Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Nothing Makes Me Happier Than This Right Now...

It's finally coming back. Life = complete.

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Monday, January 17, 2011


I have never seen a commercial that dances closer to how I feel every time I eat Cheetos in my entire life only the crunchy kind, puffs are barf. When I used to work at a bang during summer vacations in college, the 50 and 60 year old ladies I worked with would bring in BAGS of these throughout the week and I would EVERY LAST BAGS OF THESE. And we would dance. It wasn't sexual. It was. It wasn't. Gross, you guys.

Even now, every once in a while when I'm at my current work, I take a trip down to the vending machine at the other end of the hallway and it's a special trip because I don't get up and walk to the other end of the hallway for just any dollar priced snack I also usually don't have dollars on me. But, once I hit C-6, I just want to dance the crunch away.

This commercial is perfect.

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Mostly, robots are biding time and resources until they can launch their full scale attack aimed at the mass and total extinction of the human race. But in those rare instances in which they are not doing that, they are DANCING!!!

At the 2:48 mark (the one pictured above) is your nightmares. But the one at the 3:30 mark makes up for it. (it= your Japanese nightmares)


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YOU SMART THINKER, YOU: Baby Bathroom Stall Hanger

Picture this: You've got a mega-poop ready to leave your butt hole. READY TO LEAVE. You also have a small child baby ready to kidnapped if you leave it on the counter in the Wal*Mart bathroom you're in the more babies you have the more monies from the government you get! Midwestnomics!

What are you to do? That poop wants to leave. NOW!

Welp, this has obviously been a problem for someone out there on ONE TOO MANY OCCASIONS. And thus, The BabyKeeper was created.

Gotta poop? Hang your baby on the stall door. Gotta lady pee? Hang your baby on the stall door. Gotta change your female hygiene product during a particularly heavy day? Hang your baby on the door. Gotta a nasty hangover that's coming back up? Hang your baby on the door. Gotta cry your emotions to yourself because you hang your baby on a door? Hang your baby on the door. Gotta eat your McDonald's lunch that you bought in the Wal*Mart you're shopping in in privacy because of the trashies filling up all the seats in the eat-in McDonalds? Hang your baby on the door.

THIS.IS.GENIUS. Until someone steals your baby thinking it's a purse you hung on the door.


thanks Meghan!

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MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: Buckeye Stadium Created Entirely of LEGOS!

I like LEGOS a lot. I played with them all the time as a child. I played with them so much that each and every LEGO guy that I owned has his little back story and personality and everyone would have to team up to fight against the wicked witch LEGO lady or the aliens. Sometimes the aliens and the witch would team up. It was epic. I was surprisingly not home schooled.

As much as I loved my LEGOS, I'm not entirely sure I'd have enough patience to sit through this massive construction. It took Paul Janssen, an associate prof at Ohio State University THREE YEARS just to collect all the 450 THOUSAND dead pieces that went into recreating The Horseshoe. And he didn't modify a single piece kudos to him because I was always STAUNCHLY against anyone that janked up their pieces, I'm a purist kill me.

Check out the video...

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Sunday, January 16, 2011


comic sans

But anyway, liveblog central here! Who's excited? NO ONE AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES!!!

But twiceyway, I'll be watching this 3 trillion hour show and you know the drill. Barf, I'm already tired.

What are your predictions? My mom: "Is Black Swan gonna sweep everything?" she's never seen the movie. I think Natalie Portman's unborn fetus is going to sweep everything it's already swept all the best future celebrity child awards In Touch Weekly already has its cover ready. Welp, see you at 8:00 pm.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011


We're gonna make this one short and sweet. The season finale of Hoarders was about rats. THOUSANDS OF RATS. There was some other deplorable woman on the episode, she had cats and she lived in a house owned by her father but didn't care it was a total disaster. She then didn't want any help. She blew. RATS were the main focus and rats you are gonna get. THOUSANDS OF RATS.

Basically, I'm going to take you on an GIFventure of what you watched last night. It's only GIFs. GIFS OF RATS.

So find your Commander Whitehead and lets get going...

Is the Tron Segway What Tron Mall Security Cops Ride?

I was gonna try to make fun of this Tron Segway like it was some sort of 'life long virginity badge' but I'd totally take this for a spin and never walk again in my life - walking is for assholes if I had it. So, let's just watch the video instead...


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Let me first start off by saying this. Secondly, let me say that this may seem kinda gross to you, but obviously, you've never put this delectable deliciousness in your mouth.

Mari's Bacon Jam is a wondrous concoction of I don't know what. It looks like tiny mashed up bacon chunks in some sort of jam-like mixture. It's salty and bacon-y just like bacon!, yet has a wonderful sweetness about it that compliments the savory. I could just eat the whole thing with a spoon.

It comes from Mari's in NYC though it's not yet available and is used to make the bacon brownies they sell there which are tongue numbingly awesome. If you're ever around the Limelight Marketplace, definitely stop in and try some of the brownies. A tad bit expensive for such little things, but delicious all the way.

And hopefully soon, you too will be able to enjoy Bacon Jam I will be putting this on everything I eat from now until I die of bacon bits clogging my heart.

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Monday, January 10, 2011


THIS CAKE IS WHAT I WANT FOR EVERY BIRTHDAY/WEDDING/RETIREMENTPARTY THAT I AM EVER BEING HONORED FOR. FOREVER. This is seriously my childhood in cake form. Kill me now because I know I'll never have this and my life might as well not go on...

...one more picture after the jump OF THE BEAMS ALL LIT UP!


What do you do when your boobs are sag sacks and you are getting ready to have a night out on the town in your brand new strapless tramp dress to find yourself a man!? You can't let those sad puppies flop on down to FUPA town. No, you need to exude confidence and class. And what better way to do that than with a perky set?

ENTER: Bare Lifts!! The invisible lifting solution! (life = SOLVED)

I'm not entirely sure why all women in existence don't have this product. Think of all the great things it can accomplish for woman across the globe. Take, for instance, this troubled gem... (warning - sliiiightly NSFW)

Bad Girls Club Season 6 Premieres Tonight, Let's Meet the Ladies...

It's been a full month or two long bender since Bad Girls Club: Miami ended and what a sad, sober, and quiet time it was. Thankfully, OXYGEN is ready to remedy that situation with an all new season. Bad Girls Club Season 6: Back in the 'Hood. I would say that tagline is a joke, but looking at some of these girls, it might be the truth - - yeesh.

Season six goes back to where it all began, Hell Hollywood, which should be graaaaaaand. So, why don't you join me as I jump to conclusions based off the new girls' pictures and short bios from Oxygen.com!

Char - Now, I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but I am saying she's probably got a pick axe hiding in her snatch, just waiting for the right kinda man to come along. Definitely one of the prettier girls this season, so I hope she puts that to good use.

My hopes for Char include being disgusted with all the other girls in the house for being trampy lowlifes, asserting her status as one of the top girls, and all around being a mega-b. I'll be disappointed if I don't hear Char talk down to at least one of the girls in the first episode - preferably about what they are wearing. If she turns out to be one of those wet blanket types Erika from last season, I'm looking at you I will get unnecessarily mad about it! I bet her best friend is a vibrator.

Jade - Now, I don't mean to draw comparisons here that's exactly what I mean to do but the last "Jade" I knew on a reality show was the "Jade" from that one season of America's Next Top Model - and I wanted to throw that "Jade" into the whirring blades of a helicopter. I'm not saying that this "Jade" is going to be the same way, but she's already got one strike against her.

Jade's bio says she's an "only child" and "dreams of being in the fashion industry". I'm pretty sure that's just code for "hates her parents" and "works at a Fashion Bug on weekends".

I'm kind of hoping that she's a follower because by the looks of her, definitely not leader material. She'll make a good assistant when one of the other girls needs to throw someone's suitcases into the pool. She's got the upper body for it.

The other 5 girls after the jump...

Saturday Night Live: Jim Carrey Edition

I'm not always on board the Jim Carrey train because I get anxiety attacks when people real needy for attention true story, I had a crippling anxiety attack on NJ Transit one time watching a kid ask his mom to help him with her iPod while she ignored him with her blackberry - she got off at the stop for hell. But, to be honest, I was kind of excited to watch this weekend's episode because hosts that are willing to just jump right in tend to make the best hosts. And you can bet Jimmy boy would be one of those hosts...

So, here's the top three funnies from Jim Carrey:

Black Swan - This sketch was early on in the show and definitely set the stage of what to expect. Disjointed-jerky movements, crazy facial expressions, and loud voices - all Jimmy specials - but in the world of this sketch, a spoof on the manicurists' nightmare film Black Swan, it fit. "I think those are like, buffalo wings."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

This is Me, Right Now, On This Saturday That I Am at Work...

I had to work today. Today is Saturday. On this Saturday I had to be at work at 7am. That is officially THREE hours earlier than when I normally have to arrive at work. On days that are not Saturdays. Upon arriving at work on a Saturday at 7am, I was told I wasn't needed until 8am ::murder face::

Now, stuck at work, I'm starving and can't leave to get food until certain events are done. This is how I feel:


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Friday, January 7, 2011

ANIMALS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE: Heidi the Crosseyed Possum

This sassy-eyed petunia is Heidi the Cross-Eyed Possum I refuse to add the "O" because I'm not an asshat and she's a famous resident of some German zoo. Famous you ask? How could a good ol' Verganian possum be famous in Germany? Welp... part of it is from her facebook page and the other part of it must be from the scary German childs ensemble that sings her theme song in the video below.

How many animals do you know that live in such limelight? Obviously, none of Hanna's animals live this life of luxury though, I'm sure some of them didn't mind the crushing force their own feces laid upon them because the thought of death was sweeter than the fact that they were covered in their own feces. Those animals died sad, flat, and alone.

On a side note, can you all click on the 2:06 mark real quick for me. Now, I've been around a lot of possums in my life I'm from the Midwest, we've all killed a possum or seventeen with a gun, a broom, or a car but I don't remember their tails looking like that. I know they don't have hair on them, but I thought they were rattier. Not rattier. Rattier. Wait... rattier. there we go. I don't remember them looking like giant albino carrots. I just want to dice that sucker up and throw it in a pot roast.

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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

HOARDERS: Hanna/Kathy & Gary - If An Animal Dies in a Foot and a Half Below its Own Feces, Does Anyone Miss It?

this is my actual dog.
::DISCLAIMER:: Friendships. Do you have pets? You do! Wonderful. My family has a pet dog named Bo. He is great. He sleeps curled up in a ball like a small dog would even though he's a big dog. He's super awesome. I bet all of you love your pets too, don't you? Dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, etc. There are so many kinds of pets and they are all amazing creatures that God put on this earth to make us smile when they are around.

That being said, along with all the feelings you are currently experiencing pertaining to your loving, adorable, cuddly pets, please do NOT read the rest of this post regarding Monday night's episode of HOARDERS. It was nearly too much nearly. And I LuRvE watching Hoarders, L.O.V.E. it. I love seeing people being swallowed by their own inability to rid themselves of anything. What I do not love, is sad animals. This episode was all about sad animals. And also the worst human beings you will ever not meet because you are seeing them on television. ::END DISCLAIMER::

Go put on your poop-walkin' shoes, cuz we gon' rabbit huntin' after the break...

Someone Needs to Tell the World to Stop With the Fireworks Already...

like shooting millions of dead fish in a bay
I wasn't gonna say anything when all of those birds dropped out of the sky in Arkansas when fireworks got them or something, because we all love fireworks. And I wasn't gonna say anything when a hundred miles away, all those fish turned up dead because I was like, k'tcha, America just celebrated the New Year with fireworks, natch. Then a bunch more birds died in Louisiana, but birds die all the time, just think of all those fireworks we probably launched over the past few days.

New reports today are coming in of MILLIONS of dead fish are turning up in the Chesapeake Bay. Ummmm... okay fine then. It's America, we really, really like fireworks. With New Years just behind us, maybe all those animals are just experiencing extreme PTSD, so extreme that it kills them. Mystery solved. Make your checks payable to Dr. Matthew, M.D.

...but now, it's spreading to other countries that aren't America. Dead birds have turned up in Sweden, literally hundreds of TONS of dead sardines washing up in Brazil, and hundreds of dead and eyeless red snappers have washed up in New Zealand...

What the atche is going on!?!?!

Welp, I guess that Dr. Matthew, M.D. will have to step in and solve this one once again... my results after an EXHAUSTIVE study after the break...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

MY HOME STATE PRESENTS: 850 Pounds of Marijuana

Oh Ohio...
This is 850 pounds of marijuana. It was discovered in the home of a Butler County man after he called the police because he had been shot in the face by some peeps that were breaking into his home to take some of his 850 pounds of marijuana.

Now, I don't smoke, haven't ever and don't ever plan on it, but hot dang if I enjoyed weed that much that I was selling/growing/living in it, I don't think I'd be telling a SOUL that I was using it as the stuffing for my decorative sofa pillows do people do that with drugs? I would probably do that with my drugs. I don't know a lot about drugs.

AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalso, if my selling/growing/living in hobby was putting me in danger of being SHOT.IN.THE.FACE... I would be finding a different hobby. I used to work at a bank during the summer breaks that I was in college. One of our customers was this older gentleman who came in and asked if we had any wheat pennies that he could exchange regular pennies for. He collected them. It was his hobby. He has never been shot in the face. Wheat pennies.

Video report after the jump...

Lord Biebermort's Photo Spread in Vanity Fair

The world's gift to print, Vanity Fair, has a spread on the world's enemy to teenage hymens, Justin Bieber and as you can obviously expect from two of the world's greatest creations, it's the greatest. I'm sure there is probably a really great interview that highlights their journalistic integrity as well as some insightful questions touching on whatever it is that Vanity Fair touches on what is Vanity Fair even about? But no one cares about that, we care about the peekchures! And there are definitely peekchures!!!!

You can check all those out over at buzzfeed, but I just wanted to highlight my favorite after the jump because secretly, they're all my favorite, but this is my favorite favorite...

Monday, January 3, 2011


GPS devices are awesome because navigating the roads of New Jersey where I reside on the regs is like trying to navigate an M. C. Escher painting. And have you ever needed to print directions off Google Maps when you, nor any person in a 3 state radius has an available printer? DESTINATION - STABSVILLE, USA.

Sadly, those same wonder screens can be pretty frustrating to use, especially if you're the kind that tends to follow yours directly into lakes and rivers. Either through old maps or incorrect directions or taking you a nonsensical way or just not knowing what in the atche they are doing, sometimes using one is about as easy going as driving your fully submerged car out of a lake.

Enter the smarter than us people of the Computer Laboratory at the University of Cambridge. They are working on creating a GPS and to a much larger extent, thousands of other interactive devices that can react to our body language and tone of voice to help work itself out of the problem it probably got us into in the first place.

So, what's scarier than robots that don't underestimate the importance of body language, HA! and also know when we're getting sassy with them? How about robots that look like someone made a wax bust of Martin Short and then displayed it in a greenhouse. Video at the click...

Commercial of the Week

2011 brings segments back from heaven! That's right, Commercial of the Week is back! Oh zing zang burp!

This commercial is way old, but it appeared today while my ma and I were enjoying a nice episode of Rachael Ray giving false hope to high school girls in the form of Taylor Swift makeovers! Bottle Tops friendships. Just... of course.

I mean, pop Yes, I said "pop" - - I'm from Ohio, go punch yourself cans are some of the most unruly and un-travel worthy of the beverages containers out there. Instead of drinking it, you must pull over in a bare parking lot and dump it out. You cannot bring it in the car with you. Cup holders don't even know, they don't even KNOW!

And you obviously can't do homework without spilling a pop can all over your coloring book and your sister's early childhood foreign language studies...

New Year, New... Beer Fear Gear?

yarssss plezzzzz
Aaaaaaannnnnd, after over a month of wah wah zingo nothing, I'm back don't call it a comeback (barf)! Back from what? A terrible bout with Minecraft kill.me.now., an embarrassing addiction to Angry Birds the seasons edition?! just.dead, and nearly two and half weeks brokecationing at my parents house in Ohio over the Christmas/New Years holiday season my family got hugs and high fives for Christmas.

What did I do in Ohio the whole time you didn't ask? I ate foods. So many foods. Because foods are my friends. I'm eating this loverly to the left for lunch in a few.

In the meantime, stay tuned. I have fun things in store for this place in the coming whatevers. Yay motivation for the New Year! Resolutions can e.a.b.d.

So, see check out my selfish plug of my twitter @imattmypants to see my Potato Hot Dog orgy! And a big round of hugs and high fives to everyone out there that keeps visiting this crapsite pun intended? even when I don't.

P.S. - The mobile version of I Matt My Pants is up and running so it shouldn't take your internet phones its entire battery cycle to load up. WIN FOR ALL! So break out your intelligent phones and direct it on over to imattmypants.com.