Freezing Looks Like Twenty Ten is Gonna Be Skiing's Year

courtenlow Um, I want to watch this movie and never not be watching this movie. Epic tardary.



After watching the trailer for Freezing, I have nothing more to add to what my hilarious twitter friend stated above... Well, other than why was that pink puffy jacket girl not wearing gloves? Did she lose a really unfortunate bet?

Carrrrrrrrrrrrl.

I need this in my life.




[via uniblog]

Betty EFFING White on Craig Ferguson

Nothing makes a chilly winter day warm up faster than watching the true Queen of Comedy nail it like a speeding car heading towards a confused squirrel. When my Betty White google alert notified me of some BWhites info today, I about broke my arm trying to get my computer off the floor wear I dropped it mid-nap. And as usual, Betty doesn't disappoint. Someone needs to open up a Betty White School of Comedic Timing for all these new kids because even though she's nearing 88 years YOUNG, this HBIC could out funny half of Hollywood.

With only nine more days left in 2009: Celebrity Massacre, I love that Betty isn't afraid to flaunt what she's still got out to the world and show she's not afraid. Though I do hope after the show taped she secluded herself in a panic room full of granola bars, canned soup, a private care nurse, some Werther's Originals and the entire Golden Girls series on DVD until January 1st rolls around.

Don't Forget to Watch "Bad Girls Club" TONIGHT!

Tonight is the episode of Bad Girls Club that I think I've been waiting for the whole season* (*whole season being the preview I saw for this episode last week). It's the episode where someone finally FINALLY beats the chin off of Natalie. I don't know what starts the whole thing, because I'm convinced that no one ever really starts a fight on BGC. They are always in a constant state of bitch, just waiting for one of the other dumpster-baby-rejects to make the wrong comment about who's more of a slut.

This time, that just happens to be Chins. Chins says something about Portia's child back home and, welp, if there's one thing I've learned in my 57 years on this earth, it's that you don't bring up a daytime hooker's bastard baby. Just ain't right. Aaaaand then this happens:



Tonight at 10:00pm EST on OXYGEN. I've already got my boxed wine defrosting in anticipation.

Early Morning Crap

• This video probably isn't what everyone had in mind when they heard Kim Kardashian was in a salad tossing porn [Dlisted]

• NeNe says that she'll be back for Real Housewives of Atlant season 3, but says nothing about Kim Zolciak. She has to be coming back, how else would Kim's mangy albino water rat luscious wig survive without the constant attention? [Zap2It]

• ABC will be airing double episodes of Scrubs and Better Off Ted next month in what seems an attempt to burn off the episodes of the struggling shows. Having exhausted my 'better of dead' jokes last year when I thought that show was gonna get axed, I'll hold off this time. [THR]

• Tom Cruise is being sued for allegedly spying on some dude. I thought we all knew Tommy was spying on us through the power of XENU. [RadarOnline]

• American Idol has released the first print ads of the upcoming 9th season and they're about as boring as the show is going to be without Paula slurring her way through the word Ellencansuckit. [EW]

• Brittany Murphy passed away over the weekend at the age of 32. Not much else can be said about it other than just be mindful of what time you do have and spend it wisely.
  

This is THEBEST Thing to Happen to Me Today

Alia Shawkat did a remake of the the rap-battle scene in Teen Witch, one of the greatest movies of the 80's - especially since it STARRED Zelda Rubinstein. Apparently did this for a friend's 'spring collection' whetevatheeffthatis and I have to say, I'm usually a hatefulsonofabitch when it comes to remaking my classics, but this is just too good of a mix between 80's-Reeses-Pieces-sugar-induced-nostalgia-coma and favorite-people-from-favorite-current-but-canceled-TV-shows not to enjoy.



The magic is still there. TOP THAT!

[via]

I Think if We Enhance This Photo...

...we might be able to see just how overused enhancing things is. Good lord.


This is my favorite video of 2009.


[via PopWatch]

Early Morning Crap

• Glee. Stop it. Stop making me love you more and more and more and more and more and ::BANG:: head 'splode. [Watch With Kristin]

• YouTube released the top 5 most watched videos of 2009 and I'm a little hurt that not even one of these is on the list. [YouTube Blog]

• This is, by far, the most ludicrous 'revelation' in the Tiger Woods Affair(s). So much so that I have no reason to doubt it because who would make this up? [Dlisted]

• 20 years of The Simpson characters all for your viewing pleasure. Be warned. There's a lot going on in this picture. A lot of wonderment. [THR]

• SYFY is having a Chuck marathon on January 7th to prep for season three of the series that will probably be completely ignored all over again. [TV Squad]

• Courtney Love is the best mom. [NY Daily News]
  

Don't Forget to Watch "Bad Girls Club" TONIGHT!

Tonight's episode of Bad Girls Club promises to be full of Trampy McSluts fighting over whether or not Chins gets to stay in the house or not after she donkey punched that one chick in the face while riding in the limo during last week's episode. Let's all pretend that we are full of care.

Check out two previews after the jummmp...



I love that Chins doesn't understand why some of the girls don't even want to hear her out as if she deserves the time of day from Eating Disorder. Sure that drama's gonna be fun and all, but DEAR LORD WATCH FLO LOSE IT.

Tough Love Season 2 - Episode 5

[For this week's Tough Love recap, I have a very special guest to give their opinion recap of the show! This week, my good friend @H_Ram was kind enough to write it up for me since I was a little under the weather. Without further ado...]

This week, Matt decided to do something far more important than watch Tough Love [get drunk and complain about things on Twitter]. Lucky for you, whoever you are, I manage to do those things at home in front of the TV so I can recap things in his place [or not].

After finishing up some black tear business from last week, the WOW factor became our theme, which means that foregoing dinner and a movie for trapezes and skeet shooting. But, I’m getting ahead of myself, because, first was the MISS TOUGH LOVE PAGEANT!

As pageants tend to do, there are swimsuit, talent competition, and Q&A portions. Surprise surprise, former fatty [Jenna] has a meltdown and refuses to take off her cover-up. Instead, she sorta flashes her bikini top in the judges’ direction and says something to the effect of “That’s all you’re gonna get”. Needless to say, no one is impressed.

On to “talent” after the jump!

Taylor butchers the ABCs. Rocky “sings” about using a strap-on and being a bitch. I’m surprised anyone is surprised by this at this point. Liz, always a class-act, has this for a talent:

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the other girls’ “talents”, which is disappointing because I was looking forward to seeing Angel’s stripper skillz. Were all of VH1’s stripper poles being cleaned before re-installation for this season of Ray J?

Q&A is meh. Judges’ feedback: Sally is Miss Tough Love! And, surprise, the judging was blind, so the swimsuit thing didn’t even matter! Whoooooooaaaaaa! Jenna wasn’t trying to not try, but apparently not trying comes naturally to her, as does bitching constantly and, if she’d only get a makeover from Taylor, crying black tears. For now, regular tears must suffice.

Time for some dates. The girls get split up into groups for paintballing, rock climbing, skeet shooting, and trapeze class. Alicia’s not sure if she can date a Jew – no giving up Christmas or having people wear ‘little hats and stuff’ to her wedding! [TOTALLY valid thoughts on a first date, right? Also, she calls being Jewish being ‘that way’ like one of those really old set-in-their-ways people who can’t bring themselves to say the actual words for ‘those people’]

Surprisingly, Taylor manages to climb a rock wall, nails, spray-tan, crazy weave (?) and all. Oooooooof course Jenna won’t have anything to do with the trapeze. She weeps just watching people climb the damn ladder. *Awkward*

Taylor did the best this week for having a sane, rational talk with a man and climbing a rock wall. Guess who did the worst? I’m surprised Steve doesn’t have a rule against crying hysterically on a first date. Here’s how the girls feel about Jenna’s date:

They then jump on her for her attitude like Taylor on that lion she had to kill to get her Simba hair from the first few episodes.

But, hey, guys, take it easy on Jenna, she said she’s not here to make friends!

P.S. Me when Tough Love 2 is over:

----------------------------------------------------------

Now the rules; only one again, and it’s random as hell which is Bolded and Italicized for your read pleasure.

TOUGH LOVE RULES OF DATING

1: Don’t be weird.
2: Communication is though.

4: Remember you dates name.

8: Never let a pretty face fool you.

12: Don’t go fishing for compliments

14: Ladies, if you want to kiss a guy, get a little closer. Send the guy some signals.
14: If you want a guy to kiss you; kiss him. Remember it takes two to tango. (Repeated)

19: No room for hypocrisy in dating. If you don’t date down, don’t expect dudes to.

20: If you never keep your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo coming.
21: Only text on a N2K basis

26: Approach everything with an open mind.

31: When revealing a secret, turn a negative into a positive.

33: When asking out a guy, try not to be nervous.

36: A partial truth is still a lie.

40: When a guy says something nice to you, it's a good thing. Don't argue with him, just say thank you.

44: Keep the past in the past.

48: Put a cork in it. Telling a guy how much you like to drink makes you sound like a loser.

55: Stop staring please.

58: Don’t bring up your wedding plans

59: Under any circumstances, do not fist-bump anyone you might wanna have sex with; it’s like having a tattoo on your knuckles that says “Just Friends”.

70: Less is more, especially when it comes to sexual partners.
71: Most guys love a good catfight. But none of them want to date the “cat”.

73: Don’t try to outthink love. Love is emotional, not cerebral.

75: Shut your yap. Don’t give too much information
76: First date is never the time to air your dirty laundry
77: Don't try to hard. Faking sexy is like bad plastic surgery. It only takes a glance to know it ain't real.

84: Don’t assume that the guy you’re dating looks at a dollar bill the same way you do.

87: If you want to get to know a guy, don't speak with your mouth full.

91: Don’t use a secret as a weapon.

100: Everyone gets rejected.

Don't Forget to Watch "Saturday Night Live"

An all new SNL is on tonight and it's probably going to be the highest rated episode in the history of life because that muscle turd from Twilight is hosting tonight. Taylor Lautner is gonna bring the Twitard Army in full force tonight, so be prepared for spontaneous, mass flooding and deafening sonic booms as the overweight single moms and disillusioned tweenagers across America experience a simultaneous orgasm when he first comes out for his monologue. Heaven help us all.

I am kind of excited for Bon Jovi though simply because I hope they cater their original fans that will be watching tonight the overweight single moms that most likely became moms while listening to one of their songs and play some of their original songs. Not Living on a Prayer for the love of God. I'm not at a karaoke bar and I'm not drunk do let's just forget it.

Shatner Versus Palin in Autobiography Read-Off

Last night on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, everyone's favorite abnormally-spaced-word talker William Shatner was on to read a few excerpts from Gov. Sarah Palin's recently released auto-biography, Going Rogue. And it was good. Because it's Shatner and he makes it pretty tough to ruin anything he does.

After he finishes up, there's lots of applause because, like I said "it was good" and "it's Shatner and he makes it pretty tough to ruin anything he does" in case you forgot. Welp, that applause gets louder when the audience realizes that Sarah Palin is walking out on stage to do the same thing with B-Shats autobio.


BAM! We all got served.

Merry Saturday Morning From the Muppets

The Muppets can do no wrong. FACT.

The Fifth Element Blue Tube Lady Song Sung by a Human

This is, BY FAR, the best video I've seen on the internet today. And probably for the weekend as well. This is a human woman singing that crazy "Diva Dance" song from one of the absolute best most underrated movies of all time, The Fifth Element. It kind of left me speechless to be honest.

When I was in high school, my group of friends the popular jocks and bitchy cheerleaders obvs loooooved this movie. And one of them in particular, liked it just a smidge more than the rest of us. So much so that she would often try to reenact the dance/song sequence which resulted in a lot of flailing arms and sweaty pits. We were so cool.



via BuzzFeed

10 Videos of Animals Getting Shocked by Electric Fences

Happy Friday evening everyone! Most likely, wherever you are right now (if it's in select areas of North America) it's colder than a bitches twat outside that's how that goes right? and you probably don't want to do anything that involves bundling up like this baby. So why don't you warm yourself up with 10 Videos of Animals Getting Shocked by Electric Fences. It's like an early Christmas present if Christmas presents were made to make you laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable. Thanks for the condom Grammy Jean.

I promise none of them are cruel... well. I promise that none of the animals die in any of the videos, though one might already be dead when the video starts. No worries! It's the holidays! HAPPY YAY!


Floppy the Goat


Freedom the Cat



Mr. Pig and friends





Giant Anteater after the juuuuuump...




Stupid Slug



Mr. Boogers (the name was taken right from youtube - but, best cat name ever?)



Here piggy piggy piggy piggy...


OMG THIS BEAR (yeah, I know it's not a fence, but COME ON!)



This lizard... uh... well...



This family of idiots.

And the Winners Are...

Earlier this week, two copies of The Real Housewives of Orange County season one were being given away with the help of some great people at BRAVO. All in conjunction with the big announcement from the cable network that they are finally offering some of their shows online at http://www.bravotv.com/full-episodes. The 'Bethenny versus Kelly' episode of Real Housewives of NY is on there, check it out.

It's probably super lame to claim "it's about time BRAVO," but "IT'S ABOUT TIME BRAVO!" I was tired of scavenging youtube for certain bits and pieces of Launch My Line in an effort to figure out what that show is about. I'm lying, that show scares me.

Anyway, the two winners of the random giveaway have been chosen from the comments and they're mailing information has been passed along to BRAVO and you should be receiving your copies in the next couple of weeks. The winners were...


...and...


Congrats to both and enjoy your prize

Commercial of the Week x2 (Because I'm Slow)

It's been a long time since the last Commercial of the Week and I blame this luckily, there's a little less than a month to get it back up and running. This week, I've got two very, very special treats for you. The first, The Dreamie. Or what appears to be The Snuggie's FAS baby cousin. Just watch...


There are just so many things about this commercial that make it fantastic. So so many. The multiple times they show people sleeping on the floor and compare it to a luxurious bed despite the fact they are SLEEPING ON ROCK HARD FLOOR.

The best line though is, "...and an opening on the side for all of your bedding needs." Surprisingly, that does work for 'all my bedding needs' because 'all my bedding needs' is only BEING COVERED.

The next commercial up to fail is The Perfect Brownie.


The ultimate in LAYZZZZZ baking. I swear that there is just a group of pseudo-scientists-inventors (fat moms) that are just THINKING of ways to continue to fat-up America. It's like an army of Paula Deen's creating cookware. Enjoy your grandma's apple pie squares fat ass.

The Real Housewives of Late Night

The ladies of late night are at it again, but this time there's a little cameo from my two favorite crazies of morning television. Hoda and KLG made an appearance doing what they do best, laughing and drinking like camels.

Pretty sure my favorite part of the episode is when Hoda looks like she's about to laugh or anytime she's on camera.

Say what you will about Jimmy Fallon and his show, but the guys sure nail it with this set of segments. Watching Yvonne eating in literally every.single.interview gets me every time. And how miserable must Renee feel after that spill? Yikes.

Just a Tweet and a GIF About Last Night's "Jersey Shore"

GIF via BuzzFeed

Early Morning Crap

• If I had this instructional video when I was growing up, I might not have wet the bed until I was 34. [EIT]

• It's On With Alexa Chung will not be returning after it's December 17 finale. This news just sucks because I have a friend that works there and now where will we get to see Michelle Collins from BWE.tv act totes re re. [Variety]

• Also not coming back, Flight of the Conchords. Say your prayers for the Rhymenocerous Hiphopopotamus. They will be missed even though I only watched two eppys for the second season. [TV Guide]

• Judge Michael D. Mason has given us all an early Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa present this year by forbidding Jon Gosselin from making any more paid appearances ANYWHERE. Now if we can just get a ruling on what to do with Kate's dead-possum hair. [Zap2It]

• Miley Cyrus's song The Climb has been disqualified from its Grammy nomination which probably will not bother her too much considering it's the Grammys. [EW]

• Kendra gave birth to a healthy baby boy early this morning. Luckily, Kendra has had plenty of experience in wiping dirty butts and breast feeding from living with Hugh Hefner for so long. [People]

• In sadder baby news, Michelle Duggar I know might have had an emergency c-section for her 19th child after only 25 weeks. If this is true, I hope her baby and her are safe and I'm glad her vagina got a rest. [RTM]
  

Bad Girls Club 402: I Run L.A. (With an Iron Chin)

I've had a couple days to recover from the second episode of this season's Bad Girls Club that aired on Tuesday night. It was all about how Jay Leno's Thomas Jefferson baby was trying to control all the other girls. Obviously, the other ladies weren't having it. Well, except for Flo, but she just wanted to get in Natalie's pants. And calling her a 'lady' is like calling the mattress on the floor I sleep on a luxurious, five star hotel suite.

Natalie also continued to be a huge Mega-C to that wounded anorexic chinchilla girl Annie. Jabs over the completely unnecessary way she chooses eggs from an egg carton to ONLY EAT THE WHITES OF, jabs over what bars she likes, jabs over what she wears and how she looks. And the list of Natalie's atrocious personality traits just grows and grows.

One of the highlights of the episode came when the entire house of whorers decided they were going to clean up the place because it smelled like moldy tampons and rancid roast beef. And GUESS WHO STOOD UP TO CHINS?! Read more after the jump...

Surprisingly, Natalie actually helped out, using her chin to dust out the cobwebs in the corners of the room. Welp, my girl Farrah Sinclair 2.0, or Kate if you must, decided she was going for a run and would do her part when she go back. Kind of a bitchy move, but THIS.IS.BADGIRLSCLUB!!!

Natalie wasn't having that at.all. So, she went on a twenty million minute tirade about it. Forever. No, it seriously went on for way too long. I've seen shorter fights between meth-head daytime hookers fighting over a good gas station bathroom.

Watching my fake hottie stand up to Chins was great and all, but it was nothing compared to when the girls went to a 'dive bar' which was still nicer to any bar I've ever been to in my entire life which natch pissed of Natalie. Because she runs L.A. and because dive bars are for people that don't have rampant needs for penises to fill their daddy issue holes.

So Chins starts crying about missing her boyfriend, which gets Flo to wrangle up all the girls back into the limo to peace out. Luckily for us, the viewers of this fine show, Kendra was wasted and got all up in Natalie's Chin's grill - the tipping point being when Kendra yelled "she's from L.A.!" ZING! Because Natalie says runs L.A. guys. She runs it. Natlie runs L.A. Runs it. So she jacks Kendra in the face.

The episode ends with Chins being sent to a hotel and complaining that it better not be a $20 room because heaven forbid she catch crabs. Because they would mate with her current crabs. MUTANT CRABS. The Vagina of Dr. Moreau.

According the previews, the other girls get to decide if Chins gets to stay in the house next week - with one 'no' meaning she has to leave. I could go either way on this one - if she goes, then I don't have to listen to her, but if she goes, then who am I going to hate?

What say you BGC fans? Stay or blow?

Taylor Lautner Does SNL

And Twilight mania is hitting 30 Rock this weekend. Above is the first promo for this week's brand new episode of Saturday Night Live featuring Taylor Lautner or as the kids call him, Muscles McScrunchface. No one calls him that. Twitards are gonna be leaking all over the place when this weekend, so please run out now and get your life rafts and sand bags. "It's gonna be a goose drowner." - My grandpa.

The musical guest this week is Bon Jovi which I can only imagine means we're gonna get a Jon Bovi sketche which they've stretched preeeetty thin recently. And how many sketches out of the night that feature Taylor do you think he has his shirt off? Place your bets in the comments.

A Collar Bell, a Fuzzy Mouse Toy, and Catnip Are All He Needs: MacGyver Cat

This is the kind of video needed on such a day like today. MacGyver Cat is here to turn that frown upside down into a sort of half-snarl. You're such a grouch today. Anyway, enjoy this fun little video. My favorite part is all the various times that the MacGyver Cat is running around because the person making the video is obviously throwing things at it. SCAT CAT!

jezebel via @sexualelf

Early Morning Crap

• The creepy Norway Sky Spiral might not be that terrible alien portal that your mother keeps telling you it is in all those emails. CHILL MOTHER. [Gizmodo]

• Top Chef has a new top chef. Did that big guy win or was it one of those brothers? Check out Best Week Ever's liveblog of the episode. [BWE.tv]

• Jersey Shore is now responsible for death threats against some MTV employees. Shouldn't those death threats be aimed towards the thing actually responsible for this? NEW JERSEY! [Zap2It]
• Tila Tequila is now iEngaged to some Paris Hilton wannabe. ::cricket chirps:: Welp, guess we can all go back to caring about more important things... like Lindsay Lohan's India trip. So noble that one. [TV Guide]

• Gary Busey and his girlfriend are expecting a child, Busey's third. If there's one person in this world that really needs a child in his life, it's definitely the totally normal and grounded Gary Busey. You know, the not crazy at all Gary Busey. GARY BUSEY. [People]

• Michelle Obama was chosen as Babara Walters most interesting person of 2009. Look how far we've come America! First a black president, and now a black most interesting person! We're so diverse!! [EW]
  

John Cusack is Wrong, World Ending on January 4, 2010

what.the.vh1.reject.hell.is.this? Everyone at ABC Programming needs fired. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not escape swinging blades. Conveyor Belt of Love and the premise is simple. Dumb, wannabe actresses 'act' like they need a date, then watch a bunch of dudes, some uggo plants, some actual dudes, some wannabe actors plead their case while riding one by one on a conveyor belt of shame.

This thing doesn't even deserve third tier cable network let alone BROADCAST TELEVISION. This is just a jokes throw away from being a Saturday Night Live sketch. No, scratch that. This is a fat Asian away from being a MADtv sketch. CANCELED. ouch

Anyway killmyself this tremendous example of meth-induced programming will be airing right after The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love - doubleuteef*ck kind of title is that? on January 4th. Mark your calendars with blood.

Ummmm. Fake?

As much as I want to scream "fake" about this video, which has nothing to do with the video itself and completely everything to do with the fact that that hobgoblin, Debrah Norville, is the one reporting it. Not even an ounce of truth has ever dribbled out of that crooked whore mouth.

Despite the shortcomings of the the 'reporter' feeding us the story, the issue itself just seems crazy. At first I was skeptical, but now that I've watched it several times I'm 112,832 of the views on youtube I've decided that it's just too weird to make up. And why would Desiree make this up? What's she got to gain from it? She wanted to be a pro-cheerleader, how would this help? Plus, I did some extensive research wikipedia search and found out that this 'dystonia' is actually a real thing. Looks like Debbie did her research too.

Anyway, it seems to be all good now since Desiree is apparently doing fine. Debs did a follow up story and things are going well for backwards walker. Weirdly, she still has speech issues when she talks about the time frame where she was a re re cripple.

P.S. - Debs can DIAF.



thanks GaryBeary

FUG WITH A CAPITAL FUG

This.is.a.travesty. Entertainer of Love is coming, but it's been renamed A Basement Affair. Granted, that makes much more sense once you've gotten a look at some of these girls. They belong in basements and out of the sight of the elderly and people with a fear of raw meat. Carnaphobia if your nasty. Thanks wikianswers.

Anyway, while I was watching Tough Love 2 the other night, I saw a commercial for ABA and it looks like every dumpster baby saved in North Jersey from 1985 to 1990 was hand selected to participate in this show. Vh1 has completely outdone themselves. And we thought the train wrecks from the Rock of Love series were bad. These girls look like the garbage-train wrecked into the garbage-sea causing a garbage-tidal wave that washed away all of humanity. F.U.G.

Check out the run over down of the 'girls' after the break.



Ann - or Mann. I swear she looks like Paul Reubens in drag.

Cathy - Has a wonk eye that rivals Paris Hilton's.

Christi - I'd say "okay" to this one, but her face is a different color than her body.

Dana - No.

Felicia - Looks like she just smelled her own fart.

Jennifer - Congrats, you win "most normal looking." How's that feel?

Jessica - Skeletor wants his face back.

Kari - Now that's a set of crazy eyes.


Kerry - I don't know what's more off-putting: her smile, her 'high face,' or her excellent dye job.


Mandy - WHO LET MY MOTHER ON THIS SHOW?!


Melissa - She looks pretty decent. Except I'm pretty sure when her hair moves, it sounds like someone walking on Cap'n Crunch.

Melody - Hasn't slept in days.


Renee - Glamour shots by Deb.


Stephanie - I can't stop looking at her arm tumor.


Tammy - Her mouth belongs on a chinchilla.


This trash heap premieres on January 3rd. Who's your favorite girl?!

My 2009 'To-Do-List' is Complete

Last night I was tasked to make use of a pork tenderloin in a way that was both edible and delicious for my roommates. Now, I'm not gonna brag, but I'm a good cook. Like real good. Better than most I'd say - but I was a little worried about what to do with the tenderloin.

So, I looked in some cook books. PORK FAIL. I looked on Martha Stewart's website. PORK FAIL. I looked on Rachael Ray's website. PORK FAIL. I was getting a little discouraged because there just wasn't a recipe that seemed to speak to my gut directly and whisper sweet nothings in it's ear. That was until I remembered the Queen of Delicious - Paula EMEFFING Deen.

Soooo, after exploring the golden pages of amazement and hunger quashing recipes, I settled upon one that just so happened to rub my taste buds the right way. Caramelized Pork Loin. Mine seen above didn't quite turn out as gorgeous as the one in the recipe, but I'd definitely say the taste compared. PORK WIN.

Naturally, I felt it necessary to tell the world through twitter just how good it really was. And it was good. DELICIOUS. Best. Everyone in my house went to bed fully and happy... and full.

This morning though, was the greatest surprise. Once I woke up and pulled my laptop over to me, making sure not to allow any more flesh to be exposed to the cold air than necessary, I noticed the most thrilling thing the internet has ever done for me...

FIND OUT AFTER THE JUMP!

PAULA EMEFFING DEEN TWITTERED ME!

Completely satisfied.

Meet 'Dancing Pedro' - Beyonce Better Check Herself

Now before you watch, I do want to warn you that this video might be a little bit jarring, but fear not... it gets pretty awesome pretty quickly.

This is Pedro and Pedro loves to dance. According to his YouTube page, Pedro has a very rare birth defect called Caudal Regression Syndrome that caused his spinal cord not to develop properly. Welp, that hasn't stopped Pedro from getting his hair did and breaking it down like it's no one's business.

I'm telling you, Beyonce better watch her back because Pedro is right there behind her. Plus, even though the only things I know about Pedro come from his youtube account and this video, I can already tell that he's more of a star than Bey could ever wish to be. Do yourself a favor and check him out.



thanks for the tip @MishInNJ

The Angel of Music SIIIIIINGS!

The Angel of Music from ATL was on Ellen yesterday and was able to serenade the audience with her number only one single Tardy for the Party. It was a performance to sleep through die for.

Supposedly, Kim Zolciak's performance got cut off during actual airing of the show which totally gave America the sadbears. But no worries, Kim assured everyone on her twitter account that her musically enlightened performance went on just fine as you can see in the video. This is how a true artist handles such a situation. Class and humor.

Hopefully this won't be the last time this year that the Angel of Music performs for the masses because now that the Ellen audience has gotten a taste of the sweet, sweet melody... they won't be able to live without it.

Early Morning Crap

• Disney Zombies would have really made my childhood more interesting. Also, I probably would have grown up to be an ax murderer. [BuzzFeed]

• Tiger Woods supposedly 'payed to play' with Jamie Jungers, which allowed Jungers to get lipo on her thighs - which is obviously the most important news to come out of this train wreck yet. [NYP]

• The Biggest Loser had it's finale last night announcing this season's winner for the only show on television that starts off making all of America feel better about themselves and finishes with making all of America develop an eating disorder. [TV Guide]

• CBS has canceled As the World Turns after 54 seasons. Certainly this comes as a shock to all the tens of tens of people watching. P.S. - My babysitter after morning kindergarten always made us take naps when this came on so she wouldn't have to worry about us. [Variety]

• Hulu has added five episodes of MST3K to its ranks meaning I won't be leaving my bed for an extra hour or so for the next five days. [TV Squad]

• In honor of Glee going on midseason hiatus after tonight's episode, here are the 10 best quotes by the venomously hilarious Sue Sylvester. [Zap2It]
  

The Technology is Finally Here to Recreate My Favorite Movie Scene of All Time

A bio-tech company has created a bionic set of fingers that allow people with missing digits to do many of the things that they were prevented from doing in the past because of their disability. ProDigits, the bionic fingers are pretty cool, if not a bit gigantic on the lady test subjects hand. Fast forward to the 1:20 mark to see it in action.

FINALLY!! -- is all I'm going to say. No, I don't have a need for a bionic hand. I'm already made entirely of metal. But, this new development in rehabilitation technology will finally give me the chance to faithfully recreate my favorite cinematic scene of all time. AKA: The greatest scene in film's history... which is after the break...



PSYCHE! Ugh, sorry. Pissed at myself. I spent 45 minutes looking through every Chinese video website I know of I speak Chinese. I don't. Nothing. It was FAIL on my part. I'm an internet novice. Stop with the judging wizkids.

Anyway, the scene is from I Know Who Killed Me, the Lindsay Lohan masterpiece featuring a scene where one of Lindsay Lohan's characters (she's so good there are two) Dakota is equipped with a robotic hand because her's mysteriously falls off because her twin Aubrey (also LiLo - it's like Parent Trap: The Sequel: Worst) has her hand cut off Mr. Norquist, her piano teacher/kidnapper/rapist, and thus - through the 'twin stigmata' effect - Dakota does too. I don't know if that made any sense, but it's probably more clear than the movie.

So, when Dakota finally confronts Piano Teach Norquist, there's a bit of a fight, and luckily her robot hand is so robotic, she's able to hold him down while she saws his hand off with the blue blades that he uses on his victims. It's very intense.

FIND THIS MOVIE AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW.


via gizmodo

2009 in Autotune

Autotuning is so 2009. Which is kinda the point. Here's my new jam o' the day. It's a little diddy of some of the more memorable things that happened in 2009. Looking back, did we really waste an entire year on some of these people?!


via break.com

Michael Bay Reimagines Megan Fox's Transformer Audition for Victoria's Secret Commercial

Not enough explosions amiright? Michael Bay's commercial for the lingerie chain seems a bit light on the pyrotechnics if you ask me. I was fully expecting the helicopter at :26 to come crashing down in a fiery wreckage. And when the three ladies are power strutting through the house towards the end, I was just waiting for the whole thing to be collapsing in EXPLOSION behind them.

I was also really hoping for the Vicki's models to all be wielding guns firing in the air at giant robot ships. I think that would have related much more to the women of this day in age. This was a bra ad after all right?


via BuzzFeed

Early Morning Crap

• Lindsay Lohan, just doin' her best to keep her public image out of the gutter and into the sluttier, druggier gutter. [ONTD]

• This Tiger Woods thing is getting weird and sort of uncomfortable. Earlier this morning, an unidentified 'middle-aged woman' was rushed to the hospital from Tiger's home. Some are suspecting it's Elin Wood's mother. Others are expecting it's your own mother. [TMZ]

• Also in Tiger Woods news, it's been revealed that he was admitted into the hospital last Friday because of an overdose, though no one knows for what drugs. [Zap2It]

• Elizabeth Banks is paying a visit to 30 Rock as a new love interest for Jack. So, can someone just give E-Banks her own show already?! Srsly. [Ausiello Files]

• Lady Gaga met The Queen last night looking like an 80's prom dress re-imagined as a red leather shower curtain. And don't get me started on her vagina lip eye-wear. [dlisted]

• In the 'let's all go eat a pie' news of the day, Tori Spelling and Candi Spelling having reconciled. This is the biggest news since noonecares. [People]

• And finally, the best link you will click on all week. The top 40 One-Hit Wonders of the 2000's! So many memories. [Billboard]

Real Housewives of Orange County Season 1 DVD Giveaway!

Here we go 'pantsers. Someone come up with a better name for my readers. The first ever giveaway on I Matt My Pants! And it's a good one! BRAVO and my marketing friend Kat has graciously supplied me with two (2) copies of the first season of Real Housewives of Orange County to give to my wonderful readers out there. You remember, the one that started it all! Back before Kim Zolciak's wig ruled the roost, before we were introduced to Jersey tableflippers, and back when the world had no idea who Jill Zaaaaaaarin was. It was a much different time back then, with 5 women Vicki, Lauri, Jo, Kimberly, a Jeana who weren't ashamed to flaunt their wealth - well, except for Lauri. Poor bitch.

It's to celebrate the you can now watch some of your favorite BRAVO shows online! Finally. All you have to do is head over to http://www.bravotv.com/full-episodes and check it out!!!

Anyway, entry is easy. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post explaining who your favorite OC housewife is. It can be from any of the 5 seasons of the RHofOC, as long as you let me know why you chose them. All comments must be made by Thursday, December 10 at 11:59 pm (eastern time). Two (2) winners will be chosen at random from the comments on December 11 and contacted for their mailing information (no worries about shipping costs, it's on the house). Only one comment per person please. More than one comment will disqualify you from the contest. Also, only United States residence allowed. Sorry folks, but that's the way it goes.

You can help spread the word on twitter by posting:

Post a comment for a chance to win REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY season 1 on DVD! http://tinyurl.com/ybznvqk #RealHousewivesOC #IMMP

So let's hear it! Who is your favorite Orange County housewife?

Tough Love Season 2 - Episode 4: Black Tear Heaven

Yikes. The first 20 minutes of last night's episode was just wow. There's emotionally busted women, and then there's empty shampoo bottles of humanity left on the over-the-shower-head-rack to grow mildew and rot busted women.

The episode was aptly titled Daddy Issues because the girls were forced to write letters to their mother's one night stands fathers to explain why they are all so if you seek amy'd up. After watching, it made you wonder if Vh1 only looked at the applicant's respons for the question... Please circle all that apply. Did you A.) have no dad. B.) have a dad that left you. C.) have a dad that beat/molested you or D.) all of the above and more. Obviously, they only chose the girls that circled "D" with their tears.

Needless to say, as you can tell by the picture, there was a lot of crying. Crying over missing daddies. Crying over adopted daddies. Crying over daddies that left. Crying over daddies that weren't mean enough. Crying over daddies that were too mean. Daddies & tears. Daddies & tears. It was like a bring your father to school day for the local trailer park. "And what's your father do Jenny?" "My mommy says that Jerome is her black magician!"

Keep reading after the cut like my wrists for the lowdown on the rest of the episode SPOILER: PRINCESS PARTY! and for the rule yeah, no "s" it was only one Steve gave the girls this week.

It was emotional for the girls. And it really struck one of the heart strings of MILFY, Steve's mother. As you can see, she was a total mess throughout listening to the letters.


Steve... not so much.


After the girls were done, Steve brought them all dates. Taylor was excited because she finally got 'her man' to smother visit with. The date for all the women/men was babysitting a bunch of trampy little girls during a Princess Party. Some did great (Rocky, Angel, the other boring ones), others did terrible (obvs Taylor). She was too busy doing the activities herself than to care if the little girl was being entertained or had drowned in the pool. Big yellow boas are more important than explaining odd facial burns and leg casts to the girls' parents.

In the end, it was an eye opener for Liz - who broke up with her sack of muscles because she can't deal with a man that doesn't butcher baby deer for a living. And Angel told her boy that she was a stripper/mother who isn't? Also, Taylor got her mascara'd heart ripped out when her guy told Steve that she was kind of too much at times. T couldn't believe it and basically had a full fledged melt down in the hot seat. And because of that, we got two of THE GREATEST black tear moments in Tough Love history.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

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Now the rules. We only got one this week and it was kind of lame. But enjoy it nonetheless. It's bolded and italicized just for you.

TOUGH LOVE RULES OF DATING

1: Don’t be weird.
2: Communication is though.

4: Remember you dates name.

8: Never let a pretty face fool you.

12: Don’t go fishing for compliments

14: Ladies, if you want to kiss a guy, get a little closer. Send the guy some signals.
14: If you want a guy to kiss you; kiss him. Remember it takes two to tango. (Repeated)

19: No room for hypocrisy in dating. If you don’t date down, don’t expect dudes to.

20: If you never keep your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo coming.
21: Only text on a N2K basis

26: Approach everything with an open mind.

31: When revealing a secret, turn a negative into a positive.

33: When asking out a guy, try not to be nervous.

36: A partial truth is still a lie.

40: When a guy says something nice to you, it's a good thing. Don't argue with him, just say thank you.

44: Keep the past in the past.

48: Put a cork in it. Telling a guy how much you like to drink makes you sound like a loser.

55: Stop staring please.

58: Don’t bring up your wedding plans

70: Less is more, especially when it comes to sexual partners.
71: Most guys love a good catfight. But none of them want to date the “cat”.

73: Don’t try to outthink love. Love is emotional, not cerebral.

75: Shut your yap. Don’t give too much information
76: First date is never the time to air your dirty laundry
77: Don't try to hard. Faking sexy is like bad plastic surgery. It only takes a glance to know it ain't real.

84: Don’t assume that the guy you’re dating looks at a dollar bill the same way you do.

87: If you want to get to know a guy, don't speak with your mouth full.

91: Don’t use a secret as a weapon.

100: Everyone gets rejected.