Ke$ha; A Video Timeline

Exhibit A.) Kesha Sebert, circa the new Willenium, singing the Karma Police by Radiohead at her middle school talent competition, looking like a recovering feelings-eater with a massive need for orthodontia.



Exhibit B.) Ke$sha or "Ke dollar sign ha" as my iPod nano calls it, circa today, in her new video for her song Blah Blah Blah, looking like a Kesha Sebert got dragulated and left at the bar Oxygen pays to let the Bad Girls Club girls party in.




via bwe.tv and popcrunch

Someone Give Tracy Morgan a Record Deal...

...because this is more enjoyable to watch/listen to than anything that Eminem has ever put out.  And he's white even!  Between Impregn8ed and Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, he has more hits than people that are wonders for only having one hit!  I think they are called Single Songers.

Impregn8ed was debuted on whatever Jimmy Kimmel's version of Jimmy Fallon's show is called sometime within the last week.  I do not watch late night TV because I am an adult human person who has more important things to do like watch the Olympic games women's long program tonight squeee and/or sleep after cheating on my wife of 51 years, so I do not know the exact instance this became available us.  But enjoy it nonetheless.  Even if white people using autotune wearing dreads makes me subtract a million funny points, Tracy Morgan makes me add a billion.

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Bad Girls Club

This week's episode of Bad Girls Club seems to be some sort of weird clip show/real show hybrid. Not unlike what The Office was a few weeks back, if the Dunder Mifflin, Scranton employed grownup dumpster babies with low self esteem and a penchant for anal crabs.

I don't know if this is supposed to be a filler episode to build up anticipation for the reunion episode which looks like my dreams come true or if this is just a placeholder for an episode so that Oxygen doesn't have to compete with the Olympics. I mean, I can't imagine that there is a ton of viewer overlap there. Minus myself.

Clip shows are clips shows. We'll probably got a montage of the girls running around naked. A montage of Chins never shutting her fat mouth. A montage of the girls yelling at each other. And then a montage of Lexie burping/farting. Entertaining, just not what the entire viewing audience really wants to watch.

The Internet Out-Gays Itself

After having watched this video of people dressed as giant My Little Pony dolls while they prance around and lip sync the words to Dreamgirls and Wicked songs three times now, I'm still not certain that what I'm watching is real life.  This is absolutely beyond my comprehension.  This is a true lesson in the old wives tale saying of "with great power comes great night terrors."  The internet has brought us many great things, but sometimes we have to draw the line.

This is the definition of homo-spolsion.


[via urlesque ]
.

Early Morning Crap

• I would say that this Pigeon riding the subway in Canada is totally fake-a-roosky, but a few of my friends living in NYC say they've seen it happen themselves. [BuzzFeed]

• Simon Cowell gave an interview about leaving American Idol and who should replace him, though he failed to mention [TV Guide]

• Johnny Weir, the most flamboyant thing to happen to figure skating since figure skating, had some debatabley homophobic remarks made about him by some French-language broadcasters. Johnny Weir responded "takes one to know one." [Zap2It]

• In other Olympic news, Evgeni Plushenko is all about making sure that everyone knows he is the HBIC and all around winner of medal that doesn't exist. [dlisted]

• Jennifer Lopez got dumped has parted ways with her record label after her music career parted ways with her. [EW]

• NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY! Don't forget to truck yourself over to the nearest IHOP to take advantage of a free shortstack today!!! [ihoppancakeday]

THE FOOLHARDY MANOR: Feb 20th and 27th at THE PIT!

The sketch/improv group that I'm a part of, The Foolhardy Manor has a brand new sketch show that we will be performing for the very first time over the next two weekends at The Peoples Improv Theater in NYC.

So, if you're in or around the area this Saturday (Feb. 20) or next (Feb. 27) at 9:30pm, come watch the brand new show.  It's a full hour of comedy featuring superheroes, aliens, ghosts, people on people furniture it's not sexual, sorry and much more!

Tickets are $10 which you can get at the door or order ahead here there's a good chance they'll sell out (toot toot) so you might want to get them early!

It promises to be, at the very least, a visually stimulating show.  Plus, I'll be dressed as a woman in two sketches so that will be something you, my loyal and wonderful readers have never seen

I'd love to see you there!

Also, if you want a brief introductory to exactly who's in my group, check out the video after the break!

MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: The Unemployed Man Who Built an Igloo

Ohio, suffering from some of the worst unemployment rates in the country, is filled with some enigmatic people that sure must do something to fill their days.  Back when I was unemployed and living at home, I would write this blog.  Other people, like Jimmy Grey of Aquilla, OH has taken a more physical approach to keeping busy.  So he built a mega-igloo out of snow he's shoveled from surrounding houses in his father's front yard.

The snow structure has got four rooms and 6-foot ceilings as well as the tiniest flat screen TV I've ever seen powered by an extension cord plugged into an outlet in the garage.  Prospective buyers can look forward to a strobe light in the living room as well as black lights in the "man cave" section of the home.  The decorum throughout the house is very mid-80's graffiti-chic.  It's a work in progress.

Normally, this kind of story is just your average country-folk kinda story that my home state is known for... but what really puts it over the 'this could be anyone's neighbor' line to the 'this is probably my parent's neighbor' side is the final quote from Mr. Freeze himself...

Grey says candles help add ambiance for nighttime get-togethers with friends, and the freezing temperatures mean that the beer never goes warm.

He probably got the beer at the drive-thru liquor store up the street.

Stephen Colbert Makes Olympic Late Night Worth It

I stayed up stupidly late last night watching Men's Doubles Luge wteff are those dudes thinking!? and ended up watching Stephen Colbert being interviewed by Bob Costas. Colbert has some pretty ridiculous ties to these Olympic games including sponsoring the U.S. Speedskating team and making his apologetic rounds to the nation of Canada, so it was only natural that NBC interview him. And of course they did it during the super late night Olympic fun times hour.

The questions went about as typical as an interview with Colbert could go. It was all in good fun. But the real kicker, was the end of the interview when Colbert went to "warm up" by the "fire" that was in the back of the studio. Since NBC still doesn't quite understand how the internet works it's cats in giant hamster wheels, the video isn't embeddable. But you can watch it here! I'll post a video as soon as I can find one.

Early Morning Crap

• Gary Coleman told every person behind that miserable table of harpies exactly what the rest of the WORLD is thinking.  You know LAH-RA Spencer was struggling to hold her o-face in over the thought of all the video hits this would get.  [dlisted ]

• Victoria Beckham doesn't like the the sequins or feathers of some of the male figure skaters and thinks they should stop wearing them.  I can't speak for everyone I am though, but I don't like VBecks, so can she stop existing?  [People]

• Some of the Real Housewives are appearing on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire next week including ladies from New York, New Jersey, and Atlanta.  The Orange County ladies were unable to afford plane tickets to the East Coast for filming.  [TV Guide]

• Jon Gosselin and TLC have stopped bickering like a bunch of grandma's fighting over the last peppermint.  Hopefully now Jon Gosselin will stuff a d in his m and stfu.  [EW ]

• Shaun White may have won the gold medal last night, but it was his coach who won my attention - by saying sh*t and f*** on live television.  Winner.  [Zap2It ]
  

YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND: Creeper With Up to 30 Wives and 60 Children

Meet Goel Ratzon, your new best friend. Ratzon, a 60 year old Orthadox Jew living in Tel-Aviv who claims to be the messiah is accused of incest and sexual abuse. Ratzon is suspected of keeping his wives and children in slave-like conditions in various apartments around Tel Aviv.

Last year, a documentary had been shot that chronicled Ratzon's life as well as that of some of his wives. Some of these women that have come forward to authorities were also some of the women featured in said documentary. Back then, they had some nicer things to say about Ratzon:

He is the messiah everyone is talking about,' one said. 'He is already here and he hasn't been revealed yet. The day he decides to reveal himself, the land will shake.'

Yikes. Even yikes-ier still is Ratzon's statement in the documentary about his appeal to women.

I'm perfect,' Ratzon said in the documentary. 'I have all the qualities a woman wants.

Just look at that face. The face of the messiah. It's like looking into the eyes of the crazy homeless man that lives down the street from you on the dirty mattress in the alley next to the Radio Shack. This looker sure has a way with words. A way to make me puke up the sleeve of Oreos I ate for dinner tonight.

AND IT GETS BETTER. Not only was Incesteroni irresistible to his relatives, he was also incredibly controlling - even coming up with a list of rules that the women/daughters/slaves had to follow lest they be punished by the hand of the messiah. These winners should be framed and placed on the wall of every kitchen in every multiple married home. Check them out after the jump!

Ghostbusters 3 Might Be a Ways Off, But at Least We Have This...

If you don't remember, the last season of X-Factor the British on obviously since, Paula hasn't crazied up television yet saw the meteoric rise of Jedward - short for John and Edward, two twin brothers with Duke Nukem hair on Rogaine and voices like mating gerbils. They were an instant success. Though they didn't end up winning the competition, they still managed to capture the hearts and souls - twins are a bit demony if you think about it of millions.

Welp, X-Factor is now doing what any mildly successful pseudo-talent search show does when it's not on the air... milk their money udders until they're chaffed and bleeding. So, a touring they will go.

At one point during the touring show, some of the other famelets started singing Ghostbusters - complete with dancers dressed as ghosts and goblins and a monstrous, inflatable Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Then Jedward took the stage air. At first I wondered why the producers would have the singers performing a show that has about 17 different words in it, but then as soon as Jedward came out... I understood.

It may not be Ghostbusters 3, but damn that Stay-Puft inflated fast...

Kell on Earth S01E03: Stephanie Vorhees, Why Are You Made of So Much Fail?!

My Kell on Earth post is running a little late, but I'm just gonna blame it on Stephanie Vorhees because if we're being honest with ourselves, it was probably her fault. I know the world of HIGH FASHIONS is a world of HIGH STRESSES because of all the lists/bribe bags/phone calls that need to be made, but Stephanie Vorhees makes it look like a the 4 month old leftovers in your office fridge could do it. Guuuurl is as bright as a black hole.

I'm not even confident that I can tell you what the actual episode was about because this knowledge destroyer's dead-eye stare hypnotized me into not being able to follow directions or make any logical, common sense decisions on my own unless they were so outlandishly wrong, it would jeopardize my entire career by making it. But, I'm definitely gonna give it a shoooot...

Rachel Maddow Rains (Snows?) on Glenn Beck's Crazy Parade

Glennifer Beck attacked Billy Nye the Science Guy the other day over his thoughts on Global Warming and its affects on the massive snow storms that have continued to smother the East Coast over the last few weeks. Rachel Maddow thought it was kind of funny that Beck said the things he did, especially considering that he was contradicting things he'd said before. So, she ever so humorously pointed that out.

This apparently set off Threat Level Red at FOX News which prompted Beck to defend himself. Thankfully, he chose to speak instead of spell and went after Maddow for hiding and losing "key data" about his statements and using selective editing - to which Maddow swings a big common sense hammer at.

Just watch for yourself. It's like watching an adult try to talk to a deaf kid. And by "kid" I mean this.

Early Morning Crap

•  Glee just can't come back soon enough.  I'm knee deep in 'anticipation sweats.'  [Zap2It]

• Kevin Eubanks wants out of the crumbling house of The Tonight Show that NBC and Leno built.  Rumors are swirling that he will be replaced by Jay Leno.  ZING!  Get it!?  Jay Leno takes everyone's jobs.  He likes jobs that aren't his.  [TV Guide]

• Pete Wentz came out after premiering his clothing line in a straight jacket, Hannibal Lecter style.  The obvious WTF!? part of this story is that Pete Wentz has a clothing line.  [dlisted]

• Khloe Kardashian, the Fe Fi Fo Fum of the the Kardashian sisters, had some topless pictures leak showing off her golden eggs.  [Gone Hollywood]

• Have a relative or friend that died in 2004 in or around Brooklyn or Staten Island?  Welp, their dead body parts might have been used as props in the annual Morgue Bowl!   [Tabloid Prodigy]

• Captain Phil Harris of Deadliest Catch requested that cameramen shoot all the way up through his final moments so there could be a "great finish to this story" which just shows what a badass this guy was.  [PopEater]
  

TOP 10 TUESDAY: The Best(??) Justin Bieber Valentine's Day Contest Entries

As most of you know, this past Sunday was Valentine's Day.  You know this because you were either with that special someone in your life trying to figure out something to do that made it more than your average sleep-in-five-dollar-footlong-brunch-tv-catch-up-Sunday or you were bitterly rue-ing the day that that fat, flying, kinda-rapey baby skipped over you with his love arrows to maul on some leftover chocolate.

No matter how you spent your V-Day, be it wrapped up in bed with your lover pets count, unless it's a bird, in which case - gross or checking your Google Calendar for the last time you actually felt the touch of another human, it was, without a doubt, better spent that the following people.

Through the powers of assumption, I've concluded that there was some sort of 'Valentine's Day Contest' held in which people created videos to plea to the helmet-haired fetus child that all the tweeners are hitting puberty over - Justin Bieber - to be their Valentine.  Obviously, the appeal of this premie-minstrel is beyond my own comprehension.  I've heard little girls sing before.  I know what they sound like.  I grew up during a time when Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were kings!  But, for some reason, this singing twinkie has captured the hearts of thousands of girls and pedos across the world.  So, a quick youtube search brought me to a treasure trove of 'lonely girls' pleading their case to be J-Beeb's Valentine.  There are no shortage of videos, let me make that perfectly clear.  There are literally JILLIONS of them.  But below are 10 of my favorites*.  (*ed. note: I'm not above making fun of children)

So come on a terrible venture down childhood adolescence and youtube with me after the break...

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Bad Girls Club

Tonight's episode people. Tonight's.  The Bad Girls Club episode that is airing tonight is the episode we have been waiting for since Natalie's Easter Island chin walked in through those tacky McMansion doors on the very first episode.  Tonight's episode is all about Chins finally getting just what she deserves.  Violence is never the answer, but sometimes, it's definitely the answer.

Tonight's episode features the mildly unruly girls taking a class trip to Santa Barbara to get their party on, because if there is any place hotter than L.A. to party on the West Coast, make no mistake - it's obviously Santa Barbara.

While there, Kendra apparently almost gets arrested which comes as a big shock to her - which I don't quite understand because anyone that's as trampy as Kendra should have been picked up at a street corner AT LEAST ONCE.  When you're hot to trot, you're caught a lot.  Anyway, she starts running her mouth which is just asking for Olmec to open her big vocal gutter and obviously, things escalate.





The interesting thing about this clip though, is that it looks like Amber, the resident floor sweeper is the one that lays down the law on Olmec.  If I had to choose a beat down buddy, I'd choose my home-girl Kate to do it, but she might bust an implant in the process, so it's probably best that Back-Alley Barbie does it instead.

Speaking of Kate, another preview after the jump.  I'm putting Annie on blast after this one...

ANIMALS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE: Ming Ming the Duck

You know when you do something super nice for someone and you feel really good about it?  Like doing all of your roommate's dirty dishes or telling one of your friend's to help the old lady in a wheelchair cross the street or holding a door open for someone who's like 30 steps back from you, making eye contact with them so they know you're holding it specifically for them so they end up basically power walking with all their belongings in their hand just to get to the door faster so you don't have to keep waiting?

This video makes you feel worse than all of those examples.

Ming Ming the Duck, a pet which seems like a dirty choice for a pet for some British/Australian/Whyisthevideo'slabelinsomesortofAsianlanguage family has accomplished a miracle's worth of good deedery.  After the family adopted Ming Ming, who had an injured leg which needed an adorable little duck leg cast, he (she?) became a quick friend with Fin (Phin?), their little boy who suffered a stroke after being born prematurely.  Told by doctors that Phin (Fin?) would never walk, the family had almost given up hope... until... MING MING TAUGHT THE LITTLE STROKE BOY HOW TO WALK!

Both wearing their cute little casts, it's believed that Fin (Fyn?) was able to relate to the little duckling and through the associate was able to mimic the actions of Ming Ming!  Adorable doesn't even begin to describe.

Now all I have to ask you after watching this inspiration story about MM and Phyn (Phyn?) is, what nice thing have you done for the Helen Keller in your neighborhood recently?

Early Morning Crap

.

•  Photoshop Cook is actually exactly how I make everything I've ever eaten.  [urlesque]

• 24 shut down production this week so Kiefer Sutherland could have a surgery on a "ruptured cyst near his kidney" which I read as a "raptor cast hear in Sydney."  Not a joke, just my poor reading skills.  [Zap2It]

• Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are getting married.  The best man is Joel's brother Benji and the maid of honor is the year 2003.  [dlisted]

• Oprah mistakenly thought the birthmark on Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees' face was lipstick and tried to wipe it off.  In her defense, all the years of wiping of Gayle's lipstick slobber kisses from her own face probably Pavlov'ed her into it.  [TV Squad]

• Tori Spelling is writing a children's book which I think is pretty much a joke in and of itself.  [EW]

• Microsoft announced a complete overhaul of it's mobile phone OS this weekend hoping to revitalize its smartphone business.  No real jokes here because it actually looks pretty cool.  Videos at the source.  [Engadget]

• Jay-Z isn't the only one who thinks the We Are the World remake was a bad idea.  So does everyone that's ever once in their entire life heard even a millisecond of the original.  [Vulture]

I Like to Remember the Good Times We Shared...

The new We Are the World premiered right before last night's Opening Ceremonies and it's basically the exact kind of remake of a beloved classic that you would expect. Ravaged.  Have you ever known someone for a super long time, like a relative or a good friend, and you were really close and as you grew older you didn't see that person that much, but when you did they seemed to have changed and were now kind of a taint-cake, and then one day you find out they've died and at the funeral, someone comes up to you and mentions what a taint-cake that person was but you say you like to remember the 'good times.'  That 'good times' is exactly how I'd like to remember We Are the World.

First off, if I EVER see/hear that Bieber boy opening any benefit song ever again, I will make it a point NOT to donate any money.  Michael Jackson is slightly turning to his one side in his grave right now.  Also, there is no Cyndi Lauper warble in this version!  Instead we get Lil Wayne isn't he in jail? and T-Pain autotuning the music right out of the song.  And don't even get me started on that 'mash up' of the MJ footage from the original and Janet Jackson lip syncing for her life.  Was it purposefully supposed to look like a junior film student edited it on Windows Movie Maker?  Rebbie Jackson is hanging her head in shame somewhere.

At the very least, and about the only redeeming quality this entire production, is that Celine Dion has a nice part in it.  They should have just given her the whole song to sing.  She would have kilt it!

LIVEBLOG: The 2010 Winter Olympics OPENING CEREMONY!

Grab yourself a warm blanket and cuddle up with your box of Franzia, Miga, Quatchi, Mukmuk and Sumi and, erm... pedobear, as we all prepare to be blown away by the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olypmics!

It's gonna be tough for the British Columbians to beat the Chinese as far as "opening ceremonies" go, because hot dang, those Summer Olympics were like watching a Bjork video while on quaaludes. Lord.

I'm doubting these are going to top it, but who knows. Those Canadians have given us some crazy ass things in the past. Like milk in bags and THE GREATEST SINGER IN THE WORLD.

So, start from the bottom and keep your refresh button poppin' because it's gonna be weird ass ride.

P.S. - So sad about that luger that died on the track. :(

-------------------------------------------

12:15 - And the torch is lit!  It's like a four legged teepee with one main pillar in the middle.  Made of fake ice and on fire at the top.  Sweet.  And that's finally that!  Thanks for all that stayed up with me.  Enjoy the Olympics!

12:14 - This cauldron is exactly the same, minus the malfunctioning 4th leg.

12:13 - If there is one more commercial between now and when the cauldron is lit, I'm gonna get stabby.

12:12 - Where the hell is this second cauldron at!?  Toronto?  DRIVE FASTER.

12:10 - Though I've been going for about 5 hours now, I have to say that this has been a million times more entertaining that all of the Grammys liveblog from a few weeks ago.  

12:07 - Oh thank you NBC.  Joe Biden, just who we want to hear talk about his time at the opening ceremonies.  

12:03 - WHUT?!  Uhhhhggg.  There's a second cauldron outside so "everyone" can see it.  Wayne Gretzky is lighting it.  I'm lighting myself on fire.

12:01 - And there you have it.  The 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver have officially started.  The torch has been lit (a little wonkily) and about a bajillion tons of fireworks at went off over top of the stadium.

12:00 - SET SOMETHING ON FIRE WAYNE.

 11:59 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!  OH CANADA INDEED!  Only three of the four ice pillars raised up out of the floor. 

11:57 - Wayne Gretzky...  SURPRISE.  But where the hell is the cauldron!?  PLEASE COME OUT OF THE GROUND!

11:55 - I'm really hoping that Celine Dion is the final vocal athlete that gets to light the big one.

11:53 - Fiiiiiiiiiiiinally her comes the torch!  

11:50 - Cripes I'm fading fast.  Come on Canada, light the damn torch already.  I've got a warm bed calling me.  Also, it wouldn't hurt to give us some Celine.

11:48 - D.A.R.E. to keep kids off drugs!

11:47 - One minute silence for the Georgian Luge Athlete that died this morning. :(

11:46 - Words from the Olympic Hymn that I've understood - 0.  Monstrously huge hairdids seen on opera singers - 1.

11:44 - This woman's got nothing on the Blue-Tube Lady from The Fifth Element.  Just saying.

11:42 - There's an Olympic Hymn!? I was expecting it to be the Dun Dun Dun-Dun-Dun Dun Dun... epic song that always plays during commercials. 

11:40 - This is Canada's "Who's Who" ???  What a rando group of people.  

11:36 - I mean COME ON.

11:35 - I wonder if K.D. Lang ever gets confused for David Tutera.  

11:32 - IT'S OFFICIALLY OLYMPICS!

11:31 - That was a lot of French.

11:27 - If Canada had a dictator it would be the dude talking now.  The IOC President guy.  He looks like a people hater.

Friday Feline Find

It's not every day that two of the internet's greatest inventions, cats and robots are brought together in one glorious compilation video.  Even better that it's actually a cat versus a robot.  This is like two worlds colliding into some sort of super meme that not even the internet can hold.

This video kind of has me rethinking all of my robot apocalypse posts because, well...  if lolcatsc can defeat an entire robot arm, then we've already lost if cats ever turned against us.  Think of how many there are in this world?  As pets.  As strays.  As test subjects for your eye liner.  Hell, the crazy cat lady down your street probably has enough in her upstairs bathroom to take out your whole neighborhood.


[via BWE]

Haters in my face tryna keep me down...

Snow Makes Everyone INSANE

Since SNOWMAGEDDON 2010 is melting ever so slowly and we'll probably be staring at the massive snow piles for weeks, why not make the best of it? Like build a snowman, or have a snowball fight, or you know, jump off a five story building into a snow drift that may or may not have a car or fire hydrant or old person trapped underneath waiting to puncture your innards.

[via urlesque]

Early Morning Crap

• Canada may be the home of the 2010 Winter Olympics, but more importantly and undoubtedly more entertaining, it's home to the cheerleader eating raptor mascot. [BuzzFeed]

• Taylor Lautner and his pug face turned legal yesterday. On this momentous occasion for all the sadface single moms out there a limited edition doll was released. It looks... um... [Tabloid Prodigy]

• Angelina is not buying an earthquake baby from Haiti, so don't hold your breath. A thousand desperate Haitian mothers just let out an exacerbated sigh. [dlisted]

• Friday Night Lights will most likely end after it's fifth season. All good things must come to... who are we kidding here? You try and name an actor on that show without using your google toolbar. [TV Guide]

• Lauren Conrad's new book has topped the New York Times best sellers list proving once and for all that print is dead. [People]

• John Mayer isn't racist guys! He's just the worst comedian ever! Also he's probably racist. [BWE.tv]

Who You Gonna Call!?

Last night before I went to bed I wanted to check something on hulu.  I don't even remember what it actually was because I got so excited when the screen that greeted me was THIS:

This... this wonderful childhood adult favorite of mine is now available to watch, for tooootally free at least for now any time I have internet access!?  Which would probably be any time I have a computer/laptop handy which means I could essentially watch my umpteen DVD versions of it also, but SHUT UP.  THIS IS THE FUTURE OF MOVIES/TELEVISION.

Anyway, if you'd like to watch Ghostbusters during your work day like I will be three or four more times this week alone then head on over to huuuuluuuu.

Also, you should probably watch this too - for cameos sake alone.

Glee Just Got BETTER

Molly Shannon has just been confirmed to be joining the Glee for a reoccurring role.

THIS.COMPLETES.MY.LIFE. 

Molly Shannon, from the time she was on Saturday Night Live to her movies to the horribly under appreciated Kath & Kim it was good guys, y'all just haters, Miss Shannon (if you're classy), has been one of my favorite comediennes/actresses of all time.  She's amazing.  Truth.

Now, combine her excellence with all that is Glee and THEN make her Sue Sylvester's new nemesis!?  I'm blowing loads THROUGH my pants right now.

Her character, Brenda Castle, is described as the busty 45-year-old new astronomy teacher and badminton coach at McKinley High School who is both an alcoholic and a pill-popper.
“She becomes Sue’s enemy,” says a Glee insider.

I have died.  Or at least I will die.  In May.  When her episodes start.

The Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit: The Closest Thing to Living in a V-hole You're Gonna Get

Where do we even go from here?  The Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit is made of "marshmallow soft fleece" which you can  "slip into" and only costs "$49.99" which upon my scientific research I am a 57 year old scientist for a science factory is the exact definition of a lady's dede.

Doesn't this kind of the opposite of what the Snuggie/Slanket craze produced?  I mean, Sluggets at least could be removed with ease in the rare instance that you had to jump up and run outside to your car to drive away since the owners of the house you were squatting in came home.  That's the beauty of it.  Keep your real person clothes on with an oversized bathrobe over them.  THIS monstrous, pink body condy on the other hand, actually takes EFFORT to put on.  You have to REMOVE all your clothes AND fiddle with zippers.  ZIPPERS!  And if there's one thing I know from past experiences in 'getting comfortable' it's that I want to do that with the least amount of energy expelled as possible.  ZIPPER FOOTIES?!  Might as well just weld those zippers shut because once I'm in that thing, I'm not coming out until it's time for a shower it's never really time for a shower.

I'd buy one if the name was The Body 'Gina.

Bad Girls Club S04E10 - The Dam Breaks Releasing a HEAVYFlo

Watching the much hyped (by OXYGEN, sooo... in other words, no one) episode Bad Girls Club last night where one of the 'girls' would leave the house was like watching the dethroning of Medieval monarch after all his/her subjects revolted.  That is if the monarch was a mid-twenty something, mentally unstable, probably-lesbian, with a terrible attitude, and an incurable case of the crazies.  I think I just described Queen Elizabeth - OH ZING RHAMES, bitch is old!

The second half of the episode followed HEAVYFlo as her brain started melting out of her ears.  Because WHEN YOU GOTS DA DEBIL IN YOU, Ooooh gurllllll.  Yes.  Flo blamed 'de debil' on her ability to fail as a human being.  HFlo thought it would be nice to write letters to each of the girls and explain what was wrong with each of the girls.  Because CARING IS SHARING.

MORE AFTER THE BREAAAAAAK...

Kirstie Alley, Fat Like Me

This is a preview for Kirstie Alley's new show Cupcakes Cupcakes Cupcakes* *possibly not the real title that will premiere on A&E sometime in the future. 


It's exactly what you'd expect from a woman that has made her 4th Meal career out of complaining about her inability to stop eating cupcakes.**  But, there are two things that you would not expect from a woman that eats her well balanced breakfast on top of a giant dinner table made of cupcakes...

1.)  She owns lemurs.

2.)  SHE OWNS THIS TERRIFYING MONSTER HEAD ANIMAL.

**I don't have any proof that Kirstie Alley only eats cupcakes.  But I can be pretty sure that she prefers them over most other things.  Like living.

Early Morning Crap

• SNOWMAGEDDON '10 has caused hundreds of schools and business to close today.  My work is one of them.  This pic was taken at 7:30am and it's only gonna get worse.  Much worse.  [tumblr]

• Dating in the Dark has been renewed for another season by ABC which is apparently run by some of the ugliest people on the planet.  [TV Guide]

• Former President George Dubya Bush might not have been that universally liked, but at least he's got a sense of humor.  On billboards.  [PopWatch]

• Tracy Morgan in a 3D remake of Jaws?  This rumor sounds like a B-story for an episode of 30 Rock where Tracy Jordan gets cast in a 3D Jaws remake making Jenna jealous - who then tries to get cast in a remake of some movie that hasn't actually come out yet.  [Vulture]

• Celine Dion tells People Magazine that she's struggling with conceiving another child which just about breaks my heart.  The greatest singer in EVER should not be denied a child I'm looking at you René "Older Than Human Language" Angélil.  [People]

• Captain Phil of Deadliest Catch has died after recovering from a stroke he suffered in January. Sad Face.  Those damn crabs can rest easy at least one night.  [Zap2It]

The Only Thing Cooler Would Have Been the Original Music

Tecmo Super Bowl is hands down, the greatest football game since those electric vibrating versions.  It's just the truth.  All you die hard Madden fans out there can choke on the gristley, rotting remains of John Madden's body.  Like the title says, the only thing that would have made this recreation of the Super Bowl XLIV's pivotal play would have been the original music go to the 1:44 mark for the best one that I still catch myself humming to this day.  Especially when I'm dramatically jumping in the air to catch something.


[via Kotaku]

Kell On Earth: S01E02 - Everyone Works Too Hard in Fashion or Fashion is the... WORK HARDER

Last night was the second episode of Kell on Earth and it was all about the hectic world of fashion seating charts.  Because if there's anything 7th grade lunch periods taught us, it's that all the kids that will grow up to be miserable husks of people in loveless broken marriages need a self-esteem hjay with an exclusive seating arrangement.  So, since Kelly 'Goat Teeth' Cutrone works in the fashion industry - where all the grown up miserable husks of people in loveless broken marriages go to work, she had her staff spend a million hundred hours on a list for a bunch of celebrities/socialites/fashionjournalists (miserable husk people) so they can all sit in order of abominable to abhorrent - whichever is worst.

This made blonde zombie girl freak out because she's the only one that works in the office.  Other than Kelly.  Kelly chews seaTIN chart CANS for breakfest/lunch/dinner.  When the charts don't print properly, Kelly gets angry because her entire business model is based on this seating arrangement like a really poorly constructed upside down pyramid with the very point of the pyramid being SEATING CHART and the huge giant base of the pyramid being ENTIRE FASHION INDUSTRY.  Trouble.

At the FASHION WEEK show for DESIGNER GUY, the entire terrible fashion pyramid collapses on it's pointed list top/bottom and there ended up being a lot of unhappy people.  Mainly the designer guy - despite the fashion police wee-ooh wee-ooh wee-ooh loving the designs.  Designer guy fires Goats.  THE WORLD ENDS.

KEEP READING AFTER THE BREAK...

Bear City, Bear Bear City...

This bear has three legs.  It also walks like a person.  It actually walks better than a lot of people I know.  They're hunchbacks.  I live in a bell tower in Medieval France.  These kind of things, animals walking like humans, kinda freaks me out a bit.  Why are they so smart?  How do they figure out that this is a good way for them to locomote??  Can they hold forks now too?  Am I gonna have to worry about running into one in the breakroom warming up a Ham & Cheese Hotpocket?  I don't want to find my '99 Ford Escort being broken into by a bear.  They can drive!


[via BuzzFeed]

15 Dogs Dressed Like Batman

Man's best friend.  Dogs are easily one of the greatest things to happen to humans since we developed the ability to personify non-human things.  Which leads me to my next point.  Dogs are people too.  They're social.  They like humping things.  They enjoy eating.  They enjoy sleeping.  They love attention.  And they all go to heaven.  I'm pretty sure I just read a wikipedia entry for "man."  And what's the only thing that's manlier than man?  Batman.  I'm like Jane Austen the way I'm dropping words over here...

Anyway, here's 15 pictures of our beloved pets dressed up like The Batman.  PLUS:  2 *bonus* pictures at the eeeeeeend!

1.  The Bark Knight!

  
2.  Batdog!

 3.  Night terrors.

4.   This one has the smallest head-to-body ratio.

 5.  This one has THE BIGGEST head-to-body ratio out of any of them.

 MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Bad Girls Club

I would just like to say that the picture to the right is happening tonight.  Looks like Amber's gone get the tramp beat out of her by some trashtacular stripper lady from some strip club the bad girls were partyin' it up at.  I hate to say it, I don't I love it, but she's had this coming since they day she pushed HEAVYFlo into the pool.  You know Flo's been sending as much shade towards Amber as her gimp leg would allow.  I wouldn't be surprised if she has some sort of voodoo doll with some snarly locks of Amber's hair that she ripped out the last time they tangled.  Flo is one crazy shebeast.

The big news for tonight's episode is someone gets kicked outta the house or leaves willingly.  It's easy to guess HEAVYFlo because, well, I'm just waiting for her to pull a knife from her v and slice a b up.  But, I think I'm gonna have to go with Kendra.  She's been awfully quiet the last few episodes and with the wah wah that HEAVYFlo throws about her having a threesome with Lexi and that dude that looks like the hatechild of Spencer Pratt and Papa Joe Simpson, I wouldn't be surprised if she finally snaps.

I mean just listen to her in the preview...



"Dis house got da f***ing DEBIL in me!"  Da debil?!  Tonight's gonna be great!  I'm gonna deep fry me some oreos, pop open a bottle of Andre, and have myself a classy viewing soiree for this one!

SUPER BOWL WRAP UP

I barely watched the Super Bowl because I'm just not a big football fan.  I prefer Sequence. Instead, I slept through most of the first half, made buffalo chicken tenders, during the second, and ate them all during the tail end of the game.  Thankfully, Al Gore invented the internet it's 1999 and I could catch everything later that night/today while I'm bored.  Obviously, there is no need to tell you that the best thing the game brought us this year was a victory for those who suffered through Katrina Betty White and Abe Vigoda.

This commercial prompted so many "ZOMG ABE VIGODA IS ALIVE" comments that I thought were a little unfounded.  First off, it's Abe Vigoda.  Secondly, if you would have had abevigoda.com bookmarked like I do, you would have been able to check his status at your leisure.  P.S. - he's still alive.

The second best thing the Super Bowl brought was the announcement that there would be another free Grand Slam Day at your local Denny's tomorrow.  I'm TEAM ANGRY that the nearest Denny's is like 45 minutes away from me.  How is that even possible?  So, I will be missing out on a Grand Slam, but that doesn't mean you have to.  Google map that.


And the third and final awesome thing that the Super Bowl gave the world is.....

PUPPY BOWL VI KITTEN HALF TIME SHOW!


And say what you want about that Google Ad, but it was like watching Valentine's Day and Sweet Home Alabama make love ontop of Hope Floats. Spare me the theatrics Google, no one uses Bing.

Saturday Night Live: Ashton Kutcher Edition

What an episode.  And on the scale of basic literacy and alertness measured by Jon Hamm and January Jones slider bar chart, this was definitely closer to Sergio.  I'm pretty sure that none of the actual episodes funnies were due in part to Ashton Kutcher, because there were about 3 or 5 times throughout the episode that I forgot he was actually hosting.  No offense to him at all, but it just shows how strong the writers and cast have grown this season.

Above is my favorite sketch of the night.  FUNNY VOICES! Ooowooowooo!  Horse cock.  And after the jump are a couple more of the sketches that gave me the best laffers that night!  Plus a bonus Digital Short that didn't make the cut.  It made the internet though.  They always do.

Early Morning Crap

• NEED TURKEY CHEESE FRIES. [urlesque]

•  The Office news that I have been waiting to hear basically call season.  It's about time the Nard-Dog was thrown a bone.  Also a bit spoilery.  [Ausiello Files]

• Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan "hang out and chat for hours about girl stuff"????  What kind of 'girl stuff' are they talking about?  Sour pusses and SCRAM accessories?  [People]

• Speaking of LiLo, now there are rumors that her bff4lyfe SamRo got a little domestic violencey on her face.  Denying the rumor, Lindsay stated that she just bumped her face on the table she was snorting from several times. [dlisted] 

• Dear John finally toppled Avatar's box office domination.  I'd write something semi-funny here but I have a thing for Amanda Seyfried.  [Zap2It]

• The first true colors of a dinosaur have been revealed for the first time after an extensive tone comparing process.  So behold, the Anchiornis huxleyi - a bird with a lizard mouth.  [Gizmodo]

FRIDAY FELINE FIND: Meow-men of Death?

Meet Oscar* (*image photoshopped)  Oscar is the resident feline at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island where he was adopted as a small kitten and raised all of his life.  Just your normal, everyday old folks home cat.  Meowing.  Eating.  Staring out windows.  Hiding.  And picking out exactly which decrepit elderly resident will be the next one to exit in a body bag.


Oscar the "Death Thermometer" Cat has correctly predicted the deaths of about 50 residences at the center.  Soon before it's about time for croaking, Oscar enters the patient's room and curls up with them... meaning only one thing.  Death becomes them.  Even when MEDICAL SCIENCE has pointed to another patient's death, Oscar chose correctly.

Dosa recounts one instance when staff were convinced of the imminent death of one patient but Oscar refused to sit with that person, choosing instead to be on the bed of another patient down the hallway. Oscar proved to be right. The person he sat with died first, taking staff on the ward by surprise

How this everyday cat is able to sense the imminent death of a human being is still unknown.  But what is known, to me, is how EFFING TERRIFYING THIS THIS.  Imagine lying in the dark, dank room of your nursing home, still mouthing the remnants of the plain applesauce you had for dinner, just about ready to drift off to sleep when you feel it.  The furry warm mass pawing at your side.  You look to your left and there he is.  Oscar.  Cat of Death.

See just how this goes down in AWESOME photoshopped glory after the jump...

Facebook Isn't Just For Getting Fired Anymore

When I first joined facebook, it was my sophomore year of college.  It hadn't even come close to critical mass back then and the only thing that posting incriminating information/pictures would do is illicit hilarious comments from friends on your wall - which was like a big electronic dry erase board.

Then facebook got popular with your mother and weirdly, your grandmother and her bridge cronies and then bosses started figuring out they could spy on their employees sultry and booze fueled personal lives which randomly led to a friend of a friend of a friend who works with a dude at a big company can't remember which one who has a friend in HR that got fired because of the pictures she posted on f'book from her weekend adventures as a mega d-esser.

Then this trollop happened.

So, lessons learned right?  If you didn't want to be fired from your ULTRA CORPORATE JR. FINANCE ASSISTANT CAREER promoted or you were ever even thinking about running for Miss Nevada, then you left the slut pictures off your profile.  Nothing else to fear!

UNLESS... you are 39-year-old Christopher Crego of Terre Haute, IN.  You see, Mr. Crego had been on the DL since the fall after he failed to show up for a sentencing hearing after he pleaded guilty to assault.  So, wanting to brag to all the ladies he met at 50 cent boneless wing Thursdays at the local Buffalo Wild Wings the night before, he update his profile to include his pimp job at a tattoo parlor.

Welp, the police in Lockport, NY happened upon his profile why were they on facebook and sent the information along to the US Marshals, who promptly made an arrest.  To show their appreciation for helping them with the arrest, the Lockport PD left Crego a fb message!

Lockport police posted a thank-you note on Crego's Facebook page saying: "It was due to your diligence in keeping us informed that now you are under arrest."

Friend request ACCEPTED!

Thanks Meg!

via LA Times

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Saturday Night Live

Let it be known that I just don't care about Ashton Kutcher.  Don't hate, don't lactate over.  But, I do think he can be a solid host of Saturday Night Live.  On one hand, Mr. Moore does have some comedy chops to his model good looks, even if his voice does sound like it belongs behind a Scooby Doo character.  AAAAND, it doesn't take much to out read, out speak, and out breath January Jones.  But on the other hand, he's following last week's Platinum Advantage Card showing by Jon Hamm, so...  Guess we'll have to warm ourselves up from all the 9 million inches of snow the East Coast is getting tomorrow and find out.

Also Them Crooked Vultures are the musical guest, so that's... got an interesting look about it.

This Will Change My Life Forever

I love ketchup.

RIP Grandma Horton

Last night I read that my favorite soap actress of all time passed away at the age of 95 it was a rough night and this morning I can barely function.  Frances Reid, better known to the entire Days of Our Lives loving world as Grandma Alice Horton, has passed on to that great white Salem in the sky.

Grandma Horton was the OG HBIC of Salem and really wasn't afraid to eff up your bizznass if it meant getting what she wanted.  From the premiere episode back in 1965 to her last episode in 2007, Alice Horton ran that place like the true glamor she was.

Even back in the Days, this Queen B has been bringing the drama, be it discovering that her son Tommy, thought to be killed in Vietnam, was actually some dude named Mark who was suffering from the 'nesia, or when she was almost killed by the medication dispensing robot, or when she helped Bo kidnap Hope which started one of the most well known soap-mega couples of all time.

Alice Horton was a true star and one that any other future soap actor/actress should look up to if they're are any more soaps in 3 years.  Glamorous, conniving in a good way, and always with class, Grandma Horton, you will be truly missed.



I might have cried watching this. Also, there's a zillion of these on youtube already.

Early Morning Crap

• I'd rather have a Gesture Cube than an iPad any day of the week.  Look how cute it's little stand is!  Someone make this a real thing now!   [engadget]

• NBC's cafeteria celebrated Black History Month in the only way it knew how.  The racist way.  More colorful indeed!  [TV Guide]

• Ugly Betty has a set series finale date that will be... THIS SHOW IS STILL ON THE AIR?!  Pity kill already.  [Zap2It]

• Dina Lohan felt it necessary to call up People and give her thoughts so caring this one on her daughters Hoarder house.  First off, I want to say Lindsay Lohan isn't a Hoarder unless there's three feet of human excrement piled on the floor, NOT three feet of cocaine.  [People]

• Speaking of LiLo, it's nice to see that despite her messy house, she's got her personal life in check.  [dlisted]

• Papa Joe Simpson has a new deal with Nickelodeon developing a new show based on his experiences raising his two famous daughters - tentatively titled: Boobs to Fondle [THR]

Aunt Edna's Rolling in Her Grave...

Chevy Chase has seriously been working hard to make us forget he was ever the host of a late show stale yet relevant zing! with is work on Community these last few months, so I'm not entirely sure why it's even necessary for him to go after his classics that were good I'm blatantly referring to Caddyshack II here, because duh. But, apparently someone bestvacationsever.com has offered him and some woman that doesn't look like Beverly D'Angelo but might be? a lot of money to pretend to be in footage of someone driving the Family Truckster that bestvactionsever.com bought off of ebay.

Also, while I'm on the subject, what has B D'Angelo been up to these days?  Welp, never mind.  I checked her imdb page.  She's been on Entourage off and on over the last five years.  Now I know why she's dead to me.  /hatewagon.

Early Morning Crap

• Jimmy Fallon seriously has the best job in the world. [NBC]

• Oprah is finally gonna take the vibrator/camera combo outta her puss and gift the world with another show about herself. [Zap2It]

• Dear MacKenzie Phillips, I know that your childhood was pretty much that of a baby raised by a back alley dumpster, but you don't have to be ashamed of liking your incesty love making. Best wishes, Edgar Allan Poe. [TV Guide]

• FOX might want Conan if Conan can make FOX money which is an obvious concern. NBC responded by remaining 4th in the ratings. [Vulture]

• Heidi Montag was surprised her mother thought she looked like a "circus freak" when she first revealed her melted Good Guy doll face. I'm surprised her mother didn't burst into flames. [People]

• The Large Hadron Collider is set to go full blast in 2013, meaning if the world doesn't end in 2012, then damnit, Switzerland will make sure they take care of it. [Endgadget]
  

Saturday Night Live: Jon Hamm Edition

I'm not even going to get into the entire episode, because let us be real with ourselves, if you wanted to watch Saturday Night Live, you would have. And if you missed t, you'd have checked out hulu for it. But, will say this - favorite digital short of the season. Thank you Jon Hamm for being so willing to do anything.

Early Morning Crap

• Birds playing a guitar. Because they aren't annoying enough as it is, let's amp them up. Imagine the streets of New York if this ever happened. Just imagine. [BuzzFeed]

• Goat Teeth Cutrone has a new show premiering tonight on BRAVO and promises to be filled with lots of yelling and chewed up tin cans. [TV Guide]

• Avatar was number one at the box office again this weekend for the seventh weekend in a row. There's not even a joke to tell about this anymore. [Zap2It]
  

• SyFy is planning on updating a bunch of classic fairytales with modern twists. First up is the reimagining of Beauty and the Beast - now titled, Beast: Rape of the Virgin [THR]

• Prince Harry got his groove back at a Haiti relief benefit over the weekend proving once and for all that despite Gingers not having souls, they've got a modicum of rhythm. [People]

• Rush Limbaugh, not one to be outstaged by anyone, also danced this weekend. Unfortunately, his was more 'seizure/stroke' than dancing. [Vulture]

• Britney Spears, being ever so demure, wore her grandmother's funeral doilies to the Grammys last night. [PopEater]