Because what would a Sunday night watching a national awards show for the past year's musical acts be without a liveblog? Especially for an award show that is even less relevant than me trying to figure out something that's more relevant. Especially when I've been voming/pooing a liquid substbance that's the same color as Snooki's skin. Especially for a night when there's also a super irrelevant sports game on. Especially when Kenny G is a big 'red carpet' guest. JayKay, no KG hate from me. That sax is max. And his son looks like he's got da debil in him.
Anyway, liveblog starts at 8:00pm. Pour yourself a mug of Franzia and join me for a night of things that will probably culminate in Lady Gaga murdering a litter of puppies live on stage while rolling around in their blood. START FROM THE VERY BOTTOM AND WORK YOUR WAY UP! And keep that refresh button reaaady.
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11:28 - And that's that. This was a night that I hope to forget as soon as I fall asleep tonight. Thanks for sticking it out with me and have an awesome Monday morning.
11:27 - What a year that curly haired Asian girl is having.
11:25 - ALBUM OF THE YEAR: TAYLOR SWIFT
11:23 - I think the only office pools that should be associated with The Grammys are betting on how long the show ends up being and by what percentage the viewership was down from the year before.
11:19 - This show. Come on CBS.
11:17 - The shot of Taylor Swift attempting to sing along to Drake's performance may be the best part of the show.
11:14 - I actually think Lil Wayne's "pants on the ground" are more grating to me than the fact that half this performance is being muted by censors.
11:13 - Whatever Quentin Tarantino was on, I want nothing to do with it. Nor do I want his old lady wardrobe.
11:12 - DEAR LORD, PLEASE END THIS SHOW. LOVE MATTHEW
11:09 - If you're still with me... thank you. I share your pain.
11:05 - My stomach hurts and I'm tired and now I have to watch this performance?
11:03 - Lady Gaga. Your Crystal Wonders outfit isn't fooling anyone.
11:01 - I've never seen a "In Memoriam" segment of an awards show where I recognized less people.
If only all business trips were as lazy as this. This cat is more relaxed throughout the entire trip than I am errr... ever. This cat is how I want to spend the rest of my life - in a near comatose state that'd make A.N. Smith jealous, while wearing an adorable pair of glasses and a coller-n-tie combo. Nothing more. Nothing less. It's fine. People would understand why I had nothing on from the neck down because I'm full of relax. AND THOSE GLASSES!
My brain has never hurt more than when watching people walking. Or not walking. Or eff. [urlesque]
Jay Leno went on Oprah yesterday and boo hoo hooed himself to all of America. I don't know why he want's a pity party when he's getting exactly what he's wanted the whole damn time. Jay Leno is a sore winner. [TV Guide]
Jay Leno is also a tattle tale and a liar. [Zap2It]
These are the best celebrity pictures you will see all day, maybe even all weekend barring any topless Salma Hayek pictures that pop up *fings xed!* [Dlisted]
Glee's getting some new cast members when the show returns in 2024 and one of them is a boyfriend for Kurt! The other is a male Mercedes which I could probs do without, but it's Glee so I'm down. [Ausiello Files]
Michael Lohan is working super hard to take back the "Father of the Year" award that he lost to Jon Gosselin in aught-nine. [People]
Michael Jackson's doctor is probably going to be charged sometime in the next week with involuntary manslaughter for, you know, killing Michael Jackson with more drugs than a Lohan Christmas. [TMZ]
The Jersey Shore cast might have gotten the raise they wanted for next season as it seems MTV caved to their requests of $10,000 per episode. Do you know how many bumpits you can buy with that!?!! [Variety]
Denise Richards is claiming that her ex-husbo, Charlie Sheen, was abusive in their relationship. Not physically. Just verbally. Let's give credit where credit's due... high fives to Charlie Sheen for not hitting Denise because, well... it's Denise Richards. [TV Guide]
Anna Nicole Smith has been dead for nearly three years now, but people are still digging up dirt on just how meeeeeessed up that poor woman was. Like how she had misplaced two (2) pieces of jewelry worth nearly $1 million that have never been recovered (not even a joke). [MSNBC]
The CW is working on an actress crossover between Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries with Leighton Meester and that chick from VP. If this happens, I hope they send Dorota over as well and she comes back to the Upper East Side as a Queen of the Damned. [Zap2It]
Kevin Federline claims that the depression from his failed marriage with Britney was unsurprisingly one of the main reasons behind his recent weight gain. Surprisingly not mentioned? His addiction to Peanut Butter TastyKakes. [People]
Rumors are aging that Sex And The City 3 might already be filming to ensure the stars look as young as possible when it's released in a few years. It's also believed the CGI effects from Avatar will be used to prevent the audience from thinking it's a horror movie during Kim Catrall's sex scene. [PopCrunch]
Last night's episode of Hoarders was just like any other. Two people, endlessly trapped in their own homes by their own doing simply because they canNOT bear to part with the most meaningless possessions that they have acquired throughout their lives. It's like living with a heightened version of your aunt that used to collect all those McDonald happy meal toys. Except the "toys" are actually "garbage" and "human feces" and "dead cats" though last night's episode had a surprising lack of petrified felines.
But last night did have two things different than any other episode. The first being the lovely anvil shaped woman in the picture above, Leanne. Her husband Warren lost his dad in a tragic van driving experience and ever since had been collecting various machine parts/scrap metal/tools to the point that their home was P.A.C.K.E.D. Leanne was so fed up with Warren's hoarding that she threatened to take their small son who was a neat freak and probs has stuffed animals as friends away if Warry didn't get his sh*t gone.
Weeeeeeeeeelp, little did the viewer me know, Leanne herself was the the main problem. Big B was a hoarder herself and one that was BENT on making sure she didn't throw aaaaanything away. All the meanwhile blaming her poor husband who had dead-dad-van syndrome for their house mess.
Luckily, when Matt "Ain't Taken Your Bull Woman" Paxtonquite possibly the star of Hoarders told Leanne point blank that she was just as bad as her husband, she decided to jump on board the Chuck-Yo-Junk Express.
The other thing that stuck out to me on Hoarders was....
ThatGail from Washington had an issue with her right eye lid.
Devastated. Just look at that picture. LOOK.AT.IT. Kate why? Why did you have to succumb to the dark powers of the Chin? You had so much promise last week, sticking it to Chins and everything. And this week, you go and break my heart.
As you can see, on this week's Bad Girls Club, some sort of brain slug crawled out of Natalie's messed up weave and slithered inside Kate's head where it has taken up residence. Why this has happened, I am not sure. But if it continues, I'm going to have a serious problem. If by the end of the episode, Kate has started looking more like male to female Jay Leno conversion, then I might have to fly out to L.A. and intervene the show already stopped taping months ago, so...yeah.
Obviously, Kate's transition to the Chin Side causes some friction with the other girls. Which seems to culminate at some overpriced club they all go to. Annie's balls seem to have finally spelunked out of the caverns that her shrunken stomach and intestines left and are making an appearance for the first time this week. Which everyone has been waiting for. When you try to hold the crazy in and cover it with the 'nice girl' act, it's only a matter of time before your vagcano erupts.
Check out another preview after the jump of Annie having it up to HERE with Chins.
I'm so upset about this whole Kate/Chins thing that I might have to buy a couple boxes of Entemann's Soft Batch Cookies to wallow in during tonight's episode.
Nikon held a 140 second long film festival, which might not seem like a lot, but when you consider that the internet has effectively reduced our attention span to that of a mouselink goOes to a video and it's kinda 'larious it's actually pretty fitting. Plus, the thought of having to judge a bunch of amateur videos makes me want to cut off my foot, so I can only imagine how the judges would have felt had the length limit been longer.
Above is the winning video entitled Chicken vs. Penguin. It's basically if the chicken fight scene in Family Guy had a baby with the Omelet-ville sketches with Justin Timberlake on SNL. Then that baby had a baby with the baby that Michael Cera and Ellen Page had. Then you took that baby and dolled it all up and put it in front of a camera and made some magic happen. It's exactly like that.
Dinosaur Ballet has cured me of my 'wrong side of the bed' syndrome I woke up with today. [BuzzFeed]
CBS is being urged by various women's groups not to air a commercial about Tim Tebow's mother, who ignored doctors recommendations to get an abobo when she was pregnant with Tim because it might sound "anti-abortion." I wish I would have aborted this bullet point. [TV Guide]
Spartacus' premiere was a big success for Starz - it was the biggest opener for a show on the network. I'm surprised that so many people were interested in seeing incredibly graphic violence and intense sex scenes a dramatic retelling of the great slave uprising against the Roman Republic. [Variety]
Taylor Lautner's hometown newspaper is asking for Valentine's/Birthday wishes to the star that they will then forward to his L.A. office. I'm assuming that the Grand Rapids Press is assuming they'll be getting a bunch of tweener girls sending in letters. But you know what happens when you assume! It makes an ass out of all the overweight, lonely, cat women across the country. [Zap2It]
Tyra Banks announced a new modeling competition for plus sized teen girls. Because if there's anything that a fatty prepubescent girl wants, it's to be paraded around in weird clothes and criticized for not being able to smize. [People]
Tilda Swinton said she "would just be only too happy" to play Conan O'Brien in a Late Night HBO made for TV movie. Excellent, now someone just needs to get a hold of Balrog for Leno and Jeremy Piven for Jeff Zucker. [Movie|Line]
Guess Who? was a pretty lame game from my childhood but it didn't stop me playing it pretty much anytime I was over at my friend's house who lived across the street I didn't own it, we were poor. Srsly, it's a game about identifying uggos by asking questions and yet it'd entertain me for hours. HOURS. Sometimes I wonder if I'd grown up with an undiagnosed learning deficiency that I overcame in my later years.
Anyway, I'm sure Milton Bradley has redone and glammed up this game for the new millennium and it now features big muscular jock-like guys and women that look like Bratz-dolls, but that's what children look like nowadays so it's fine.
Well, some dudes from another country I'm gonna guess Finland took it upon themselves to set up a giant game of Guess Who using 40 Nokia Booklet 3G netbooks that they just had lying around. But instead of using dead celebrities or famous internet cats, they used well known Nokia websites. Just... wow.
Occasionally I go perusing through the news around the area of the farming town in Ohio where I grew up and occasionally I find something amazing. Today was one of those days. My local news channel's website linked to a news story from the Dayton Daily News about the world's oldest set of conjoined twins!
Ronnie and Donnie Gaylon are 58 years old and have been living in their hometown since they stopped traveling with a circus in 1991. Growing up, their father took them around the country's carnival circuit as a sideshow to support their family back home. And being no strangers to the public eye and according to wikipedia, the brothers went on The Jerry Springer Show in 1997 this just keeps becoming more awesome.
The actual story from the DDN was about how some group is stepping in to conjoined-twin proof their brother's house so that they can stay with him now they they are older and unable to completely care for themselves.
Christian Youth Corps. Inc. will supervise and fund a project that will create door widths able to accommodate the two. Also, a system will be constructed to hoist the brothers into and out of bed, the shower and other locations.
The Galyon brothers also will get a new wheelchair and a new bed.
HOW DID I MISS THIS GROWING UP?! We have so many carnivals, circuses, and county fairs their bread and butter I'm sure in Ohio that I feel like it would have been nearly impossible for me to miss the oldest conjoined twins! But somehow I did.
Seeing how they walk it makes me wonder if they ever gave rides on their conjoined middle. They're like a little human horse.
There's even a little video about their lives you can watch after the juuuump!
Brendan Fraser, you clap-happy son of a bitch. [BuzzFeed]
Jersey Shore season 2 hasn't even been announced yet don't worry it will and the contract negotiations are already heated. Hopefully, MTV and the cast just smoosh and make up soon. I miss my Guidos and Guidettes. [TMZ]
Nielsen Ratings have finally decided to start adding internet viewership to it's television ratings tabulations. Though they won't start until Fall '10. And won't be considered in with the rest of the ratings until February '11. Aaaaaand they won't be using any ratings from Hulu or the main networks websites. This sounds like #win /sarcasm. [Variety]
Avatar was number one at the box office again this weekend bringing in a gajillion dollars and will soon overcome Titanic as the highest grossing film of all time. This news was followed by James Cameron announcing that he's now the majority shareholder of THE WORLD. [TV Guide]
Gary Coleman has been cast as the title character in the Hollywood remake of the smash 2003 hit, Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood. [Dlisted]
John Gosselin is in Park City Sundance?!? amidst rumors that he'll be moving there permanently. In other news, four Ed Hardy stores have opened today in Park City as well as a Bosley Hair Treatment Center. [Zap2It]
Thank You Berry Much may be t to the a to the s-t-e-y girl you tasty, but they will never, eeeever replace the deliciousness that is Tagalongs. [SlashFood]
The Real Housewives of New York are back on March 4th PTL because I'm tired of those broke bitches in the OC and it's gonna be a grand ol' time. In the preview clip above, we get a glimpse of Bethenny Frankelwho's getting her own show posing nude, a glimpse of Simon probably getting ready to 'parent' something, and also a glimpse of Romana's crazy-homeless-person-outside-a-Burger-King-eyes ogling Kelly's two-positively-charged-chest-balls.
I'm sure that Kelly's boobs are messed up and trying to get as far away from each other just about as much as a music career is looking to get away from Heidi Montag. But how in the hell would Ramona be able to see that? Her eyes haven't looked in the same direction since she crawled up out of her crypt in 1898. Imagine you're a chihuahua that fell in a while. Eyes go crossed. That's what it's like seeing through the eyes of Ramona.
Certainly, Keyboard Cat will be remembered for the countlessmeans of enjoyment that he provided us all with. He's just become one of those internet feenomz that will live out his life forever and ever over the information highway.
And now we have Keyboard Dog, who might not be nearly as original as his predecessor, but gosh darnit if that chubby little face, slobbery tongue, and adorable navy slanket aren't enough to win you over, then by golly sir (or madam), you are just a heartless c*nthole.
A court in Poland is allowing Leszek Bielenda to keep his 10-month old lion cub Simba. How long before that same court is allowing Simba to be put down after he kept Leszek Bielenda in his belly? [BuzzFeed]
Conan O'Brien and NBC have officially struck a deal for his exit. $32 million for Coco, $12 million for his staff, and legions of spiteful internet-ians willing to do whatever it takes to make sure Jay Leno fails. [Today Show]
Upside? NBC has ordered three more episodes of Community and two more episodes of Parks and Recreation, plus a slew of episodes for some of their other shows. For NBC being in such a giving mood, it sure does take a lot to like them these days. ::badum-ching:: [Zap2It]
Snooki opened up to The Insider about her eating disorder saying that she was down to a minuscule 80 pounds at one point. She realized there was a problem when she looked more like an orange martini than an Oompa Loompa. [TV Guide]
Tara Reid is engaged. For her wedding she'll have something old: her mother's wedding dress, something new: a classy pair of Manolo Blahniks, something borrowed: her best friends garter, and something ew: Her stomach. [People]
John Edwards admitted to being the father of his mistress' child today after nearly two years of denying it, which goes to show, if you deny a truth long enough, eventually no one cares either way. [MSNBC]
If the picture to the right is any indication, Bad Girls Club is going to be full of tea parties and playful pillow fights tonight.
Errrrrr, not. This fight isn't over who lowered their pinky when sipping on their cup of English Tea. Apparently, Amber ran her mouth about being less than understanding to HeavyFlo's "door swings both ways" policy and the she-beast came out.
I really hope that HFlo goes after tonight's episode and after the beat down hair throw that she gives Amber because, in all honesty, I've grown to hate her voice more than Chin's. Anytime anything happens, HF goes off like someone raped her mother right in front of her. As much of a "bad girl" as she may be, there's only so much of yelling I can take. I respect a bad girl that plots silently for the downfall of the others much more than the ones that attempt to yell to sound more intelligent/powerful.
Aaaaaaaalso, the queen bitch of beat downs, Portia, is back in tonight's episode assuming for just a hot second for some photo shoot or something. Natalie's chin is not impressed.
Let's say that Robots have become self aware and are now replicating on their own and for some reason have turned against humanity it's gonna happen because they view us as an imperfect scar on the planet. Okay, so now let's say you and your family have survived the first wave of the massacre and are hiding out in a high rise somewhere, barricaded in a pretty secure storage closet. The robots can't get in the door. You're save. And luckily you've got a small window to get some fresh air in and collect rain water.
TOO BAD THAT WINDOW IS YOUR DOWNFALL. The robots in these videos climb walls. They climb walls to hunt out their human prey and eviscerate them. That first one is already part of my nightmares.
This is exactly how I feel about the upcoming and thankfully final season of Lost. If I hear "ZOMG YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS SHOW" from any of my friends this time around, I'm defriending them on facebook. [ONN]
Jay Leno is a turd. Say what you want about NBC being the worst at every decision they've made which they have, but Leno is about the most disingenuous person on television. [Zap2It]
Though, Jeff Zucker, the king of the the turds, sits high upon his thrown of human excrement and wallows in his own filth while destroying everything about NBC one dumb at a time. [Vuture]
The Golden Globe Awards weren't a gigantic ratings flop like usual, actually up 10% from last year. Which is about the only good news coming out of NBC right now. [Variety]
Glee has Sue Sylvester fighting over Mr. Schue aaaaand singing when the show comes back in April. I'm hoping that she sings My Heart Will Go On. [TV Guide]
Despite cleaning up at the Golden Globes this year, Avatar finally fell short at the box office this weekend. LIES. SO MANY LIES. $55 million bringing it's domestic total to over $500 million. Happy New Year Cameron. [EW]
Here we go people. It's time for The Golden Globes are here. No one cares. But let's get drunk and watch anyway. Start from the bottom and work your way upwards. Or just follow the time stamps because, well. Shut up.
11:00 - Welp, that's it. Ahhhvaahhhdahhhh won best motion picture which isn't a surprise since the announcer basically told us it was going to win EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK. Sophia Loren had on glasses that would have made Jerrica Benton jealous. I had some drinks. Aaaaaand Glee won an award! All in all, a long ass night. Have a good one and thanks for reading! What did you think of the show? Leave it in the comments!
10:58 - Jam Cam is just rubbing it in all our regalur peeps' faces that everyone in that banquet hall are better than we are. Thanks jerkbag.
10:56 -BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA: AVATAR. Sorry Precious but highfalutin graphics beat out rapey dads every time.
10:55 - I keep walking out to the kitchen and cutting of pieces of the beef enchiladas I made for dinner ---- 5 hours ago.
10:53 - 7 minutes left. 7 minutes until heaven. Unless this sh*t runs over, in which case I'm gonna need another bottle of wine.
10:50 - I've obviously never seen Crazy Heartbecause who has, but Jeff Bridges is becoming my favorite actor with his speech. I feel like he's a neighbor of my grandparents in Ohio. Farmboy.
10:46 - BEST ACTOR MOTION PICTURE DRAMA: JEFF BRIDGES in CRAZY HEART - Toby Maguire looked PEESED! Probs still burnin' from getting booted from Spidey 4.
10:42 - Oddly enough, also the most sober. Whodathunk...
10:40 - BEST ACTOR MOTION PICTURE COMEDY/MUSICAL: RJD! Easily the best speech of the night.
10:39 - The only reason I'm still watching: ...also the only reason anyone is still there.
10:37 - Sandy's wearing a fanciful side pony. It's 80's glamor for the staaaaahhhs.
10:36 - BEST ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE DRAMA : SANDY BULLS!
10:34 - Aahhh-Nold just introduced Ahvahdah. It was glorious.
10:27 - BEST COMEDY/MUSICAL FEATURE FILM: THE HANGOVER. I would like to think that Mike Tyson has just won a Golden Globe. That in and of itself is enough for me to actually pretend this is a real awards show.
10:24 - Glee is super xanadu fantastic, but I don't really know if it should have won. I think 30 Rock is defs funnier even if it's won about a million times already.
10:20 -BEST TV SERIES COMEDY/MUSICAL: GLEE! HOLY CRAP!!!! The cutaway reaction shot to Tina Fey was terrbs. It looked like she was yelling at someone through her teeth.
10:16 - BEST DIRECTOR MOTION PICTURE: JAMES CAMERON. JamCam said "I'm gonna make this short because frankly, I have to pee somethin' fierce"
10:14 - Mel Gibson joke about drinking. ZING! Let's all have a good laugh. So clever that Ricky Gervais.
10:13 - Jodi Foster is a prettier lesbian than James Cameron.
10:10 - FINALLY.
10:07 - I just went pee and came back expecting it to be a commercial. WRONG. Caterpillar brows are still seizuring on my TV.
10:05 - Every film student everywhere is getting a bejay from their TV right now.
10:03 - Now I'm just losing interest.
9:58 - Leo and Robby De Niro honoring Marty Scorz is full of the yawnz. I'm sorry. Let's just get on with it. Shouldn't we be budgeting the last 45 minutes of the show for the celebs that died this last year?
9:56 - OMG, IT'S THREE HOURS. MURDER.
9:52 - Nazi guy from Inglorious Basterds won some award. What's with everyone having beards?
9:49 - This thing is only 2 hours long right?
9:47 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS TV SERIES: CHLOI 7YEE. I think she's got da debil in her.
9:45 - Taylor Lautner is on stage right now. Does anyone else think he kinda has a pig face? Twitards, you all on blast!
9:42 - YES.
9:41 - BEST TV SERIES DRAMA: MAD MEN - duuuuuuh. Also, Jon Hamm's beard.
9:37 - Germany wins some award aaaaaaaand they show Arnold Schwarzenegger.
9:33 - Sophia Loren is the most glamorous belle of them all. And I love how her monster glasses add blush and eyeshadow to her face! Now that's technology! Screw 3D. We've got fakeup glasses!
9:31 - 30 minutes until I can watch the ABC FAMILY premiere of BRING IT ON: FIGHT TO THE FINISH that I am currently DVRing. Hope everyone else is too! Viewing after party!
9:30 - I just realized I've been sippin' on some red since around 6 this evening and haven't peed yet. I hope my bladder didn't quit.
9:27 - BEST ACTOR TV SERIES COMEDY: ALEC BALDWIN - who couldn't make it to the show because he was eating sandwiches.
9:26 - Aaaaand this nerd gets music'd off the stage. Also "Either the writers ran out of things to say, or Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston just had an awkward moment backstage." - via @Trzaska. AGREED.
9:24 - BEST SCREENPLAY: UP IN THE AIR - I just ran out of wine.
9:23 - I love Jenny Aniston, I really do. But seriously? Should she even be allowed to present anything? What has she ever been in that's remotely deserving of a GG other than Friends (which is even debatable).
9:22 - I forgot Ricky Gervais was hosting. And now I remember why.
9:21 - I HATE CAMERON DIAZ. Get your clown mouth pizza face off my TV!
9:17 - Disappointed in the lack of lithp. Has she been seeing a thpeec theraptht? ZING!
9:14 - BEST MADE FOR TV MOVIE/MINI-SERIES ACTRESS: DREW BARRYMORE. Called it.
9:13 - I hope Drew Barrymore wins so we can hear her lithp. I miss is.
9:11 - BEST MADE FOR TV MOVIE/MINI-SERIES ACTOR: KEVIN BACON- who only weighs 87 pounds.... while holding his award.
9:09 - Helen Miran is the HBIC.
9:07 - Commercial sidenote: Can someone explain THIS: Are the GolGlos trying to say something?
9:05 - They let T-Bone Streep talk for as long as she wanted. Which is expected when you've won everything there ever was to win.
9:02 - She may be a bit, drunky bears too. RESPECT IS THROUGH THE ROOF FOR THIS GILFY GILF.
9:01 - BEST ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE COMEDY- MER MER STREEPS! She looks stunning as yoozh.
FIRST HOUR AFTER THE JUMP...
8:58 - Tom Hanks' best film, hands down, is The 'burbs.
8:57 - Theeeeeeeeeere's the music.
8:56 - BEST MADE FOR TV MOVIE/MINI-SERIES: GREY GARDENS - I love Drew Barrymore. Sadly, she's not talking. Some ho with a prepared speech is. TWO PAGES WORTH. Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhh.
8:54 - Josh Brolin 0f Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (aka: next years Golden Globe darling!)
8:48 - BEST ORIGINAL SCORE MOTION PICTURE - UP. Blah blah blah, Pixar is the best place to work, blah blah blah, Pixar wins at everything it's up for. We get it.
8:47 - I wonder what Cher's head looks like without Kim Kardashian's old wig on it.
8:46 - Ooooh, ORIGINAL SONG.
8:46 - BEST SOMETHING OR OTHER - LONG TITLE OF THING I DON'T CARE ABOUT.
8:45 - I see Cher has been making sure to stay up to date on her fetus injections. She doesn't look a day over plastic!
8:43 - What is going on with Ricky Gervias' suit? It's like reverse colored. Also, he pronounced Christina Aguilera's name like I do. Agwirlaalrlara.
8:42 - Harrison Ford looks a lot younger since the last time I saw him. He sooooounds like my grandpa though. My grandpa that's been dead for 8 years.
8:40 - Another commercial, another glass. (ed. note: this is me right now:
specifically the 0:35 mark.)
8:37 - January Jones' nomination should have been revoked because of her appearance on Saturday Night Live.
8:36 - BEST ACTRESS TV SERIES DRAMA - Julianna Marg...lees (sp obvs.)
8:35 - John Lithgow on the verge of tears during MCH's acceptance speech. STOP IT! It's killing me.
8:34 - BEST ACTOR TV SERIES DRAMA - Michael C. Hall. Cancer won't bring him down. I might be crying.
8:33 - A show about how cute they would be if they dated.
8:33 - NPH and Jane Krakowski should be in a show together. ADORABLE.
8:32 - WHAT IS THIS GINGER TURTLE ON MY TV?!
8:30 - Uuuuuuuuum, Felicity Huffman, I didn't know you were illiterate. At least you look pretty.
8:24 - Aaaaaaaaaand the first music send off during an acceptance speech of the night. Sorry string bean headed dude who worked on Up.
8:22 - BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM - UP (P.S. - they are ROLLING through these awards like the building's on fire... Academy Awards, take note!)
8:21 - Paul McCartney on the other hand, looks like he's aged two years for every one year he's been alive.
8:20 - Awwww, Michael C. Hall had a wrap around his cancer head. :(
8:19 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR TV SERIES - JOHN LITHGOW Who looks exactly like he did since Harry and the Hendersons.
8:18 - It's not the "agent I hate unless he represents me" - he's the PERSON THAT DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE NOMINATED - @jeremy piven.
8:17 - I have no idea who the hell that woman was. I wasn't paying attention. I was guzzling.
8:16 - ANSWER: NO ONE! ZING.
8:15 - Quiz time! How many people annually watch the Golden Globes?! Answer in one minute!
8:13 - First commercial break. Thank God. I need a wine refill. Cheapsy red in the door of the fridge, here I comessssss.
8:11 - BEST ACTRESS FOR TV SERIES- Toni Collette - who's kiiiinda rockin' Kylie Minogue vibe. And she has an accent?! WTF?!
8:10 - Leah Michelle looks GORGE
8:08 - P.S. - Did PP Cruz get some work done? Her face looked a bit funky. Moldy cream cheese funky.
8:06 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Mo'Nique. Congrats Precious.
8:05 - And the first NBC/Jay Leno zinger of the night - "Let's get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno"
8:04 - I am glad that Ricky's just doing a stand-up opening instead of a ridiculous song/dance/gaysplosion opener.
8:03 - Thanks Steve Carrell for being you.
8:01 - Already annoyed with Ricky Gervais. Also, I've been drinking wine since 6.
What happens when Saturday Night Live is graced with a host that is not only a tremendously talented actress, but a tremendously talented actress that is up for doing anything? You get the funniest episode of the season. HANDS DOWN.
Sigourney Weaver hosted. The actress I've loved since the days when I would watch a taped version of Aliens everyday after kindergarten. It was my favorite (still is) movie when I was young! My parents were SUPER embarrassed when I would bring up how much I loved/watched Aliens at family gatherings. And let's just say she was good. Like best of the season good. Like AWESOME.
Now, it's time for my favorite three sketches of the night. Which might actually be my favorite all sketches of the night.
First up... RILEY!
I don't even know where to begin you bitch. I had two friends of mine say that this was a sketch written about me. Even though I don't remotely talk/act/sound like Riley. But it's definitely a sketch I'd be in. LURVES IT.
The rest after the juuuuuuuump... Get away from her you bitch!
Grady Wilson: This started off like an above average Grady Wilson sketch, but the moment Sigourney came out... THROUGH THE ROOF.
All I have to say is "The Brandy Snifter"
ESPN Classics: Ladies' Darts: This also started off as an above average ESPN Classics sketch, but the moment Olga "The Wolf Bear" Bogunskaya" started her throws - INSTANT WIN! That coupled with Kristin Wiig's throwing method, just amazing.
Disco Booty Junction: As my dear twitter friend @maggisaarsaid: "I would own Amber and Cream's disco albums." Yes. And yes.
Avatar Chamer: I haven't even seen the bajillion dollar film and I thought this was awesome.
LASER CATS V!: This was easily the best Laser Cats yet. Ripley, random movie quotes, James Cameron cameo, THE CAT EGG SACS?! DEAD. I'd been waiting for a new Laser Cats all season and it turned out to be well worth the wait. Fantastic job Lonely Island.
And finally, the best monologue of the season. Thank you so much Sigourney Weaver for reminding us just how awesome SNL can be. To the writers/actors of the show, let's keep this momentum rolling for Jon Hamm on the 30th.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't care how unfunny this weekend's episode of Saturday Night Live is, it's going to be my favorite episode of the season. That's because Sigourney Weaver is my favorite actress of all time. Hands down. She stars in some of my favorite movies including the Alien Quadrilogy (the second being my favorite), Ghostbusters I & II, Imaginary Heroes, and I could go on. She's absolutely fantastic. I will see her in anything. ANYTHING.
And don't get me started, don't even get me started on how good she looks in these promos. Gorgeous. I'm in love - even if she did mess up the line in (probably to fit the promo) "Get away from her you bitch." which is my favorite line in any move. Ever. EVAAAAAH.
So enough with my obsession, check out the web exclusive promo after the jump. Anyone else think the chick from The Ting Tings look kiiiiiiiiinda.... touched?
Adam Lambert's new video for his hit single premiered on VH1 and BWE.tv this morning. The song's a lot more mellow than his previous single and demonstrates a more emotional side of Glambo. Luckily, the video is filled with just as much crotch-in-the-face attacks and humans on a leash though. [BWE]
Dick Ebersol, a top executive at NBC, called The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien an "astounding failure." It sounds really harsh until you put it into perspective. This is from a guy that helps run a network that can only beat the CW in ratings. Pot, meet kettle. No STFU. [TV Guide]
NBC announced it's new post-no-more-Leno schedule last night that's affective as of March 1st. It's not nearly as bad as I though. Granted, there are three hours of SVU. And not to mention a show byGuy Fieri. On second though... [Variety]
George Clooney will be hosting a telethon for Haiti relief on January 22nd that will air on all of MTV's channels. It's an incredibly kind gesture and I hope it's a success, but seriously GC, you couldn't have gotten this to air on a network that's not gonna flank the telecast by and episode of The City on side and Teen Mom on the other? [Zap2It]
And in the best news of the morning, Teresa Guidice of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame is probably wiping the sweat from her tiny little Planet of the Apes forehead from hearing the news that her "juicy delicious" husband was arrested for a DUI. [People]
Because I'm watching Jersey Shore right now, I figured this would be the most appropriate time to share this one with everyone. These kids' tans look more natural than anything I've seen on - which isn't saying much. I've seen a white dog roll around in it's on shit and have a more natural tan than the Jersey Shore cast members.
Anyway, enjoy this while we still can. I think next week is the last episode of the season. Let's all go get Snooki'd in memory.
There are only so many times in a season of Bad Girls Clubthat I can say what an abrasive trash monster Natalie is. Luckily, I haven't hit that quota yet. This walking chin of bio-waste is a most despicable case of cunt rot I've ever seen. And no matter how much you pick, scratch, curse, and ignore it, the stench and burn still persist. What's it gonna take to cleanse the house of her ill intentions? I'm not quite sure there is anything to combat this disease.
If you couldn't tell by now, a lot of the episode focused on Natalie and her inability to SHUTdotTHEdotHELLdotUPperiod The rest of the episode was all about my favorite BG, Kate and her musclebound boyfriend who had a tiny mouth that came to visit. This apparently made the other girls want to hump anything remotely phallic in sight. Also, Kendra puts on her whore pants and decides she wants some d in her v and since Heavy Flo has got dibs on all the girls in the house, that goes over about as well as a bad dump.
Read about the other girls and see just why Natalie is such a stank 'ho after the jump...
First up, we'll deal with Lexie. Bitch is dumb. Like squirrel suffering from Alzheimers dumb. When she talks, flies come out of her mouth. But those flies are dumb also so when they exit Lexie's mouth, they immediately fall to the ground. Because they are too dumb to fly. And then Lexie eats them. Because she thinks they are candy bars. Lexie was breakfast from the age of five to 18 was a bowl full of fresh lead paint.
I'm not entirely sure Amber or Annie were in this episode. I think I remember seeing them but because they are just a tad quieter than your average shuttle launch, they get lost in the Arbor Mist that's constantly filling the house. Amber probably did someone's hair and Annie probably tried to reverse eat.
Because there was a boy in the house, Kendra's vagina got mega hungry. RAVENOUS. So, she put on her ho-veralls and went out to harvest. Like I said earlier, Heavy Flo took this as a slap in the face because A.) She's HULK SMASH about not being able to get any men which isn't a surprise, she exudes lesbian and B.) She's secretly laid claims on all the girls in the house and even though she's probs not gonna get a single one of them, she's gonna get jealsies about them hooking up with others. It's mind cheating. So after a rather naaaaaasty confrontation in the limo... this happened:
FLO SAYS NO!
They yell at each other some more and Heavy Flo goes into attack mode at no one in particular in the house. She's got some trust issues. Daddy much?
And finally, we come to Natalie and Kween Kate. Kate's boyfriend, we'll just call him Generic Muscle Guy. GMG if you will. GMG came to visit Kate and even though she's the most radiant and glamorous one in the house and could have any man she laid her eyes on, she's allowed GMG to be her steady.
Seeing that Kate and GMG have a semi-normal relationship chapped Natalie's V-lips so bad that she unleashed her wrath on Kween Kate. Most of it was that annoying metal grinding on awful, rusty, broken down slutty metal noise that seems to come out of her mouth when she talks/yells/whispers. Kween Kate was tired of hearing it, so she tossed Natalie's caboodle out the window. All would have been totally fine, buuuuuut Heavy Flo ran her GIGANTIC CAVERN OF A MOUTH and told Chins who tossed her goods. And thus we get this mess:
Oh Natalie, I hope someone sews your mouth shut and then throws you in a lake of fire. Acid fire.
I'm glad Kween Kate stood up to Chins though. It's about time someone put her in her place. Chins.....
Noah Cyrus has seriously got this trashy wannabe poptart down to an art? Where are her parents? Who cares!?! This HBIC obviously doesn't. Noah got her pimp cane out, called up the pubescent neighbor boy down the street who may or may not be definitely is a pedophile, stole a pair of her mother's knockoff sunglasses, and set her macbook to record.
Noah chose an age appropriate song to rock her 10 year old body out to. The "everybody's gettin' crunk" line is especially fitting. Hell, who are we kidding here, NoCy probably wrote this song about herself and sold it to Ke$ha for some blow money. (ed. note: I just bough Ke$ha's album on iTunes gift card I got for Christmas. Love it. HATERS ON BLAST!)
And for those reasons, that's why Noah Cyrus is my hero of the day. Bitch knows how to throw it down.
There are several shows out there that try and lampoon internet videos/people/pictures even though usually, but the time the show airs, most of the lampooning has already been done. On the internet. When the video/people/pictures first went viral. Because it's the internet. So a lot of times, those shows don't quite hit their mark because the mark happened four or five days ago (millenniums ago in internet years obvs.) But, there is one show that has really figured out how to tackle the whole it-was-funny-a-month-ago problem and that's Tosh.0 which is returning tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central.
Here's a preview of the Web Redemption with David after the Dentist who I might add seems to have taken all of his internet fame and eaten in. Yes, I just called a child fat.
Thank you gray cat. Thank you so much for lightening the mood on this dreary Wednesday morning full of heart crushing stories. At the very least, you've provided me with exactly one minute and 19 seconds worth of forgetting all the problems in the world so that I can laugh at you, at cat with it's head stuck in an ice cream cup. You are so cute.
Jimmy Kimmel did almost his entire show as Jay Leno last night attacking everything Jay does, including headlines. Normally, I'd say something in defense of Ja... I'm lying he blows and deserves this all. [TV Guide]
Jay-Z and Beyonce were named Hollywood's "top earning couple" this past year by Forbes Magazine. The announcement itself was named "most obvious announcement" of this year by No Sh*t Magazine. [Zap2It]
During the Television Critics Association Press Tour yesterday, it was announced the final season of Lostwon't answer all the questions surrounding the show. The biggest question that won't be answered is what the fart ABC is going to do when the show finishes. [TV Squad]
Heidi Montag Pratt released her debut album, Superficial, yesterday and in an interview said it cost $2 million of her own money to make and compared it to Thriller. I now know where the remaining money from my iTunes gift card is going! Downloading Thriller as.you.read.this. [EW]
David Copperfield no longer has a rape allegations to worry about as the former Miss Washington USA dropped the case nearly 3 years after the claims were made. Wonderful! Now Copperfield can go back to molesting unsuspecting girls with his magic! (Magic is the name of his penis). [People]
Remember when Amy Poehler was on Saturday Night Live and had the reoccurring character named Amber who only had one leg and was a hypoglycemic reality show contestant/stripper/hooker/person. You know, the one where she'd fart when she'd hop on her one leg.
Welp, according to the video above, I'm pretty sure that Amber is alive and well working a pole somewhere at Diamonds are Whore-ever. But, she's gotten herself an UPGRADE! Congrats to Amber and her new leg!
Because what would a Sunday night watching a national awards show for the past year's musical acts be without a liveblog? Especially for an award show that is even less relevant than me trying to figure out something that's more relevant. Especially when I've been voming/pooing a liquid substbance that's the same color as Snooki's skin. Especially for a night when there's also a super irrelevant sports game on. Especially when Kenny G is a big 'red carpet' guest. JayKay, no KG hate from me. That sax is max. And his son looks like he's got da debil in him.
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