90210 S02E16: How I've Missed Hating You!

I have just nowi finally caught myself up on the CW masterpiece and remake of our generation, 90210, since it came back from it's Winter hiatus.  Four episodes have aired since its return and as of last night, I'm up to date on the happenings of West Bev that's how you say it if you're cool and the Wilson fam so cool.  I'm not even going to attempt to recap what happened in those first three episodes because I've already forgotten and didn't care when it was happening.  I've almost already forgotten what happened last night too, but I took some notes so we'll be okay.

Friendships, let's begin!  When you're a recovering drug addict with a separate addiction to your ex-boyfriend, how do you Intervention yourself outta that situation?  You hook up with a Ginger Rumer Willis natch!  She's the anti-drug!  Adrianna is just following the old saying, "there's plenty of fish in the sea."  Nice catch!. No offense to Ginger Rdubs, she's actually half decent.  Ashlee Simpson should be jealous.  Or dead.  And anyway, Navid is already dating his own Ginger Rumer Willis.

READ MORE AFTER THE JUMP...

LET'S WATCH: The Trailer for Step Up 3D Dance Tragic Dance

Please watch the following trailer for the move Step Up 3D.  People dance because dance can change things.  A.) Because look at the screengrab at the right that was taken directly from the trailer.  Lasers.  Lasers!  And B.) There is some dialogue in this thing that will make even the coldest of ice hearts melt.  It's like watching pure inspiration.  It's like inspiration is being channeled from the internet and concetrated into video form and then being passed on to you through your eye sockets.  It's like that scene in Ghostbusters II.  I'm inspired.  Friendships, feast your eyes...



This was just said into your ears...

"One move... can bring people together. One move... can make you believe like you're something more."

You are inspired.

It's No "Jack Hughman" But, Luke Wilson Has a Tracy Morgan Story Too

Luke Wilson the not suicide one was on David Letterman's show not the douchey one that stole Conan's, the one that slept with his staff to promote his movie Death at a Funeral that one that looks not so great and conversations quickly turned to Tracy Morgan. Because all conversations on late night talk shows should at some point turn to talking about Tracy Morgan.  Anyway, Luke does a Tracy Morgan-voice that's not quite up to Tina Fey-quality, but she's got a good 3 years on him.

I love how these little nuggets of Tracy Morgan's life keep falling out of the mouths of celebrities that he works with.  It's interesting to see the person his 30 Rock character is based on and how similar they are.  I hope this was irl.

[via vulture]

Let Us Not Forget The City

Yesterday, we all sat around our computers and watched The Hills trailer several times in a row only I did that and later had nightmares of Heidi crying next us while we slept.  It was a good time, we all had a laugh and a scare.  But, we mustn't forget its spin-off show, The City which will also be back for a new season!

You would think that being in New York and away from L.A. that Whitney would be able to avoid all the catfights and drama you wouldn't really think that but, luckily for us, that is not the case.  Olivia is still a MEGA-B for not reason other than being a MEGA-B and/or a rotten vspot.  Even better, Kelly Cutrone, hot off her own show will be back and it looks like she's working in an office that is entirely different from the one on Kelly on Earth.  Along with people that I've never seen before.  Maybe she got evicted from her old place and fired Pancake Face?


Highlights from the preview...

• Erin is still got permanent bitch face. I know she along with the world hates Olivia, but would it kill her to pop an ambien and smile?
• Whitney still doesn't have a boyfriend and probably fails at getting one throughout the whole season.
• Kelly Cutrone seems to be featured more than half the cast.
• Roxie is still on the show.  That's not really a highlight so much as it is funny.
• Whitney uses the word "bitch" when describing Olivia but sounds like she's very uncomfortable doing so.  May I direct her here to learn the proper usage.
• The "walk-off" clips shown back to back of Whitney and Olivia would have been more effective as a split screen with lasers in the background.
• Whitney's still trying to make a clothing line happen?  I thought that was part of the show being fake?

Will anyone be watching this show this season?  Obviously it doesn't have the fear-factor advantage like The Hills does with Heidi's face, but should be a fun brainless romp?  Right?

Early Morning Crap (Famewhores Be Gettin Angry Edition see previous post's comments)

• Tiger Woods' Tramps are putting the golfer on blast for being a cheap.  Take that!  [Today Show]

• Jesse James, continuing to follow T-Woods footsteps, has entered into a facility for sex addition.  Cinnabun released a statement, saying "HA!" [People]

• Jesse James Nazi salute pictures hit the web today.  During Passover.  Nice touch Us Weekly.  [Us Weekly]

• Glee is holding casting calls.  All you have to do is send in an audition tape.  If it's you doing your best 'Mr. Schue rapping' impersonation though, your tape automatically gets burnt.  [Zap2It]

• Matt Damon will be guesting on 30 Rock towards the end of this season and I hope it involves either a fleeting romance with Jenna, cheese fries and Liz, or a dumb-off with Tracy.  [Ausiello Files]

• American Idol kinda sounds like a talent black hole this season.  At least Stephanie Edwards, season 6t finalist still has some talent.  Talent at beating bitches down.  [Evil Beet Gossip]

Lets Meet the Disasters of Tough Love: Couples

Steve Ward and his linebacker mom are coming back to VH1 but they aren't bringing a bunch of bottom-of-the-barrel ladies who can't figure out how to get a good D to S.  Instead, they're bringing with them a bunch of bottom-of-the-barrel couples who probably go elsewhere to get their D's S'ed or their S's D'ed wait?, all for Tough Love: Couples.  This new take on an old beaten down classic features six different couples  "who are all on the brink of deciding whether to get engaged or break up."  How are those your two options!?  How can anyone be teetering the fence between 'lets spend the rest of our lives together from this moment forward' and 'lets end this now so that we can both go our separate ways because we obviously can't stand each other.'

Despite the obvious fact that the basis of this show doesn't make any sense, I will be glued to my television once it premieres on Monday, April 12.  And just what who will I be watching, check out the six couples and my KNEE JERK reactions to their pictures/names after the break...

Kell on Earth S01E08 Season Finale: One Big Happy Fam... WE WORK IN FASHION

And just like your white pantsuit fashion forward! being put back in your closet for Labor Day, Kell on Earth is done for the season.  We've made some friends and we've made some enemies, but at the end of the day, we've made some enemies.  Nothing in this season was resolved, but that's because nothing was brought about that needed resolved.  Stephanie Vorhees fired herself and the uber gay left for queerer pastures in California and never came back.  We know what happens to everyone else that works there already.  You can see it in their eyes.  Just look at that picture above.  No souls.

So, all that was left to do, was once again, reiterate to all of us viewers that fashions is hard and don't work in fashions if you can't handle the heat of all the fashions that are happening around you while you're trying to work.  Get out of fashions kitchen already!  And when you can't get out of the kitchen despite your desperate attempts, you throw a party!  KEEP READING AFTER THE JUMP!

YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND: Trailer Park Stripper For Teens!

Meet Gwendolyn Lowery, your new best friend.  Gwennie here was busted when it was discovered that she was operating a strip club for teenagers out of her trailer - complete with a stripper pole! All inclusive! And she was serving alcohol to her patrons!  She sure knows how to please.  I'd explain the rest, but my words would ruin the greatness.

“The homeowner, Gwendolyn Lowery, opened the door and in the middle of the floor, there were a bunch of guys sitting around a pole,” Scott said.
Alcohol was being served at the makeshift club and deputies said customers as young as 12 were inside.
Investigators also recovered a price list with lap dances being sold for $5 and “VIP” for $25, Scott said.
The mobile home park landlord told deputies March 11 a strip club could be in operation at the park, but wasn’t exactly sure where, Scott said.
Fliers had been circulating about the Sunday’s event, calling it a “hush party,” he said.

FIVE DOLLAR LAP DANCES?!  I've never been to a strip club before vagina-to-air-transmitted syphilis scares me but I can't imagine that Gwennie is charging enough for her services.  If you're going to put yourself out there like that, you gotta charge what you're worth.  Plus, she's accommodating all these youngsters in her own home!  I hope that they were tipping her well for those drinks.  It's like I tell my mom when she makes beaded jewelery for friends, "you gotta know your price".  I can barely talk and text at the same time, so bartending and doing your thang must be difficult.

P.S. - What is the "VIP" thing?

P.P.S. - The only reason she got caught was because, "A disgruntled man called E-911 dispatchers about 1 a.m. Sunday to report there was a strip club operating in the home.  The man was upset because he “had paid $25 and didn’t get what he wanted,” Scott said."


[SCNow via Tabloid Prodigy]

The Trailer for the Final Season of The Hills

Ho-Lee-Sh*t!

Friendships, the trailer trailer!? for the final season of the final season of The Hills has been dropped upon the internet today.  And it is the trailer to end all trailers for The Hills.  It features all of the following:

• Nearly a minute of recapping the first 5 seasons.
• Stephanie Pratt speaking in her native tongue - Trampanese
• Hints of a nonexistent romance between Kristin and  Brody.
• Spencer crying.
• Recycled footage from I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
• A new girl.
• Hints of a nonexistent romance between New Girl and Brody.
• A dramatic door slam.
• Hints of a probably existent problem between Kristin and all sorts of drugs.
• Super epic music that is entirely unnecessary once you consider just how little happens in one episode of this show.
• The face in the picture above.  Now I know why they call it "The Hills."  Because that's where we should all be running when that mug is let loose on the world.

I'm truly upset that this show is ending.  I have a long history with this show and I don't really know how I will cope with not knowing a new season is right around the corner.  Thankfully The City is still going strong right MTV? and supposedly Audrina is getting her own show which I won't watch (I totally will) so I'll have a few shows to keep me occupied late at night on a weekday or in marathon form on Saturday afternoons.  But still.  This shows.  Friendships!  This show!!!  What a sad day it will be. 

"It's Automechanic Time Synergy!"

Though there is nothing more to this eight plus minute long video other than Jerrica Benton yelling "It's showtime Synergy" but it's magical nonetheless.  Every transformation that JBents ever made, most of which were into Jem, are in this video and oh do the childhood memories flow.

If there is one thing that you could get me for my birthday/Christmas/Easter/ArborDay, it would be Jem and the Holograms, the complete series on DVD.  This masterpiece of 80's animation and music is beyond anything that can be done with modern technology today.  I'd go as far as to say that this cartoon was created by a lost civilization of the 80's that went missing once the show was canceled, never to be seen again.  And with it went an entire method for creating the greatest cartoon of our lifetime.  Lost forever.

Or maybe I'm just a bit tripped out right now because I've been watching JatH and Misfit music videos for the last week and a half on youtube.


[via BuzzFeed]

Early Morning Crap (God is Flooding the East Coast Edition)

• Oh Disney... you lazy c****. [urlesque]

• Kate Gosselin proves she's the worst at everything. Literally, every single thing that she attempts she is worst. WORST. [GMMR]

• Jonas Brother 2 and a wannabe Selena are officially dating. That noise you just heard was not the thousands of teen girl hearts breaking, but the sound of thousands of pedophiles losing their boners. [Evil Beet Gossip]

• Ricky Martin admitted yesterday that he is a "fortunate gay man" to which the year 1999, "oooh snap sister, I told you so!" [TV Guide]

• Heidi & Spencer say they aren't getting a divorce and not to believe those rumors that I didn't know/care existed and that were probably started by them so that Billy Bush wouldn't have to use Viagra tonight. [People]

• Lady Gaga is says she can "mentally" achieve an orgasm, but I don't think that's what you call it when you've got your D stuck up your own V. [dlisted]

• Godzilla is getting remade again. AGAIN. But this time it won't start Matthew Broderick and will actually be a remake of the original Japanese movies. As long as Mothra's involved, I'm in. [EW]

• Levi Johnston claims he and Bristol Palin have "gotten better." And you thought Ricky Martin was gay... [Radar]

This is Not How You Count

Michelangelo, Raphael, Is That a Wig, Donatello, and Leonard-Oh those roots are your entire hair color now.


Thanks Chris

SIGN OF THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE #1938

This is a robot that the Japanes durrr have created in hopes of teaching expecting parents the how to care for a child.  The only thing that this would teach me how to care for is my spiked blood pressure.  No more sodium pleeeeease.  I mean, what in the should-have-aborted-hell is this!?  An infant baby  robot with a projector face?  This is where nightmares go to die only to come back and haunt the dreams of other nightmares.  Wait for the 50 second mark when the Japanese manlady? wearing the teddy-overalls not what you're thinking perv lifts up the robaby's blanket.  Whuuuuu?

I'm not entirely sure why the Japanese insist on turning everything in their power into a robot, but the way this is going, our future is either going to end up like the Terminator series or Sonic the Hedgehog.  Depending on your own personal views on robots terrifying it's basically the end of humanity either way.  On one hand, humans are being hunted down and destroyed by robot overlords while in the other, animals are being turned into robotic creations and there are no humans.  LOSE/LOSE.

Early Morning Crap (Buying Tickets for Underage Kids to See Hot Tub Time Machine Edition)

• We Are the World Japanese Edition is so infinitely better that the new WAtW it's embarrassing. Just waaaait until Japanese Cyndi Lauper. SPOT.ON. [Tabloid Prodigy]

• "Bombshell" McGee continues to outclass all the other W-List (W is for whore, or wretched, or wowsupergross) fameseeking harlots out there, now with reports that she applied to be on the show Cheaters. [Zap2It]

• The White House Gatecrashers are probably going to be on Real Housewives of D.C. which is about as surprising as finding out that BRAVO is doing a Real Housewives of D.C. edition. [EW]

• Battlefield Earth's writer is finally apologizing for the movie to worst all movies. Oh John Travolta, it would be your fault wouldn't it? [NYP]

• Ace Young, despite failing to catch much of America's attention on Idol, is sure trying his darndest to catch the attention of every gay in New York. [People]

• Snooki and The Situation met the mayor of New York which I feel is just a littered soda bottle away from being an SNL-Gov. Paterson "NEW JERSEY!" joke. [dlisted]

• Hot Tub Time Machine might not have struck a chord up the box office, but it sure struck a chord with my funny bone. ZINGER ON MONDAY! Haven't seen it? Then 10 things you can expect when you do! [TMVP]

Jambertronicles: A Lesson in - Marine Biology

It's that time of the week my friendships!  The new funny haha team, Jamber*Tronix, featuring my partner in comedic naivety, Meghan Conda (@condasometimes), and myself are pleased to present you with another installment in the Jambertronicles series.  It's basically Meghan and I "explore the world we live in as only two adult-onset-Aspergery people know how... super Aspy-like" - as I described it for our first lesson.

Watch, share, and show your friends!!

The Nerd in Me Rejoices

As a huge video game nerd, I feel it is my Friday responsibility to bring this to your attention.  Aside from just how beautifully it's drawn, the little story itself is hilarious.  Plus it made me smile.

I remember the very first time I heard about Toad's important message and I was BLOWN.AWAY. at the realization.


[via GoNintendo]

Know When You Go, With a Pee-Text!

Because let's face it, being so old and/or sick that you can't take care of yourself and are forced by your 'loving' family into an assisted living facility isn't embarrassing enough.  Nor is the fact that you are so old and/or sick that you can't even make it to the bathroom in time for your doo doo or pee pee that you are forced by the staff to wear adult diapers.  Nor is the fact that you are so old and/or sick that you can't change your doo dooed and pee peed diapers on your own.  Nor is the face that you are so old and/or sick that you can't even alert the on duty nurse to inform her that your doo dooed or pee peed diapers need changed so you have to just sit there until one of them finds you hours after it happened.  Nor is the fact that you probably doo dooed or pee peed a second time because it took so long.

Since none of that is embarrassing enough, how about we stick a a sensor in your diaper to sense moisture so it can send a text to the staff saying you pooed or peed.  "mr. jenkins peed. lmao. u should change him"  Pretty safe to assume that this defacexting is up there on the list of "most humiliating uses of technology."  Though coming up with what those text would say is preeeetty hilarious.

"miss rose did #2. grossybears. lol. her ass will ttyl"

What would your defacexting alert say friendships??


[via engadget]

Early Morning Crap (Everybody's Working for the Weekend Edition)

• These Two start off with the most annoying of TV show themes for the most annoying of TV shows, but it does get better...  [@mazzagab]

• Jesse James is continuing to work at his West Coast Choppers business amidst all the allegations of the growing marriage scandal.  His tricks, on the other hand, might never have to work again.  [People]

• Reggie Bush is continuing to work at making sure he's the next Jesse James.  [Evil Beet Gossip] 

• SYFY is continuing to work at making creating more original programming to bring a larger variety to the network.  Like a live-action comedy!  Which is weird, because I thought all of the SYFY Originals were comedies??  [THR]

• Anderson Cooper is continuing to work at being the hardest working and most adventurous gay on the news.  Sharks?  Pushaw!  [dlisted]

• The John Gosselin Impersonator is continuing to work at being the least desirable human being on the planet, which is impossible, because look at who he is impersonating.  But give it the ol' college try anyway creep.  [Tabloid Prodigy]

• Heidi Montag is continuing to work at sucking and being a disillusioned trollop face.  [Celebitchy]

"That's E-f***inough!"

The Real Housewives of New York City are about half way through their season and I'm already done with them.  They're about as watchable as those leather handbags from Orange County.  Even Ramona is getting on my nerves and she's not legally intelligent enough to be considered a living creature!

But, luckily for me and the rest of the world, the hardest working prostitution whores on the East Coast are back.  The Real Housewives of New Jersey premieres on May 3rd and it's going to be a juicy.



I don't know what I'm more excited about, Danielle's mega trout lips, Teresa's ripped virgle, or constant fighting?!  I can easily say that this preview has already introduced a brand new phrase for me that I will attempt to use any chance I can get.  "That's e-f*ckinough!"  BRILLIANT!  I can't wait to slam that one down the next time a bank teller gets snippy with me after I try to withdraw monies that I don't have for the third time that day.  These broads are masters of the English language like no one I know.  It's like they're literary scholars.  And prostitution whores.  CAN'T WAIT!

P.S. - BRAVO's having a crazy tweet/facebook/chat/text party tonight during RHNYC over at talkbubble  and if you follow @bravotv and tweet with the hashtag #realhousewives you might win a Flip MinoHD!

thanks emily

First Seth Meyers Doing Will Forte, Now Tina Fey Doing Tracy Morgan

Tina Fey's impersonation of Tracy Morgan isn't quite as spot on as Seth's Will see below, she makes a fairly admirable attempt.  It could also be that whatever Tina Fey says/touches/does turns to humor.  It's like those kinda recent skittles commercials that left me with day terrors thinking about what my life would be like if that happened to me.  Except in her case, she's not an older black man and the skittles are all tiny little laughs from people everywhere.  Also, I just realized how weirdly misleading the title of this post could be.



via bwe.tv

MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: The Man Who Carved His Name Into His GF's Chest

My home state, Ohio, is an amazing place and truly does have something for everyone.  From it's cities to it's smallest burgs and from it's beaches to it's hilly countryside there's always something to do, see, or experience.  But, it's not perfect.

Meet Mike Welliver of Springfield, Ohio who, after a long night of cocaine, alcohol, and discussions of tattoos, carved his name into the chest of his girlfriend.  I want your bad romance.

Being the class act that Mr. Welliver is though, you can tell just how classy he is by his expensive Wal*Mart haircut (no offense Wal*Mart haircuts, I've had one there before.) he didn't finish with just his name.  Nor did he really worry about proper spelling.

Police said he used a pocket knife to carve his name into the woman's chest on the morning of February 19th. Lt. Jim Hutchins said, "They did find that he had carved, 'I luv Mike Welliver,' carved in with a heart."

And the cokey acts of love would have gone unnoticed but Mr. Welliver was arrested a few days later on unrelated charges, and the 'I luv Mike Welliver Jack-o-Lantern' reported the incident at that time.

Mr. Body Grafitti did apologize for the incident saying:

In a jailhouse interview on Wednesday night, Welliver admitted to the chest carving, but said he should not be found guilty of assaulting the woman. He said a lot of what happened was fueled by stupidity and cocaine. "Now that I look at i, sitting here right now, if somebody asked me, I wouldn't do it," said Welliver. "That's the whole part of this.... is cocaine. We were high out of our mings[sic] and things went crazy."

And if that's not exactly how I feel every morning when I wake up with just socks and sandals on laying on the floor of my dining room under a partially packed suitcase.   I sit up and think "That's the whole part of this.... is cocaine. I was high out of my mind and things went crazy.  All things considered, I don't think there's any reason Mike should be in any trouble.  Obviously his girlfriend didn't mind.  She did let him do it.  And, according to the story, she even carved her initials into his chest.

If we're going to be pointing fingers, I think we should point them at "unrelated charges."  If it wasn't for them, this whole event wouldn't even be news and everyone could go back to their lives.  Mike could be doing a line of cocaine right now while his girlfriend carved "Dixie Normous" onto his thigh.


[via]

The Legend of Boner Ghost

Seth Meyers and the cast and crew of MacGruber were at SXSW which is something that people pretend to know what it is, but in reality, no one really knows.  Especially me.  What is it?  Don't tell me because I want to continue reading it as "sex-ew."  At a panel, Seth told the story of a little prank that Will Forte pulled on him during the filming of the movie.



Everyone knows that pranks aren't cool unless it's unintentional.  Like, pushing someone threw a glass door sucks.  But cleaning a glass door because it's dirty only to have someone walk through it because it was so clean is funny.  That's how I feel about this prank.   Tres Lame.  I took a lot of French in school.

But, there is one saving grace.  Seth Meyer's impersonation of Will Forte is so good I closed my eyes and thought that Will Forte had pranked me by pushing Seth Meyers through a glass door and then continued the conversation where Seth left off.  Then I opened my eyes.  My brain punk'd me.  Ashton!

Early Morning Crap

• Al Roker's only best video tribute as performed by a Lady Gaga Muppet.  [@alroker]

• The Hills will be ending after the upcoming season which hopefully means so will Heidi & Spencer, because they're like Santa Clause right?  The less we believe, the more they fade?  [TV Guide]

• Rachel Berry is getting a new man on Glee and he's from the rival show choir, Vocal Adrenaline, which at first you think is treason, but if you've ever lived that life judge all you want, I looked good in pleather pants and sequins you'd know that it's one big go-and-blow.  [Zap2It]

• Octomom isn't going to be evicted from her house just yet, but that's only because she loves doing what she does best...er... second best, pimping out her child herd.  [dlisted]

• Michelle McGee claims the only reason she entered into the affair she had with Vanilla Gorilla is for the money.  And with that, I'm now convinced she's going after Jon Gosselin's coveted most hated Z-list trash pile title [Evil Beet Gossip]

• At the Movies, a show made famous by Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel will air it's last episode in August.  Sad bears, despite that I never watched it or really care.  [Vulture]

Local News Anchor Woman, You Are On the Ground

It's right before my bedtime and I'm going to go to bed dreaming about how much fun it must be to be a local news anchor.  You can basically do whatever you want as long as you apologize or promise you're not injured when you fall off your chair live on air like a moron that can't sit in a chair correctly while they're delivering some cute banter live on air for the evening news.  Heck, you can use choice language that makes even a sailor blush.  Just ask Sue Simmons.



via buzzfeed

Bad Girls Club S04E15 - Reunion Episode Part 2: Just Like Kate, I'm Done With These Tricks

Bad Girls Club season 4 came to a close last night culminating with the airing of the second part of the reunion special.  These two-part reunion episode things, which I'm pretty sure the BGC-old lady edition or Real Housewives of ShootMe started are incredibly draining on the audience and the nation's intelligence.  It's not bad enough that we had to listen to Easter Island Chin yell the entire time seriously, she never brought it below an 11, but Perez Hilton was also there to antagonize mediate the group.  But, I guess he was a perfect fit considering three of the girls were sent home for beating the whore out of the other ones.

Nonetheless, the episode was still just a trampy, screech fest with a bunch of day shift prosties, the bust of Jay Leno, and a glamorous diamond in the rough all screaming at each other like they were on some game show called Screech Fest.

After the first 10 minutes I was done with these trash babies.  I supported all season long, but last night was the final straw.  There's only so much of Easter Island Chin yelling "Shut Up" that I can take. For example...

Madonna and Mariah Carey are Lizzing

IS THIS REAL LIFE?! Even if it is, we're going to have a heck of a lot harder time trying to descern what's real and what's fake after Photoshop CS5 drops with its "content-aware" tool.  This is like some sort of computer witchcraft and I'm about ready to break out my drowning ropes out to check all the employees of Adobe.

Do you understand the ramifications that this new tool will bring about?  Madonna and Mariah Carey are probably sending out pink slips to their armies of retouchers as I type this.  No need for a pro when Madonna can sit in her quadrillion dollar bed with foreskin sheets and use her Macbook Air to remove her zombie scarecrow arms herself.  And Mariah's most likely already got an advanced copy of CS5 and is going through all of her old album covers and taking away 10 or 15 pounds here and there.  From this date forward, anytime we see a picture of Mimi it's going to look like someone photoshopped her head onto Kate Moss' body.

Welcome to the Photocalypse.

"Sneaky Gays," Unveil Yourselves!

Sue's Corner is back for a little hold-me-over I need more until Glee returns on April 15th.  Jane Lynch's quotable one-liner quota is pretty much through the roof even on a regular episode.  So what happens when you condense all of that down into a tight, two minute and twelve second long jaunt down Sue Sylvester lane while making stops at all your favorite places?  "I wanna see enormous, fuchsia rhinestone studded gay claws so cumbersome you can't even perform the most basic tasks or personal hygiene." - that's what.  Just watch.

ANIMALS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE: The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay

The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has been eluding police in the area for over a year now, all the while doing what monkeys do, like stealing your grapefruit and swimming in your pool.

The rhesus macaque monkey isn't just any rogue monkey living it up in the wild.  This guy is smart.  He's been seen looking both ways before crossing busy streets and even knows to avoid power lines.

Vernon Yates, a professional animal trapper is this a sport? has been tracking the little guy for a while and has probably had it up to ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ with the missing monkey jokes has shot the monkey with some tranquilizer darts to no avail.  The monkey just threw poo at him.  Which seems about right.  When I see monkeys at a zoo, there are only three things I've ever seen them do.  1.) Pick bugs off each other and eat it.  2.) Masturbate.  3.)  Throw poop.  Now if that's not the life.  Free bugs!

This growing legend, which is starting to sound more and more like the Leprechaun of Atlanta the more I write about it, has even attracted the national news... like The Today Show.




And better yet, this damn thing has a facebook page!  It has more friends than me!  It's a monkey!  Can this monkey get more fans than Dem Franchize Boy?  Oh yes...

TOP 10 TUESDAY: Duck Fornication

It is almost Easter round these parts and I couldn't be more excited.  It means the greatest chocolate candy that has ever been created will be back on the shelves for me to buy by the pallets.  THE PALLETS.  But seriously, those things are my favorite.  Anyway, since it's so close to the choc-liday, I felt it was only appropriate to focus this week's Top Ten Tuesday on the second most popular animal associated with Easter. Bunnies are overrated.  It's about time that America's favorite water foul received some recognition for all the times I threw rocks at them when I was younger and my mother took me to a local pond to feed them.  In case you were illiterate from the time you started reading the title until riiiiiiiiight now, I'm talking about DUCKS!

Because Easter is all about racks of lamb, mini-eggs, drunken family members, mini-eggs, getting dressed up in your Sunday best, mini-eggs and most importantly...egg hunts, I thought it was most fitting to showcase the process of creating all those eggs!  DUCK SEX!  And what do you need for duck sex?  A duck penis of course!  Link is totes NSFW unless you work for duck fertility specialist.  So, join me for the ten best duck sex pictures the internet has to offer...


1. This is what the Duck world version of Beauty & The Beast looks like.

source

2. Duck Gang Bang.

source

 CHECK OUT THE REST, AFTER THE JUUUUMP!

DON'T FORGET TO WATCH: Bad Girls Club

I'm gonna keep this one simple.  The final half of the Bad Girls Club reunion episode is tonight at 10:00 on OXYGEN.  This is only part of what's happening.  This is me thinking about tonight.

Kell on Earth S01E07: Pancake Face, I Hate You

Kell on Earth, let's talk.  It's been a while since we've talked.  So let's.  I am going to start off by saying "yes" to your show.  Yes, I enjoy it.  It reaffirms to me that I'm happy I never even once gave any thought to ever entering the fashion industry.  Sweatpants from the Wal*Mart clearance shelf are just too comfortable.  Also, you all seem like miserables.  Miserables is an understatement.  You all seem like you're being held captive in small, rusty iron cages hanging precariously over a lake of fire while licked by by the flames of hell, which is coincidentally exactly how I picture working in the fashion industry would feel.

But, anyone who's on the outside probably has a skewed view of the fashion industry and their/my vision of it seeming like being held captive in small, rusty iron cages hanging precariously over a lake of fire while licked by the flames of hell may be a tad too realistic, I'm sure you enjoy your jobs.  You have to.  Why else would you continue doing it?  I hope it's not to reaffirm to yourself that you haven't let your life slip into a perpetual cycle of bruised egos, black parachute tops, and jeggings Jeggings! and that you're truly doing this because somewhere, deep inside of your broken down, haggard, goat toothed body and shambled personal life is some sort of happiness pocket that peeks forth through your yellowed grin once in an cokerexic model's lifetime.

But I digress.  My real issue here isn't about your happiness.  Because that is something that I don't care about.  You've dug your grave of scarves, old blackberries, and cold coffee, you can lay in it like the alpha female you are.  My problem with you runs much more superficially than that, which I think you will be okay with since, well, you work in the fashion industry.  It's also after the break...

Early Morning Crap (Pizza Leftovers for Lunch Edition)

• Raccoon Remodelers!  [BuzzFeed]

• Michael Jackson's death is still being investigated because of the alleged actions of his doctor during his final moments.  Also still being investigated, my sanity.  [TV Guide]

• Phil Spector got jailhouse rocked after he "mouthed off" to another inmate, sustaining a bruised face and nose.  He could have avoided injuries if he'd have just used his wig to Popple himself.  [Evil Beet Gossip] 

• Two lesbians leave a hotel together.  And another trendy lesbian silently weeps and maybe does copious amounts of blow.  [Tabloid Prodigy]

• Bindi Irwin claims "I feel lost without animals." which makes me think she's a closet furry.  Think about it!  Perfect guise!  [People Pets]

• Miley Cyrus will be mentoring the remaining contestants on American Idol tonight as the producers try to reach out to a sluttier younger demographic.  She's a decent fit for that category, but we all know who would have been the best choice.  [Vulture]

• Sarah Palin is coming to reality TV - but not quite as you'd expect.  Think more along the lines of Life but instead of Oprah narrating, it would sound like this. [THR]

THANK YOU INTERNET: Hatchet Happenings

Thank you internet for being an outlet for the Juggalos.  Without you, the Juggalos would not be able to share their upcoming Hatchet Happenings I don't even know where to look to find out what that actually is.  This is a monthly show.  And it's 12+ minutes long.  TWELVE MINUTES of news from the Juggalo underbelly.

I know I speak for the internet when I say, I cannot wait for the next episode.  Hatchet Happenings is the new chatroulette what?


thanks Sarah

Happy 50th Birthday Laser!

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the invention of a very incredible piece of technology.  It was 50 years ago that two really intelligent white guys received a patent for the laser.

From that day forth, the Death Star grows ever closer to being something that could exist, the military grows ever closer to maybe using them someday to defend, the fight scenes in the animated G.I. Joe grow ever closer to being reenacted by my friends, and cats across the world grow ever closer to insanity you can't catch lasers silly!

So, to celebrate the wonder that is the laser, only the greatest video tribute starring the man tech of the hour after the jump.

DID YOU WATCH LIFE?!

Alright, let me preface this post with this.  Discovery Channel's epic series Planet Earth is my favorite piece of media that has ever been created.  Watching it give me more joy than actually finding a box of Frosted Cherry PopTarts why are they always so hard to find? and it made me realize just how beautiful the world around us is.  So stop buying those palettes of bottled water from Sam's Club awwrite!?

Life is a spiritual successor to that series and it began airing last night on a simulcast showing across Discovery, Animal Planet, TLC and probs some others.  Above is the trailery thing for it.

This series is narrated by Oprah no not that one and though I would have preferred Sigourney Weaver again, Gayle's BFF4L did a very commendable job.  It's just amazing what our little planet hides under all the trash heaps and Starbucks we humans have created.

After the jump, are my SEVEN FAVORITE MOMENTS from the LIFE premiere.

Early Morning Crap (It's Raining Again Edition)

• Because all Mondays should start with this video.  P.S. - Is that Charlie's brother's laugh?  [urlesque]

• Jason Wahler was busted for a DUI over the weekend guys!   When it rains it pours.  Cripes.  [TV Guide]

• Octo-Mom has been contacted by some porn guy, who has offered to pay all the back-payments (all $460K of them) if she stars in a film.  I direct you to this excellent read. [Evil Beat Gossip]

• New Moon's director said, despite his previous promises, that there are no deleted scenes on the recently released DVD.  In unrelated news, hit men across the country are being hired at unprecedented rates.  [Zap2It]

• Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen weren't already married?  ALL THIS TIME I COULD HAVE MADE MY MOVE!?  My face is pouring.  [dlisted] 

• Rosie O'Donnell is coming back to TV!  Koosh stocks have begun reanimating all across the globe inciting fear and riots.  [EW]

• Jane Fonda is holding a World Fitness Day on May 1st allowing participants to enjoy work outs with her, Billy Blanks, and Richard Simmons.  What about the ladies from Body Fuzion!?  [People]

• There are few things in this world that bring me as much joy as this picture.  [@sarahaines]

JAMBERTRONICLES: A LESSON IN... SOCIAL GRACES

Hey friendships!  I'd like to apologize for the bizarre absenty, dadnotshowinguptoyoursoccergames kinda posting that I've been doing the last week.  I've been getting a few things ready for a side project I'm working on - JAMBER*TRONIX - which is a new comedy duo featuring my friend Meghan Conda and myself.  I'm super excited to be able to show you the very first episode in our Jambertronicles series where Meghan and I explore the world we live in as only two adult-onset-Aspergery people know how... super Aspy-like.

So, please enjoy our first lesson.  It's a look into the world of dating etiquette.  Do you split the bill?  What really constitutes a 'date'?  Do you pull the seat out for her?  Do you let him order for both of you?  All those questions will not be answered... and more!

Smize in the Face of Danger

I don't watch America's Next Top Model anymore because I started confusing the girls on that show with the girls on Rock of Love 2 which was a pretty obvious sign that the winners of ANTM don't amount to anything more than moms in a Sears Catalog for meth-faced chronic masturbaters to look at while they cook up their next meal.

Plus the show just got boring.  If you seen one weepy, flaccid bone bag complain about getting her hair cut during the makeover episode, then you've seen every weepy flaccid bone bag complain about getting her hair cut during the makeover episode.

But, if every episode featured giant pendulums swinging back and forth across the runway like a Tyra-attempt at making something look dangerous it's high fashion based on The Pit and the Pendulum, I'm buying it at Barneys. then I would be watching every episode.  VIDEO AFTER THE BREAK.  ***Spoiler Alert*** She falls twice.

Early Morning Crap (Barely Awake Edition)

• DAMNIT BETTY WHITE!  Stop being the most adorable and huggable person to be in the entertainment industry.  My face can't keep handling the smiles!  [EW]

• Jayma Mays has been cast in the new, live action Smurfs movie.  Nope, that's not your hangover talking, there really is a Smurfs movie in the works.  If there is no Azrael the cat, so help me... [Zap2It]

• The Apprentice, regular version, is being rebooted by NBC and will focus on people effected by the crapconomy.  Because if there's anything that people barely scraping by without jobs need, it's to be fired.  [TV Guide]

• Sandra Bullock really had a lot going for her.  Until that grossy-bears street eater plopped onto the scene.  There's really nothing funny about all of this.  [dlisted]

• Speaking of back alley gutter trolls, yet another "lady" is coming forth claiming to be a Tiger Woods' punch card.  [Evil Beat Gossip]

• Wipe the green puke nuggets from the corner of your mouth, Conan O'Brien might finally be in talks with FOX to get a show back on the air!  [THR] 

• Zero-Star Hotel?   It sounds like a dream.  Especially when you consider my current living situation.  [BWE.tv]

• Shut Up Kirstie Alley.  Just shut up.  You got what you wanted.  Stupid publicity for your cat lemur lady show on A&E.  Now just shut your KFC Extra Crispy Family Sized Bucket Hole.  [People]

LETS WATCH: TipToes

I am watching this tomorrow and I will report back with my findings. They can only be WIN. Let me highlight a few things from the trailer (above) that I noticed that I think you might enjoy.

• This is a real film.  It stars Matthew McConaughey.

•  Peter Dinklage is also in this movie.

• There is a Goldie Hawn reference.  Topical!

• MCons is Jewish.

• GARY OLDMAN is in this, acting in "THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME"

• Gary Oldman's character is special needs.

How is this movie something that was actually created?  Why was it created?  And finally, why was I not informed of it's creation the moment it came to exist?  Join me tomorrow because obviously, all of you have all the free time in the world while I watch TipToes and enjoy what might just be, movie of the EVER.

thanks Chris

Nothing Says "I'm Irish" Like Leprechaun 4: In Space

As if the holiday dedicated to Saint Patrick was not damaged enough already by being the only holiday of the year where alcoholics can pass as every day citizens and every college student across the country is losing various parts of their green apparel as the meander around from bar to bar, the true Irish out there also have this gem to cherish as part of their heritage.  Leprechaun 4: In Space. 

So to all you green blooded Irishmen and Irishwomen out there, I say watch the trailer and cheers to the epic masterpiece that is L4IS, the one where he jumps out of a guys penis.

This is Not My Ideal Girlfriend

That is all.



[via buzzfeed]

SIGN OF THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE #8487

Oh my! What an adorable baby you are pushing around in that stupid looking stroller there.  It reminds me of my own children when they were that age.  Oh, me?  I had seven.  They're all grown up now.  Families of their own.  It's wonderful seeing my grandchildren.  Yes, yes... they grow like weeds.  Well, I'll let you be on your way.  I just wanted to compliment your new born.  Oh, but before I go... DO YOU KNOW IF IT'S EVEN HUMAN!?  Or is it just a fleshy, synthetic skin suit stretched over a mechanical monstrosity that's been switched out for your real baby which is now being used as a human battery in a processing plant to make more of those terrible creatures you hold in your hands!?

GO TAKE YOUR OWN MEDS YOU BWORD, I'M JUST TRYING TO WARN YOU!!!!


thanks Meghan

Early Morning Crap (A Week Later Edition)

•  Betty White, of course, is the only person on this earth that could get me to watch The New Tonight Show.  This woman.  Hugs.  Ugh, but Jay Leno.  That guy.  Stabs.  [PopWatch]

• Sandra Bullock, BDubs forever lady, might be in the midst of some relationship turmoil.  Her husbo Jesse James might have stuck it to some trampsy dampsy named Michelle "BOMBSHELL" McGee.  MCGEE!!!!  [dlisted]

• SYFY's upcoming original movies listings are too good to be true.  Sharktopus?!?!  Everyone knows that Sharks and Octopussies are eternal enemies... COMBINING THEM!?!  Frothing.  [Zap2It]

• Winnie Cooper, less commonly known as Danica McKellar, is expecting her first child.  There goes my hopes of having a child with my OG childhood crush.  I blame this on Becky Slater.  [People]

• Regina King isn't such a big fan of NBC since the whole 'canceled Southland' thingy, comparing them to basically everyone that's ever been on Intervention.  [Vulture]

• French Fries are not to be messed around with.  OR ELSE YOU GET YOUR EAR CHOMPED!  [Tabloid Prodigy]
  

Early Morning Crap (SUPER LATE EDITION)

• H&M in France sucks.  [dlisted]

• So does the First Lady Bridal Shop in Detroit.  [Tabloid Prodigy]

• Betty White will host Saturday Night Live on May 8th and will reunite a slew of other lady SNL cast members.  At last, I can finally say I "accomplished" something while on facebook!  [People] 

• Could Michael Lohan actually be the one behind the E-Trade/LiLo lawsuit?  If so, it looks like someone's really pushing hard for the 2010 Father of the Year Award.  [Evil Beat Gossip]

• Evan Rachel Wood has pulled out of the Spider-Man musical due to 'scheduling conflicts.'  I'm sure it had nothing to do with the [TV Guide]

• Corey Haim conspiracy theories are a GO!  [Pop Crunch]
  

Bad Girls Club: S04E13 SEASON FINALE

Season finales are always bittersweet.  You're bitter that one of your favorite reality shows is ending for a long time and it's sweet because the reunion episode is up next aaaand the new season is starting this summer.  And it's no different with last night's season finale of Bad Girls Club.  It's like a broken down, VD-riddled street lady being forced to retire.  Barely anyone wants to pay for anything she has to offer, but those that do... they just can't live without! I'll find you someday Twinkle Pusstina.

I wish I could tell you how awesome the episode was right now, but those dirty bholes failed at a perfect opportunity to ruin my glamazon Kate's things!  Yes, yes she should have been sent home for that butterfly kiss of a punch she delivered ever so delicately to Annie's face.  Which left the remaining girls an chance to really get even.  And what do they do?  They throw Kate's clothes around and squirt some Lubriderm on them?  You wanna be bad girls ladies?  Then you should have had Annie purge last night's dinner into the bottom of Kate's suitcases and sent them on their way.  Dried, cakey bile is a Bad Girl seal of approval.

After Kate got sent home, the episode took a turn for the Annie-get-your-gun-wait-she-probably-already-has-one.  More after the break... plus some videos!

ANIMALS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE: Afterbirth Explosion

I feel like someone should have put a tarp down.

Happy 60th Anniversary Willard Scott

Everyone's favorite Alzhie Uncle, Willard Scott, celebrated his 60th year at NBC and 30th year at The Today Show today.  Now, I want to pay my due respect to this man, who for years has served as the wacky, borderline speshneeds secondary cast member to the gang on The Today Show providing many laughs at his own expense and making sure that The Soup always has something to fall back on.

And, as you might have imagined, The Today Show made sure that the Archives Intern had some late, late nights pouring through hours of old footage looking for stuff to throw into a video montage of memories and gap-toothed grins.  That intern works for fingernail clippings and coffee straws.

It was kind of neat to take a trip down old people clothes from old people times lane, but I was a little disappointed that the Archives Intern forgot to include the most important and notable aspect of Willard Scott's career.

He was the very first Ronald McDonald.  He also played Bozo the clown for a short time in the Washington D.C. franchise of the show, but that's neither here nor there.  That's right, that redheaded burger pusher gracing the box now it's usually paper bags, what up with that? began with the Smuckers Birthday Guy.  Video after the break!

Does Anyone Have $86,000 I Could Borrow For a SUPER AWESOME INVESTMENT?

I promise I will think about how I could repay you someday you know I'm good for it. I'm going to use that money to purchase a Martin Jetpack. It's the first commercially available jetpack which means us plain foke can be just like the rich people we see on the picture screens.

In all seriousness* *in all seriousness, I mean absolutely not seriously at all though, it's basically the best investment for me personally right now. It runs off of gasoline, you can get 30 minutes of flight, and there's a bunch of safety stuff installed so I don't just crash and die at take off. That 30 minute flight could get me to work so fast, you wouldn't even believe it! And gas prices have been fairly steady recently. So, I could afford to ask you for some more money for gas now and then.

I might even let you try it out some weekend when I've got nothing to do. You'd have to pay for your own gas though. Hey, what do you expect, I'm not made of money here!

Could you imagine what it would be like to be up in the air in one of these things and have to poo really bad? It's like reverse Duck Hunt!

Video of this crazy thing in action after the jump!

Early Morning Crap (CHILD STAR EDITION)

• Lindsay Lohan will not come clean about being "back on the cock" on some gay British dude's talk show.  She also will not just come clean.  [Tabloid Prodigy] 

• Corey Haim died of an apparent drug overdose today.  It's truly sad when you think about it... that Dr. Drew can't get to every drug addicted former child star.  [TV Guide]

• 24 might just be ending after it's 8th season, allowing for a movie to begin production.  Thus bringing to a close another child star's legacy.  This one not being a horrible drug addiction.  [Zap2It]

• Taylor Momsen is really making sure she follows the 'rebel child star' handbook to a T.  Next up, rehab stint, rumored pregnancy, aaaaaaand either a lesbian romp or a much older dude hookup.  [dlisted]

• Eclipse has a teaser trailer PREVIEW.  And in that ten seconds of breathy talking, they managed to cram in a clip of that scrunch face kid shirtless.  Lonely single moms everywhere now have something to dream about tonight.  [PopCrunch]

• Ricky Martin's career was ruined when Barbara Walters pushed to make him admit that he was gay.  At least according to Babs herself.  Though, I'd tend to say that his career was ruined when the world finally got Livin' La Vida Loca out of their heads.  [Evil Beat Gossip]