am I Going to Die?

I woke up with this in my inbox this morning and as soon as I clicked on it, I was stricken with a sudden fear for my life. What does this mean!? Especially when his wife started following me over the weekend. Is this some sort of sign from God that my life is running on fumes? A dark omen perhaps? Am I going to be in some tragic accident now that threatens my very soul?

Nothing about this can be good.

The Foolhardy Manor Performs at Crash Mansion Tonight!

My sketch/improv group, The Foolhardy Manor is performing tonight at 8:00 at Crash Mansion in a sketch competition jackpot challenge and if you're in the area, you should come check us out! Crash Mansion is located on near Bowery and Spring and tickets are $10.

Should be a good ol' time. You can check out more info on the group at our website - TheFoolhardyManor.com

The AMAs as It Happened

So by now, I'm sure your tired of hear about the American Music Awards and the Adam Lambert face-hump-gate scandal. What's wrong American viewing audience? A gay guy can't simulate a beej with another dude on stage? Or snap the crotch holster of a female stripper? Or suck the soul out of a keyboardist? Or wave his middle finger around in the air like he just don't care? Or give a kinda wah-wah vocal performance? Yeah whatevs... Anyway, I randomly decided to impromtu live tweet this star-studded turd show, so I figured I'd give you a little taste of what it was like to watch in case you didn't get to and let's be real, you didn't even know it was on.

Sooo, take a ride down twittery lane and hit up the jump to read my thoughts on the night... as it happened. SEMI LIVE!

P.S. - you can follow me on twitter at @imattmypants





Okay, now just like twitter, you gotta start at the bottom. So first off, make sure this is playing and scroll down the very bottom and start reading up...

------------------------------------------------------


Welp, thanks for all those that put up with my incessant #AMAs tweets. I'm gonna go rub my crotch on my roommates' faces. 10:00 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

Um, I really like Adam Lambert... but this performance seemed a bit... forced? It was kinda gimmicky. #AMAs 9:59 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Adam Lambert is making sure that every part of every person on stage touches his crotch during this performance. #AMAs 9:56 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Adam Lambert is out on stage to just sex the shit out of everything. #AMAs 9:55 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note - welp, time for this one.

Ryan Seacrest. I have such a hate/love/hate relationship with you. I don't even know what to say. Hotdog? #AMAs 9:52 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Green Day - I think the heavy eyeliner would be more effective... if you weren't nearly 40 years old. #stopactingliketaylormomsen #AMAs 9:46 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Is it weird that the chick from V looks more like an alien right now than she does in the show? #AMAs 9:39 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


When did Timbaland eat Missy Elliott? #AMAs 9:35 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon ed. note - the back of his neck looked like those giant tootsie roll logs. Didn't he used to be jacked and not big mac-ed?

ed. note - now start playing this song.

50 cent and Eminem. Yep, there on stage. Eminem is wearing a jacket made of trashbags and 50 only cameo-ed. #AMAs 9:28 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Alicia Key's vajoodle necklace is as interesting accessory. #AMAs 9:20 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Is Michael Jackson really allowed to be up for artist of the year? He wasn't even alive for all of it. Just sayin... #AMAs 9:07 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Welp, there's the Whitney sweat-lip we know and love! #Whitneysback #AMAs 9:03 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


J-Lo's "granny-pantie" bottom part of her dress was definitely hiding an industrial set of Spanx. #AMAs 8:54 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


J-LO JUST FELL ON STAGE. BEST.PART.OF.THE.SHOW. #AMAs 8:52 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note - now start playing this song.

Breakthrough Artist: Gloriana (What the #glee cast rejects are these people) #AMAs 8:47 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon ed. note - seriously, who are these people!?


Sorry MJB, kinda boring. And were you trying to match your hair color(s) to your enlarged snake skin patterned dress? #AMAs 8:45 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


They keep hyping Adam Lambert's performance like he's gonna gay-sex it on stage. Chill out ABC, we're all gonna watch regardless. #AMAs 8:37 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon ed. note - funny how this comment turned out to be 100% true.


Now she's playing a flaming piano with her seizure ribcage still on. There's probs a metaphor here, but I'm just gonna go with wtf. 8:35 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


I'm also pretty sure she has a boner going on. #AMAs 8:32 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Lady GaGa is wearing leftover alien exoskeleton from from the movie Aliens. #AMAs 8:31 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note - if country music ain't yer thang, then click on this song.

Though, the gay man's drapes she's wearing for an outfit make her legs look like they're being birthed by a gold vagina. #AMA 8:28 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Carrie Underwood gets hotter every time I see her. Call me. #AMAs 8:27 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note - Rihanna's performance is boring, so stop playing that and start playing this one.

Rihanna is performing on an old set from Remote Control. #AMAs 8:17 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note - now time for this song.

P.S. - Sorry everyone for the impromptu #AMAs live tweeting. It just came over me. Aaaand there's a bunch of hipster lumberjacks on stage. 8:12 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Jermajesty Jackson was just on stage! #namewin #namesuccess #nameawesome #namehilarious #nameunfortunate #nameofajacksonchild #AMAs 8:09 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


I also really hope that will.i.am gives me his #keytar and that Fergie pees on stage. #AMAs 8:01 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


If Perez Hilton ever has a 3 second long close up like that of him attempting to sing, I'm throwing my TV at a baby. #AMAs 7:50 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


The people in the front row of the #AMAs are making me want to give un-anesthesiad lobotomies to all of them. You're not famous. 7:48 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


PLEASE LIL MAMA, PLEASE JUMP UP ON STAGE DURING THIS PERFORMANCE! #AMAs #morons 7:45 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon ed. note - guesses on what song it was?


A-Rod just got booed. Deservedly so? It was his haircut. #AMAs 7:44 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


K Clarks is actually wearing a semi-flattering outfit. Kudos to finding a stylist that doesn't hate you. #AMAs 7:35 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon

ed. note: now start playing this.

Whoever told Keith Urban to wear frizzy possum for a hairpiece and a blue laminated picnic table cover for a shirt should get a raise. #AMAs 7:31 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


I love that the announcer just had to give a reason on why Pete Wentz was out on stage. "new compilation album....blah blah blah" #AMAs 7:17 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


I'm pretty sure that the one Black Eyed Peas dude that's not the Asian guy had sweat through his "leather" jacket. #AMAs 7:12 PM Nov 22nd from Echofon


Why is Janet Jackson dressed like a ghetto Pocahontas? #AMA

START HERE!

Saturday Night Live: Joseph Gordon Levitt Edition

This past Saturday Night Live was probably the best of the season thus far sketch-wise I ignored Dave Blah-thews Band. ZING! and a lot of that was because of the anxiety attack inducing performances by hose Joseph Gordon Levitt. Now, let's be real for a second. It's one thing to be excited to host SNL because it's arguably one of those moments in your career as an up-and-coming African-child-adopting mega-star that screams "you've made it." But come on JGLevs - did this excitement really mean you haaaad to huff down a trash can full of blow or crushed up Smarties like the weird kids in my Geometry class used to do before you went on?

Yes, I enjoyed your hosting and your monologue was great, it's just... the lip sweat that I accumulated from watching your performance was evidence enough that my nervousness at home might have been a bit uncalled for. I wasn't watching a relative being led to the Guillotine here. It was a be-vest-acled little man doing flips off of slanty walls.

With that being said, my three favorite sketches from the show after the jump!



What Up With That was on fire last night. And thankfully, Kenan was actually funny.



Two Worlds Collide: Ft. Reba McEntire definitely isn't their strongest Digital Short song, but I pretty much loved it. I'm really hoping that at some point in the future, they get the real Reebs to help out.


Jackie Snad & Clancy Bachlerat didn't make it to air, but it's awesome nonetheless. Couldn't stop laughing, especially when KWiigs messes up.

Early Morning Crap

• Woodpecker versus Snake. The new Octopus versus Shark? [BuzzFeed]

• Oprah is working on a show for HBO about a mother who leaves her family to explore her secret fantasies. If this turns out to just be O's and Gayle's home videos, I'm out. [Variety]

• Speaking of Oprah, she's already being blamed for the downfall of daytime TV and local channel revenue depletion. I think I'm more worried about this. [NYT]

• Michael Jackson's Moonwalk glitter glove sold for $350,000 at auction over the weekend along with some of his other iconic pieces. Not sold? MJ's bedazzled little boy condoms. [TV Guide]

• The TV Guide Network will be playing a 12 hour Dirty Dancing Marathon on Christmas day. Because nothing says "birth of Jesus" like reminders of the slow and tragic death of a cancer patient. [TV Squad]

• Kim Kardashian might be the killer on her guest stint on CSI: NY. Not to be outdone, her sister Khloe might be a man in real life. [Watch With Kristin]

• New Moon made a bunch of theater seats wet money this weekend, bringing in over $140.7 million, but lost the highest grossing record to The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 3. Also lost, millions of tween girls virginity. [EW]
  

CHUCK IS BACK!

NBC has finally decided to treat all of us nerding out over Chuck's return a solid and premiere date. Set your computer watches and smartphone alarms because Sunday, January 10th at from 9 to 11pm will be our two hour premiere for one of the best shows ever to grace television.

Sure that's awesome enough in and of itself, but better yet is that Chuck then goes to it's regular time slot of Monday's at 8 the following day. Three episodes of Mr. Bartowski and friends over two days!

Sadly, it seems Anna Wu (Julia Ling) will not be back this season, as she's been left off the press release - which is crap. But what can you do when the show barely made it back in the first place. Enjoy the preview!

Early Morning Crap

• Children reenacting the first Thanksgiving is aaaaaalmost as funny as the play from Adams Family Values. But not really. [BuzzFeed]

• Project Runway announced it's Lifetime season winner last night. Viewers got really excited and then immediately forgot about the lucky designer once they changed the channel. [Zap2It]

• Oprah will end her syndicated show in 2011 and move it to her OWN channel. In other news, OWN headquarters have been announced to be located in the Technodrome. [TV Week]

• Vh1 has picked up a second season of Scream Queens with the winner appearing in yet another Saw movie. I wish there was a joke in that. [Variety]

• NBC has ordered three more episodes of its intense medical show Trauma despite it's low but consistent ratings. It must mean NBC is really weary of ...hemorrhaging... any more viewers. ZING on wordplay! [TV Guide]

• Adam Lambert defends his interview stipulations that OUT Magazine got huffy about. You can't tell me that Cyndi Lauper had her own stipulations in that shoot - like a barrel of pot on hand at all times. [EW]

• New Moon is doing huge overnight premiere numbers which comes to no one's surprise other than my Grandpa who still thinks New Moon has something to do with the tides. [Nikki Fink]
  

Don't Forget to Watch "Saturday Night Live"

This weekend is a brand new Saturday Night Live featuring host Joseph Gordon-Levitt and musical guest Dave Matthew's Band. I can only assume that this week's will be better than the burning pile of dirty diapers that was last week's. Buuuuuut, Dave Matthew's Band is on the show so that instantly adds a few douche levels to the equation. So, I guess it's all up in the air. Guess we'll just have to tune in!

P.S. - The second promo in the video above is definitely the best.

P.P.S. - I once drunkenly talked to Jason Sudeikis for like 20 minutes at a bar and he was the nicest person in the world. Also, Seth Meyers was bartending. And no this wasn't a dream.

Your New Best Friend: Donald Duvall

This is the kind of old pappy that I want to be when I'm older and look like St. Nick's thinner brother. Donald Duvall, of Taneytown I originally read that town as Taintytown and his senior citizens Wii bowling team "In Our Prime" is competing against 180 other senior teams around the country in 24 states in the National Senior League Wii Bowl championship.

In Our Prime is currently ranked first in its division, and Duvall is the highest ranked individual player, he said. Playoffs begin next month, and the national title will be decided the week of Dec. 14.

Ahhh the life. I can't wait until I can hang around my house or a community center and play Wii Sports all day. Welp, unemployment basically allows me to do that now but... Good luck "In Our Prime"!


fredrick news post via gonintendo

Tammy the Turnpike Turkey

Tammy the Turkey has become a mainstay at the tollbooth on the NJ Turnpike near Jersey City. And by mainstay, I mean she lives there, hangs out with the workers, walks in and out of oncoming traffic, sits on cars, and eats Cracker Jacks. You know, the yoozh for a turkey. Now, normally this would be a recipe for turkey jerky, but Tammy somehow managed to be smart enough to not get slaughtered in a bloody and feathery mess.

Luckily, Thanksgiving isn't coming early for Tammy because she has been captured as of yesterday morning and is now spending her adventurous days in a zoo in Ocean County.


via nj.com

My Respect of MiCy Went Up a Smidge

So, Miley Cyrus was giving an interview to some random ass radio station I think it was in my home state, le sigh that was using what looks like a cell phone camera to take this video seriously, how do these people have a job and I don't? and was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Welp, Miley decided she wasn't gonna have it and basically said Twitards can suck it.

"I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

Now, I'm not a tremendous fan of Miley herself despite what my shower karaoke to Party in the USA might say but, this was awesome. I give props to any famous person that will speak out against the abomination that is the Twilight-saga. Granted, Miley might not even understand what any of it is because let's be honest, her description kind of sounds like my Grandpa trying to explain a dream he had after he had a slight OD on his old-person-meds. BUT STILL, any team that's not Team Lame is a team I'm on. Team Miley - I'm ashamed.



via vulture

Early Morning Crap

• A pop-up book of phobias. I think I know what I'm getting for all of my friends this Christmas! [BuzzFeed]

• And the winner of America's Next Top Midget Model is... did anyone even watch this season? [Zap2It]

• Martha Stewart must have got a crown pork roast stuck up her v, because the ex-prisoner went on a rampage against everyone's favorite trucker voice Rachael Ray. [TV Guide]

• Remember the Palin Rap on SNL a while back? Well, it could have been even funnier - and I'm not even talking about Amy giving birth on stage.. [TV Squad]

• Welp, it looks like my girl H-Duff is outta Gossip Girl and probably won't be back at all this season - which I'm surprisingly sad about. I enjoyed her a lot. Except her dating Dan. [Watch with Kristin]

• Will Ferrell is the most overpaid actor in Hollywood according to a study. In other news, a different study has determined that the previous study was an obvious waste of funding. [EW]

• I'm pretty sure that NBC doesn't even want to try to get people to watch their network anymore. They have a new reality show coming call United Plates of America. Sigh. [TV Week]
  

For Anyone That Hasn't Watched Them Yet

Here's the little webseries that I made last week. It's about Amanda and her boyfriend Kyle and their phone call. Amanda enjoys phone conversations. Kyle... maybe not so much. Enjoy it because it's funny. Well, I'm biased. Waaay biased.

Check out parts 2 through 5 after the jump... plus a pretty amazing bonus feature that stars a very special guest from part 3!


PART 2

PART 3

PART 4

PART 5

----------------------------------

BONUS FEATURE!

Amanda's Mother is one hot cookie!

OH MY GEE

This could be the greatest thing I've ever seen happen to Saturday Morning Cartoons since I stopped watching in 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000. One of my favorite cartoons and easily one of the best ever of all time, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the '80s obvs will be in a movie airing this Saturday morning at 10:00 am on The CW. Yes, that's right - all of our favorite pizza eating, cowabunga yelling, Shredder stomping, humanoid turtles are starring in a movie alongside their less exciting versions from today.

Turtles Forever is a brand new animated feature premiering on The CW that's gonna rock my socks because according to the wiki, it's also gonna feature a ton of the characters from the 1987 version including Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady, the Foot Soldiers, April O'Neil and her friend Irma, all four turtles, Splinter, AAAAAAAAAAAND KRAAAAANG!!!!!

We can also expect to see the old Turtle Blimp, the Turtle Van, and the Technodrome which can't.make.me.any.more.excited. I'm setting my alarm, my DVR, I'm getting my bowl of honey nut cheerios ready, and my footie pajamas and reliving my childhood like it's the last childhood I'll ever have!!

I Hate That I'm Posted This...

There's really nothing else to say about this clip other than just watch it. If Satan decided to jump up from the bowels of Hell to visit our great society, this would be his landing point. I feel like someone looked at my list of most hated things and randomly picked three of them, put them all in a Slap Chop, and spit them out onto a plate made of cat feces that is already covered in rotting human flesh. Yay lunch time!

Here's a lengthy but worth it? clip of The Insider with annoying blonde woman, Niecy Nash, or NeNe Leakes and some other randoms interviewing Heidi and Spencer about their twitter fight with Al Roker. What. The. EFF. This is what nightmares have nightmares about.


via @saraschaefer1

Pink Glove Dance

This just kept making me smile the entire time. The staff of St. Vincent's Medical Center in Portland, Oregon made this feel good dance video featuring pink gloves to promote breast cancer awareness. You can't not be happy when watching it! Favorite parts? The absolute joy on the woman in red dancing at the :40 second mark. And the grandpa custodial worker that really knows how to work a poll at the :48 second mark. Aaaannnd the entire thing. This totally made my day!

The Exorcist Gets Hollywooded

Before you jump to conclusions of crap horror movie remakes past, there is some semi-good news coming out of this. Yes, there is a supposed remake in the works of one of the most amazing and terrifying classics of all time. Yes, it's in the form of a TV mini-series, not a silver screen project. Yest, the script is already done. And yes, those are definite reasons to be worried about something like this, buuuuuuuuuut... the tiniest of silver I just used silver two times in one post linings - according to captainhowdy.com - through an issue of Cemetery Dance magazine, the original book/screenplay writer and the original director are both on board to do it the justice it deserves.

Cemetery Dance Magazine: Looking back, is there anything you would change about the film now if you could?

William Peter Blatty: Yes and no. I would love to have been able to include the subplot involving Karl and his daughter Elvira, which I did in my first draft, but that script ran to 172 pages, much, much too long. But I might have it my way in the near future, inasmuch as I’ve written an Exorcist miniseries script that not only faithfully includes all the main elements of the novel, but also some rather spooky new material and scenes, as well as a totally new (and perhaps much more satisfying) ending. I’ve also updated it. Billy Friedkin has agreed to direct.

Now, obviously this project has basically a sh*t ton riding against it and it will prooooooobably fail miserable - if it even makes it to TV. I'm trying to think of what network would even pick this up Chiller? FX? Oxygen? and even if one of them does, how edited is this thing gonna be? I'll have probably been more frightened by watching Vicki's droopy putty face on Real Housewives of OC than this.

Video Phone, More Like Video Blown - ZING!

I'm gonna need someone to explain to me what in the Rihanna's leftovers hell this video is about? Let's start off my expert analysis of this video by saying, why on earth do we have to watch Beyonce walk for 45 seconds? And why did I think my computer was about to spasm out and Blue Screen of Death on me?

Speaking of spasms, shouldn't this video have a seizure warning on it like all those Wii games do? I feel bad for any epileptic that happens to be browsing their favorite websites, stumbles upon this mess, and then swallows their tongue. How you gonna feel then B?!

Also, this song is worst.

Early Morning Crap

• Ovary-explosion of the day - Sydney the baby Otter. [BuzzFeed]
  

• MTV has obtained the rights to This Is It which means we can expect it to be playing 12-18 times a day on each and everyone of it's networks. [Variety]

• Harry Potter will be lending his voice to The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode next year in a Twilight spoof - or the day the earth exploded from fangirls. [EW]

• Heather Locklear isn't the only original cast member lined up to try and save the dying show. Good luck. [Watch with Kristin]

• Fred Willard is coming to Modern Family and I couldn't be more excited. [TV Guide]

• Twit & Twat need to leave Al Roker alone. And also leave the rest of the world alone. Like by killing themselves. [TV Squad]

• And the People Magainze's sexiext man alive for 2009 is... a child molester look-a-like. [People]
  

My Childhood Favorites Combine

Legos and video games. I don't think my brain can handle this awesomeness. I'm pretty sure that I spent a good 32 hours a day playing with both of these things. Yes, thirty two hours a day. A DAY.

Check out an awesome one after the jump.


From one of my favorite games of all time...





images via

Your New Best Friend: Tara From Styl'd

Not gonna lie, I've seen a few eppies of this MTV show Styl'd about about group of street urchins trying to make it in the world of celebrity styling - aka: the glamorous life. To be even more honest, I think I've seen exactly 2 and half episodes. But one of those I saw three times because I couldn't fall asleep one night and my FiOS remote was lost under my mattress. Sooo, I do know a little bit about this Tara girl in the video above.

She was the boring one if I can remember correctly. There was her, the dumb girl, the gay guy, the gay guy that got fired, and the "straight" guy that they brought in, and maybe a another person, or a trash baby or something. Anyway, Tara got a little pissy with her boss so she decided to rim her glasses and dip her toothbrush in the toilet. Supposedly this clip is real and MTV didn't want to air because, well it's gross. But, MTV also has it posted on their website so it really couldn't have been that big a deal - or it was just a giant publicity stunt to get people to watch tonight - it worked, I'm watching. I fail.

Twilight: Three Wolf Moon

This will probably be one of my only Twilight posts this week, but I can't make any promises. College Humor got Aubrey Plaza and John Gemberling together to shoot a little fakey-fake Twitard spoof that features the internet's favorite t-shirt.

I'm loving how everyone is perfecting their Kristin Stewart dead-eyes-no-blink stare to the point that you can't really tell the difference between them and the real KStew. You could basically replace her with a set of googly eyes and an upside down banana and just have someone use a Speak & Spell to do voice overs and you'd be set!

The Star Mangled Banner

Warning: This is bad, so turn your speakers down if you don't want them, or your ear drums, to blow.

I really wish that they would have gotten a close up of the girl singing this when her voice cracks, she stops singing, and then starts singing again on the same note as if she had been singing the whole time. I think my favorite part is when the crowd starts cheering for her. Cheering for her to become a mute.



via break.com

"Tough Love 2" Season PREMIERE!

Tough Love 2 premiered on Sunday night and it I couldn't have been more happy to watch a bunch of lonely v-holes bicker and fight over their own insecurities. It brings a smile to my face. This season, Steve Ward and his linebacker mother have their hands full because these travesties are beat. The good thing though, is that I can resume my quest to complete Steve's "Rules for Dating" list. Aaaaaaaaaaand there's also a surprise guest that totes made my day.
So, without further blabbing, let's meet the new ladies and catch up on our rules after the jump...



Liz "Miss Wedding Belle" Starting off the episode with this girl had me thinking that this season wasn't going to be that exciting. She just wants to get married. Like STAT. Which is fine. Except no dude is Team Pumped for marriage right off the bat. Other than that, she seems pretty norms. She's cute, she's Southern, she's got a great personality, so hopefully she can derail her crazy train and start her push cart down a new track of better relationships. She's actually the first chick on the show to find a semi-legitimate match and Steve sets her up on a date with the dude. Too bad the previews for the season make it seem like that doesn't work out. She's the Jacklyn of this season.

Angel "Miss Closed Off" First off, let's start with this one is a stripper. Surprised? I'm more surprised she is the only one. So, her big issue is that she doesn't open up to people. And the reason for that is because she's a stripper and her job requires her to close herself off to costumers - so naturally she drags that into her actual life. She also has a child. You know, classy all around. Because, like she says, she has to take care of her child and stripping is the easiest way. Seriously?! You couldn't go out and get a secretary job at your local paper company? Or working the line at McDonald's? Or becoming a strip...wait. Welp, of course this is the one that's from my home state of Ohio. Represent. O-H...

Jenna "Miss Body Issues" Fatty alert, fatty alert. Well, sort of. This one used to be a fat girl and then lost a crap ton of weight but still has the mindset of a big'en. No, I don't mean she downs Girl Scout Cookies by the sleeve and washes them down with heavy cream. She's just got that mindset that she'll never be thin enough. Needless to say, on their "first impression" activity, she breaks down because the dudes say she's got some meat on her bones and they like that in a girl. So, yeah, she received the only compliment out of all the girls and she ended up crying real fat tears about it. I have a feeling that it's going to be revealed towards the end of the season that she's been bulimic this whole time. Or she'll take up anorexia to feel better.

Rocky "Miss Off Her Rocker" Now here is the reality TV royalty that I had been waiting for. If you're looking at this painted up implant and wondering why that looks familiar, then you may be recognizing Rocky from the other Vh1 show, I Know My Kid's a Star. And not only was her weave called in to question, but so was the sanity of anyone that watched that show. Rocky is back and setting even better examples for her daughter on this show! Obviously she's from New Jersey. Obviously she's a musician and obviously she has 32 animals living in her house ranging from dogs to chickens. Goooooo normalcy! I'm not entirely sure why she's on this show yet as she seems to be perfect as is.

Tina "Miss Career Obsessed" Generic, lonely business woman syndrome. Luckily she's not a stone cold ice queen. In fact, she seems genuinely friendly and nice. She reminds me of my home girl Hoda Kotb. This one's probably got the easiest fix out of all the girls and I hope she does well because she just gives off that vibe that she deserves happiness. On their first speed-date things, none of the dudes are interested because she treats everything like an interview and isn't too welcoming. Welp, that's easy enough to fix. Cut that top off, throw on some fake lashes, and get your whore-stroll on and you'll be the ride talk of the town in no time!

Sally "Miss Lonely" I kinda feel bad for this one, but then I remember that she's actually the craziest one of them all. Sally is the kinda of girl that is so desperate to be in some sort of relationship that she will go to almost any length to make that happen. I like to compare her to Kathy Bates in Misery or the Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. She's got a little bit of that wonk wonk going on in her head and thus, once she starts dating someone, she feels the need to change herself to make sure that there is nothing that her bf would ever do to leave her. Sheeeee's a real catch.

Alicia "Miss Last Call" In my expert opinion, this girl is the most normal out of all of them. She's just got a bit of soul searching to do. She's a party girl, incredibly attractive, and works at a bar and usually dates morons. I think she just needs to realize that she's not 21 anymore and she'll be fine. This was basically the only one out of the entire harem that I was interested in because she seems to know how to have fun but she's just a tad older than me which is always kinda awesome. I do hope she can get her act together because on first impressions, she's the one that I want to find her true love first because she's got the goods and everyone else seems a bit... batteries not included.


Kanisha "Miss Gold Digger" Miserable. That's all I can say about this muffin face. She has an alias that she gives to dudes - London DuPre - punch in the face. She spends the entire episode complaining about how she's not a shallow, superficial, mega-C, then goes on the Steve-mandated blind-speed-date thing and interrogates each of her dudes like she's interviewing them for a upscale apartment rental. It'd be one thing if she was partially attractive, but that mug is busted. She looks like if Kimora Lee Simmons and Eric Stoltz from Mask had a love child and then beat it with a lead pipe. She's annoying and she's gonna stay annoying for the rest of the show. I can't wait for her to get put in her place. Or quit the show. If she quits the show, I would not be opposed to that in the slightest.

AND FOR THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE...

Taylor "HBIC" That's right. Taylor's back bitches. She was revealed to be on the cast at the very end of the episode with some nasty ass blonde wig on and boy did that make my night! Sure, these other girls got their problems and I'm sure they'd provide for a great season - especially with Rocky and Kanisha going at each other. But let's be real. Taylor is gonna flip this sh*t like it's a table at a real housewives party. I'm not entirely sure what's gonna happen with her this season, but I'm TEAM PUMPED over all of it!

----------------------------------------

And here's the rules of dating so far. We got three new ones this past episode which was better than we were doing at the end of last season. The new ones are bold and italicized.

TOUGH LOVE RULES OF DATING

1: Don’t be weird.
2: Communication is though.

12: Don’t go fishing for compliments

14: Ladies, if you want to kiss a guy, get a little closer. Send the guy some signals.

19: No room for hypocrisy in dating. If you don’t date down, don’t expect dudes to.

21: Only text on a N2K basis

26: Approach everything with an open mind.

31: When revealing a secret, turn a negative into a positive.

33: When asking out a guy, try not to be nervous.

36. A partial truth is still a lie.

44: Keep the past in the past.

48: Put a cork in it. Telling a guy how much you like to drink makes you sound like a loser.

55: Stop staring please.

58: Don’t bring up your wedding plans

70: Less is more, especially when it comes to sexual partners.
71: Most guys love a good catfight. But none of them want to date the “cat”.

73: Don’t try to outthink love. Love is emotional, not cerebral.

75: Shut your yap. Don’t give too much information
76: First date is never the time to air your dirty laundry

84: Don’t assume that the guy you’re dating looks at a dollar bill the same way you do.

91: Don’t use a secret as a weapon.

100: Everyone gets rejected.

What did you think of the season premiere? Who's your fave? And who's your most hated? Kanisha.

Sign of the Robot Apocalypse #3286

I'm all for the iPhone. It's great, it can do things that other phones can only dream of, and all that jazz, but this is going a bit too far. Sure, being able to control a robot with an iPhone is real cool now, but what happens when another robot figures out how to use an iPhone. END.OF.THE.WORLD. You just wait Apple lovers. You'll be the first to go.


[via engadget]

Early Morning Crap

• This is the only time I've ever found anything about E.T. remotely enjoyable. [BuzzFeed]

• CW is gonna marathon it's hit show Vampire Diaries starting on December 14. Expect not to hear from any tweens or lonely mothers that week. [TV Guide]

• Bob Saget has a new show coming to A&E where he explores the eccentric side of America, finally proving once and for all that Danny Tanner wasn't that racist. [Variety]

• Ken Ober of MTV Remote Control fame has died showing just how panicky the internet has become. Twitter rumors turned into false rumors turned into truth. [Zap2It]

• Justin Theroux is joining the cast of Parks & Recreation as a friend of Anne's and a possible love interest for Leslie, which means her cop relationship is coming to an end :( [Ausiello Files]
• And in other Parks & Rec news, Leslie gets caught up in a sex scandal and Will Arnett may be visiting in the future which would be comedy couple craziness. [Watch with Kristin]

• Oprah is planning on another spin-off show in her effort to completely control all of daytime television with her interior designer friend Nate Berkus. Wasn't Dr. Oz enough? [TV Week]
  

Fall Television 2009 - Thus Far

So I've been mega-behind on writing about television and this blog in general so I'm gonna dump all that into one giant post right now. I've been watching a lot of classy as well as a lot of assy, so be prepared for the gamut of everything under the sun. It's gonna be like a Thanksgiving dinner - if your turkey was made out of crap teen dramas and all your side dishes were the comedies on NBC Thursday's that no one watches. DELISH!

MONDAY

• Hereos: Yes, the last few seasons were anything but memorable. It was sometimes a struggle to get through some of the episodes and there often a lot of hype surrounding an event that would eventually be brushed over like the writers forgot what was going on. BUT... This season has been a true testament to how good the show can be. The fun dynamic between Parkman and Sylar, HRG wallowing in despair, a funky circus, and Claire's hair doesn't look like a bad Kim Z wig! It's a good time to be a Heroes fan. Grade: B
  
• Gossip Girl: I wish I could deny my obsession with this show. It's fantastic in that camptastic-teen sort of way. Drama, no-show sex, and Jenny without raccoon eyes. It's a win. Plus, H-Duff has been guest starring which I figured would want to make me murder myself, but instead, I've been truly impressed. Plus, bitch got busy in a much-hyped-about-nothing 3some with Dan and V! And I love Chuck and Blair. Grade: A-
  

Check out the rest of the week after the break...


TUESDAY

• 90210: HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. Grade F-------------
  
• Melrose Place: This show has been surprisingly entertaining - in that shallow CW sort of way. Minus Ashlee Simpson who makes Annie from 90210 look like Meryl Streep. But we don't have to worry about her much more. Not having watched the original, I thought I'd be missing out on some back story, but considering there's not much to go on in the first place, it hasn't been that bad at all. Grade: C
• The Hills: The only thing remotely entertaining about this show is Kristin Cavallari being a mega-c and the fact that Heidi wants a baby and Spencer doesn't. Also, new star of the show? Enzo. Grade: D-
• The City: Only slightly more watchable than it's sister show. Unfortunately, it's being knocked down a grade because they seem to have made Goat Teeth Cutrone a series regular. No one wants to see those can-chompin-teefs! Grade: F
• The Biggest Loser: Tears. I've only seen a few episodes this season, but it's a definite cry baby maker. THEY GET MAKEOVERS TOMORROW NIGHT. Bring the tissues. Grade: A (specifically because they make peoples lives better).
• V: It was one of the best pilots I've ever seen. Exciting, informative, and gripping to the very end. There have only been two episodes so I'm holding off on giving it a grade yet, but let me say that if it keeps up like it started, then this will definitely be a keeper.
  

WEDNESDAY

• Mercy: When I first saw commercials for this show, I assumed it was like ER, but only about nurses. I was wrong. It's much less procedural than ER and much more Grey's Anatomy - and I mean that in a positive way - not a Meridith blows kinda way. The show has continued to grow on me and I'm really enjoy Michelle Trachtenberg's character. There are a few annoyances, like main characters annoying insistence on reminding us she was in Iraq. Hopefully NBC sticks with this one. Grade: B-
• Glee: My favorite new show of the season. The only wah-wah moment I've had with the show is the constant rapping by Mr. Schu. Thankfully, they've toned that one back. Otherwise, this show is awesome. Funny, well written, dramatic in an absurd sort of way, tremendously acted, and the musical numbers!!! Grade: A

THURSDAY

• Community: I'm gonna just come out an say it. I don't find this show that funny or that entertaining. Most people have been raving about this show, but I just can't seem to get into it. Joel McHale's character is just kind of annoying and the side characters are fill me with the mehzles. Unless something changes with the show, I got nothing. Grade: C-
• Parks and Recreation: I've never seen a show jump in quality like P&R did from last season to now. It's like an entirely different show. I enjoyed last season, but I luuuurve this season. It's absolutely fantastic. I have two words for you: Ron Swanson. Grade: A
• The Office: Now that Jim and Pam are married, it kinda seems like the folks over at Dunder Mifflin Scranton are having a hard time figuring out what to do next. There's still been tons of zaniness, but it kinda seems to be missing some of that core Office-ness. Hopefully, they can get back into the swing of things. And I'm really rooting for Andy and Erin. Grade: B
• 30 Rock: Love. It. Like. Always. Seriously, I've been a tremendous fan of this show from the get-go and it continues to shine out nearly everything else on television. Even with it's revolving door of guest stars this season, 3R is able to weave them into a story so seamlessly and intelligently that it doesn't matter who it is. It's just plain AWESOME. Kudos to Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and the rest of the crazy, crazy cast for being so incredible. Grade A
• Real Housewives of...: Welp, we finished up Atlanta and it was what it was. Kim Zolciak is pretty much the star of the series because she just doesn't care what's going on. Nene was kind of lame, the two forgettable ones were forgettable, and Kandi was... new? And we've just started Orange County and aaaaaaalready I hate every single one of them all over again. If I have to see Gretchen's chinplant flapping anymore about Slade I'm going to smother her with Vicki's extra face skin. Grade: D+

FRIDAY

• I don't really watch anything because I'm hardly ever home.

SATURDAY

• Saturday Night Live: You can bitch and complain all you want about this show, but the truth is, it's funny. It has it's off nights, January Jones I'm looking directly at you with a nasty glare, but so does every other show on television. The cast is super strong, yet it often times over utilizes some members to the point of audience burnout. Unfortunately for Kristin Wiig, the main offender, it's hard to continue to watch her reoccurring characters anymore because we see them a few times each weekend. Let the others grow, especially the new kids, and things will only get better. Grade: B-

OTHER RANDOMS:

• America's Next Top Model: Could care less about this cycle.
• Fringe: I feel bad that I stopped watching for no reason. I need to get back into it.
• Trauma: I haven't watched it yet, but I've heard positive things.
• Tough Love 2: Just started. Love it. More to come in a later post.
• Doll House: Gave up on it during it's first season, never got back into it. Don't care that it's canceled.
• Jay Leno Show: Refuse to watch. REFUSE.
• Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins: Same thing as yoozh.

That's my consensus on the Fall season thus far. We'll see how that goes for the rest of the year and what the mid-season replacements will bring to the mix. Who's pumped for Chuck to return!? Let me know what your favo's and hate-o's are this year in the 'ments.